


If I Could Turn Back Time

by casbuddy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 05, Angst, Apocalypse, M/M, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-17
Updated: 2013-09-05
Packaged: 2017-12-20 12:29:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 32
Words: 156,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/887289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casbuddy/pseuds/casbuddy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's fair to say Dean has a lot on his plate. Lucifer is free, the apocalypse is nigh and he's apparently the golden boy to stop it all. But Dean's having a tough time concentrating on saving the world when he realises that he likes a certain platonic angel friend more than he had initially thought. And things get even more complicated when said angel tells him the impossible- that he had saw Dean's future self die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set right after season four so pretend everything that happened in canon after that never happened.

It isn't until Chuck tells him that Cas is dead that Dean realises he loved Cas.

Okay, maybe not  _loved_  him because Dean Winchester doesn't do love like that but maybe that he liked Cas more than he let on, more than the platonic friendship that he had forced upon them. Because Cas had been annoying, had worn that stupid trench coat freaking everywhere, always did that weird baby bird head tilt at Dean like he was trying to count his damn freckles or something, oh, and he did not get humour  _at all._ There were so many other annoying things about Castiel, more than Dean could count, but those things that were annoying about him? Those things that made Dean want to tear his hair out? They’re all gone. Cas had  _died_ for Dean, had chosen humanity at the very last minute just because Dean had asked him to. The guy that didn't understand his awesome pop culture references, the guy that always stood way too close to him to be considered platonic is just gone, as easy as that, and Dean doesn't know what to do with that.

It doesn't exactly help that the guy that he maybe had more than a lot of feelings for had died for no damn reason, had died so Dean would stop his brother and of course, Dean had failed. He'd failed his brother, he'd failed Cas and he'd fucking failed the world.

"He's- He's dead?" Dean asks, trying to mask the crack of his voice with a cough, averting his gaze from Sam who is giving him the _'I know how you're feeling and this is all my fault'_ face and Dean really wants to argue back that no, he really doesn't fucking know how he's feeling because Cas is dead,  _his_ Cas.

"The archangel smoked the crap out of him," Chuck sighs, not looking at Dean, looking anywhere but Dean and Dean can't help wonder what his face must be looking like to Chuck that he won't even look him in the face. Is he really so obviously showing how fucking broken he feels?

Dean gulps and turns slightly away from them to steady his breath, steady his expression, because he really doesn't want to have to talk about this, have a 'man to man' chat with Sam about his feelings for Cas because he can't do it, he  _won't_  do it.

"This was my fault," Sam murmurs, his voice wrecked and Dean can't help but flinch at the words and feelings behind it.

"Shut up Sam," Dean retorts, quite proud of himself that he can mask his feelings with anger which shouldn't really surprise him because that is his thing after all. He’s kind of a master of it.

"It  _is_ my fault," Sam insists and Dean has to fight the urge not to punch his brother in the face. Ever since they'd been put on that plane by god knows what Sam had been a guilt ridden mess, had done nothing but apologise and say it was all his fault. Now, Dean's starting to get sick of it because yes, it is kind of Sam's fault but Dean's trying to get past that fucking point but he can't if Sam keeps reminding him dammit. And now that the apocalypse is happening they kind of have bigger freaking fish to fry than playing the blame game.

But the apocalypse being here doesn't stop Dean's mind from travelling back to Cas, how he had told him to get to Sam, how he had basically sacrificed himself and Dean’s never going to be able to thank him, is never going to see that stupid face with those stupid blue eyes and messy hair again.

"Dean, are you okay?" Sam murmurs.

Dean whirls around to meet his worried gaze and practically screams, "No, you know what, I'm most definitely fucking not-"

Dean stops, blinks and then blinks again, wondering whether his state of grief has actually turned him into a crazy person who hallucinates. Because right there in front of his very eyes is Cas, without even a scratch on him, his trench coat in perfect place, his blue eyes bright even in the darkness of the room. Dean opens his mouth to speak, to say  _anything,_ to ask whether Chuck and Sam are seeing the supposedly dead angel in front of him but he fails to even get a word out. He just stares some more, probably looking like an idiot.

"You were dead, I- I saw you die!" Chuck yells in what sounds like an accusation.

Okay, so at least Dean isn't imagining Cas, that's something.

Castiel eyes are, as always, on Dean as he says matter-of-factly, "I was."

"Cas, is that really you?" Dean asks, suddenly finding his voice because Cas is here, right in front of him,  _alive_  and it's not too late, none of it is and he doesn't really know what to with that information other than to stare at Cas and not look away for a second, almost like he'll disappear on him if he does.

"Yes it's me," Castiel replies with a small smile and Dean very nearly collapses on the floor because today has been an epically long fucking day- he'd been kidnapped by angels, one tax accountant angel had gone against the entirety of Heaven to help him and in the end  _die_ for him. Oh and they'd started the freaking apocalypse.

"But how did you-?" Chuck asks and Dean has to admit that's a pretty good question to ask because Cas had been dead, had been torn apart by the archangel by the sounds of it, yet here he is, good as new in his stupid fucking trench coat.

"Did you stop it?" Castiel steps towards Dean and of course Cas has to ask  _him,_ not the other two. Dean feels himself wince and curl up on himself because he doesn't want to admit this, doesn't want to tell Cas he'd basically died for nothing. Quickly, he shakes his head, not daring to look at Castiel because he knows what he'll see if he does and he doesn't want to see it, see how much he's let down the angel.

"Lucifer is free?" Castiel asks and Dean stops himself from wincing again because he asks it so  _coldly_ , so emptily and he just knows how much Cas had put into Dean stopping Sam, from stopping all of this and he'd failed.

"He couldn't stop me in time, it's all my fault," Sam says, rather unhelpfully.

"Cas?" Dean looks up at Castiel eyes, sees the anger bleeding inside them, the complete and utter disappointment and Dean can't blame him. Honestly, he doesn't know why Cas hasn't punched them all yet because damn straight they deserve it. And then Cas does something that he never does, he looks away from Dean and that's when Dean knows that their relationship is screwed, that Cas basically hates them now and blames them for everything. Dean silently screams for Cas to look back at him, for this to be fixed because he needs this to be fixed. Instead, Castiel pushes his fingers against Dean's chest, a quick flash of pain hitting Dean straight in his chest and ribs. Castiel wordlessly does the same to Sam and Chuck, still not making eye contact with any of them.

Dean rubs at his chest, wondering if it's some kind of angel punishment, "What the hell was that?"

Castiel says calmly, "They're a ward; they'll stop angels being able to locate you, even Lucifer."

"So you won't be able to find us either?" Dean asks because this isn't exactly a good plan. Cas needs to be able to find them, that is unless he stuck by them all the time, but he guesses in Cas' annoyed frame of mind that isn't going to be happening anytime soon.

"No."

Dean tries not to wince at the shortness of answer and instead forces a grin, trying his hardest to joke, “Well, look like we're going to have to get you a mobile like the rest of us human folk."

Castiel doesn't even smile, doesn't even look at Dean which makes Dean all kinds of mad and sad and fucking angry because he so did not need his angel hating him at this moment in time, especially when he's already not so happily hating himself.

"Why do we need to be protected from the angels?" Sam asks which Dean thinks is kind of a stupid question because the angel's had Dean locked in a freaking room a few hours ago. But then again, Lucifer is free now and they need Dean to slay him or whatever so doesn't that mean they're all on the same side again? That thought just makes Dean want to vomit because he so does not at all want to be on the same side as those douches that call themselves angels.

"Because they'll want to kill you," Castiel sighs, looking down at the floor.

Dean frowns, not really expecting that answer, "What, but I thought I was the 'righteous man' and all that bullshit."

Castiel sighs again, looking like a parent does when they’re having to explain the most simple of things to their child fifty times, "That's exactly why they'll want to kill you. They don't want the apocalypse to stop; they want Lucifer to fight the Earth until there are no humans left. You are prophesied as the only man who can defeat him and that means they'll want you executed before you even have the chance to try."

"Why the hell do they want Lucifer to kill everyone?!" Dean shouts because this is so not okay and most of all makes no sense whatsoever. Why would the angels, beings that are supposedly God's children, want any of this?

Castiel finally fucking looks at him and Dean kind of wishes he hadn't because that look right there is anything but friendly, "Isn't it obvious? The angels detest the human species. Now that God isn't here to give orders it gives the angels higher up the chance to finally rid the Earth of our Father's preferred species. When the human race is all but extinct, they'll probably bring you back to defeat him but that won't be till years to come."

"Seriously?" Dean can't help suck his breath at that because  _shit._

"I'm being serious Dean," Castiel replies brusquely.

"Fuck," Dean breathes out, "So this is all because God decided to take a vacation? So because of Him all the angels decide to wipe out all of us humans?! Sorry Cas, but your dad can go fuck himself."

Castiel suddenly has his smiting face on and Dean flinches as the angel grits out, "It's not His fault."

"Whatever, what about Sammy, why would the angels come after him?" Dean asks because yeah, he gets why the angels would want Dean in their possession but his brother has nothing to do with this, not now that he's released Lucifer anyway.

"They have no use of him anymore. He has served his purpose of releasing Lucifer, that's all the angels needed of him."

"Great," Sam says sarcastically, "Glad I could have been of help."

"I swear Sam, if you don't stop guilt tripping yourself I'm going to shoot you," Dean yells, ready to actually shoot his brother in the freaking foot if he doesn't stop this because if he has to think about how Sam took a demon's side over him one more time he might actually scream and just shoot  _himself_ in the head in blind rage.

"What about me, I'm just a prophet, why would they want to kill me?" Chuck decides to finally engage in the conversation, probably noticing the tension and trying to diffuse it which is not going to work because when Dean is pissed, Dean is  _pissed_.

If Castiel were human he would be rolling his eyes right about now, "They won't kill  _you_ but we cannot let them have you at their bidding. The angels must not know the future, we cannot risk them taking you and knowing what will happen while we don't. In fact, gather any of your belongings, I will take you somewhere where we can only find you."

"You're serious?" Chuck raises his eyebrows.

"Yes."

Dean has a horrible thought, his whole body going tight as he asks hurriedly, "What about Bobby, will the angels go after him as well?"

Castiel seems to consider it before saying, "I don't think the angels would, they don't understand how humans can bond with each other when they're not related by blood. I doubt Bobby has even crossed their mind."

"But still, will you go and do the rib thing to him too?" Dean asks because he is not taking Castiel's 'doubt' as a sure thing, not when it's about Bobby's safety.

"If it will assure you, yes. I'll go to him once I've taken Chuck to a safer place," Castiel nods and Dean wants to grin and say thanks but Cas is still standing tightly, still not having smiled once yet and Dean doesn't know whether Cas would burn his arm off he tried anything.

"Yeah but Dean," Sam says, ever the intellectual, "Bobby's not going to move out of that house for no one, so even with the ward on his ribs, the angels will still be able to find him easily."

Dean turns back to Cas, waiting for him to have some kind of answer and thankfully he does, "I'll teach him angel wards to prevent angels from coming anywhere near his property."

"Yeah, thanks Cas," Sam smiles.

Okay, so with that little titbit out the way, Dean turns to the more obvious, more alarming topic, "Now what though? How do we defeat the fucking Devil?"

Castiel tilts his head slightly at Dean and says calmly, "We don't, it's impossible."

"But you said that I was the one who was going to stop it all," Dean shouts, feeling more than a little frustrated because after all this, after the angels had pulled and pushed him around, telling him that they were only doing it to prepare him to defeat Lucifer and now Cas is telling him it's impossible? So why the fuck had Dean been treated like shit for nearly a year if he can't stop Lucifer?

"Yes I did but I don't even know where we would _begin_ in defeating Lucifer," Castiel admits and at least he has the decency to look a little ashamed at saying that.

"So what are we going to do? Hide from the angels and twiddle our thumbs while Lucifer fucking kills everyone?" Dean steps towards Castiel, his jaw clenched, because that plan fucking sucks and there has to be  _something._

Castiel's face lights up somewhat, "I know who would know how to defeat him, who could end this all now, who is the only one possible in bringing me back to life."

"Who?" Sam asks, suddenly perking up but Dean doesn't because he knows that whatever comes out of Cas' mouth is not going to be that easy.

"God, I'm going to find God."

Yep, not expecting that one.

" _Shit,"_ Chuck practically shouts before widening his eyes, "Sorry, erm, I'm going to go get my stuff from upstairs."

Dean turns to Castiel when Chuck has finally left them, " _God_?"

"Yes," Castiel nods, acting like the fact he is talking about God, y'know the creator of  _everything_ is a normal conversation piece.

"You think he's the one who brought you back?" Sam asks from across the room, standing up hopefully.

"Yes, he's the only one who has the power to do that," Castiel assures and the look of pure awe on his face makes Dean's heart swell because he knows what it's like, to put your entire faith on your father like that and Dean most definitely knows that it never ends well.

"Do you think he's the one who put us on that plane?" Sam asks Dean softly and Dean opens his mouth to reply that Sam is an idiot and of course it wasn't freaking God but then finds he can't really argue back because they don't know who did it and he supposes that God, of all people, is just as likely a suspect as anyone else.

"Plane?" Castiel asks, his eyes flicking from Dean to Sam.

"After I," Sam gulps, "killed Lilith, the whole floor started lighting up and Lucifer was coming from Hell in about five seconds. We tried to get out of the room but we couldn't but then we were suddenly on a plane."

"It was God," Castiel says certainly, "He saved you."

"But why? I mean, I just released Lucifer," Sam shakes his head, guilt evident still in his voice and Dean wants to thump it out of him which probably wouldn't be very much of a good idea but it's the only one in Dean's mind right about now.

"God must see you as worth saving Sam, as do I," Castiel smiles faintly and Dean fights the urge to hug him because Sam actually smiles, his body relaxing somewhat and Dean wonders why Sam will listen to Cas but not him. Maybe it's the whole angel of the lord thing. Who cares anyway if Sam is actually smiling.

Dean pulls the conversation back, trying not to keep the scepticism out of his voice but failing, "So what, you think that not only is God out there somewhere but he's willing to help?"

"He's not in Heaven, he has to be somewhere and I intend to find him," Castiel lifts his chin.

"How?" Dean asks because surely finding God is a bit more difficult than finding a freaking needle in a haystack.

"I will find a way," Castiel assures.

"Well good luck on that one, but while you're on a goose chase, we're going to try and find a way to stop the frigging Devil," Dean says and he's trying not to sound like a dick, he really is but like he said, it's been a long day and currently their only way of defeating Lucifer is finding  _God._

"That's what I am trying to do," Castiel's eyes blaze as he takes a step towards Dean, way too close to comfort when Castiel's face looks like that so Dean takes a step back instinctively because he doesn't want to be burned to a crisp. But he kind of deserves it, he guesses. He'd gotten Cas killed and now Cas is only trying to help and yet again, Dean is being a dick.

Dean sighs, looks at the angel apologetically, "Yeah I know that Cas, it's been a long day okay."

Castiel seems to understand Dean's apology and nods before placing his arm on Dean's shoulder, exactly where the hand print is, might Dean add. Dean looks up at him, eyes wide because maybe Cas doesn't hate him as much as Dean thinks he does. Maybe Cas still sees Dean as some kind of a friend.  _Please let him see you as a friend (Please let him see you as more than a friend)._  Castiel frowns before taking his hand away, stepping away from Dean quickly, and avoiding looking at Dean.

Dean frowns because what the hell does that mean? Does it mean Cas is his friend or not? Why the hell are angels so damn confusing?

"I'll take Chuck to his new home, I'll see you when I have news," Castiel states.

"Wait!" Dean calls out instantly, not wanting Cas to fly out on them. Cas turns to him with a frown before Dean realises that he kinda needs a reason to stop Cas from going anywhere which he- well, which he doesn't. But he does have something that would mean that Cas isn't ever out of reach.

"Here."

Castiel catches the phone easily, looking at it like it's the most puzzling thing in the world. And yeah, he looks like an adorable little baby bird. _Ugh, shut up Dean._

Dean coughs, trying not to make it obvious that he's thinking of his friend (maybe not even that anymore) as adorable, "Keep that, it has Sam's number in it and my other phone’s number. You call us if you need anything okay?"

Cas looks like he wants to say something but instead just simply murmurs, "Thank you."

And with a blink he disappears and the rustling upstairs stops too so Dean can only assume that Cas has taken Chuck to his brand new house, wherever that might be.

"So, uh, what now?" Sam asks, slightly timidly.

Dean pinches the bridge of his nose, "Right now, we go find a shitty motel so I can sleep because I most definitely need to sleep this fucking day off."


	2. Chapter 2

 

Its two days into the apocalypse that Dean snaps. In all fairness, it surprises him that it takes that long. He'd been trying his best to suppress it, like he always does, but even he knew it was going to come out at some point. It doesn't exactly help matters that he's had a stupid epiphany about how he feels about Cas because he's trying to deal with that without having a massive freak out because the dude is an angel and most definitely doesn't see him like that and oh yeah, like Dean said, he's also a  _dude._ Not only that, but he's also having to think about how Lucifer is, y'know,  _walking on Earth_  and that his little brother had been the one to hammer the last nail in the coffin to get him out. So yeah, Dean has every right to freak out and anyone that says he doesn't clearly doesn't know what the situation he's in is like (and yeah, no one else has been in the situation where you kind of like an  _angel_ and your brother helped Lucifer free so everyone can shut the hell up).

So it's two days in when they're in a ridiculously hot motel room that seems to have forgotten what air conditioning is when Dean lets it all out. The argument starts off small, it really does, and Dean doesn't really think he's going to shout it all out but then again, Dean never knows when he's going to snap. Dean blames the heat because being hot and stuffy had already pissed him off.

"So," Sam starts, flicking through his laptop, "there's a possible werewolf in Michigan."

Dean snorts because don't they kind of have bigger fish to fry than that? His brother seems to have forgotten that Lucifer is free and the world could end any minute so is there really any point in worrying about a stupid werewolf? No, there is not.

"What?" Sam asks, narrowing his eyes.

Dean looks at him like he's stupid which he kind of has every right to because Sam  _is_ being stupid, oh and a junkie might he add, "The  _Devil_  is out of Hell and you're researching a hunt about a werewolf?"

Sam's jaw clenches, "Well, we've been looking at ways to defeat Lucifer, so has Bobby, and we've got nothing and when I mean nothing, I mean  _nothing_ Dean so I'm so sorry that I'm trying to find a hunt where we can save lives while we're waiting on something that can kill Lucifer."

"What's the point in going around saving lives when they're all going to die when Lucifer blows up the fucking world?" Dean asks, hearing his voice rising but past caring.

"Because," Sam grits out, "We're going to stop Lucifer before it’s too late and all those people out there are going to _live_  but not if we don't go save them from a werewolf that's eating their freaking hearts."

Dean shakes his head, feeling his blood boil and not just from the heat around him, "So what? While Lucifer is having a nice walk around, we're going to go save people from monsters and forget that  _Lucifer is walking around?_ "

"I didn't say that," Sam growls, "All I'm saying is that while we're sitting around looking for ways to stop this apocalypse we might as well go save people along the way, it's the least we can do Dean."

"Well we wouldn't have to be looking for a way to stop the apocalypse if you would have just listened," Dean mutters and he practically feels the verbal punch in the face he gives to Sam who flinches, eyes wide. Within seconds his face changes into what Dean knows as his complete and utter pissed off face.

"I was waiting for this," Sam says, smacking his laptop closed. He stands up so Dean follows, quite certain that one of them is going to end up knocked out but not really caring which one it is as long as he gets to throw a punch or two.

"Waiting for what Sam? For me to point out that you pulled Lucifer out of Hell? That you started the apocalypse?!" Dean shouts, his fists clenched.

Sam's nostrils flair, his shoulder's tightening, "I thought I was stopping it, I thought that by killing Lilith I would end it all. Ruby said-"

"Ruby said?!" Dean screams, "There's another shitty, fucked up thing you did Sam. You believed Ruby over me. You took a demon's word over your own brother; the guy that has basically fucking raised you. I get that you were hooked on demon blood, I get that you were too high to give a fuck about me when you beat me to a pulp and walked out of that hotel room. But I was there Sam, I was right there in that convent telling you to  _stop_ , telling you that what you were doing was wrong and you went ahead and did it anyway. You followed a  _demon's_  word over mine and how the fuck do I deal with that Sam?"

Sam falters and Dean knows he's hit a nerve but Dean doesn't care because Dean has every right to be angry and Sam should feel fucking sorry. Sure, he'd told Sam to stop guilt tripping, to not blame himself but Sam should damn feel guilty about this, should realise what he's done.

But then again, so should Dean. If he hadn't been so fucking weak in Hell none of this would have happened either, the first seal would never have even broken. If he had been a better brother, if he'd made Sam listen, none of this would have happened. If Dean had just been a fucking better person, been strong like his dad, he could have prevented all this; he could have stopped it before it even started.

It's then that Dean realises that he's not only shouting at Sam but he's shouting at himself too, shouting at how weak he'd been, how he'd gotten off the rack too easily, that if he'd been stronger and said no this wouldn't have happened. He'd been weaker than Sam in the end because Sam had thought he was doing right, that he was saving the world from this but when Dean had come off the rack and said yes to Alistair? He hadn't given a fuck about what he was doing, how it would affect anyone else except him. He hadn't thought he was saving the world, stopping Lucifer, he'd just thought about himself and how he needed to get off that rack and damn the consequences, damn the fact that Dean had had to rip people apart just like he'd had done to him.

Dean feels his legs go underneath him as he drops onto the bed that's thankfully right behind him so he can mask the fact that his legs feel like jello, his heart quickening, thumping against his chest angrily. He brushes his shaking hand across his face and lets out a deep breath, trying his very hardest not to either lash out and shoot someone or turn into a pathetic, sobbing wreck.

"Dean?" Sam asks, gulping, his voice a wavering mess, "Dean, I'm sorry."

Dean sighs because he knows that already, knows that Sam had only been doing what he thought was best, what he thought was going to keep the world turning without Lucifer walking around on it. Sam hadn’t known, couldn't have known and Dean knows that, he does.

"Yeah, I know you are Sammy," Dean says tiredly.

"No but I'm-" Sam gulps, his eyes watery as he squeezes Dean's shoulder, "I'm really fucking sorry."

Dean looks up and sees how guilt ridden his brother is, how much of a mess he is and Dean knows he's going to have to forgive him, else he doesn't know what Sam will do. He’ll probably go off the rails, devour demon blood till he bursts or something. He knows he has to forgive him, he does, but he doesn't know whether he can do it this time, whether he can lock all this away and be best brothers again. But then again, this is a whole lot bigger than the two of them now, the world literally fucking depends on them and if they don't sort themselves out and put their heads together then they might fail, the whole world might fail and six billion people will die.

"I know you're sorry Sam," Dean mutters, "It's just- it's just going to take a while okay."

Sam nods understandingly, "Just tell me what I've got to do."

Dean looks at him, sees him like he always does, the little snot nosed kid that loved to read and hated to hunt. Dean knows that's still in him somewhere. But he also knows that Sam's a grown up now, that Dean needs to see that, needs to stop seeing him as his little brother, stop idolising him as the nerdy kid that always stuck by his side and looked up to him like all little brothers do. That's not their relationship anymore and Dean needs to cut that fucking sentimental rope now or it's only going to cause more pain when Sam, and most likely  _when_  not  _if,_  fucks up again. Because putting him on some kind of special pedestal is only going to make it hurt the more, make it seem like an even bigger betrayal.

"Dean, what can I do?" Sam repeats, practically begging him.

Dean sighs, tightens his fists, his knuckles white under the strain, "Tell me more about this werewolf."

Sam nods, goes back to his laptop and starts spewing off shit about the werewolf and the victims. Dean listens carefully, popping open a beer as he does.

It's not perfect by far, Dean still can't forget what Sam did and neither can Sam but it's a start. Dean knows that if he forces to pretend to be okay, that  _they_  are okay, it will eventually happen, they'll get back to almost normal again. It's going to take a while but Dean is damn straight going to fight for it and that right there tells him they're not over yet, that this hasn't gone too far because Dean is still prepared to fight. It's when Dean stops caring, stops fighting for his little brother that he knows it's too late. He just hopes that day never fucking comes.

* * *

 

"Sam!" Dean shouts, trying to get Sam to hear from the other side of the building as he's thrown against the wall  _hard._ Dean winces but gets up because he's been thrown against a wall plenty of times and shit like that doesn't hurt anymore.

The werewolf snarls, clawing his way against Dean's chest, probably trying to pull Dean's heart out or something and that's when Dean realises his gun is gone, had flew out of his hand while the bastard had thrown him against the wall. Why the hell had they decided to split up to gank the son of a bitch again?

"Um, a little help Sam," Dean grunts loudly, punching the werewolf in the face which only seems to make him more pissed as he picks up Dean by his shirt, feet dangling off the floor. Dean knows he's kind of screwed as the werewolf bashes him against the wall a couple of times, his head feeling like it's being caved in until he's seeing stars. The werewolf seems to be happy with the results as he throws Dean yet again against the wall, letting him drop to the floor with a thud.

Now, the next part is kind of hazy because Dean is pretty sure that he may have blacked out or something (which he's never going to admit to thank you very much) but he knows that just before the werewolf can take a nice bite out of his juicy heart Sam arrives in time, gun at the ready. Later on, Sam tells him there'd been a bit of a scuffle, that the werewolf had hidden when Sam had arrived and jumped him, something that Dean had kind of wanted to make fun of but then again, Dean had been rolling on the floor half dead at the time so he's not really in a position to make fun of Sam's manliness.

When Dean finally wakes up, still in kind of a daze (understandably seeing as he'd just had his head slammed against a wall fifty billion times), his eyes focus on Sam and the werewolf, the werewolf that is about to _rip out his brothers heart._  Dean looks around for his gun, panic blearing out any pain that he's feeling as he desperately searches around the floor. He can hear Sam trying to fight the guy off but he's not going to last much longer and Dean nearly pukes as he still can't find his freaking gun and he stands unsteadily, ready to jump on the werewolf's back if he has to because this shithead is  _not_  hurting his brother.

And that's when the gunshots blare out, Dean falling to the floor as undignified as possible as five shots call out and Dean wonders what the hell is going on, whether Sam had managed to shoot the guy. Dean looks up, his vision blurring at the edges slightly as he sees the werewolf drop to the ground, the bullet holes on his back, not his front, which means that Sam hadn't shot him, that someone else had.

"Sammy?" Dean croaks out, still sprawled on the floor, not really making any effort to move, else he would most likely puke. Sam's suddenly right there next to him, pulling Dean up to his feet, basically holding him up as Dean gets his senses back while thankfully not puking.

"Thanks for saving my ass," Sam comments and Dean can practically hear the smile which would be great and all if he actually had shot the guy. Which he hadn't.

"Sam, I didn't shoot him," Dean points out, getting himself out of Sam's grip, standing on his own two foot unsteadily. He doesn't feel like he's about to collapse though so that has to be a good sign.

"Well, neither did I Dean," Sam frowns, either at the weird anonymous shooter or the fact that Dean must look like shit.

"Then who the fuck did?" Dean asks because even in his half-conscious daze he knows that that's a very good question indeed.

Sam frowns even harder and looks down the corridor, Dean doing the same, wondering who would randomly come and save them.

"Come on," Dean orders, pausing to grab his gun which he finally spots on the ground, gesturing for Sam to follow as they walk through the corridors silently, gun cocked in their hands (which might be a little unnecessary because the anonymous person had just saved them but still) as they look for their 'saviour'. When they get back into the open air again Dean knows that they've got no chance of finding them, that they're long gone, whoever  _they_  might be.

"Dean, they used silver bullets," Sam says, his eyebrows furrowing.

Dean places a hand at the gash in the back of his head, his hand coming back bloody, "Yeah and they also knew where we were and that a werewolf was in the building."

"Another hunter?" Sam offers.

"Yeah, but wouldn't another hunter at least stick around to ask for a beer after they'd saved our asses?"

"I don't know," Sam shrugs before frowning at Dean's bloody hand, "But right about now, we kind of need to worry about burning the body and the fact that the back of your head is falling off."

Dean scowls, "I'm fine okay, let's go burn the body."

"You sure? Because to me, it looked like you fainted like a girl," Sam smirks, walking back into the building.

"Bitch," Dean says under his breath.

"Jerk," Sam calls out from in front.

Dean can't help but smile because yeah, the world has turned to shit and he and his brother are kind of the culprits and yeah okay, he may have feelings for his friend who just happens to be an  _angel of the lord_ but if he and his little brother can still take the piss out of each other throughout it, life can't be too bad.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Sam and Dean forget about the whole mysterious helper after burning the werewolf which, in hindsight, probably isn't a great idea but then again, they have bigger fish to fry and trying to find out who or what may have saved them from a werewolf seems to be kind of low on the list. That is until they're standing outside a warehouse in Detroit, a warehouse that has demons locked inside with salt around the entire building because then their mystery saviour kind of put themselves higher on their freaking list.

Sam and Dean had been looking for demons. They’d figured that some of them may know something about their daddy Lucifer, at least know where he's located or what his plans are (you know, more specific plans than just ending the world.) They'd tracked down two demons in Detroit that had sounded like they were going on a fun killing spree and not really hiding their tracks. Dean and Sam had assumed that demons just didn't give a shit anymore because it was the end of the world and who cares if they get caught?

They’d follow up their hunt, located the demons to the warehouse and are happily on their merry way to gank a few sons of bitches when Dean gets a text.

"Huh," Dean says with a frown, feeling uneasiness settle in his stomach.

"What?" Sam asks.

"I, er, just got a text," Dean frowns harder, " _Do not go to the warehouse, it's a trap."_

"Wait, what?" Sam grabs the phone from Dean's grip and stares at the phone, like it's going to give him all the answers.

"How the hell does someone know that we're going to the warehouse?" Dean asks slowly because it sounds like they have a very weird stalker on their hands which they so do not need, even if they seem to be helping. Hey, Ruby had seemed to be helping at the time and she'd turned out to be the worst demon scum of them all so excuse Dean for feeling a little apprehensive about trusting anyone.

"Who cares, they're saying it's a trap Dean," Sam flips the phone shut and rests it on the dashboard.

"So what if they say it's a trap?" Dean frowns because no way is he going to just take some random texter's word for it.

Sam pulls his bitch face and Dean internally sighs, "They said it's a trap Dean, meaning that the demons probably know we're coming, which means they're probably waiting for us to arrive so they can kill us. If the random person texting you knows then the demons probably know too."

"Oh come on Sam, it's two demons, even if they know we're coming it's not like we haven't took on a whole load more than that before. And how the hell do you know that it's not the demons that are texting us so we'll back off?" Dean challenges.

"I don't know that but neither do you Dean," Sam bitch faces harder which Dean didn't even think was possible but hey, you learn something new every day.

"Well, we're going either way because we need to, we need to get these demons and ask them about their fucking dad!" Dean shouts, his hands clenching on the steering wheel, turning them to the side road that would lead them to the warehouse.

"Fine Dean but if you get your head ripped off then it's your own fault," Sam shouts back, crossing his arms like a freaking child that isn't getting their own way.

"Stop being so over dramatic, we'll be fine," Dean mutters, pulling the car to a stop. He gets out of the car and goes to the trunk, Sam following a few moments later, still pouting like a girl but Dean knows he has his back, that he is going to go charging in that warehouse even if he thinks it's a bad idea because he isn't going to let his big brother do it alone. Yeah, his brother is cool like that.

"Let's go," Dean says, handing Sam a rock salt gun.

"Let's get this over with you mean," Sam groans but takes the gun all the same, following Dean to the warehouse.

It's only when they get a couple of feet away from it that Dean stops short, Sam doing the same.

"What the-" Dean trails off, staring at the warehouse with his mouth open because some fucker has got here first, has put salt all around the warehouse like a freaking beacon. Dean can hear the screams and shouts of frustration from inside and Dean can hear that there is way _way_ more than two demons stuck in there.

Dean walks forward and peers through a dusty, cracked window to see at least over a dozen demons in there, maybe even twenty. Dean gestures for Sam to come take a look and Sam ambles over, gun still cocked in his hand. His eyes widen when he sees the demons and then before Dean knows it, he's shoving him like Dean's a scolded child.

"I told you we shouldn't have come," Sam shoves him again.

"Yeah okay, you were right, I was wrong, I get it so stop fucking shoving me!" Dean growls, pushing Sam back before walking away from the window, "And don't you think we have a bigger problem here? We have our very own stalker!"

Sam considers this and his frown turns into a very confused one and Dean can't blame him, "You think the person who text us to warn us came here before us and did this?"

"Well, who else could it have been? A complete and utter stranger texts us to stay away and then when we get here it's all been salted and the demons are in there like a great big present to us."

"Why didn't they exorcise them? Or better yet, actually come and talk to us?" Sam asks, looking around their surroundings warily because for all they know their weirdo stalker could still be around.

"How the hell should I know Sammy?" Dean shouts, feeling way out of control of the situation, "Maybe to prove a point, I don't know."

"You mean to prove the point that you should listen to them and not ignore them when they tell you you're walking into a trap?" Sam raises his eyebrows and of course his brother has to take the side of the random stranger and not his.

"Shut up Sam," Dean retorts, "Either way, I don't like it. Whoever it is knows where we are and what we're doing and-"

Sam's eyes widen, "Chuck?"

Dean considers it because Chuck is a prophet, is  _their_ prophet so it would make complete sense for him to know what's going to happen before it actually happens but Chuck making all this effort? Moving from God knows where Cas has put him and salting a warehouse when he could have just called them and told them? That just doesn't make sense and Chuck has a brain to not do stupid things like that.

"He'd just call us though wouldn't he?" Sam voices Dean's thoughts aloud.

Dean suddenly has a realisation, one that he's not sure he likes or not, "You think that the same person that did this is the same person that killed that werewolf and saved you?"

Sam's eyes widen even further and he looks like one of those creepy bug eyed animals they'd found in Asia, "It must be."

"Well, shit," Dean says, scratching his chin, "I don't know whether the fact that we have our very own helper-stalker is a good thing or not. I'm going to say probably not."

Sam shrugs, "They haven't hurt us, and they’re just helping us. Wait, could it be Cas?"

Dean questions whether his intellectual brother who went to freaking Stanford has been replaced by an idiot, "How could it be Cas?"

"I don't know, Cas saving us from monsters but doing it in a weird mysterious way? It kinda sounds like Cas," Sam shrugs and it's then that Dean remembers that Sam doesn't know Cas as much as he does, doesn't really get what Cas is about (or the fact that Dean wants to get to know a whole lot more about him,  _no, shut up brain, not now_ ).

"If it was Cas, he would just come and freaking tell us instead of doing it like this. Besides, I don't even think the guy can freaking send a text message. Oh, and he wouldn't need to use a gun on a werewolf, he'd just use his freaky smiting powers," Dean rolls off and Sam narrows his eyes. Shit, had Dean sounded like a fangirl? He hopes not.

"Well, we should call him anyway, he might know how we can find out," Sam quirks an eyebrow.

"Fine," Dean huffs, getting his phone out, secretly pleased that he has an excuse to call Cas down to them, wherever he may be. He hasn't seen him since the whole reincarnation thing, only talked to him through the phone but even then, he'd passed the phone to Sam to talk to him instead. Hey, figuring out that you like your angel more than you let on is kind of difficult to sort out in your brain okay. And the fact that your angel is never going to reciprocate whatever damn feelings you're feeling as well just makes it the whole more suckier.

Within seconds after he hangs up from Cas he appears right beside him, not remembering personal space yet again, not that Dean really minds, not that he's ever minded when he comes to think of it. Why the hell had it taken Dean so long to realise his big gay feelings again?

"Dean, Sam," Castiel remarks when he arrives, flicking his eyes from Dean, to Sam and then back to Dean again.

Dean gulps, trying to think of what to say, before deciding on, "How's searching for your daddy going?"

"What is the reason you called?" Castiel asks, blatantly ignoring the question and Dean kind of feels sorry for him because the guy is so desperately trying to find his dad, so desperately believing that he will not only find him but that the guy will be willing to help. Dean isn't exactly looking forward to the day when Cas figures out that God doesn't give a damn.

"That good, huh?" Dean mutters to himself, before getting straight to business because he figures Cas doesn't want to talk about his failure of a search, "So we wanted to ask you something?"

"What?" Castiel asks.

Dean realises he doesn't want to ask the question because it's stupid and he knows it isn't Cas so what is the freaking point but he forces himself to speak anyway, realising that he's rambling but not being able to stop, "I told Sammy it couldn't be you because you would show your face if it was you and you wouldn't have used a gun but Sam said we should still ask."

"Ask about what?" Castiel replies, his head tilting slightly which even now, after all this time, is ridiculously endearing and is also ridiculously distracting, especially when those big old blue eyes are boring into your soul like that. Thankfully Sam is here to carry on the conversation while Dean sorts himself out (and seriously, why is he acting like a teenage girl in front of Cas for fucks sake).

"Last week, Dean and I were hunting a werewolf. And Dean here got himself knocked out-"

"I did not get myself knocked out alright? I just bashed my head a bit and I was a little dazed, that's all," Dean feels himself blush because he so does not want Cas to think he's a poor sap who can't even stay conscious during a hunt when he's the one who's supposed to kill Lucifer. Not that he's trying to think about the whole killing Lucifer thing because that right there still does not make any sense at all.

"Whatever Dean," Sam rolls his eyes, probably wondering what the hell had made Dean so flustered.

"Can you please get to the point?" Castiel sighs dramatically.

"While I was trying to get my head back together, Sammy here got jumped by the wolf-boy, couldn't fight him and any minute he was going to get his heart clawed out," Dean glares at Sam because how his stupid brother had gotten into that position he has no idea. And no, he isn't going to think about how it's his fault his brother had been in that position because he'd been trying to save Dean's ass.

"How did you survive?" Castiel asks and Dean swears he can see a flicker of worry in his eyes and Dean feels himself smiling at that because sure, the angel is never going to see him how Dean maybe sees him, but at least the fucker cares about him. Or does he only care about him from a strategic point of view because he's the only hope in killing the Devil?

"See, that's the thing," Sam frowns, "We don't know."

"What do you mean?" Castiel asks Dean even though Sam is the one speaking.

With the whole Castiel might not actually give a damn about him still in his mind it takes Dean a moment to reply and he mutters rather dejectedly, "Well, just before Sam lost his heart, someone shot the bastard and they knew what they were doing, silver bullets and all. But here's the kicker,  _it wasn't me_. After we'd both figured out we still had all our limbs attached we tried to follow them, see who it was, but they'd disappeared."

"So someone saved you but you don't know who it was," Castiel says, clearly getting a grasp of the situation.

Dean adds on, figures it's best to give Cas the full story, "But that's not all. A couple of days ago we heard about two demons in Detroit causing the usual demon havoc, making the humans they're possessing kill and shit like that. We figured we'd come and exorcise them and we thought that maybe they'd know something about Lucifer, what with him being their creator and all. We knew it was a long shot but we thought we could at least give it a go."

"Why didn't you call me and tell me this plan?" Castiel asks, his eyes narrowed.

"Just let me tell the story alright," Dean snaps back, because liking an angel who might not give a shit about you is difficult to handle, "Anyway as I was saying, we got here, found their location easily, I guess you could say too easily, and we're ready to have a nice chat with these demons when we get this-"

Castiel takes the phone from Dean and reads out slowly, "Do not go to the warehouse, it's a trap."

"So we're a little spooked that someone seems to know what we're about to do but we decide to come anyway," Dean continues, ignoring Castiel's growl which okay, maybe Cas does care about them, whatever, "We get to the warehouse and someone's already been there, salted the doors and windows on the outside to keep the demons in. We look in the window and there's about twenty of them in there, trying to get out. Turns out, it  _was_  a trap and we don't know how but the person who text us knew and they warned us beforehand."

Castiel stays silent for a while, concentrating so much that he looks like he's constipated before asking slowly, "So what of the demons now?"

"Still in the warehouse," Dean points down the road, "it's just down there. We had to walk down here so you'd be able to find us."

Without even a warning, Castiel places a hand on both of the brother's and just like that they're right outside the warehouse. Dean will never get used to that shit ever and it only pisses him off further that Cas thinks he can just drag them around without asking first.

"Dude, we could have just walked it here!" Dean growls.

"This way is quicker," Castiel tilts his head like he doesn't have a clue at what's pissed Dean off and Dean supposes an angel wouldn't get it even if he bothered to explain.

"So now what do we do?" Sam asks breathlessly.

"I go in there, exorcise the majority but leave a few alive. We can then interrogate them, see if they know anything of Lucifer's plans, although that is doubtful," Castiel says certainly.

"You going to be able to take on twenty demons?" Dean asks with a frown because he remembers how Cas had been with just Alistair so how the hell is he going to take on twenty? Sure, he's a tough son of a bitch but  _twenty?_

"I'm an angel Dean, I can handle it," Castiel replies curtly but Dean notices the quick waver on his face and just before he can call him out on it, his phone beeps in his pocket, a text message and Dean just knows that it's going to be their stupid stalker again.

"Don't let Cas go in there," Dean says aloud, his chest constricting by just reading it.

"Whoever it is knows who you are too," Sam says in disbelief.

"What the hell, how can they everything that we're about to do?!" Dean shouts angrily because okay, any hunter could probably find out about Sam and Dean, they haven't exactly kept a low profile over the years but they know who Cas is as well? And not only that, they know that Cas is right here with them at this exact precise moment. Dean looks around, trying to see if anyone is watching them but there's nowhere for them to freaking hide. Who the fuck is this guy?

"We should go see Chuck after this," Castiel says in reply.

"After what? How are we going to kill all the demons?" Dean barks because even with a weird stalker guy on their backs, it doesn't really change the fact that they have a warehouse full of demons.

"I'm going to go in there," Castiel replies.

"But the text said-" Dean starts because no way is he letting Cas go in there, not when the text said for him to  _not_  go in there, he is so not taking the chance of something happening to Cas.

"I don't care what the text said," Castiel says darkly.

Dean's phone beeps yet again in his hand and he doesn't really want to know what else the stalker has to say and yeah, when he reads it, it's not exactly what he's expecting.

_Shit._

"What does it say?" Sam asks, hovering closer to Dean to try and have a look at his phone.

Dean looks up at Castiel, trying not to show how much he is freaking out, "It says that Cas is cut off from Heaven and if he walks in there he dies."

Castiel opens his mouth to speak but then he shuts it again and Dean just  _knows_ , he just knows that the texter is right, that Cas is cut off from Heaven and it's all his fucking fault.

"Is that right Cas?" Dean asks softly, stepping towards Cas, fighting the urge to lift Cas' chin so he would have to look at him.

Castiel sighs and all of a sudden he looks so  _tired,_  "I am cut off from Heaven yes but I am not sure how that affects all of my abilities."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Dean demands because he should have told him dammit because this right here, is a massive deal and is something Dean should have known before Cas had flew off looking for God  _alone_ with who knows what limited abilities. For all Dean knows, he could only have his wings left. What the hell would have happened to him if a monster had attacked him on his travels? Dean can't help but shudder at the thought.

"What did you think would happen to me after I  _defied_ Heaven?" Castiel says and Dean knows he doesn't mean it as insult or an accusation but that's how Dean takes it because it had been his fault, if it hadn't been for him Cas would still be partying it up in Heaven.

Dean averts his gaze and murmurs, "You're not going in there, that's for sure."

"Dean-" Castiel starts.

"No Cas you're not going in there!" Dean interrupts, practically shouting because he is not losing Cas again, not over some stupid fucking demons, "Even without the texts I'm still not letting you in there if there's a slight chance of you not being able to handle yourself. No way Cas, no way."

Castiel's eyes widen slightly but he nods shortly, looking down on the floor, not even looking at Dean. Dean sighs, wishing he could shake Cas and see that he fucking matters and that Dean is not going to let him die, not on his watch.

Sam interrupts the increasingly angsty silence, "We'll just exorcise them all together, we'll do what we did that one time remember, where we played the exorcism on loudspeaker. Like you said, I don't think they're going to know anything about Lucifer and if they did, I don't think they'd tell us."

As Sam walks back to the car to get the loudspeaker, Dean just stares at Castiel, not caring that he's the one staring for a change. Because this guy right in front of him, well, not even a guy, a freaking angel, has changed his whole life around for Dean and for humanity. And he isn't even asking for anything back, has even kept the whole being cut off from Heaven as a secret, probably not to trouble Sam and Dean. Cas is freaking doing everything to try and stop this apocalypse, even though it means going against his entire family and he's doing all of it for Dean, to keep the Earth still spinning. And Dean doesn't know what to do with that, to think about how someone would be willing to do that for you when they're not your family, when they've only known you for a freaking year, when they've already done so much for you.

And Dean really wants to just wrap his arms around the guy and thank him and show him how much he wants him there with him, right by his side but he knows he can't, that it would just fuck everything up if he were to show how he truly feels. It would fuck things up with Sam and most of all, it would fuck things up with Cas because he sure as hell probably wouldn't stay around if Dean tried to fucking kiss him and _fuck_ , Dean wants to kiss him.

Dean's train of thought is broken when Sam appears, waving the megaphone in front of Dean's face to stop him from his staring match with Cas.

"Let's get exorcising," Dean remarks gruffly, turning away from Cas and all the shitty feelings between them.

* * *

 

"Hey, I was expecting you guys, there's some beer there," Chuck says when they arrive. At least, that's what Dean thinks he says because he's too busy looking at the fucking sea that is  _right there._ And the fact that Chuck is now residing in a fucking mansion that has a massive balcony and oh yeah, is right on a fucking private beach.

Dean is well aware that he probably looks a little gobsmacked but he doesn't really care, "Dude, where the hell are we?"

"Hawaii," Castiel replies like it's completely normal and not even a big deal that they're in freaking  _Hawaii._  Dean feels someone pass a beer into his hands as he stares at the beach below him, how the sea is basically transparent and bright blue and Dean has never saw a freaking perfect beach like this before. And he most definitely wants to go swim in it and pretend the apocalypse isn't happening.

"Cool huh?" Chuck says, clearly enjoying himself and who can't have fun when they're living in a mansion in Hawaii?

"Uh, yeah," Sam agrees with a laugh.

"Chuck, if you were expecting us, you know why we're here," Castiel speaks and Dean rolls his eyes at his abruptness because they're in Hawaii and Cas can't even take a one minute breather.

"So we're getting straight to business," Chuck sighs and Dean knows the feeling of that sigh.

"Do you know who has been saving the Winchesters?" Castiel asks.

"And you, they saved you too Cas," Dean adds with a frown because the guy seems to have forgotten that part rather easily.

"Hmm," Castiel replies which only makes Dean narrow his eyes further.

"I don't know who," Chuck says.

"But you're a prophet! And not only that, you're  _our_ prophet; I thought that meant you saw everything about us?" Dean frowns because isn't that the whole point of a fucking prophet?

"Yes, but some things I can't see, they're hidden and whoever it is that's saving you, well, that's, er, hidden," Chuck says which doesn't really help matters.

"So you have no idea who it could be?" Sam persists with a frown.

"Hey, your guess is as good as mine," Chuck shrugs.

Sam turns to Castiel, like he's the one that should have the answers all of a sudden, "But whoever it is, is good right? I mean, they're helping us."

"I'm sorry, isn't that what you said about Ruby?" Dean glares at Sam and as soon as he says it he regrets it because they're trying to get over that dammit and by Sam's butt-hurt look he's just reopened the wound again. Dean sighs because he really doesn't want to be all 'not really brothers' with Sam again.

"No, they're good," Chuck interrupts.

"I thought you said you didn't know who it was?" Sam accuses and Dean turns to Chuck as well because Sam's right, if the so called prophet can't see who it is, how can he know they're good?

Chuck's cheeks redden and he looks down trying to hide it, "I, er, don't. I just know that whoever it is is one of the good guys, or girls, whatever. Look, they're helping and you should let them okay? And please listen to what they tell you instead of ignoring it."

"Is there anything you're hiding from us Chuck?" Dean narrows his eyes.

"What? No!" Chuck recoils and to Dean it kind of looks like he's protesting a little too much but then again there would be no reason for Chuck to hide anything from them either.

"Right, so now what? We have our very own _Superman_?" Dean rolls his eyes because he still doesn't like this idea  _at all._

"We should just accept the help," Castiel sighs.

"Yeah, we kinda need it Dean. If it wasn't for them we'd be dead right now," Sam agrees with Cas and Dean hates it when they do that because how the hell is he supposed to say no to not only one of them but both of them pulling the puppy dog look at the same time?

"Still, it's weird and I don't like it," Dean squirms under their stare.

"You don't have to like it, just deal with it," Chuck nods, then lies back in his deckchair, pulling his sunglasses back to shade his eyes, basically saying 'I am done with this conversation so go away.'

"So you got any good prophet stuff to tell us?" Dean demands.

"Nope, fraid not," Chuck sighs.

"Well, that's just peachy; we're back to square one again," Dean complains, aware that he sounds very much like a whiny bitch but not caring because it's been the apocalypse for how long now and they still have jack shit.

"I'll take you back to your car," Castiel says and yet again moves them without even a warning. Dean blinks a few times when they're back to the impala, kind of wishing he was still at Hawaii.

Dean looks at Castiel, "So now what, we carry on hunting, look for any devil signs?"

"Yes, continue hunting and try and find some kind of way that we can defeat Lucifer."

"I thought  _something_ would have happened by now, y'know, with it being the Devil and all," Sam says which is a very good point indeed. Honestly, his brother always has the good questions.

"The only explanation is that he is still circling his vessel, I can assure you that we'll know when he has succeeded in making the human give his consent."

"Thanks for that," Dean drawls because did they really need to know that?

"You're welcome?" Castiel says, turning it into a question. Dean rolls his eyes because why did Dean have to get feelings for the guy that didn't understand human concepts at all? But isn't that one of the reasons that makes Cas so freaking adorable? Okay, he really needs to stop thinking these things in front of Cas and in front of his brother too, for fucks sake.

"What about you?" Dean asks, kind of hoping that Cas would come with them instead of his stupid God search.

"I'll continue on my hunt for my Father," Castiel says and okay, that hope has been dashed within a second.

Sam gets into the impala, probably waiting for Dean to follow. Dean stares at Cas for a moment and wonders what would happen if he'd just ask Cas to stay with them, even for a couple of hours. He'd probably say no but then again, he wouldn't know unless he actually tried it.

"Do you want to maybe go get a beer with us before you go off on your hunt for God again?" Dean blurts, looking down to try and hide his ridiculously red cheeks.

"I don't need to drink, I'm an angel," Castiel replies instantly.

"Yeah I know, I just thought you'd maybe want some human company for a bit but it was stupid, ignore me. Go look for God," Dean mumbles under his breath, getting into his car and ignoring his brother’s inquisitive stare.

_Denied._


	4. Chapter 4

It's on a rainy day stuck in a motel room that Dean and Sam have an epiphany. Well, Dean has an epiphany and Sam rides through it with him.

"I can't believe Lucifer has been free for how long now and we still aren't even one step closer to fucking killing him," Dean mutters, flicking through channels, happy that there's still not any news on how a country has blown up or something, a sure sign of Lucifer having got his vessel.

Sam deflates, probably feeling as guilty as Dean does, "Yeah, well there's not exactly loads of lore on how to kill Lucifer. It's not like that happens every week."

"Suppose you're right," Dean murmurs, "Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Yeah," Sam sighs but perks up somewhat, "But we've been down this road before, we've faced the impossible, thought that there was no way out and we managed to change it all around. If we can do it all those times before we can do it now."

"Yeah, but Azazel and Lilith, they're walks in the park compared to this Sam, we're talking about  _Lucifer,_ not just some high powered demon," Dean points out.

"Yeah," Sam exhales slowly, "But like I said, we found a way to kill them and we're going to do the same for Lucifer. I mean, we have to, what with it being all over the prophecies that you're the one to do it."

Dean frowns because he really doesn't like thinking about that fact, about how his future is apparently out of his control, even if it's something that Dean wants to happen. What if he doesn't do it? What if he fails?

Sam doesn't seem to notice Dean's internal panic as he continues on the conversation, his shoulders drooping, "It's only different with Lucifer because we don't have any starting point on how to kill him. With the others, like yellow eyes, we had a starting point, somewhere where we could go from, something to aim for."

"Wait, that's it," Dean's eyes widen, wanting to punch himself in the face for being so fucking blind and stupid.

"What's it?" Sam asks with a frown.

"The colt," Dean says slowly.

Sam's eyes widen too in understanding and he actually stands up in what can only be excitement and relief all rolled into one, "The colt!"

"Why the hell did we not think of this before?" Dean growls.

"Because we're obviously idiots," Sam grimaces and yeah, Dean agrees with him on that one.

"It could work right, the colt is meant to kill anything and that's got to include Lucifer, surely?" Dean asks, trying very hard not to get excited about this but the more he thinks about this the more he feels like this idea could actually work, that if they found the colt they could actually kill the Devil.

"I don't know, maybe?" Sam shrugs, trying to be nonchalant but his eyes are shining and he's practically hopping from one foot to the other.

"Right," Dean mutters, bringing out his phone, nearly dropping it in all the excitement.

"What are you doing?" Sam asks with a frown.

"Calling Cas," Dean says, hearing the phone ringing, "Come on Cas, answer the freaking phone."

Sam stands patiently, well, not patiently  _at all_ but he has the decency to keep quiet.

"Dean?" Castiel asks and Dean, like the girl that he is, actually feels his heart lurch at just hearing the angel's voice. Jesus, Dean needs to sort himself out.

"Cas, we're at the same motel as before, can you come, we think we have an idea on how to fucking kill the Devil," Dean says with a grin, Sam smiling back with a small quirk of the corner of his lips.

After y'know, Dean has just said he might have a way to stop the fucking apocalypse he kind of expects Cas to rejoice down the phone or at least appear right next to him with a smile on his face or  _something_ but he's rewarded with silence. Okay, not what Dean's expecting  _at all._

"Cas, you coming or what?" Dean demands after a few moments of even more silence that feels like freaking hours and even Sam is frowning, wondering what the hell is going on.

"Yes, I'll be there in a moment," Castiel says and then freaking hangs up the phone.

"And goodbye to you too," Dean mutters, looking around the room and expecting Cas to appear within a second like he always does. Dean's eyebrows furrow as they wait, and then wait some more. It can only be up to a minute but when you expect Cas to appear straight away, a minute is a really fucking long time.

Castiel  _finally_ appears, standing right next to Dean, their arms brushing like always. Dean looks at him and Cas just stares back with a small confused frown on his face. Dean waits for Cas to, y'know,  _speak_ but instead he just stares for some more and Dean tries his very hardest not to focus on Cas' blue eyes focused on him, or those pink lips and how they would feel against his, how it would feel to kiss someone whose stubble would brush against your own.

Dean gulps away the awkward thoughts and asks slowly, "Cas?"

Castiel's eyes widen and he looks down from Dean and asks quietly, "What are your thoughts on defeating Lucifer?"

Dean grins, "The colt."

"That could kill him right?" Sam asks and even though there is a hint of apprehension in his eyes, he's still smiling because so far this is the closest they've gotten to finding a way of killing Lucifer. If this works, they could actually do it, they could actually end all of this.

Castiel stays silent for a while and Dean can feel his impatience grow and grow because he needs to know  _right now_ and the more Cas considers it, the more likely it means that their idea isn't going to work.

"Well?" Dean asks, wanting to hear an answer, ready for the worst, ready for Cas to shut the idea down completely.

"It," Castiel says slowly, "could kill him, I'm not sure."

"But it's worth looking into right?" Sam asks, practically jumping up and down.

"Do you know where the colt is?" Castiel asks and it's only then that Dean realises there's something  _off_ about him, more so than usual. He seems more tired than the last time he'd saw him and his voice, well, his voice is off too, like he's swallowed even more gravel.

"No, the last we heard was that Lilith had it but we can ask around, capture a few demons but this time we'll make sure it's not a trap," Sam nods, obviously not noticing the change in Cas but Dean supposes he wouldn't seeing as he doesn't spend the whole time studying Cas whenever he's around like Dean does.

"Do not go after any demons without me. I may not be able to smite them but I would prefer to be there, I do have my angel blade after all," Castiel mutters and yeah, there is something definitely strange about Cas' voice, the way it hitches slightly every now and then.

"Hey man, you okay?" Dean asks with a frown.

"I'm fine," Castiel says but his voice still sounds strange and Dean just knows he's lying for some reason and that does not sit well with Dean.

"You sure? Your throat is croakier than normal," Dean persists.

Castiel doesn't say anything, just frowns at him slightly, his eyebrows furrowing as he just stares at Dean. His eyes slide from Dean's eyes to lips then back to his eyes again. Oddly, he looks like he's trying to solve some kind of puzzle.

"Cas?" Dean asks softly, stepping forward to the angel slightly.

"I," Castiel sighs, averting his gaze, "just killed Zachariah."

"What?!" Dean shouts, feeling his heart plummet at the thought of Cas having to fight Zachariah, especially when he doesn't have all his angel juice. Dean doesn't give a fuck that he'd managed to kill him, just the idea of Cas being in a fight that could have killed him is enough to want to make him puke.

"He found me, I don't know how and he asked where to find you. I refused of course, we fought and I killed him," Castiel says tiredly, still not looking at him.

"You're okay though right?" Dean asks, feeling his heart thrum hard against his chest.

"Yes, most of my injuries to my vessel have healed, although my throat still hasn't completed its healing yet," Cas says, like the fact that he is fucking hurt doesn't even matter.

"Fuck Cas," Dean breathes out and grabs Cas' arm, trying not to tug at him too hard because he doesn't want to hurt him any more than he already is. Thankfully, Cas follows his lead and sits on the edge of the bed, although he looks slightly confused as to why Dean's dragged him there.

"What the fuck did he do to you?" Dean growls, wishing he'd been there to rip the dick's heart out.

"It's not of import," Castiel shakes his head which only pisses Dean off even further.

"Yes it is, what do you mean your throat hasn't healed yet?" Dean demands, looking over every inch of Cas to see any injury and not seeing one but his heart still hasn't slowed down and he is well aware that he is fucking panicking. Dean settles back to Cas' face, staring into his eyes as he waits for a reply, afraid of what Cas will say.

Castiel sighs, "He broke some of the tendons but they are healing."

"Why didn't you tell us?!" Dean shouts because Cas,  _his_ _Cas_ had been fucking hurt and he hadn't said a word about it, masked it away as Dean fucking talked about colts and all the while Cas had just had his fucking tendons in his throat torn apart.

"I was intending to tell you of Zachariah's death when it was appropriate," Cas says, totally not getting what Dean is so pissed off about.

"No, I mean, tell us that you'd just been fucking attacked and you were hurt."

Castiel stares at him, looking like he still doesn't understand why Dean is so panicked, "Because they are healing Dean, my vessel is practically back to its usual state now."

"Well, you're staying here until you're fully healed," Dean decides because no way is he letting Cas go out there with angels on his ass when he's not fully recovered. Hell, if Dean had his way he wouldn't let Cas out of his sight at all if the guy didn't have full power and angels were after him.

"Dean," Castiel sighs, probably ready to argue back but Dean's not having any of it.

Dean sits on the bed opposite of Cas, fighting the urge to shake his stupid angel to knock some sense into him, "Cas, you're our friend, you're supposed to tell us when you're hurt so we can help you."

"Friend?" Castiel asks slowly with wide eyes.

"Yeah, you dumbass, you fucking died to help us, that more than qualifies you to be our friend." Dean rolls his eyes, but his body is tense because does Cas really not think they're friends? Is Dean really that shit at being someone's friend? Well, in all fairness, it's not like he's had much practice.

"I've never had friends before," Castiel says with a small, awe like smile and just the thought of being alive for thousands of years and never having a friend? Well, that right there is the most fucked up, saddest thing that Dean has ever heard.

"Yeah, well now you do so get used to it," Dean smiles as Cas does the same, his body relaxing onto the bed. Dean suddenly really wants to clasp Cas' face in his hands and tell him that he's always going to have Dean no matter what. But he knows that's crossing some sort of line and Cas wouldn't like it, he doesn't want to know that Dean likes him like that. Ugh, liking your angel that's emotionally inept is hard.

Castiel's eyes light up and he rummages into his pocket, pulling out an angel blade and handing it over to Dean.

"Cas?" Dean asks, still taking the blade but not really knowing what Cas expects him to do with it. What, is he supposed to keep a hold of it while Cas recharges or what?

"It's Zachariah's blade, you should keep it. It can kill angels and demons," Castiel smiles a secret smile and it almost looks like he's having some kind of inner joke but that makes no sense so Dean ignores it, "You might need it someday."

"Oh," Dean smiles, looking down at the blade and thinks about how much trust Cas must have for him if he is willing to pass over the one thing that could kill Cas instantly, "Thanks Cas."

"You're welcome Dean," Castiel smiles back sincerely and its times like these that Dean just want to pull him into a freaking bear hug and never let go but that would be weird so instead he settles for a compliment because friends can do compliments without showing their inner gay.

"I can't believe you killed Zachariah, even with all your powers cut off."

Castiel smiles tightly and looks down and Dean realises that maybe Cas doesn't want to talk about how he'd killed one of his brother's even if said brother was a complete and utter dick.

"You're a fucking badass you know that," Dean grins and Cas looks back up, eyes shining again and he's fucking smiling and okay, maybe he doesn't want to talk about his dead brother but he laps up compliments like a fucking sponge.

Sam coughs loudly from the dining table and shit, Dean had kind of forgotten that he was there. Dean turns around and gives Sam a pointed look and Sam just shrugs with a massive grin on his face and goes back to his stupid laptop. God, his brother is annoying.

"So," Dean turns back to Cas, "What do you want to do in your few hours off?"

"It won't take hours to heal Dean, in fact it's practically healed already," Castiel points out.

"What, you have some better place to be or something?" Dean asks, trying very hard not to be offended.

Castiel's eyes widen, "What? No, that's not what I said."

"Good," Dean nods, grabbing the remote from Castiel's side and passing it to him, "You're in charge of the TV for the next few hours, put whatever shit you want on and I'll try my best not to complain."

Castiel stares at the remote like it's a freaking alien or something before pointing it at the television and flicking through the channels before leaving it on some kind of weird documentary about nature or some shit. Still, Dean doesn't say anything, just purses his lips shut and settles back on Sam's bed. His gaze returns to Cas though, who is still perched on Dean's bed, still as a statue.

"Cas, relax, put your feet up," Dean rolls his eyes, gesturing for Cas to lie down.

Castiel stares at him, then down at his feet and slowly but surely he seems to get what Dean is saying and lifts his legs onto the bed and settles against the headboard.

"Better?" Dean asks, lifting an eyebrow.

"Yes," Castiel says, flicking his eyes to Dean, "I should really be hunting for my Father."

"It can freaking wait a few hours Cas, you need to properly heal first," Dean grunts.

"Fine," Castiel says, going back to staring at the television.

"You know, if your daddy was the one to have put me and Sam on that plane he has a weird fucking sense of humour," Dean says conversationally.

"How do you mean?" Castiel's eyebrows furrow.

"He means," Sam says with a grin, "He's terrified of planes."

"Shut up Sam," Dean retorts.

"He hunts monsters for a living and is more than ready to go after Lucifer but when you put him on a plane he freaks out like a little girl," Sam teases.

"You're such an annoying  _giant_  fucker," Dean grunts, picking up a pillow and throwing it at Sam's face who shrieks before pulling out his bitch face.

Castiel's lips quirk upwards as he stares at Dean but then they are quickly pressed together when Dean frowns.

"Are you laughing at me Cas because you can get a pillow to the face too you know," Dean warns, holding up a pillow ready for battle.

"Of course I am not laughing at you Dean," Castiel says, eyes too wide and innocent to actually mean he's innocent.

"If you wasn't injured right now I would fucking tackle you to the floor," Dean grumbles and then grimaces as he realises what he's just said and how it could be totally taken the wrong way. Sam snorts then splutters into full blown laughter. Castiel looks from one brother to the other, probably wondering what's so freaking funny. Dean just glowers, throwing a second pillow at Sam's face.

"Hey!" Sam shouts.

"Shut up Sam, Cas is trying to watch the TV," Dean shouts and Sam thankfully shuts up and goes back to whatever he was doing on his laptop. Cas doesn't say anything and just turns his attention to watching the television. Even Dean can see that he's smiling though and probably at Dean's expense.

Okay, Sam and Cas are officially as bad and annoying as each other.

_The fuckers._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References to Dean's torture/torturing in Hell

Ever since the whole apocalypse had started the boys have been on a mission to capture some demons. Well, their first mission is to kill Lucifer but finding demons is their way to getting that. And now that they have their whole colt plan, capturing some demons to find out where the hell its hiding is kind of their number one priority. Along with hiding from angels and Lucifer. Oh and there's still the whole issue of Dean trying to suppress his stupid feelings.

Okay, the more Dean thinks about it the more he realises they have a lot on their plate.

That plate doesn't seem so bad when Bobby calls though, saying he's captured a demon and that they should haul their asses over there if they want a piece of the action on asking about the colt. Thankfully, they're only an hour's drive away and both Dean and Sam are excited to finally do something that's productive.

But the closer they get there, the more Dean realises what they're walking in to, what they're going to have to do to get the information, things that hit Dean far too close to home. But Dean isn't going to say anything, can't mess up their one chance, he has to be strong and not be a fucking weakling all the time.

When they get there Sam strides on in, Dean following but stopping when they get into the hallway. Sam turns to meet him inquisitively.

"Dean?" Sam asks with a frown.

"I'm gonna call Cas, he said for us to call him when we have a demon," Dean says quickly, popping out his phone. Sam doesn't seem to notice that Dean is practically shaking and he just nods before walking into the room that has a demon in. A demon that they're going to torture to get answers.  _Shit._

The phone call is short, Cas never one for having deep conversations on the phone but then again, neither is Dean Within a minute of getting his phone out, Cas is standing next to him with a weird little smile on his face.

"Hey," Dean nods.

"Dean, where is Sam?" Castiel asks, still smiling.

"In there with the demon," Dean points to the other room, feeling himself calm down a little with Cas by his side.

Castiel's smile suddenly disappears and holy shit, he can look fucking terrifying when he wants to, "You already captured it? I thought we agreed that you wouldn't go after one without me."

Dean backtracks quickly, "We didn't capture it, Bobby did."

"Oh," Castiel replies, a hint of blush creeping onto his cheeks and Dean kind of wants to make fun of him for it and tease him about making assumptions but then he remembers what they're about to do and finds he's not really in the mood to joke around.

"As soon as Bobby said he'd got one we called you. Luckily, we were only an hour away from here ourselves," Dean says with a shrug, thinking that it wasn't lucky at all.

"Okay," Castiel nods.

"Well," Dean swallows, asking tightly, "You want to go have some fun interrogating a demon?"

"Will you be okay with this?" Castiel asks softly and of course Cas knows him out of everyone. Fuck, he'd raised him from Hell and Dean knows that Cas must have seen him torturing, must know what horrors he did to other people, how it had changed him. And here Cas is, still standing by his side, not looking at him like the monster he is. And Dean doesn't know what the fuck to do with that.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Dean asks because even if Cas knows, knows that Dean is going to more than likely break, Dean isn't going to admit it because dammit they  _need_  this. They need to get the colt so Dean can clean up his mess and kill Lucifer.

Castiel looks at him for a moment but decides to not push any further and mutters, "Let's go."

Dean follows Castiel into the room, the demon stuck in a devil's trap in the middle, tied to a chair, the usual demon stuff. Dean lets his eyes cast over to where Sam and Bobby are, at the instruments on the table and fuck he's not going to be able to this, he really can't do this.

"You're Castiel right? The angel who isn't really much of an angel anymore. Honestly, you should have used your brain a little more before you sided with these idiots. Or do angels not have brains?" the demon drawls out, staring at Cas like he's fucking meat and okay, that shit doesn't fly with Dean.

"Why don't you just shut up?" Dean growls, suddenly forgetting what they're about to do and just wanting to stab the guy in the chest with his new trusty angel blade.

"Aw, I think Dean here likes you," the demon teases and okay, Dean really wants to punch the guy.

It doesn't seem to faze Cas though who just walks up to the demon and demands, not asks, "Tell us where the colt is."

The demon looks confused for a moment, cocking his head to the side and seriously, if you're not Cas, that look isn't cute, "The colt? That's what this is about?"

"Tell us all you know," Castiel orders.

"I'm not going to tell you anything you stupid dick," the demons laughs and Dean has had enough. Dean steps forward, throwing a nice amount of holy water onto the demon's face and smiles as the demon screams, his skin burning.

"Yes you fucking are," Dean grips the demon by his jaw and fuck, he just wants to rip this guy limb from limb, tear into his fucking guts and force him to speak because Dean knows he can, he can make this guy scream until he tells them all he needs to know and he's going to make it fucking happen, damn the fucking consequences.

Dean falters when he feels Castiel touch his back, a small gesture but it manages to snap Dean from whatever the fuck that as. And fuck, in that small moment he'd reverted back to Hell and he'd been more than willing to start torturing again. Dean drops his hands to his side and swallows down the bile threatening to escape because if it hadn't been for Cas, he wouldn't have stopped and if he hadn't have stopped, Dean would be fucking lost.

Sam's suddenly there, looming over the demon, "Where's the colt?"

"Oh Sam, you trying to fix up all your messes? You know, you're quite the hero in Hell, what with you releasing Lucifer and all," the demon says with a grin but Dean can hardly hear them, is hardly even keeping it fucking together. He vaguely hears Bobby and Sam questioning, hears the demon's screams, screams that are entwining with Dean's memories, memories that he's trying to block out but he can't stop them, can't stop his mind from making him relive all those times, all forty years of them.

Fuck, he needs to get out of here, else he's going to completely lose it, lose himself.

Then, with a blink, Castiel's hand is on his shoulder and then they're out of there, outside the building, away from the demon's screams, from Bobby and Sam's interrogating skills.

"What the hell Cas?" Dean shouts, trying to stop himself from completely breaking down and crying or some shit but he's out of there, he's out of that room and he doesn't have to go back in and Cas has saved him yet again, like he always does.

"They can do this without you," Castiel says.

"They shouldn't have to," Dean says because it's true, Dean is the weak one, has always been the weak one but now he's just fucking useless. He can't even stay in a fucking room with a demon when they're questioning him. How the hell is he supposed to kill Lucifer?

Castiel tilts his head, "Do you think they would prefer you to be in there with them so you can torment yourself of your past?"

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Dean snaps because Cas is right, gets Dean to the very core but still, he doesn't need Cas to remind him of how fucking weak he is. Cas shouldn't have to force him out of buildings because he can't handle it.

"Your friend," Castiel says simply, like that's the answer to it all and well, it _is_ the answer to it all isn't it? Cas _is_  his friend, even when he shouldn't be and Cas isn't going anywhere, has Dean's back. He  _understands_ Dean and right here, at this very moment, Dean wants to tell him everything, tell him that he loves him because _fuck,_ _he_ _loves_ _him_ but he can't. Because if Dean did that Cas wouldn't be his friend anymore, he  _would_ leave him and if Cas left, they might not be able to stop the apocalypse and six billion people are more important than Dean and his stupid feelings.

Dean shakily sits down, letting his head rest against the building, shutting his eyes and just concentrating on not losing it, of trying to stay strong because the world needs him to. In a short few moments Dean feels Cas sit next to him, their arms brushing against each other and Dean lets his breathing relax, let's himself focus on how he has Sam, he has Bobby and against everything, he has Cas too.

"Cas, can I ask you something?" Dean asks after twenty minutes of silence, glad that Cas hasn't forced him to talk, has just sat there beside him and just been  _there._

"Of course," Castiel says instantly.

"You're basically falling right? That's what's happening to you?" Dean asks softly because he doesn't really want to ask these questions but ever since that warehouse full of demons he's wanted to know,  _needed_ to know.

"Yes, that is what's happening," Cas whispers and he sounds so broken that Dean wants to wrap him up and never let go because Cas shouldn't have to be going through this when all he had done was try to save the world.

"If you're falling, does that mean you're becoming human?"

Castiel swallows, "Yes, eventually I'll lose all of my grace. It would take a very long time, compared to human time anyway, but yes, eventually I will become human."

Dean flickers his eyes to Castiel "But if you become human, what about Jimmy?"

"Jimmy?" Castiel asks, like he's totally forgotten that he's possessing the poor bastard.

"Yeah, cause surely if you become human you can't share a body with another human or can you?" Dean asks because that's the whole issue here isn't it? If Cas falls does that mean he'll be pushed out of his vessel because there can't be enough room for two humans could there? And then Jimmy would go back to being Jimmy and okay, fair play to the guy but where the hell would that leave Cas?

Castiel stares at him for a moment, his eyes hazy, like he's not really looking at Dean, more like he's looking through him. And then he's struggling to breathe, his whole body shuddering and Dean doesn't know what's happening but he knows he needs to stop it.

"Cas?" Dean asks, trying very hard not to panic himself, gripping Cas' shoulder tightly, desperate to get Cas out of whatever the fuck this is.

"I can't- He's not- I can't feel him anymore Dean," Castiel gasps, his eyes wide, full of pain.

"What, you mean he's dead?" Dean asks tightly.

"When I died he must have, he must have died, his soul must have-" Castiel says within breaths, panic starting to seize over and Dean knows he needs to fix this, to tell Cas that it's not his fault, be there for him, just like how Cas had been there for him.

"Hey it's okay Cas," Dean soothes, desperate to make Cas breathe properly again.

"No it's not Dean, he was my vessel and now he is dead because of me," Castiel shouts, panic still in his eyes but his breathing is starting to steady but now he's not looking at him, staring at the small space of floor between them.

"Hey, maybe that's a good thing, he's not trapped anymore. He's free, enjoying his time in Heaven yeah?" Dean tilts down so Cas has no choice other than to look at him and he sees that Cas seems to be simmering down, his body no longer shuddering.

"Yes, he will be in Heaven," Castiel says softly.

"Exactly, he'll be okay up there Cas. And don't you dare feel guilty for this; it wasn't your fault okay? Jimmy agreed to be a vessel and it wasn't you who killed him, it was Raphael, don't you forget that," Dean says forcefully because he is not letting Cas blame himself for this. Dean knows what feeling guilty does to a person and he's not going to let Cas be broken too.

Castiel stares at him for a moment, before slowly nodding, averting his gaze, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Okay Cas," Dean tightens his hold on Castiel before letting go and sitting back against the wall. He gets it, knowing when not to push. Cas needs to sort this out alone but at least now he knows that Dean is here if he ever needs to talk about it. Fuck, why can't things be okay again? But then again, when have things ever been okay? He'd met Cas in fucking hell so it's not like things were ever going to be simple here. Sure, things were simpler before hell, when it had just been him and his brother hunting things and looking for their dad but would Dean really go back to that if it meant that he didn't have Cas, didn't even know him?  _No_ , Dean finds, he wouldn't, because everything that had happened between then and now was worth it if he has Cas by his side, even if it isn't exactly how he wants him and Cas to be together, it's still fucking worth it.

Dean's thoughts are broken when Sam comes out of the building, looking down at them at what Dean knows to be Sam's face of 'We should talk about our feelings.' And Dean really isn't in the mood to talk about his feelings anymore. He already feels like he's been fucking drained today and he's had enough.

"Dean, you okay?" Sam frowns.

"He's fine," Castiel says before Dean can lie and say he's okay, "What the demon were saying about me and my abilities- it pained me a lot more than I thought it would. So I had to leave, and I selfishly took Dean with me because I didn't want to be alone."

Dean turns to meet Cas, eyes wide at the fact that Cas had just lied for him, had been willing to make it so he looked weak so Dean didn't, so Dean wouldn't have to share his thoughts and feelings when he and Cas both knew he didn't want to talk about it.

"Hey, its okay Cas, I get it," Sam shrugs, his face softening.

"Do you have the information we need?" Castiel breaks his gaze from Dean and looks up to Sam.

"According to the demon, a group of Lilith's demon friends in Wyoming have it," Sam says.

"You have an address?" Dean asks, looking up to Sam.

"We have the whereabouts," Sam frowns, "He said he didn't know the exact location."

"The state is all we need, we'll be able to locate them," Castiel says, back to business and not like he had a fucking panic attack five minutes ago. Maybe he and Cas are more alike than he had initially thought.

"What about Lucifer?" Dean asks because getting the colt is important but they kind of need to know where Lucifer is to  _use_ it.

Sam sighs "Nothing much on that front, he swears he doesn't even know where he is or even if he's got his vessel yet."

"Anything else?" Dean questions, standing, Cas following.

"No, he said he didn't know anything else," Sam says.

"He dead?" Dean barks because he really wants to get the fuck out of here already.

Sam says, looking at Castiel with a nervous expression, "No, not yet, we thought that maybe you'd want to try and smite him. I know that the text said you couldn't but you said you were unsure right? Well, here's your chance at seeing if you can. Even if you can't, we're going to kill him so he won't be able to tell anyone that you're, y'know, not fully charged up."

"I suppose it is worth a try," Castiel says slowly and Dean thinks this is a really _bad_  idea because Cas had been struggling to breathe at the thought of Jimmy being dead so how the hell is he going to react if he finds out he hasn't got his smiting powers anymore? Dean starts to tell him that maybe he should leave it but Cas is already gone, flying into the building and more than likely finding out that he hasn't got all his angel juice.

"Dean?" Sam asks with a frown. Dean pushes past him and walks into the building, into the room. He ignores the bloody pulp that's the demon and focuses on Cas, whose palm is already on the demon's forehead but there isn't a flashing of light, no hint of Cas' grace anywhere.

Castiel falters and the little fucker in the chair starts to giggle, "Can't kill me huh? What a fucking waste of space you are."

And then before Dean even knows what he's doing, he's slamming Zachariah's blade into the demon's neck, enjoying the look of the demon's eyes widening in panic before they waver into lifelessness.

"Don't you fucking listen to him," Dean says flatly before walking back out of the room, ignoring Bobby's asking of 'What the fuck was that?'

"Dean?" Sam asks when he makes it back outside.

"Cas cant smite anymore," Dean says, still walking, letting Sam try and catch up with him which let's be honest, doesn't take very long because his brother is a fucking giant and he has the biggest stride known to man.

"Shit," is all Sam says and yeah, Dean agrees with him on that one.

Dean stops short when Cas appears in front of him, his face as unreadable as ever.

"What?" Dean asks, wincing at how snappy that had sounded but he's had a really fucking long day and too much shit has happened and Dean hasn't quite gotten his head around it yet.

"I just wanted to say goodbye before I carry on with my hunt," Castiel says to both of them.

"Okay," Sam nods, "But you're going to be okay right?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" Castiel tilts his head and okay, Dean thought  _he_  was the master of hiding your emotions and problems but Cas is well on his way to taking his fucking crown.

Sam just shakes his head in reply; probably not sure of whether it would be good etiquette to remind an angel that he's not much of an angel anymore.

"Just-" Dean swallows, "Just be careful okay?"

Castiel smiles faintly, "I will, thank you."

With another blink and the sound of flapping wings, Cas is gone.

"You think he's going to be okay?" Sam asks softly.

Dean sighs and lets out a silent prayer even though he doesn't know why because there's nobody listening, "I hope so."

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

"Dean, wake up!" Sam shouts.

"Hmmph," Dean grumbles, burying his head further in his pillow.

"Dean!" Sam persists.

"What?!" Dean shouts, sitting up in bed.

Sam glares at him from the table before saying, "I think I've found the whereabouts of the demons."

Dean rubs his eyes, "You mean the demons with the colt?"

"Yep," Sam nods at his laptop, "Demon signs all over Delaware."

"Right," Dean nods, twisting himself so he's sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You gonna call Cas?" Sam asks, back to staring at his laptop. Seriously, Dean wouldn't be surprised if his little brother announced he was marrying the thing.

"I'll call him after I've had a shower. You know Cas, we'll call him here and he'll zap us to wherever and I'll still be in my boxers," Dean says, standing up and stretching before grabbing some clothes.

"Okay, go have a shower," Sam nods.

"Will do," Dean says, heading to the shower. He tries to be as quick as possible because if the demons are in Delaware like the signs are pointing, they need to get there as quick as possible before the demons run off and they're back to square one again. He just hopes that there's not too many of them but he knows that's kind of stupid to hope because these demons are guarding the freaking colt, there's going to be loads of them.

When he walks out of the bathroom, feeling refreshed and ready to kill some demons he finds Sam still at his laptop but he can already sense there's something wrong, Sam's jaw tight, and his shoulders rigid.

"Sammy?" Dean asks, almost not wanting to know what's wrong.

Sam gulps, "Turn on the news."

Dean stares at him for a moment before switching on the television, flicking through with the remote until he finds the news channel.

_Fuck._

Dean grabs his phone from the table and slams the buttons until he finds Cas' name, calling him as he paces the floor, "Cas?"

"Yes?" Castiel asks, his voice sounding tinny through the shit connection.

"Get here  _now_. We're at the same motel as you left us. Just get here," Dean orders, carrying on with his pacing as he waits.

"Where the fuck is he?" Dean growls, wondering why Cas takes so fucking long to answer his call now when before it had taken him seconds. For all Cas knew, they could be in the middle of a fight and the minute it takes Cas to turn up, they could both have their guts on the floor.

Dean turns to greet the sound of wings, seeing Cas standing there with a frown on his face, "What's happened?"

Dean can't help but spit out, "Look at the fucking news."

Castiel frowns further but walks up to the television, pressing the on button, the anchor woman filling the room yet again and Dean really doesn't want to fucking hear it again.

_"Across the globe, there have been reportedly ten earthquakes, ranging from a magnitude of five to nine. It has not yet been determined how many casualties there are in total but it has been estimated to be in its thousands. It is unsure how-"_

Castiel turns the television off quickly and murmurs, his back to the Winchesters, "Lucifer has his vessel."

"You fucking think?" Dean glares at his back because they should have been able to stop this and now god knows how many people are dead. Because of them. Because they had all fucked up.

"What do we do?" Sam whispers, guilt dripping with every word.

Castiel turns to meet Dean's gaze, "There is nothing we can do apart from find the colt and hope that that can kill Lucifer."

"Why should we even fucking listen to you? This is all your brothers and sisters fault," Dean snarls, stepping up to Castiel, very much wanting to punch the guy’s lights out in that moment. Because fuck his feelings, fuck everything, because they had all done this and Cas should feel just as fucking guilty as Dean does ( _even though it hadn't been Cas' fault had it? It had been_ your  _fault_.  _All of it is your fucking fault._ )

"No Dean, it's my fault," Sam murmurs from behind him.

Castiel ignores Dean and walks past him to meet Sam, placing a hand on his shoulder, glancing up to Dean, "This is not your fault Sam and neither is it yours Dean."

"I never said it was my fucking fault did I?" Dean growls.

"Yes but I know you're thinking it," Castiel points out and Dean feels his fists unclench because Cas gets him, know what he's feeling and he  _doesn't blame him._

Castiel glances from one brother to the other, "Where are we on the demons that have the colt?"

After a moment of silence, Castiel repeats himself forcefully, "I said, where are we on the demons that have the colt?"

Sam decides to pipe up, his voice wavering, "Last night there were demonic signs all over Ohio, mainly in Delaware. We were just about to call you and tell you about it but then- then we saw the news."

"Perhaps Lucifer knows that we are on to the demons that have the colt, knows that we are closing in on killing him so he used the earthquakes as an attempt to distract us," Castiel says thoughtfully.

"So what you're saying is it  _is_  our fault that all those people died?" Dean shouts because one second Cas is saying it's not their fault and now he's saying it is?

"Dean, you have to  _calm down,_ I'm not saying it is for definite, I'm saying it is a possibility. Lucifer may not even know we  _exist_ , let alone that we are trying to  _kill_ him," Castiel says, glaring at him.

"So you're saying that we should go to Delaware?" Sam asks dubiously.

Castiel nods, "Yes, I am certain that we'll be able to find the demons and extract the colt from them."

"Yeah, but how are we going to find them there? They're not exactly going to have signs pointing them out and what if they've already moved on?" Sam asks and it's a good question and already Dean can feel his head thumping. He just wants to go back to bed and pretend none of this is happening, that they haven't started the apocalypse, that everything is all good.

Dean's phone goes off, distracting him and when he reads it, he just gets even more pissed off, "I don't fucking believe it."

"What?"

"Our very own  _Superman_ has just text us giving us the exact co-ordinates to the demons," Dean snarls, wanting to throw his phone and smash it into little pieces so their stupid fucking stalker couldn't contact them.

Castiel tilts his head, stepping forward, "Isn't that a good thing?"

"You know what? No it fucking isn't. Whoever this person is seems to know exactly what's about to happen right?"

"Right," Castiel says, a small frown starting to form on his face.

"Then why didn't he fucking warn us that  _thousands_ of people were going to die?" Dean points out.

Castiel falters, stares at the floor for a moment, the frown deepening before he says quietly, "Even if he had told us we wouldn't have been able to stop it."

"We could have tried," Dean shouts because they could have done  _something,_ _anything._

Castiel shakes his head, "No we couldn't. All of the earthquakes across the country happened within an hour Dean. What would we have done? We couldn't have moved that many people across the world in time to save them. We couldn't have warned them because no-one would have believed us. If d- If the person on the phone would have warned us about it, it would have just meant that we knew in advance that all those people were going to die and not being able to do a thing to stop it."

"He's right Dean," Sam mutters.

Dean shuts his eyes, trying to calm his breathing because he knows they're right, that they couldn't have saved all those people. They couldn't have done anything. It's just another time that Dean feels completely and utterly useless.

Castiel questions quietly, like he's afraid that Dean is going to go off on one again, "Okay, so shall we go to the demons?"

Sam says, "Yeah, but there's going to be a few of them right? I mean, we have one knife against them all."

Dean exhales once more, gets his mind back onto the task at hand and grabs the bag of weapons, "No we don't remember, Cas has his blade and I have Zach's."

Sam muses, "So we all have a weapon. Guess it's not going to be  _too_ difficult then but we're still going to have to be quick."

"You've still got your wings right?" Dean asks Castiel, unsure of why because he's just appeared with his freaking wings but Castiel nods all the same, "So you're quicker than us. You can flit around between the demons, killing them way faster than me or Sam."

"Yes," Castiel agrees, "While I am killing the demons, you should try and locate the colt. They will have it in their possession so it will be in the building somewhere."

Dean nods, looking over to Sam, "That okay Sammy?"

"Yeah, let’s go," Sam stands next to Dean who's gripping Zachariah's blade tightly, Sam holding Ruby's blade.

Castiel presses a palm to both of their chests and within a blink, they've been transported to what Dean can only imagine is Delaware. Ugh, Dean is never going to get used to the whole being transported in a blink of an eye  _ever._

"Hold on," Castiel orders, his eyes unblinking, a hazy sheen over them.

"What are we waiting for?" Dean asks, ready to just go into whatever building the demons are in and fucking kill them all. He really needs to kill something. It'll help take his mind off all the shit that's going on.

"I was seeing whether I could use my ability to be concealed to the naked eye but it appears that that is one of my powers that I am no longer able to use," Castiel mutters and the way he says it makes Dean want to forget all his anger and hug him because his angel is slowly becoming human and he knows just by looking at him that Cas doesn't want that. But it's happening anyway. His angel is falling.

"Wait, so you used to be able to be invisible?" Sam asks, eyes wide.

"Yes, but not anymore," Castiel murmurs.

"Can we focus on the task at hand please?!" Dean shouts because he doesn't want Cas to have to keep on thinking about losing his grace and all the powers he is losing. It isn't fair to him and the least him and Sam could do is not put focus on it.

Castiel bows his head, "Yes, of course, my apologies. There are twenty demons in total. I can feel their presence but I cannot locate where they exactly are in the building."

"Shit," Dean murmurs because he really doesn't like the odds right now, "Well, let's just go in, all guns blazing. I mean, Superman wouldn't have sent us here if he thought we were going to get completely murdered right?"

"No," Castiel says, certainty in his voice and Dean doesn't know why Cas is so certain but hey, if Cas isn't worried, he isn't going to be either.

"Okay, fly us in then Cas," Dean smiles at Cas. Castiel nods, grips both brothers by the forearms and takes them into the building. Warily, Dean looks around, no demons in sight and pretty much no furniture either.

"Work from here to the bottom floor," Castiel whispers closely to Dean's ear and Dean has to fight the urge not to shiver because dammit they are on a hunt here. He nods in reply and starts to look around the room at the little furniture there is to see if there is any place the colt can be hidden. Wouldn't that be perfect? If the colt is in this room and they can just sneak it out without having to fight any demons? Yeah, like that's going to happen.

He notices Cas' disappearing act, probably looking in the other rooms. Dean creeps into the next room, Sammy taking the other one, both searching quietly for the damn colt. When neither of them finds anything they both nearly walk into each other, Sam silently glaring at him before they walk into the last remaining room of the floor, Cas standing over a dead demon.

Castiel turns to meet them and  _shit,_ his face is a mess, deep scratches painted across his face, like the demon had tried to claw his face off or something. Dean wishes he'd got there sooner so he could have killed the demon himself, the bastard.

Dean swallows down his worry and whispers, "It's not up here dude, all the rooms are empty."

Castiel nods in reply, walking past them to the stairs, gesturing for them to follow. Sam and Dean follow silently behind him which turns out to be kind of useless because at the foot of the stairs are at least a dozen of very angry looking demons. The demons growl before pouncing, all scrabbling to rip them apart. Dean briefly sees Cas fight his way through them, probably to try and get to the colt, wherever the hell it is.

Dean doesn't have any more time to think about it as two demons jump him, not even having weapons, just using their bare hands, punching him hard in the stomach and face. Dean growls, pushing Zachariah's blade into the demon closest to him, the demon dropping quickly but then another demon is in its place, scrabbling at Dean's chest, while another one punches the side of his head some more.

Okay, now Dean is starting to get pissed. Dean whacks one demon in the face with the blade, before flipping it around to stab another in the heart. Three demons are on him again, all punching at Dean's face and stomach, one hitting him hard in the shoulder and even with the growls and snarls of the demons, he still hears it pop. Great, now he has a dislocated shoulder and there's still about ten demons still standing, half on Sam, (who by the looks of it is fighting like a trooper) and half on Dean.

"A little help Cas!" Dean shouts loudly as he blocks a fist with his good arm, pushing the blade out blindly, hoping for contact on any of the demons. There's a flash of light and one more demon falls but then there's just another one replacing it.

He briefly sees Cas among the demons, stabbing them like a fucking machine as he makes his way back to Dean and Sam, fighting alongside them until all the demons are pile of bodies on the floor.

Well, that went well. Better than expected anyway.

Dean finally gives himself a moment to focus on his fucked up shoulder, "Son of a bitch."

Castiel walks the last few feet between them, his face still covered in blood that Dean hopes is healing (fuck, doesn't he normally heal quicker than this?).

"You got the colt?" Dean asks.

"Yes," Castiel says with a slight pant and Dean can tell that the fighting has hit him hard, that now that he's falling and losing parts of his grace, fighting isn't as easy as it used to be. Castiel frowns slightly, placing his palm on Dean's dodgy shoulder, his eyes narrowing in concentration.

Castiel's eyes widen after a few moments and he actually steps back in shock, "I- I can't heal you."

"Hey, its okay Cas, just take us back to the motel alright? Sam can fix me up, it's okay," Dean tries to soothe, placing his hand on Cas' shoulder in hope of it calming him because Cas looks completely broken, blood still on his face, his eyes wide in horror.

Castiel doesn't even reply. He just zaps them back to their motel room and when Dean finally can catch his breath, Cas is already gone, the colt placed neatly in front of him on the floor.

"Cas?!" Dean shouts, rather pointlessly because Cas can't hear his prayers anymore, "Fuck."

And to make matters worse, white hot pain surges through his whole shoulder as his fucking brother pops his shoulder back into place.

"Fuck!" Dean repeats, glaring at his brother who appears pretty much unscathed apart from a cut lip and a few bruises, "What the fuck did you do that for?"

"It doesn't hurt as much if you're not expecting it," Sam shrugs, picking up the colt, "You think Cas is okay?"

Dean frowns, "How am I supposed to know when he fucked off first chance he got? Which he shouldn't have done because in the past week he's learnt that he can't smite demons anymore, that he can't heal, that he's basically falling and oh yeah, he had fucking gouges all over his face!"

Sam raises his eyebrows slightly at his rant but wisely doesn’t question it, "Yeah, I'm sure he'll be okay though."

"Yeah," Dean murmurs uncertainly, "I'm gonna call him though, just to, er, make sure."

"Okay," Sam nods, "I'm just going to go in the shower but not before I put the colt in the safe because now that we finally have it I'm not letting it get lost again."

"Yeah," Dean mutters, looking up at Sam, "You think it'll work?"

Sam frowns, looking down at the colt in his hand, "I don't know but we need it to."

"Yeah," Dean murmurs.

Sam nods, wordlessly puts the colt in the safe before going into the bathroom. Dean sighs, reaches out for his phone and makes one or ten phone calls, leaving voice-mails that may or may not make him sound like a worried wife but he doesn't care because the last he'd saw of Cas he'd looked lost and he needs to know that he's okay, wherever he is.

It's not until he's lying restlessly on his bed, Sam snoring from the other one, that he gets a text from Cas saying that he's fine and that he's continuing on with his hunt.

Dean gets to sleep easier after that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References to Dean's torture/torturing in Hell  
> Use of alcohol as a coping mechanism

_The sun grazes his skin, making him feel relaxed as he lies down in the field, corn crushed underneath his body but somehow still comfortable. Dean lets out a sigh, bathes in the sunlight coming through his eyelids, feeling a faint drip of sweat making its slow path down his forehead to his cheek._

_Dean lets out another contented sigh, letting his hands glide across the corn around him. He opens one eye to stare at the pure blue sky above him, a blue that he has definitely seen before but can't place it in his hazy frame of mind. He shuts both eyes again, wonders if there's anything more comforting than this, just lying down and being with nature, something that Dean has never really appreciated before but he realises he should have done because here there's no monsters, no apocalypse, no Lucifer._

_There's a cough behind him and Dean jumps up because no one else should be here, this is his private place so no one should be invading it. Dean steps up and has to blink a few times so the sun isn't blinding him. What he finds isn't really what he's expecting._

_There's a man standing there, hands in his pockets, wearing a white shirt and suit trousers. The blonde haired man smiles at him, blue eyes piercing into Dean's like he knows him. There's a faint niggling thought in the back of Dean's mind that he should know who this is, that he should be running away, should be pulling out a gun and shooting straight into the guy's skull._

_Dean slowly lets his hands slide to his back, searching for his gun, freezing when he realises that he doesn't have it, that he doesn't have one weapon on him._

" _You know you can't fight me here Dean," the man smiles, stepping forward, Dean instinctively stepping back even though there's several feet between them, "You don't have any weapons on you and even if you did, you wouldn't be able to hurt me with any of them."_

_Dean frowns, narrowing his eyes at the invading strange man, "Who the hell are you?"_

_The man smiles, gestures at himself in mock horror, "You mean you don't recognise me? Well, that is a surprise. Here let me help you, you were close with the hell thing."_

_Dean swallows, stares at the unassuming smiling man, sensing something more sinister in it now, "L-Lucifer?"_

_The man smiles wider, "The very one!"_

" _No, you can't- you couldn't have found me," Dean shakes his head before it dawns on him, "I'm dreaming?"_

" _Well, that took a while for you to guess," Lucifer grins, rolls his eyes and just staring at him, knowing who he is; Dean can practically see the evil dripping off the guy. Dean fights the urge to shudder at just the sight of him._

_Lucifer takes a step forward, his eyes narrowing, the smile now gone, "Now Dean, we need to talk, I've heard some little rumours about you and I."_

_Dean gulps and he doesn't care for pretending to be strong now, takes a step backwards and shouts on instinct, "Cas! Cas, you better come here right now!"_

_Lucifer tilts his head, a bemused expression on his face, "No-one can hear you here Dean, it’s just you and I."_

" _Don't fucking talk to me," Dean yells, pointing angrily at Lucifer (shit, he's shouting at Lucifer), "And get out of my fucking dream! Cas!"_

" _I don't know why you're objecting to talking to me Dean," Lucifer shrugs, "We're both stuck in your mind together until I say so you might as well listen to me."_

" _I'm not going to fucking listen to you," Dean growls, not taking his eyes off Lucifer, thinking that he probably can't hurt him here in his dreams. He hopes that's the case else he is screwed because Cas isn't hearing him and fuck, he wouldn't hear him would he? He can't hear his prayers now and he's stuck with Lucifer in his mind and he's not going to be able to get out of this._

_Dean decides to carry on shouting anyway, not wanting to hear anything the fucking Devil has to say, "Cas!"_

" _Looks like your ‘Cas’ isn't listening," Lucifer smiles, "So why don't you just listen to me instead? It'll be much easier that way you know."_

_Dean is ready to start screaming some more, scream until Lucifer gets sick of his voice and fucks off out of his mind because he's really not got any other option here because he sure as hell isn't listening to the guy. In fact, he even opens his mouth, ready to scream, when Cas appears in front of him and he doesn't know how he's done it, how he's here but he doesn't fucking care because he's here and that's all that matters._

" _Cas?" Dean asks disbelievingly but then he realises that calling him here has just fucked over Cas because with Cas standing next to him in his mind, Lucifer might actually be able to hurt him. He looks over Castiel's frame to see Lucifer, who looks just as surprised as Dean is that Cas is between them._

_Castiel turns around to greet Lucifer, Dean seeing his body tense, making a subtle step to stand in front of Dean, "Lucifer."_

" _Ah," Lucifer frowns, "Castiel, right?"_

" _You will get out of Dean's dream,_ **now,** "  _Castiel demands, taking a step forward and Dean wants to grab onto his collar and pull him back because Dean doesn't think that Lucifer is going to take it nicely when someone tells him what to do._

_Lucifer just smiles, connotations that he's ready to rip both of their faces off plastered onto it, "But this is the only way I can talk to Dean with those annoying little sigils on his ribs. Was that your doing little Castiel?"_

_Castiel ignores him and demands yet again, "Leave his dream."_

_Dean has to give him props for still being a badass while being confronted with the Devil when he's sure the guy could kill Cas with a snap of his fingers. Dean glances around and tries to figure out how to get out of his own mind, taking Castiel with him because he's got an idea where this little confrontation in his brain is going and he really doesn't want that to happen._

" _I'm actually glad you arrived little one, I've heard that both of you helped me escape the cage so for that I have to thank you. Thank Sammy for me as well won't you?" Lucifer smiles and Dean wants to rip his face off for saying his brother's name but wait? Had Lucifer just said that Cas had helped him escape?_

" _Cas?" Dean questions, thinking that this is just a way of Lucifer trying to part them because Cas couldn't have helped; he'd tried to stop this._

 _Castiel ignores him and keeps his back to him but Dean sees his shoulder's tense up even more, "Leave_ **now**."

_"I was only talking to him Castiel; you don't need to get so worked up. It's just, I've found out that he is apparently the one who is prophesied to kill me and I just can't let that happen, you understand right?" Lucifer shrugs and Dean curses inwardly because fuck, Lucifer knows that he's supposed to kill him and he's not going to ignore that is he? Fuck, fuck, **fuck.**_

_Castiel growls, his fists clenching, "I will not let you harm Dean Winchester."_

_Lucifer tilts his head, eyes wide, "How are you going to stop me Castiel?"_

_"I **will** stop you," Castiel snarls and if Dean could see his face, he knows that Cas would have his massive smiting face on even though he can't smite anymore. Shit, if Cas can't smite, how the hell is he going to fight off Lucifer? Dean needs to get them out of here and fucking fast._

_"You're annoying me now Castiel and I don't like people who annoy me. Oh, I'll kill Dean but not before I kill **you**  Castiel, you irritating little cockroach."_

_"Shut the fuck up," Dean spits out because he is not letting Lucifer kill or threaten to kill Castiel in his fucking dreams, "And get the fuck out of my dream."_

_Lucifer chuckles and murmurs, "It's funny how humans can feign fearlessness and righteousness isn't it? I think Dean here forgets that while he was in Hell he was one of **mine**  and I know everything he got up to in there."_

_The field around them disappears in flashes of red. Hell, **his**_   _Hell appears, Dean's own screams filling the air, reminding of what had happened to him that had made him scream, what Alistair had done to him for all those years, the continuous torturing._

_It gets worse when Dean's screams are muffled out by the sound of the souls he had tortured with his own hands start to circle around them. The souls that Dean had, without a thought, carved and carved at, found any way to make them scream, for them to cry out, begging him to stop._

_He had done all this, had tortured those souls without even knowing who they were, had done it and **enjoyed**_   _it._

_Hands grip his forearms tightly, Castiel's voice faint, "Dean, you have to focus!"_

_Dean ignores the voice, ignores everything apart from the screams, not even remembering the souls that the screams are from. He doesn't even remember the people he had tortured, doesn't even know whether they had been men, women, or even kids._

_He'd tortured and tortured and by doing it he'd broken the first seal and he'd started all this, he'd started the apocalypse. He'd started everything._

_His body starts to shake and Dean blinks, realises that Castiel is shaking him by the shoulders, "Dean, this is **your** dream!"_

" _Cas?" Dean whispers._

 _Castiel's fingernails dig into Dean's skin, "This is your dream Dean so **control**_   _it."_

" _I can't," Dean shakes his head because he can't do anything, he's not strong enough._

" _Yes, you can, control it **now**_! _" Castiel demands and even now, with the smell of flesh burning, with the screams of those he's tortured, Castiel still believes in him, still thinks he's strong enough to do this._

_Dean shuts his eyes and focuses, pushes his memories of Hell aside, puts them on a mountain, the cold making him shiver but he doesn't care because he's got them out of Hell, he's done it. And he knows how to get them out of there. He can get him and Cas out of there, he can do it._

" _You vile piece of-" Lucifer screams, no longer putting on a front._

" _Fuck you," Dean shouts, grabbing a hold of Castiel, gripping him tightly and then takes a step back so they're falling off the mountain. For a short moment Dean thinks he's got it wrong, that this isn't going to work but then-_

Dean sits up, takes deep lungful’s of air, waiting for his chest to stop pounding as he takes in the motel surroundings, Castiel panting beside him, Sam hopping from one foot to the other on the other side of him.

"Dean!" Sam shouts.

"What-What was that?" Castiel asks, his voice surprised.

Dean looks up at him, raises his eyebrows and tries not to sound as messed up as feels, "What, you never watched  _Inception_?"

"What?!" Castiel and Sam ask in unison, both as incredulous as the other.

"It's a kick;" Dean says tiredly, "Falling in your dream wakes you up."

"Oh," Castiel says, exhaling slowly and he looks just as fucking tired as Dean feels.

"What the hell happened?" Sam asks.

"First of all, how the hell did you know what was going on?" Dean looks at Castiel because he thought he couldn't hear his prayer anymore so how did he even know that Dean had been calling him?

"Because of me," Sam says with a shrug, "I woke up to you shouting his name in your sleep and then I tried to wake you up but I couldn't so I called Cas."

"I thought that Cas might be able to hear me, I forgot that you'd made it so you couldn't," Dean murmurs uncomfortably because he doesn't really want to talk about the fact that his first instinct when he needs help his to call the angel even when he can’t fucking hear him.

"I'll ask again, what the hell happened?" Sam asks, looking from Dean to Castiel, waiting impatiently for an answer.

"Lucifer," Castiel explains for Dean, "Lucifer was in Dean's dream."

"Shit," Sam exhales, looks at Dean, "You okay?"

"Oh, just peachy," Dean blurts out, trying his hardest not to make his voice crack, to stop his hands from shaking. He doesn't want to show how much it had fucked with his head, how seeing Hell had just brought it all back to the surface, making him edge even closer to just losing it entirely.

"What did he want?" Sam asks, sitting down on the edge of his own bed, worried eyes on Castiel, probably noticing the fact that Dean is having trouble fucking breathing right now.

"What did he say before I got there?" Castiel demands, obviously not seeing or caring that Dean is on the verge of a breakdown or that the whole Lucifer thing is more important and yeah, Dean supposes it kinda is.

Dean admits, "He didn't say much before you got there. I didn't really give him the chance to, I was just kind of shouting over him."

"So what did he say when Cas got there?" Sam asks, leaning forward slightly in preparation.

"He knows that I'm apparently the one to kill him and he basically wants to kill me before I kill him," Dean says slowly, suddenly feeling very tired. Those fucking screams are still in the forefront of his mind, taunting him, reminding him of what he had happily done while he was in the pit.

"Shit," Sam says, eyes wide.

"Oh and he wanted to thank us all for helping set him free," Dean sighs before flickering his narrowed eyes to Castiel, "I get why he'd want to thank us but why would he want to thank you? You didn't do anything to help him get free."

Dean thinks it's another one of Lucifer's taunts but just by looking at Cas he can see there's something underlining it, that there's something that Castiel is hiding.

"Cas, what aren't you telling us?" Dean asks, feeling his chest tighten, almost not wanting to hear it, not wanting to know what Cas had done.

Castiel stares at the ground and murmurs, "I was the one who released Sam from the panic room."

Dean feels his heart drop, "You- You're what?"

"I was following orders. I deeply regret it and I am undoubtedly sorry for it," Castiel looks up to Dean, deep remorse in his eyes but Dean doesn't care if he's sorry, doesn't care if he regrets it. Through everything, Dean has trusted Cas because he had been the one person who hadn't betrayed him, hadn't let him down and all this time he had. He'd let himself get fucking sucked in, let himself love him and he'd just gone and done what everyone did. He'd let Dean down. And worse, he’d betrayed him.

"You released me from the panic room?" Sam asks from behind Dean.

"Yes, I'm so sorry Sam," Castiel says, eyes wide.

And that's when Dean loses it.

"You let Sam feel guilty, made him think he caused all this and all this time it was all your fucking fault?" Dean shouts, pushing Cas over and over again until his back is slamming against the wall. Cas doesn't even fight back and that only pisses him off further because Cas just fucking stands there and stares at him.

"Dean, stop," Sam shouts from behind him but Dean is past stopping, wants to punch his fucking feelings for Cas into his face, wants to punch all of his memories of Hell into him, wants to hurt him like Dean is hurting, wants someone to feel as broken as he does.

Because this is worse than what Sam had done to Dean. Through everything Sam had thought he had been doing the right thing but Cas? Cas couldn't have thought that when he released Sam but he had gone and done it anyway. After all they had been through Cas had gone and fucking done it, just like Dean had tortured every fucking soul put in front of him even though he knew it was wrong. And everything is mixing together and Dean can't handle it, can't do this anymore.

"No! You fucking pretended to be our friend and we  _let_ you. You caused all this,  _you._ You're the one who brought Lucifer back,  _you_ and I'll never fucking forgive you for it," Dean shouts back, clenching his fingers, ready to punch everything into Castiel even though he's more angry with himself than Cas. But Cas is there and he's done something fucking wrong and Dean can blame him, make him feel as worse as Dean does because he deserves it.

"Dean, you were the one who broke the first seal, you are as much to blame as I," Castiel grits back.

Dean falters, takes a step back, his fists uncurling at his sides and he doesn't know what to do because Cas is right, he  _had_ broke the first seal, he'd started all of this and if he had been like his father none of this would have happened. He knows all this already but he'd thought that Cas hadn't seen it like that. Castiel had always been the one to tell him he's not to blame, hadn't judged him for what he'd done in the pit, had stood by his side anyway when he had saw Dean at his worst. But now he knows that Cas  _does_ blame him, does see him as the monster he is and Dean can't handle it. He can't handle knowing that Cas must blame him for everything, for him falling, for him having to kill his own family, for Cas hating him.

"Dean, I'm so-" Castiel starts, eyes wide in horror but Dean doesn't want to hear it because Cas has said what he needs to, hates him and sees him as weak just as much as the rest of the world does and Dean can't look at him knowing that anymore.

"I never want to see your fucking face again," Dean says flatly, turns on his heel and slams the door furiously. He rummages in his pockets until he finds his car keys, gets in the car and drives off with speed, ignoring the way the tires protest because he needs to get out of here. He needs to forget all of this, needs to block out Hell, needs to block out Cas' revelation, to block out Cas' hate.

* * *

It doesn't take him long to get smashed, get so drunk that he's not even sure why he's drinking in the first place. After a while, the barman refuses him and Dean very nearly gets his gun out to force him to keep giving him the hard stuff but then he catches the back of a guy's head, dark hair and in his drunken state thinks it's Cas, even though he's not wearing the damn trench coat. He thinks it so much that he starts to stumble up to him but stops short when he realises it's not his Cas and decides then that maybe it's time to go. He makes his slow way back to the car, realises he's in no position whatsoever to drive it so he falls to sit on the edge of the pavement, considering his options.

Seeing the guy in the bar just makes him want to call Cas, to see him. Even if the guy fucking hates him, he just needs to see him.

Dean gets out his phone and it takes a few tries but finally he's ringing Cas and even in his drunken state he knows that this will change everything. If Cas doesn't answer he knows he's ruined it all, that it's all over, that it's beyond repair.

"Dean?" Castiel asks, sounding panicked down the phone, though Dean doesn't understand why.

"Cas? I wanna talk to you, get your stupid ass here," Dean slurs, wanting Cas to be here so Dean can say sorry, can tell him that all of this  _is_ his fault, that he understands what Cas had done, that he'd only been angry before, that he just wants Cas to stick around and not leave him like everyone else has.

"Dean, where are you?" Castiel asks, still sounding just as frantic.

"C’mere Cas," Dean hiccups, holding the phone tightly to his ear.

"Just tell me where you are Dean," Castiel says.

Dean tries to reply but he must have accidentally pressed the off button or his phone is out of juice because Cas' voice cuts off and when Dean looks, the screen has gone black.

"Shit," Dean murmurs because he'd wanted Cas and now he can't get to him. He had just wanted to see him dammit.

"Dean?"

Dean looks up, blinks a few times, "Cas? How’d you find me?"

"You told me," Castiel says, his eyebrows furrowing in what looks like concern.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," Dean says, scrunching his face because he forgets things way too easily when he's drunk.

"Let me take you back to the motel room Dean," Castiel says, walking towards him until he's standing over him, the street-light behind him making him look even more angelic than normal and it reminds Dean of when he had first met him and saw the wings in all their glory. 

But Cas is going to lose those wings. Because of Dean. And Dean needs to say sorry, tell Cas that it's all his fault, that Cas helping Sam out of the panic room doesn’t change anything. If Dean had been stronger he wouldn't have broken the first seal. If he'd been a better brother Sam wouldn't have gone behind his back and got high off demon blood and hit the final nail in the coffin to start the apocalypse. If Dean had been stronger Cas would still be a fully-fledged angel.

"No, I want to talk to you first," Dean reaches up blindly, takes Cas' hand in his own and tugs, Cas letting himself be pulled so they're at the same eye level, Castiel crouching in front of him.

"What do you want to talk about Dean?" Castiel asks slowly, unravelling his fingers from Dean's slightly but Dean just holds tighter because holding Cas' hand can help him forget, make him pretend that they're together, that everything is fine. Castiel squeezes their fingers together and Dean never wants to let go. He looks up at Castiel's open, worried eyes and looks away again because looking at him just makes it hurt even more because he can't ever have this, can't ever have Cas.

"M'Sorry, I didn't mean what I said," Dean mutters.

"It's okay Dean, I understand," Castiel replies softly.

"You do?" Dean looks up at Castiel, a mixture of hope and concern at whether Castiel truly understands or whether he just understands the basics of why Dean got so angry, how seeing Hell again had just brought everything back up again. Castiel can't see that Dean loves him, Dean's been so careful, has hidden it away in a box, Castiel can't know that surely.

"Yes I do, I  _am_  sorry for what I did though Dean. Even at the time I knew what I was doing was wrong but I still did it and I know I can't take it back," Castiel places his other hand over their joined fingers. Dean sighs because he doesn't know whether he's relieved or not that Castiel doesn't see the bigger picture.

Dean murmurs, looking away from Cas because he can't look at him after everything he's done to him "Wasn't your fault. You tried to stop it. You went against heaven so I could stop it and I failed. And now you're falling and it's my fault and  _I failed you_  Cas."

"You didn't fail me Dean, this wasn't your fault."                                                    

"Yes it was," Dean sighs, knowing that Cas is only lying to make him not feel guilty because it is his fault and he  _had_ failed Cas and he can't fix that. There's no point in loving Cas because Cas can't love him back, not after what Dean has caused him.

Castiel's rests his hand under Dean's chin, tilting his head up so Dean has no choice other than to stare into Cas' eyes, not even a foot between their faces now and it would be so easy, oh so very easy, to just lean forward and kiss him. But he can't, he doesn't deserve it and most of all Cas doesn't  _want_  it.

Castiel murmurs, dropping his hand, "Dean, none of this is your fault, Lucifer being set free, me falling, none of it. You tried your hardest to prevent all this, I know you did and now you're trying your hardest to end it all and I know you will succeed."

"I can't do it Cas, I  _can't_ ," Dean shakes his head.

"Have faith Dean."

"In God?" Dean retorts, "He doesn't give a shit."

"No, you should have faith in  _yourself._ Believe in yourself like I believe in you,  _I have faith in you Dean_ ," Castiel leans in, mere centimetres between their faces and Dean blinks, looks at Cas' face, sees the honesty there, sees how Cas trusts him after everything, has faith that he can do this even when Dean doesn't.  _Cas has faith in him._ And suddenly, it's too hard to hold it all back, too hard to keep it all in that stupid little box and he's leaning forward, pressing his lips against Castiel's still ones, shutting his eyes and just letting the kiss take over.

But then Dean realises Cas  _isn't kissing back_ , his body and mouth stiff against Dean's and it makes him remember that Cas doesn't want this, doesn't want Dean like this and he's ruining everything.

Dean pulls back, wrenches his hand from Cas' and leans back as far as possible. He notes Castiel's face, how disgusted he looks and  _fuck,_ Dean has ruined it all.

Dean feels the alcohol practically evaporate in his system as he realises what he's done, "Fuck, I don't know why I did that."

"It's okay Dean, it’s okay," Castiel says but Dean can see it isn't, his voice shaky, that  _look_ on his face still, like Dean had broken him and how does Dean fix this?  _Please let him fix this._

"Let me take you back to the motel room," Castiel says. Dean nods in reply, lets Cas press his fingertips to his forehead and be taken back to the room, Sam already sleep, curled up in his bed. As soon as they get there, Dean puts himself as far away from Cas as possible and sits on the edge of the bed, burying his face in his hands because he's destroyed everything.

"It's okay Dean," Castiel says but Dean knows it's not just by hearing Cas, just by the look of Cas' face when Dean had kissed him, how he'd frozen when Dean had brushed their lips together and  _fuck._

"No, it's not, it's  _really really_  not. Look, I'm really drunk and I need to sleep this off so can you go please?" Dean pleads, still not looking at Cas because he can't, he can't look at him and see that look on his face again, see how much Cas is disgusted by him, how much he doesn't want Dean.

"Yes," Castiel says, the fluttering of wings filling the air and when Dean looks up, Cas is already gone.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean doesn't get much sleep that night. He spends most of it pacing the floor, taking brief intervals where he throws up his guts, unsure whether it’s because of the alcohol he's poured into his body or the fact that he's finally realising what he's done, how he's broken him and Cas. He knows that Cas is probably never going to come back and if he is, he's never going to want to be around Dean now, will only stick around to stop Lucifer, and then he'll fuck off like everyone does in Dean's life. That is if Cas ever comes back at all. He wouldn't blame him if he didn't, would understand why. He just hates the thought of having to explain to Sam why they have lost yet another chance at fighting Lucifer, explain to him that Cas is never coming back because Dean had been too weak yet again.

After another vomiting session, probably the last one seeing as he's rarely eaten and he can't have that much in his stomach, he washes his face. Pointedly, he ignores how rough he looks in the mirror and thinks that Sam will just assume it's because he's got a hangover, not because he kissed a freaking angel. What the hell had Dean been thinking?

Dean walks out of the bathroom and stops short when he sees Cas standing there. Dean had never thought that he'd come back, thought that he would hate to even look at Dean, that he wouldn't even want to be in the same room as him but he's here and maybe this can be fixed. Maybe Cas is happy to forget it, think it's a drunken accident and Dean will pretend with him. He'll do anything to not lose him.

"Cas?" Dean asks slowly, still not believing that his angel has come back, "You're- You're here."

Dean hears rustling to the side of him and he turns to see an alert looking Sam, "Cas, what are you doing here? I thought we agreed that maybe you should stay away for a bit?"

Dean glares at Sam, wondering when Sam had made that decision. Probably when Dean had stormed off. He doesn't like the thought though, of Sam telling Cas that he should stay away, that he should leave them alone. Dean doesn't want Cas to have any more reasons to leave them.

"No, its cool, we, er, talked about it and Cas and I are, er, fine now aren't we?" Dean mutters, looking down at his fidgeting fingers because what if Cas turns around and says they're not okay? What if he's just came to say that he's leaving them, that it's all because of Dean?

"Oh," Sam says.

"You're okay with Cas hanging around aren't you?" Dean questions Sam because he hadn't thought about Sam in this situation. Maybe Sam isn't okay with him being here, still blames him for everything with what happened with Lilith.

Sam smiles, "Yeah, course I am, I'm just glad that you two have sorted it out between you."

Dean relaxes, nods tightly and goes to rummage around in his bag for clothes to wear, feeling Cas' gaze on him but not returning it because he's too scared as to what he'll find in those eyes. Disgust? Pity? Hate?

"Anyway, I'm gonna have a shower," Sam says.

"No!" Dean protests loudly, realises he's shouting and calms his voice, "Let me go in first."

"Um, okay?" Sam frowns, probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with his older brother and truth be told, Dean is wondering the exact same thing. Why does he always have to ruin everything?

"Cas, you can tell Sam whatever it is you need to tell us while I'm in there," Dean says, as flippantly as possible, still not looking at Cas. He can't be with Cas alone; he can't pretend everything is fine when it's not, not after last night, not after how Cas had reacted.

"I would prefer to talk to you both," Castiel says and Dean feels him take a step closer to him. Dean flinches, just another reminder that the last time they'd been close; Dean had fucked it all up.

"Okay Cas, what do you want to talk about?" Sam asks.

"I wanted to talk about what our plans are now that we have the colt," Castiel says and Dean can still feel his eyes on him and Dean just wants to disappear, wants to take everything back from yesterday, to start again but it's all too late now. He can't take it back. It's always going to be between them and it's never going to be the same again.

"Well if you want a long discussion like that Cas, I kinda need to shower and wake up first," Sam says, completely unaware of what's happening right in front of him.

"Okay," Castiel says, defeated in his tone and Dean doesn't blame him, if he were in Cas' shoes he'd want to leave as soon as possible too.

"I'll go in the shower first," Dean pipes, grabs his clothes and runs into the bathroom with a slam of the door, desperate to just leave the room, to leave the situation, run away like he always does.

He peels off yesterday's clothes, gets into the shower and just stands under the raining water, wanting it to wash away yesterday, make him forget Hell, make him forget Lucifer, make him forget how Cas had looked when he'd kissed him.

He takes as long as possible in hopes that Cas just decides not to wait for his return and tell Sam everything instead and just leave before Dean gets back so they don't have to pretend everything is fine. His plan fails though because he opens the bathroom door to see Cas is still there sitting at the dining table and he's pretty sure he's interrupted a conversation that he hopes wasn't about him.

He narrows his eyes at Sam but Sam doesn't seem any wiser to the situation who just shrugs, stands up and says, "I'll go in the shower, I'll try and be quick."

Dean stands still for a moment before deciding that he can't be alone with Cas, not when it all hangs too heavy in the air so he pulls on his boots and grabs money from yesterday's jeans.

"Where are you going?" Castiel asks, resentment in his tone.

"To go get food," Dean says, walking to the door.

"I've already gotten you pancakes," Castiel says slowly. Dean eyes the table and sees the pile of pancakes just the way Dean likes them, with a ridiculous amount of syrup dolloped on them. Cas had gotten him pancakes? He looks at Cas for a moment but then realises that Cas had probably only gotten Dean’s favourite because Sam had told him to, Sam probably feeling sorry for him because of the whole Lucifer ordeal last night.

"Yeah but they'll be cold," Dean mutters, looking away from Cas again because he needs to stop this, to stop thinking that Cas is doing stuff for him just for the sake of being there for Dean because he's not doing that. He's only sticking around because he's got no one else. He and Sam are the only ones happy to help Cas with trying to stop Lucifer. If Cas could still go to Heaven he'd be back there in a second, happily leaving Dean behind.

"Dean, I just got them, they're still steaming," Castiel snaps and okay, if Cas is going to be a pissy little bitch because of last night so is Dean. Dean stomps his way to the table, falls heavily onto the chair and stabs the pancakes with a fork, feeling Castiel's gaze on him yet again, just staring at him wordlessly. Dean relaxes slightly because maybe they can do this. If they can sit here without any bad repercussions, without either of them saying or doing something stupid then maybe they can carry on like nothing's happened. They can do this, revert back and pretend everything is fine.

"Dean? Do you perhaps want to- Want to talk about what happened yesterday?" Castiel asks slowly.

"Just forget about it. I get it alright; we don't need to talk about it." Dean snaps because Cas has to ruin it doesn't he? Has to bring it up and make it all broken again because he knows what Cas is going to say. He knows that he's going to tell him that he doesn't feel that way about Dean, doesn't want him like that and then it's all going to be over, all the hope of something ever happening between them would be gone and Dean doesn't want it to be gone dammit. He wants to pretend that something may happen at some point, that they'll find their way together.

"Dean-"

"I said forget it!" Dean shouts, smacking his hand off the table. Castiel flinches, eyes wide and it's all so unfair because Dean just wants to lean over and smooth out the lines on his forehead, wants to kiss away the anxiety, wants to feel those damn lips against his own again and he wants Cas to want it too but he doesn't and it's just so  _damn unfair._

"We just- we don't need to talk about it because nothing happened... Right?" Dean asks, sliding his eyes to Cas because if Cas says no then maybe they have a chance but Castiel just nods and there it is, the rejection that Dean had been hoping to avoid. He would still not know, would still hope, if he hadn't been so fucking stupid last night and kissed him. Dean shuts his eyes, lets out a sigh to clear his thoughts and then opens them as he smiles falsely at Castiel. Castiel just stares back at him and yeah, this isn't going to be fixed is it?

The door of the bathroom clicks open, Sam looking at the two of them with a confused frown, "Hey guys."

"Let's talk about defeating Lucifer then," Dean smiles again, still just as false as the last one, Sam frowning harder at him.

Dean doesn't really join in with the conversation, lets Sam and Cas discuss their stupid plans about defeating Lucifer while he eats the last of his pancakes, scraping his fork against his plate until Sam yells at him to stop being annoying. Dean doesn't really have any ideas on killing Lucifer so there's no point in him joining the conversation anyway. What? You try having Lucifer swim around in your skull and then being rejected by the angel that you're in love with in the same twenty four hours.

After Sam and Cas just talk around in circles, they all decide to go to Chuck's in hopes that he might know something helpful but Dean doubts it because if the guy knew anything he would have probably rang them but whatever, it gives them something to do, makes them all feel productive.

Chuck doesn't even blink when all three of them appear in front of him and he holds out three beers. Dean takes one, ignoring the fact that it's daytime and he'd gotten smashed last night because he really needs a drink.

Chuck sits down and sighs at Cas and Sam, "See, I knew you two wouldn't have one but I thought I'd be polite anyway."

"We're here to talk to you about Lucifer," Castiel says, his jaw set in determination.

Chuck looks up at him, eyebrows raised, "Castiel, I know that already."

"Can you not be an ass and just answer him?" Dean snaps because he really doesn't have time for this.

Chuck glances from Dean to Cas, narrows his eyes, "You realise this is really fucking weird right? And really awkward? Like,  _all kinds_ of weird?"

Dean gulps because shit, Chuck is a prophet and had seen what Dean had done and he obviously doesn't approve. He thinks it's weird and okay, last night hadn't been Dean's best judgements but he's not going to let anyone call his fucking feelings  _weird._

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Dean asks, stepping forward angrily.

"Nothing," Castiel says quickly, his eyes wide, "He's not talking about anything, are you Chuck?"

Chuck rolls his eyes but puts on a smile, "Nope, not talking about anything, alcohol goes right to my brain you know, makes me ramble about nothing."

"Right," Sam frowns, looking completely lost, "Then perhaps we should come by later when you're not, er, 'rambling'."

"No, stick around, ask me your questions," Chuck puts his head in his hands and groans.

"Wow Chuck, you seem really excited to help us stop the end of the world," Dean smiles falsely because he's not going to let the whole Chuck thinking his big gay love is weird slide and be forgotten.

Chuck rolls his eyes again and Dean is starting to get even more pissed at the guy, "Do you have any idea how annoying it is to be a prophet? Do you realise that I have already dreamt this whole conversation, even the stuff that I am saying  _right now?_  I'm just repeating it all. Every time I'm with you guys it's like freaking groundhogs day! And the things I have to see in my dreams, things that no one wants to see, things that will forever burn my eyes and then I have to deal with trying to help you  _lunatics_ to try and stop the freaking Devil, the Devil, full on leader of Hell, horns and all,  _Devil_! I mean, what has my life become? What has it become?!"

Dean opens his mouth to say something but doesn't really know how to reply to that because the guy is clearly having a massive freak out and he should probably be helped through it but on the other hand the guy had just insulted them about fifty million times so...

"Lucifer doesn't actually have horns," Castiel says slowly, like he's speaking to a really thick child and then the weird tension between the four of them evaporates for a moment and Dean can't help but snort, Sam even coughing out a brief laugh.

Chuck groans dramatically, "I knew you were going to say that."

"Look we get it, you're stressed out-" Sam starts.

"Stressed out is an understatement! I mean, the whole world rides on you three,  _you three!_ "

"Wow Chuck, tell us how you really think," Dean half frowns, half smiles because isn't your prophet supposed to believe in you and not think you're doomed?

"I don't know anything okay? Sometimes I can be a week ahead of you guys, sometimes only a couple of hours and at the moment I'm only a couple of hours ahead of you. I know as much as you guys apart from the fact I know what you're going to be having for dinner and what you'll dream about tonight. Nothing that's important to killing the Devil okay? I don't know whether the colt will work or whether you actually kill Lucifer with it. I don't know when you'll meet him, other than Dean's dreams of course because it looks like he loves to be in Dean's mind for some reason. I don't know how to find him or how to make it so none of you get killed before you can get a foot by him. I  _don't know anything,"_ Chuck practically screams, the vein popping in his forehead.

"Okay we get it Chuck, you don't know anything," Sam nods, eyes wide, like he's worried that Chuck is going to throw himself off the building.

But then what Chuck has just said hits Dean, "Are you- Are you saying that Lucifer is going to be in my dreams again?"

Chuck sighs, "Yeah, he's in your dreams again tonight. Looks like he's going to jump in your head any chance he gets."

"Fucking great," Dean mutters, gulping the last of his beer because things couldn't get any fucking worse.

"You just have to make yourself wake up, you know _, Inception_  style and you should be fine," Chuck states and Dean really doesn't like the 'should' in that sentence.

"Should?" Dean asks because he does  _not_ want to be stuck in his own head with Lucifer, he'll stop sleeping if he has to.

"You'll be fine Dean, the dreams I've saw of him being in there with you, you've made yourself wake up seconds after you've saw him, looks like watching  _Inception_  paid off."

"Yeah but that means I won't get any sleep, like at all," Dean pulls a face.

"You'll get  _some_ sleep; he only tends to get in your mind after you've had a couple of hours sleep. I don't know whether that's because it takes him that long to figure your defences are down or that you're, you know, asleep but you'll get some sleep," Chuck shrugs.

"Well, I guess a couple of hours is better than none," Dean says slowly because he's used to only sleeping a few hours a night anyway, he's lived like that for how many years so as long as he gets his four hours he'll be fine.

"So on defeating Lucifer, you don't know anything?" Castiel asks, turning back to Chuck.

"No, sorry, but you guys will be the first to know if I do."

"So now what do we do?" Sam questions.

"We have to come up with a plan on finding Lucifer for one because we still have no idea where he fucking is, then we have to think of a way to get to him without being blown up into pieces. Oh and we have to hope that the colt does actually work on him because we don't even know that much do we? It doesn't exactly look good does it?" Dean says with a frown.

"Couldn't we, I don't know, summon him?" Sam asks Castiel.

"No," Castiel says, "With the sigils on your chest he would be unable to hear any of your prayers and summoning him would be a terrible idea. And even if I were the one to summon him, he would know that I would only be summoning him to kill him and that you would most likely be with me and he would just arrive and kill us before we had the chance to do so."

"So we've got to try and hunt him down and just hope for the best?" Sam raises his eyebrows and yeah, Sam is feeling as shitty about this plan as Dean.

"Yes."

"Huh," Sam huffs out, looking dubious, "So how exactly do you locate the Devil?"

Castiel sighs, "With difficulty. He is ultimately an archangel and has all the powers they have-"

"I don't get that though, he's fallen and he still has his powers but you're losing yours? I mean, the Devil kinda did way worse things than you Cas," Dean frowns because God or Heaven or whoever the fuck makes these decisions is seriously a dick if he's putting Castiel lower on the list than the fucking Devil.

"Lucifer is an archangel; archangels who fall still have their powers. I'm just an angel, a mindless warrior that is easily replaced and very easily stripped of their abilities and grace," Castiel says bitterly.

"Oh," Dean breathes out because that isn't the answer he had been expecting. He hadn't realised that Cas thought of himself that way and Dean doesn't want him to think like that, doesn't want him to have the same self-loathing that Dean does because he knows how shit that is and Cas doesn't deserve that, he hasn't done anything wrong to deserve that kind of hatred on himself. And Dean doesn't care that Cas had told him that he doesn't blame him for what happened with the apocalypse, with him falling, it's still Dean's fault that Cas feels like this dammit. And if Cas had any fucking common sense he'd run away from Dean before he gets even more tainted.

"Cas, you know we don't think that of you right?" Sam says slowly.

Castiel tits his head, "Yes, I know that."

"So with Lucifer, we've just got to hope that one day we'll get lucky and find him?" Sam changes the subject back, probably as uncomfortable of the knowledge that the angel looks down on himself as Dean is.

"We should follow any leads that there is and continue hunting for him until we find him. I'm sure there are more demons around now that know where is he is. I doubt that upon questioning they would tell us anything but we should still question them if we have the chance."

Sam nods, "I'll call Bobby when we get back, tell him to look out for any Lucifer signs."

"That would be wise," Castiel agrees.

"So that's all of it right? Our plan?" Sam asks.

"Yes, I suppose it is," Castiel says.

"Doesn't sound like much of a plan to me," Dean says gruffly, thinking there must be something else surely.

"Dean, it's better than nothing. We have the colt remember?" Sam pats Dean's shoulder.

Dean sighs, "Are we done here?"

"Yes," Castiel replies.

"Good, take us back," Dean orders.

Cas takes them back, Dean going straight back to his bag, not looking at Cas because now they've sorted their stupid plan for Lucifer, Cas can go now and they won't have to fake all this pretence of everything being okay.

"What are you still doing here Cas?"

"What?" Castiel asks and there's a hint of hurt in his voice but Dean doesn't care because it's easier this way. He wants Cas to hate him because then he won't be around as much and Dean won't have to deal with seeing him all the time when he clearly doesn't want to be with Dean. Making Cas hate him will just make everything easier for them, make it so Cas doesn't feel like he has to be with them all the time, make it so Dean pushes him away before Cas can because that way it'll hurt less.

"Well, don't you have God to find?"

"Uh- yes," Castiel exhales, leaving hurriedly.

"What was that?" Sam asks.

"What was what?" Dean replies, pulling out some of his guns, thinking now is as good as a time to sort through them and clean them.

"Why are you being such a dick to Cas? I thought that you'd sorted everything out," Sam says slowly, folding his arms.

"We have," Dean retorts, "And I'm not being a dick to Cas."

"Okay, I'll change the question, why are you being such a dick to  _everyone_?"

Dean turns to meet Sam's pissy face and growls, "I'm not being a dick to everyone."

Sam's face softens, "Is it because of what happened with Lucifer last night?"

"Shut up Sam," Dean mutters, turning his back to his little brother because he doesn't want to talk about this, about anything that happened last night.

"Okay," Sam says before saying hesitatingly, "Talk to me if you need to okay?"

"I'm going to go out and get some food," Dean replies as he shoves past Sam, hovering at the door for a moment, "Want me to get you anything?"

Sam deflates because he probably knows that he's not going to get anywhere with Dean, knows Dean all too well to know when to let him stew, "No, you're okay."

"See you later then," Dean smiles tiredly, grabbing the car keys and leaving Sam, ready to drive until his mind gets back into order but he knows that no matter how many miles he drives, he's not going to be okay, that it's not going to change what happened. Everything has turned to shit and it's all Dean's fault.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for brief scene of torture

" _Hello Dean, we meet yet again," Lucifer smiles widely but Dean can see how pissed off he is, how much he would like to rip Dean's face off and Dean knows why. He knows that he's getting increasingly annoyed that Dean is easily getting out of their little dream meet ups._

" _Fuck off," Dean growls and goes to shut his eyes to focus on throwing himself off a tall building when Lucifer just disappears. Dean blinks, wondering if this is just another game, another way to fuck with Dean's mind. Either way, Dean is not going to stick around to find out so he shuts his eyes and focuses._

_Someone's fingers grip around his biceps, nails digging in painfully but that isn't what makes Dean snap his eyes open; it's the horrific, broken voice, "Dean."_

" _Cas?" Dean jolts, opening his eyes, his heart going cold when he sees the mess of Cas. His face is a bloody mess, eyes bleeding and nose broken in more than one way, bent out of shape, his mouth swollen and cut. His clothes are torn to shreds, blood seeping out from everywhere, like his whole body is cut, no part of him the way it should be._

" _Cas!" Dean yells because this can't be happening, Cas can't be hurt like this, he can't, not because of Dean, please not because of Dean. Castiel's eyes are unfocused as he sways on his feet. Without a thought, Dean grabs him, placing a tentative arm around his waist, the other curling around his jaw to make the angel look at him._

" _Hey Cas, you're okay, you're going to be okay, I'll get us out of here," Dean murmurs, trying not to sound frantic because he can't let Cas know how hurt he is, he has to be strong for both of them._

" _I can't- I can't-" Castiel looks at him, heavy tears falling from his eyes that, to Dean's horror, are blood rather than water, "I can't heal Dean, I'm going to die."_

" _No," Dean growls, shaking his head, "You are not going to die on me man, don't you fucking dare."_

_Castiel whimpers, his forehead resting against Dean's shoulder. Dean tightens his hold before slowly bringing them both to the floor, Castiel collapsing onto him._

" _Hey, hey, you stay with me you son of a bitch, you hear?" Dean snaps, ignoring how his voice is cracking, "I've just got to get us out of my mind and then we'll patch you up and you'll be fucking fine."_

_Castiel doesn't even reply, his body sinking further into Dean, his eyes rolling back and fuck, Dean's not going to let this happen, he's not going to lose Cas, not fucking again._

_He's not aware that he's crying until the water drops onto Cas' face, mixing with the blood and Castiel doesn't even flinch, doesn't move or open his eyes. Nothing._

" _Cas!" Dean screams, shaking him roughly in his arms and at first there's nothing, just Dean screaming Cas' name over and over, Castiel letting himself be shaken like a ragdoll but then there's a small, low whine and Cas' eyes open into slits._

" _Cas?" Dean sobs, watches as Cas opens his eyes further, blue eyes hardly recognisable, blood covering the pupils but he doesn't care because they can fix this, Dean can fix him, can get them out of here and fix Cas, "its okay Cas, I've got you."_

" _This is your fault," Castiel growls, his voice low, threatening._

" _What?" Dean asks slowly, loosening his hold of Castiel slightly in surprise._

_Castiel grabs at Dean’s t-shirt weakly, pulling him close so their foreheads are pressed together, snarls, "This is your fault. All of this is your fault and I fucking hate you for it."_

" _C-Cas?" Dean stammers._

" _I hate you Dean," Castiel keeps a hold of his shirt for a moment like he's using the last of his strength to tell Dean this and then his eyes are rolling back into his head again, a small choked cry gurgling from the back of his throat, blood dribbling out of his mouth and eyes._

" _No no no, Cas!" Dean whispers. He shakes him again but this time nothing happens, Cas staying limp in his arms and no, he can't do this. He can’t lose Cas, he can't have Cas' last words be that, he can't live with knowing that Cas died because of him, that Cas knew that and hated him. He can't do any of this._

_Dean lets out a wrecked sob, his whole body shivering as he pulls Cas up to his chest, rocking them together, not even caring to get out of his mind now. He doesn't care if he's stuck in his fucking mind forever, doesn't care what else Lucifer does to him because he's killed Cas and it's all fucking over anyway._

_Dean stills when he hears a low throaty laugh coming from the body he's holding because it can't be._

_No it can't._

_The body in his arms changes and Dean pulls away numbly as the body that was Castiel's turns into Lucifer._

_Lucifer pulls himself away from Dean's grip and stands up, dusting off his shirt before tilting his head, his eyebrows furrowing as if he actually gives a fucking damn, "Did I forgot to tell you that I can make myself look like other people while in your dream?"_

" _You-" Dean starts, unsure of where he's going with it, unsure of how to even fucking_ **feel** _because it had been a trick, Cas is still alive He's still_ **alive** _but his body doesn't seem to realise it, wet, heavy tears still cascading down his cheeks, his whole body shaking as he looks up at Lucifer._

" _Sorry, I must have forgotten to tell you," Lucifer shrugs like it's no big fucking deal and Dean wants to tear him to shreds, wants to rip him limb from limb, wants to make him scream for mercy, wants him to scream for Dean to kill him because it would hurt less._

_Lucifer tilts his head to the side, "I didn't realise you cared about Castiel that much, I was just using him as a starter and then I was going to get to the good stuff. You know, Sammy, Bobby, your father,” he lifts his eyebrows teasingly, “Your mother. But turns out, all I needed to do was pretend to be a dying Cas that hated you. I'll remember that for next time."_

_Dean lets out a low growl, his hands turning to fists but he can't even fucking stand up, let alone fight him._

" _So here's the deal," Lucifer explains, "You back off, stop trying to kill me and I'll leave you alone, let you go off on your sad, pathetic, little way._ **Or** _you carry on and I find you and kill you. And while I'm waiting to find you, I'll be in your fucking head every night and you'll be wishing I had killed you because I will make you go insane. Now what do you say?"_

" _Fuck you," Dean utters, well aware that he's still trembling, still crying._

_Lucifer sighs, "Very well, we'll have to go the hard way about this then."_

_Lucifer vanishes again, Hell taking over his dream, all around him, the stench, the screams. He watches for a moment as his past self, as_   **he**   _, carves into a woman, slices off the skin on her face, doing it methodically so she keeps her eyes and has to watch what Dean is doing to her. Crying out, Dean scrambles backwards until his back is against the corner. He buries his head in his knees, slams his eyes shut and clamps his hands over his ears, the screams still making their way into his skull, vibrating through him as his past self makes another slice._

_Warms hands are placed on his shoulders but Dean doesn't make any movement, flinching away from the touch and just continues to rock because he's not playing Lucifer's game, he isn't going to join in with what's next on the list._

_"Dean, it's me, Castiel," Castiel murmurs, close to his ears and Dean shudders because he can't go through this again, can't watch Castiel die in another way, can't hear Cas saying he hates him again. He shudders at the thought, of how Cas had looked, drenched in blood, and he doesn't even want to imagine what Lucifer has made him look like now._

_"Dean, this is just a dream, you just have to wake up."_

_Dean clamps his hands over his ears tighter, feeling Castiel or Lucifer or whatever you want to call it try and move his hands away but Dean tightens the grip, stopping them from making him listen. 'Castiel' speaks to him more but Dean pushes the words away from himself and ignores it when he feels someone's forehead press against his because he knows it's just another trick. He tries to focus, tries to get himself from the dream, move himself like he had the last few times but his mind is still muddled, still broken from seeing Cas like that, even if it hadn't been Cas. It doesn't help him to focus when he can still hear people screaming from where he'd tortured them in Hell, when he can still hear 'Castiel' talking to him, not hearing what he's saying but his presence is still there and he doesn't know what Lucifer is going to do next, how he's going to make Dean go further into his dream._

_After a while, the presence of 'Castiel' is gone, no-one holding onto him and Dean realises that Lucifer has probably realised his plan isn't working, that he's not getting through to him by pretending to be Cas. At least now he can try and get out of here, can try and blot out the screams and focus on moving from Hell, make him go to that damn mountain, make him go_ **anywhere**   _that isn't here._

_It's at this point that Dean feels someone tugging at him, not his body, but more like his mind, calling out to him, grabbing at him, pulling him to the surface. At first Dean fights back, unsure as to whether it's Lucifer doing something to him but it soon becomes too difficult to fight and there's something about it that doesn't feel bad, that it's a good thing that he's being pulled._

Dean gasps, sits up and takes in his surroundings, his eyes focusing on the motel room around him, hearing Sam call out to him in the distance. Dean doesn't reply. Instead, he tries to get himself to calm down, to realise that he's okay, that he's back in the motel room, that Lucifer can't hurt him anymore. He tries to push everything down that had happened in the dream, forcing the vomit back down his throat as his heart thumps against his chest making him feel like he can't catch his breath.

"Cas, are you okay?" Sam shouts and it's that that pulls Dean back, makes him focus on the room around him, makes him realise that he really is free. He turns swiftly and watches Sam drag an unsteady Castiel to a chair who slumps down onto it, his eyes unfocussed.

It  _had_  been Cas in his dream, Dean realises. The second Cas hadn't been Lucifer, it had really been  _his_ Cas, had been trying to get him out, to help him and Dean had fought against him.

Castiel's gaze locks onto Sam's face, though his eyes are still hazy, "Yes, I'm- I'm fine."

"What did you do?" Dean demands, okay enough to stand, worry for Cas overpowering the rest of the shit as he makes his way to Sam and a very tired looking Cas.

"I couldn't- I couldn't get through to you in there and the only way to get you out was to force you into consciousness. I wasn't sure I would be able to do it but I managed to," Castiel explains and to Dean's horror he actually  _smiles,_ like it's a great thing that Cas had fucking done something that had made him look like this. Something that makes him unable to stand up, to keep his fucking head help up steady.

"You shouldn't have done that Cas, I could have fucking handled it," Dean barks because Cas shouldn't have done it, shouldn't have made himself like this just to get Dean out of his own stupid fucking mind.

"You didn't look like you were handling it Dean, far from it. I couldn't just leave you trapped in your own mind with  _Lucifer_ ," Castiel protests, his eyes narrowing.

"I would have gotten out eventually. You know why I didn't reply to you when you were in there? I was fucking focusing on changing what the dream was so I could get out.  _You_ being there was putting me off, trying to talk to me and all that shit. If you hadn't have got into my head I would have been out a whole lot quicker," Dean lies, crossing his arms because he doesn't care that he's lying to Cas because Cas needs to hear this, needs to realise that he shouldn't be fucking doing these things for Dean. Not when Dean doesn't deserve it.

Castiel's face falls, his eyes lowering, shoulders drooping ever further and he suddenly looks so small, even in all those layers and Dean just wants to shake him then hug him but he can't because Cas doesn't want it and Dean's too pissed at him anyway.

Sam turns to meet him, looking more pissed than ever, "He was helping Dean!"

"Well I didn't fucking need it okay? Why was he here anyway, did you call him?" Dean shouts, well aware that he's nearly screaming now.

"Yes I called him because  _you_  called out for him in your sleep, that's the only way I knew that you were stuck in your dream with Lucifer," Sam glares at Dean and Dean falters for a moment, realising that he  _had_  been calling for Cas but only because he thought he had been hurt, had been dying. And it's all back in his head again and Dean just wants to scream, wants to punch Cas in the face and make him realise that he should run away, should get away from Dean as quick as possible because he breaks things, because Lucifer knows that he's Dean's weakness and he can't have Cas dying because of him, can't have his last words be that he hates Dean, that he blames him.

"Well I didn't fucking mean to call out for him and you should have left me in there Cas, I would have fucking sorted it but this is what you do isn't it? You put your fucking wings where they don't need to be but I don't fucking need it okay; I don't need you thinking you need to save me all the fucking time. I handled myself without you and I can damn do it now," Dean growls, wanting Castiel to just fucking see, for him to hate Dean already and fuck off before he gets hurt because Dean is more than prepared for Cas to hate him if it means he'll go away and be safe.

"Dean, how about being grateful for a second.  _Look_  at him Dean," Sam shouts; looking very much like he wants to punch Dean and Dean doesn't blame him. He very much wants to punch himself too.

"Yeah, exactly, I don't need him to be nearly fucking killing himself to help me okay?" Dean screams, gesturing at the still worn out looking Cas, his voice breaking slightly but he carries on, "Especially when I don't need the fucking help! Cas would be a whole lot better if he just fucked back off to Heaven with his shitty brothers and sisters."

"So this is what this is about?" Sam asks, voice softening and no, Dean can't have this conversation, can't talk to his brother that knows him too well, can't talk to him about his dream, about everything that is happening between him and Cas. About how he'd kissed him and Cas had rejected him, how five minutes ago he'd watched Cas die in his dream, how he can't fucking handle having Cas around when he doesn't love him back, when he's probably going to die because of Dean.

"I'm going out," Dean grunts, taking his eyes away from Sam. He doesn't even look at Castiel because he can't see him looking so fucking fragile anymore, not after his dream. He pulls on yesterday's jeans, grabs a jacket. Ignoring the two pairs of eyes on him, he grabs his car keys and storms out of the motel, slamming the door behind him. He gets into his beloved car and drives until his eyes are too blurry to carry on, until he's shaking too much to even fucking hold the steering wheel.

He pulls at the side of an empty road, gets out of the car and pulls an iron bar from the boot. First, he smashes it against the floor, then against the tree, against the road sign until he can't even hold himself up any longer and he falls to the ground, bashing his fist against the tarmac, hearing the flesh breaking as low, wrecked sobs escape his throat.


	10. Chapter 10

"Oh, so you've finally decided to come back after your stupid little-" Sam trails off when he looks at Dean and Dean can guess why, that he looks enough like shit that would make Sam stop from yelling at him. Seems like Dean didn't do a very good job of hiding the fact that he'd pummelled his fists into concrete and had sobbed for a good hour.

"Shit, Dean," Sam murmurs, hurriedly running towards him, guiding him to sit down on the bed.

"Sam, leave it, I'm fine," Dean growls, feebly pushing Sam away which only makes Sam suck in a breath when he sees Dean's hands, pulling them up to his eyes to look at them properly.

"What did you do?" Sam whispers, looking up to him, eyes wide.

Dean sighs, "I didn't go punch someone to death if that's what you're asking."

Sam eyes him for a moment before dropping his hands and getting up, going to their med-kit, making Dean sigh once more because he doesn't want this. He wants Sam to yell at him, to tell him that he's being a dick and that he should feel fucking bad. He doesn't want this, want Sam to look at him like that, to look after him.

"Just leave it Sam, I said I'm fine," Dean protests, tries to stand up but Sam just pushes him back onto the bed, grabs his hand and starts to wipe away the blood, Dean not even wincing because he's had way worse shit than this and his hands are pretty much numb anyway.

"You're not fine Dean," Sam murmurs, slowly wrapping bandages on both hands.

"Yes I am," Dean grits out, well aware that Sam  _knows_ him, knows when he's lying and he is most definitely going to see through that.

Sam looks up at him squarely, "No, you're not."

Dean just huffs out a sigh, too tired to pretend anymore because what's the point?

"I-" Sam speaks after a moment of silence, hesitates, "I know that you're seeing Hell, that Lucifer is making you see that."

"Who told you that?" Dean snaps his head to meet Sam's, hating the pity there because when had it been okay for Sam to pity him? When had it happened that Sam, his little brother, had to watch over him instead of the other way around? Had to look after him?

"Cas did," Sam says, finishing off the bandages but not moving from his kneeling position in front of Dean, "Look, I know that I can't imagine, can't know what it feels like to have stuff like that used against you but you need to talk about it Dean. You can't keep bottling it up and then going out and getting smashed or ripping your skin to shreds when it all gets too much."

"You know what," Dean stands up, moving away from Sam, feeling the anger bubbling away inside him again, making him struggle to breathe, "You're right, you don't know, you'll never know so stop trying to. You're never going to get it Sam,  _never,_ so just stop."

"No," Sam shakes his head, his own voice rising, "No, I'm not going to stop because you need to let me help you Dean. You need to talk about this! I'm sick of you doing this, it's like when you came back from Hell all over again, hiding it away, pretending everything is okay. You are seeing Hell again and-"

"You think that I don't see Hell every time I sleep anyway?" Dean says flatly, "You think I need Lucifer in my head to make me dream about Hell?"

Sam falters for a moment, staring at Dean before he asks quietly, "If it's not about seeing Hell, then what is it?"

"Nothing," Dean shuts his eyes and exhales slowly before looking back at Sam, "Nothing’s wrong."

"Yes there is," Sam argues, stepping up to Dean and Dean can see that he's not going to let this go, isn't going to back down until Dean tells him but Dean's not going to tell him. He can't say those words out loud and he needs to get out of here, needs to go smash his fists again because this is all too much and he can't fucking do this.

"I'm going out," Dean mutters, trying to get around Sam but Sam grips his forearms painfully, stopping him from moving anywhere, "Move out of the way Sam."

"No," Sam says, his fingernails digging into Dean's skin, "Not until you tell me what's going on with you."

"There's nothing going on with me!" Dean yells, trying to get out of Sam's grip but Sam's strong and can be even stronger when he wants to, when he puts his mind to something.

"If there's nothing wrong then why do you keep doing this? Why do you keep getting plastered? Why do you come back with your fists bloody?" Sam asks, shaking him slightly, "Why do you keep yelling? And not even at me, at Cas. Why do you keep yelling at him Dean?"

"Stop it Sam."

"No," Sam shakes his head, "You know, Cas has done everything for us, for  _you._ He rebelled against Heaven for us Dean, has nearly died God knows how many times for us, has actually died for us once and you treat him like shit. You know what he said to me before he left tonight? He told me that we only ever call him when we need something and he's right, we only ever call him so we can order him around and how is that any better than what his family did to him? And on top of that, you yell at him, after he fucking  _helped_ you, you yelled at him and basically told him to fuck off and that's not okay Dean, that's not fucking okay at all."

"Don't you dare try and make me feel bad Sam," Dean warns, well aware that he's screaming but past caring, "Don't you fucking think that I know all that? Know what he did for us? What he did for  _me?_ Don't you think that I fucking know that?"

"If you know all that then why are you treating him like absolute shit?" Sam yells, "After everything, you treat him like he's one of his dick brothers and not the guy that does every fucking thing for _you_."

Dean shoves Sam, grabbing him by his shirt, Sam's eyes widening, "Don't act like you fucking know everything about me and Cas, don't you fucking do that!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Sam yells back, shoving Dean roughly, the back of Dean's legs hitting against the bed behind him.

"I kissed him alright!" Dean screams, eyes widening when he realises what he's just said, all air leaving his lungs and his gaze drops to the floor, anywhere but Sam's face as he tries to catch his breath.

"You-You did what?" Sam asks, sounding just as shocked as Dean feels as to what he'd just said, at what he's just admitted to.

Dean shuts his eyes, feeling his body deflating so he falls back on to the bed behind him, buries his face in his hands and says dejectedly, "I kissed him."

"Oh," Sam says, not saying anything for a moment, the silence between them suffocating Dean and he just wants Sam to say something, to tell him how much he's been a dick, how much of a disgrace he is for kissing an angel, for kissing his best friend but Sam just stands there. Dean feels his gaze on him but he doesn't take his face away from his hands because he can't bear to see what Sam's face is like, for what he's going to see on his little brother's face.

After what feels like hours of silence, Sam finally murmurs, "So that's why you've been acting like this? Why you've been treating Cas like that?"

"Yeah," Dean says, not really trusting himself to say anything else without sobbing like a little girl.

"Dean," Sam says and Dean's not surprised to hear the tones of anger in there, "Just because you're having some kind of gay freak-out does _not_  mean you get to treat Cas like shit."

Okay, so that part surprises him. Dean looks up at Sam, his arms crossed, a mixture between being pissed off and still brotherly concern etched on his face. Dean hadn't thought that look could actually happen but apparently his little brother can pull it off just fine, the look between wanting to punch someone and hug them at the same time written on his face and yeah, Dean has felt that for Sam and Cas plenty of times.

"You think I've been acting like this because I kissed Cas and now I'm having a big gay freak-out?" Dean asks slowly, narrowing his eyes because is his brother really that stupid? And just saying that sentence out loud makes Dean want to forget about all the stupid shit that's going on and laugh because his brother thinks he's having a gay freak-out and just wow.

"Well, what else could it be?" Sam asks, "You and Cas kissed and now-"

"No," Dean interjects, " _We_ didn't kiss,  _I_ kissed him."

Sam stares, frowns harder, "What?"

" _I_ kissed him, not  _we,” Dean_ corrects, his shoulders slumping because even thinking back to it now makes him want to shoot himself in the head at how stupid he'd been.

"Wait," Sam says slowly, "You're saying that Cas didn't kiss you back?"

"Of course he didn't!" Dean laughs coldly.

"But that doesn't make any sense," Sam states, sitting next to Dean on the bed.

"How does that not make sense?" Dean asks, feeling anger bubble up to the surface again but still, anger is better than the crippling feeling of having your love not being requited, anything is better than that. Why had Dean done something so fucking stupid and fallen in love with someone? With his stupid fucking angel best friend to make it even worse.

"Because he loves you," Sam states, a half confused smile on his face.

Dean laughs again, no joy in it whatsoever, "Where the fuck did you get that idea from?"

Sam stares at him for a moment, with what looks like pity or something that Dean can't understand and then his stance turns more business-like, his hands folding in his lap, "Tell me what happened."

"What?" Dean retorts because his little brother has seriously lost it, the demon blood has clearly turned him into an idiot if he believes that Cas not only would kiss him back, but that he  _loves_ Dean.

Still, Sam doesn't seem deterred, "What happened when you kissed him?"

"Sam, do I really have to-" Dean starts to ask, not really wanting to divulge how Cas had turned him down and made Dean look like a complete and utter idiot.

"Yes," Sam replies quickly.

Dean sighs, "It was the first night that Lucifer got into my head, you know when Cas and I had that argument because he'd let you out of the panic room?"

Sam nods in reply, drinking up everything Dean is saying and Dean still doesn't get why Sam is making him do this because once Dean's finished, Sam is going to have to eat his words and say that no, Cas definitely does not love him and then he would probably throw pitying looks at Dean for the rest of his shitty life.

"Well, I went out and got drunk, y'know, like I always do when shit is happening," Dean shrugs, toying with a loose thread on the sleeve of his shirt, "And then I called Cas and he turned up and I said some drunken shit to him, I can't remember much of it, just that I said sorry for being a dick and Cas was being all nice and I couldn't help myself okay? I was drunk and he was there, with his stupid blue eyes right next to my face, so I just- I just kissed him."

After a moment of silence, Sam asks, "So then what happened?"

Dean sighs again, suddenly feeling very tired, "He didn't kiss me back, obviously, and once I realised what I was doing I stopped myself. You should have- You should have saw the fucking look on his face man, like I'd just said that I was going to prom with Lucifer or something. So I told him to bring me back here and then he left."

Sam looks away from him, contemplation on his face, "Wait, this was the night that you and him argued? So the day before we went to Chuck's and you started acting like a dick?"

"Well, yeah," Dean shifts uncomfortably, "I didn't even think he would come back."

"Dean," Sam lets his hand rest on Dean's shoulder, squeezing slightly, "You're my big brother and I love you but you can be a real fucking idiot, you know that?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Dean mutters, shoving Sam's hand off his shoulder, the exact spot where Cas' hand print is scorched onto him and it just feels wrong for someone else's hand to be there. Even if Cas is never going to touch him there again, it still feels wrong.

"The day after you kissed, he turned up here and he brought you pancakes," Sam says with a smile and Dean feels like he's missing something here though he has no idea what and he still doesn't understand how Sam can be fucking smiling right now when Dean had just told him that he basically loves Cas and Cas doesn't want him back.

"So what if he came back? He only did so we can carry on with finding Lucifer. And he only brought me pancakes because you told him to," Dean counters, crossing his arms defensively.

"No I didn't," Sam shakes his head, standing up and looking down at Dean like he's the biggest idiot of the world and okay, Dean's starting to feel like he  _is_ an idiot, though he's not quite sure why yet, "I didn't tell him to get you anything. He just turned up with pancakes, exactly how you like them, the day after you kissed him."

"But-" Dean murmurs, "But that doesn't mean anything."

"What did he say to you while I was in the shower?" Sam asks, eyes shining.

"He-He asked me if I wanted to talk about it," Dean mutters, looking down, a slow realisation hitting him but he fights against it because he's not getting his hopes up, he knows not to do that because if you do you only lose out anyway.

"And did you?" Sam asked, still with that hopeful look on his face.

"I said there was nothing to talk about because nothing happened and he- Well, he didn't really say anything," Dean says slowly.

"Oh, you stupid fucking idiot," Sam retorts, "That guy is fucking in love with you, probably since he hauled your ass from Hell and then you kissed him out of nowhere while you were drunk and he probably just freaked out because  _you_ were freaking out. And then he turned up the next day with freaking pancakes for you which is probably a weird kind of angel mating call and then he asked to talk about it and then  _you_ shut him down, saying it wasn't anything and oh my god, you are both the biggest idiots on the planet. You're both so freaking stupid you deserve each other."

"You think- You really think that Cas loves me?" Dean asks slowly, his voice small but his voice screaming with possibilities, with him and Cas being together, with Cas smiling at him again as he brings him into a kiss, tugging at his hand everywhere they go, at Sam rolling his eyes but being happy for them and Dean nearly just collapses right there and then because it could actually happen, he could actually get Cas, he could actually have all this.

"Dean, I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life and that's saying something," Sam raises his eyebrows, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I've-I've really been an idiot haven't I?" Dean asks.

"Yep," Sam pats his shoulder, "You really really have."

"So what do I do now?" Dean asks, still feeling the glow of  _Cas fucking loving him._ Oh my God, Cas loves him, wants him back and okay, Dean's torn between jumping up and down and cheering or falling to the floor and crying in happiness and also at his own stupidity because Cas had been fucking right in front of him all this time and he'd been blind to it, had just pushed it all aside because of his own stupid self-hatred.

"You," Sam's lips quirk upwards, "You wait till he comes back after his teenage-like strop and then you kiss the fuck out of him and hope that he's stupid enough to forgive you of your dickiness."

"Yeah, okay," Dean exhales, "You think I should wait till he comes back instead of calling him?"

"Well," Sam grimaces, "he seemed pretty pissed off, I think you should let him stew for a bit. I think if you called him now, he'd probably just punch us both for being dicks without even waiting to hear you profess your undying love for him."

"Shut up Sam," Dean retorts but finding himself smiling all the same because this is actually happening, he actually has a chance with Cas, "I'll- I'll wait until he comes back and then-"

"And then I'll be in the next state over while you fuck out your problems," Sam states, wrinkling his nose.

"Bitch," Dean remarks, shoving Sam playfully.

"Jerk," Sam sings, shoving Dean back.

 


	11. Chapter 11

After four days of waiting for Cas 'to stew' and come back once he's calmed down, Dean's getting impatient and more importantly, worried. He's fed up of waiting, wondering if Cas will even come back willingly on his own anymore now that Dean has been a complete and utter dick to him. Will he even want to come back?

It doesn't help that Dean hasn't been sleeping, well  _at all,_ napping for half an hour every night but setting an alarm so he wakes up before Lucifer can get in his brain. Sam notices, waking up blearily in the night but he doesn't question it. He must be able to tell what Dean's doing but he probably remembers the last time that Dean had woken up and how he'd came back with broken knuckles so each night he just sighs but goes back to bed, ignoring how Dean grabs the headphones and the laptop and watches shitty videos on the internet while Sam sleeps.

For the first two days the lack of sleep doesn't even bother him, Dean's too busy riding out the high that apparently Castiel actually fucking loves him back, pushing away all the guilt and shit about how he's fucked it all up by being horrible to him, just focuses on how he loves Cas and how he loves him back. It's easy to focus on that, let's it warm him, makes him smile even though the world is going to shit.

But after two days, Dean's optimism starts to falter, the lack of sleep making him question himself why Castiel still hasn't come back, doesn't even communicate at all. Two days is all it takes for Dean to start thinking that Sam has got it wrong, that Cas doesn't really love him and fuck, what if he's gotten his hopes up and then it turns out he was right all along and Cas doesn't want him back?

On the fourth day, Dean stops even caring about the whole ‘Castiel may not love him’ and just focuses on the fact that they haven't heard from the angel for four days and what if something has fucking happened to him? What if he's not actually sulking and he's actually been hurt? Or captured? And fuck, he can't wait any longer for Castiel to come to him, he's going to call him and he doesn't care if Castiel just turns up to punch him in the face and then flies off again because he just needs to know that Cas is okay.

Just when he's about to just say screw it and call Cas, his phone rings, Sam's name lighting up the screen.

"Hey," Dean says, ready to tell Sam of his new plan to just call Cas down from wherever the hell he's hiding and just kiss him again and damn the consequences when Sam interrupts him.

"Dean, get here now," Sam says urgently.

"What, why, what's happened?" Dean asks, quickening the speed of his car from the diner to the motel room, swerving around too slow cars because he can hear the urgency in Sam's voice and he knows something's gone wrong and  _oh no, oh no_.

"Just get here Dean," Sam orders.

"Are you okay?" Dean asks, panicked.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just-"

"Wait, is Cas okay?" Dean asks, his heart feeling like it's going to jump out of his throat. There's silence on the phone for a moment and no, that's not a good sign and no, this cannot be happening and he's ready to start screaming down the phone that this is Sam's fault, that if Cas is hurt, it's Sam's fault because he'd told Dean to leave it and if something's happened to Cas, Dean isn't going to come back from this.

"I don't know," Sam admits, which makes Dean panic even more because what the fuck did that mean? "Just get here as quick as possible okay?"

Sam hangs up but it doesn't matter because Dean is pulling into the car park of the motel, just narrowly missing a lamppost. He jumps out of the car as quickly as possible and slams open the motel room to see Sam pacing back and forth, the colt in his hand.

Dean looks around preparing to see a broken angel but it's just him and Sam, no angel in sight.

"What the fuck is going on?" Dean shouts.

"First of all, calm down Dean," Sam grits out, pulling at Dean and forces him to sit on the bed.

"Calm down? You just called me telling me to get here as soon as possible and then you said you didn't know whether Cas is okay so no, I'm not going to fucking calm down," Dean grunts, both of his legs tapping impatiently, waiting for Sam to explain, to tell him that his worries about Cas are pointless because Cas is fine, he  _has_  to be fine.

Sam stares at him and sighs, starting to explain, his voice tight, "I went out to the library to look at some lore about Lucifer and I came back and the safe was broken, more like ripped apart and the colt was gone."

"Wait, what?" Dean frowns, staring at the colt in Sam's hand pointedly, trying to put the pieces together but failing.

"And I was just about to call you when Cas turned up, tossed the colt to me and said that it didn't work and then he just disappeared," Sam frowns, looking down at the colt in his hand, "And then I called you because I still don't really get what just happened."

"You don't-" Dean starts, feeling his hands begin to shake, "You don't think he got into a fight with Lucifer do you?"

Sam's gaze snaps up to meet his, his eyes wide, "I don't know what to think Dean."

Dean stands up, squeezes Sam's forearms forcefully, "Was he hurt? Did he look like he was hurt?!"

Sam shakes his head, "He was only here for a second but I don't think- I didn't see any blood."

"You don't think or you don't know?" Dean demands.

"There wasn't any blood Dean!" Sam shouts, shrugging out of Dean's hold, narrowing his eyes at him, "Jesus Dean,  _calm down._ "

"How can I calm down when Cas may or may not have had a run in with Lucifer and may or may not be dying on some sidewalk somewhere and not coming to us because we've treated him like shit?!" Dean shouts.

Sam sighs, squeezes Dean's shoulder before dropping it, "I'm sure he's fine Dean."

"You don't know that though do you?" Dean grits out.

"No I don't, but you don't know that he's hurt either," Sam counters, "We don't know anything and we can't just assume things. If Cas was hurt I'm sure he would have come to us, however angry he was with us, he would have come to us, I'm sure of it."

"But if he didn't have a run in with Lucifer, then why would he have ripped open the safe to get the colt and then told you it didn't work?" Dean asks quietly, falling back onto the bed tiredly.

"I don't know but I'm sure there's an explanation okay?" Sam says comfortingly, "He'll be fine Dean, he's probably just busy with searching for God and he found out along the way that the colt doesn't work, something like that."

Dean nods, although he doesn't believe Sam and he doesn't even think Sam believes himself either. There's no explanation to this other than Cas fighting against Lucifer and using the colt against him and it not working. But then, if that had happened, shouldn't Cas be dead? Cas is falling and he'd gotten worn out just pulling Dean from a dream, so how the hell could he run into Lucifer, try and shoot the guy and survive? Unless he hadn't survived and he's dying somewhere and  _no,_ Dean is  _not_  going to think like that, can't think like that.

"Hey, where are you going?" Sam asks as Dean starts to leave the motel.

"I'm going to call Cas," Dean murmurs. Sam just nods understandingly and puts the colt under his pillow, not like they have any use of it now anyway. A small part of Dean's brain is trying to tell him to focus on the fact that if the colt doesn't work they're back to square one again and that they have no way of defeating Lucifer but the rest of his brain is just chanting ' _Cas Cas Cas_ ' and shuts it down. He doesn't care about Lucifer at the moment; he'll worry about that once he knows Cas is okay.

He walks to the back of the motel, next to the trash but hey, here there's no one around to watch him as he pours his heart out down the phone and begs his stupid angel to get his ass down here so he can kiss the fuck out of him.

He dials Cas' number, the ringing seeming to go on forever, making Dean's chest tighten because what if Cas can't answer because he's hurt?

"You've reached the voicemail of _'_ _I don't understand why do you want me to say my name?_ '"

Dean sighs, letting his head fall to the brick wall as the message plays out, not knowing what to do or say but he gulps down the nervous vomit and says softly, his voice showing how much of a mess he is right now, "Hey Cas- Look Sam told me about the whole colt thing and- Cas, I'm just worried about you okay so please just pick up the phone and I know I've been a dick and I deserve for you to ignore me but just,  _please,_  answer your damn phone and talk to me, just so I know that you're okay. I need to know that you're okay Cas,  _please._ "

Dean saves the message, stays there for a moment, his eyes shut as every possibility of what could have happened to Cas plays out in his mind, how his dream of Cas dying and hating Dean for it could have actually happened in real life because Dean had let Lucifer know how much Cas means to him and  _fuck._ If Lucifer's targeted Castiel it will all be Dean's fault.

And that's when Dean gets an idea.

He marches back to the motel room, Sam raising his eyebrows expectantly but Dean shakes his head and mutters, "Not answering" before closing the flimsy motel curtains, throwing his jacket off and collapsing onto the bed, shutting his eyes tightly.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Sam asks and Dean can hear the underlying 'have you gone insane because of loving a stupid angel that may or may not be in trouble?'

"I'm going to sleep," Dean mutters.

"Why?" Sam asks dubiously.

"Because," Dean grits out, "Lucifer will jump into my skull."

"How is that-" Sam starts, voice high but then he gets it, "Oh. You're going to let him get into your dream so you can ask him about Cas."

"Yep," Dean nods.

"Dean are you- are you sure? Last time you had to have Cas pull you out and he's- he's not here Dean. What if you get stuck?" Sam asks, voice small and tight with worry.

"It's worth a shot Sam," Dean opens his eyes for a moment, his voice not even masking his worry, "This is all we've got and I- I need to know whether he's alright Sam and if this is the only way then so be it."

Sam swallows but nods all the same, "Okay, just- just be careful alright?"

Dean grins widely, his face stretching falsely, "I'm always careful."

Sam frowns, "No you're not."

"Shut up Sam and be supportive, I'm about to have a meet up with Lucifer in my mind here," Dean grumbles, pulling a face at Sam.

Sam smiles thinly, his voice soft, "You really love him don't you?"

Dean rolls his eyes and shuts them, collapsing back onto the bed, "Now's really not the time for this conversation."

"Yeah, okay," Sam says from the other side of the room, "I'll be here waiting for you to wake up okay?"

"Yeah," Dean says and as an afterthought, just in case something goes wrong and he's stuck in his mind for the rest of his life, "And yeah Sammy, I really love him."

Sam doesn't reply but he doesn't really have to, Dean can practically feel his grin from the other side of the motel room, with his eyes shut no less. Dean wants to tell him to shut up even though he's not even saying anything but he doesn't. He focuses on the task at hand instead because he needs to fall asleep so he can get to Lucifer and see whether his stupid fucking angel has gotten himself hurt.

It doesn't take long for his mind start to drift, having only about two hours sleep in four days kind of takes it out of you and soon his breathing is slowing and he's floating into sleep.

* * *

 

"It didn't work," Dean says as soon as he wakes up, sitting up to see Sam perched on his own bed, staring at Dean which makes Dean feel weird because his little brother has probably been there all night watching him sleep and okay, awkward alert. But no, they have way bigger problems than that right now.

"What do you mean it didn't work?" Sam questions, standing up for no reason whatsoever, probably to give him something to do so he feels a little bit productive.

"He never turned up," Dean says, narrowing his eyes because this all feels wrong. The last time he'd saw Lucifer he'd basically made a promise to Dean that he was going to kill Dean or make him go crazy by invading his dreams constantly and there he'd been, asleep for what felt like half a freaking day and he hadn't heard a peep from him. Combine that with the whole Castiel thing, Dean can feel his stomach churn with uneasiness.

"But that makes no sense," Sam pinches the bridge of his nose as he starts to pace again.

"Did you hear from Cas while I was asleep?" Dean asks, trying not to be hopeful, knowing that it's a long shot.

Sam frowns, "No, but I left it him some messages, texts and voicemails but I don't actually know whether he knows how to answer his voicemails you know."

"Do you think that Cas fought with Lucifer, thought the colt hadn't worked but it actually had?" Dean asks slowly, trying to think of some possible way that all of this would make sense.

Sam seems to consider it for a moment before saying, "No, just as you went to sleep I checked the news, there's been another earthquake, France this time, right at the time that Castiel turned up here with the colt."

"Then I don't understand what the fuck is going on here!" Dean growls.

"Me either," Sam admits, "None of this makes sense."

"If the stupid son of a bitch would just answer his fucking phone and  _tell us,_ at least tell us that he's fucking okay," Dean mutters.

"Hey Dean, look at me," Sam coaxes, waiting for Dean to look up at him before adding, "Cas is going to be fine okay?"

Dean nods, feeling tired even though he's just had one of the longest night’s sleep he's had for a very long time, "I'm going to back to sleep, try again."

"Yeah, okay, it's worth a shot," Sam smiles tiredly, "I'll call him again while you sleep."

"Yeah, okay," Dean says, shoulders slumping, feeling all but useless. He thinks about how desperate he is, so desperate that he actually  _wants_ Lucifer rattling around in his head.

* * *

 

It's been four days and Dean is starting to go insane. They get no messages from Cas, nothing to even say that he's okay, nothing at all. Dean practically spends all four days trying to sleep, willing for Lucifer to just fucking turn up but he never does. There's silence all around and Dean is honest to God losing it. Sam can see it too. He keeps trying to comfort him that they'll get a message from him soon, they just have to be patient, that Cas is okay, that he's probably just busy and he's got his phone on silent or something and he's not hearing their calls. Dean just nods even though it's going in one ear and out the other because he keeps just picturing how Cas had looked in his dream when he'd died, picturing him dead somewhere, all alone.

It's been four days and Dean has stopped caring to even bother to pretend that he's okay. He barely eats, just quick snacks before shutting his eyes and willing himself to sleep again in the hopes that this time Lucifer will be there waiting for him.

He sends another voicemail to Cas when Sam's out of the room and he's pretty sure that he sounds like a pleading girlfriend on it, apologising through the phone but then shouting at him for being a dick and that he needs to fucking get here right now or Dean is going to do something fucking stupid, ending the call by pleading again, saying that he'll fucking do anything if Cas just turns up next to him,  _alive._

Sam tries to get him out of the house, asks him to pick up groceries or do the laundry and he mainly just refuses, saying that he needs to keep trying to get Lucifer, that he needs to keep doing this just in case it works the next time because it's the only way that Dean feels like he's actually doing something productive.

However, after lying down for two hours after he'd already slept for eight, he figures he's not going to get any more sleep. Grumpily, he takes the bag of dirty clothes and leaves a worried looking Sam to go find the nearest laundry place.

He tries to remember how easy it had been when he hadn't realised that he loves the stupid fucking angel, how he hadn't worried as much but then again, they also didn't have the apocalypse at the time too so he can't exactly blame the whole falling in love thing. But he can blame Cas for not coming to him. He swears that when-  _when_  not _if_ \- Cas comes back, he's going to get a thump off Dean for being a fucking idiot and worrying him and Sam like this, but most of all for worrying Dean like this.

He doesn't even contemplate the idea that Cas really is dead, doesn't even let that be a real prospect in his mind because he can't handle the idea, can't handle that the last words he'd said to him had been angry words, angry words out of fear, telling Cas he should leave them alone.

No, he's not even thinking about that.

While he's stuffing clothes into the washing machine, he gets a phone call, Dean quickly pulling his phone out on the rare chance that it's Castiel,  _please let it be Castiel._

His heart sinks when he sees Sam's name but he answers it all the same, "Sam?"

"Dean!" Sam says, his voice pitched higher than normal.

"What? What's happened now?" Dean asks, his shoulders sinking already at the thought of yet more bad news.

"I texted Cas again, pretended that we really were in the shit and that we needed his help. I figured that before then we'd only asked him whether he's okay and that maybe if I pretended we were in danger he might actually show up. It was a spur of the moment thing and I didn't think it would actually work but-" Sam babbles, his words all mixing together.

"Wait, are you saying he showed?" Dean shouts down the phone, hope bubbling at the surface, ignoring the weird looks he gets from the other customers.

"Yeah," Sam says, "He showed up."

"Is he still there?" Dean asks, grabbing the clothes back from the washing machine, stuffing them back in the bag because he needs to see Cas, needs to see that he's okay with his own two eyes.

"No, he left," Sam falters, "I don't- I don't know what's wrong with him Dean."

Dean feels his heart drop, his mouth going dry as he leaves the laundromat, "What do you mean wrong with him?"

"He wasn't-" Sam seems to consider the right words, "He wasn't acting like he normally does. I mean he was okay, not a scratch on him but he was just acting weird Dean, like a ghost of himself you know? He told me that he'd found out about the colt, how it didn't work, by someone he knows, someone of 'good authority' and then when I asked him if he was okay he just left. And- Dean, he looks like a mess, like he hasn't slept in days and I know angels don't need to but he- there's something wrong with him Dean and I don't know what and- What do we do Dean?"

Dean gulps. He doesn't even know what to fucking say because Cas is  _alive,_ he's okay, but he's not okay at the same time and why couldn't he have turned up when Dean had been there so he could have seen him, could have made it okay? But how can he make it okay? How can he fix this when he doesn't even know what needs to be fixed?

What the hell is he supposed to do?


	12. Chapter 12

As soon as Dean opens the door to the motel room, he knows that Cas has been there. He doesn't know whether it's because he now has some kind of Cas alert in his brain that tells him when he's near or the way that Sam is standing up, his mouth open in mid-conversation. Either way, he knows Cas has been there,  _just_ been there too and he's disappeared before Dean could see him,  _again._

"Cas was here?" Dean asks, throwing the car keys onto the bed.

Sam sighs, looking defeated, "Just, yeah."

"Well, is he okay?" Dean demands after a moment of silence where Sam is just looking at him pityingly for some reason.

Sam shrugs, "He came to apologise for the way he's been ignoring us and stuff."

"Yeah, well he should apologise for that, the dick," Dean says stonily, sitting on the bed, arms crossed. As much as he loves the dude, he also wants to kick him in the nuts and he's not quite sure if that's how everyone feels when they're in love or it's just Dean and Cas' way but either way, it doesn't matter.

"Yeah," Sam trails off, looking like he needs to tell Dean something but doesn't know how to say it which is not a good sign  _at all._

"Why did he disappear when I came back?" Dean asks quietly, unsure if he wants to know the answer but he can definitely put two and two together here and make a shitty four.

"Dean," Sam says and the pitying look is back.

"Why Sam?" Dean demands.

Sam sighs again, "I told him to talk to you, to let you explain why you've been such a dick but he- he said he didn't want to see you Dean, I'm sorry."

Dean gulps, feeling like he's swallowing glass, "You think- The way he's been acting, it's not because of the whole colt thing, but because of the way I've been treating him?" Sam grimaces and that's all that Dean needs to see, "You do, huh?"

"Look Dean," Sam says slowly, "I think he's an angel, an angel who's only just getting used to having human emotions and he probably doesn't know what to do with them."

"So you're saying he's like an overgrown teenager?" Dean asks stonily.

"Kind of," Sam shrugs, "He's not used to being around humans remember and he's definitely not used to having all these human emotions coursing through him. I guess it’s like; every emotion he feels is like ten times how we feel it because he doesn't understand what to do with it. So him being annoyed with you  _and_ being in love with you when he probably thinks you don't love him back is more than likely ridiculously confusing for him and he probably doesn't know how to deal with it, you know?"

"I guess," Dean murmurs, burying his face in his hands, "But it's been how long Sam and he won't even talk to me. How can I fix this if he won't even be in the same room as me?"

Sam squeezes his shoulder, "We'll figure something out okay?"

"Hmm," Dean hums, not really believing himself because it's been nearly two weeks and he's starting to think he's never going to fix his stupid mess. Worst of all, he’s starting to think that he doesn't deserve to, that he doesn't even deserve to see Cas anymore, that he's better off hating Dean and staying away from him.

"Hey, Cas kinda seems like the guy- well, angel,” Sam corrects himself, “who gets pissed off with you, makes you feel like utter shit for it and then one day just forgives you and forgets about it," Sam shrugs, smirking, "He's kinda like a Winchester in that respect."

Dean raises his eyebrows, smiling faintly, "Is this your way of saying you want Cas to be your new big brother because dude, he's not even talking to me, I don't think we're getting married any time soon."

Sam rolls his eyes and shoves Dean's shoulder, "You're so disgustingly in love it wouldn't surprise me if you did."

"Shut up," Dean grunts and he looks up at Sam and he doesn't know why it comes to him right there, the need to say it but it does so he says seriously, "I forgive you, you know."

"What?" Sam asks, freezing.

"For the whole Ruby-demon blood thing, I forgive you," Dean says, realising it needs to be said, that Sam needs to hear it aloud. 

Sam gulps, nods, "Thank you."

Dean stands up, shoving Sam to rid the chick flick moment, "And I am not disgustingly in love so shut up."

"Yes you are," Sam says with a grin.

Dean mutters, "Whatever."

"Yeah, I thought so," Sam murmurs.

* * *

 

"I'm going to the library," Sam mutters, grabbing his coat.

"What?" Dean asks, too busy with trying to pretend that he's watching television to actually hear what Sam had said.

Sam sighs, " _I said_ I'm going to the library."

"Oh, okay," Dean mutters, back to 'watching' the television. He swears if someone asks him what he's been watching the past few hours he wouldn't have even been able to tell them the name of the show, let alone one of the storylines.

"Just, eat something while I'm gone," Sam murmurs, shaking his head when he shuts the door. Dean sighs. He knows that Sam is worried about him and he guesses he has every right to be. Dean's even more of a mess than he normally is, though not quite as bad as he'd been when he'd thought Cas had tried to use the colt on Lucifer and disappeared for days. At least now Dean knows he's alive somewhere, just that he hates Dean's guts enough that he doesn't want to see him anymore. He tries not to think about that too often because it makes him want to either cry like a little girl or go and kill something and he knows neither of them is going to solve this stupid mess. The mess that Dean has made himself, he might add.

Before he can make himself want to shoot himself in the head for being a fucking idiot, he suddenly gets the feeling of not being alone, of someone staring at him.

Dean turns around to see Cas,  _Cas,_ and he doesn't really know what to do because Cas is finally here in front of him and oh God, what does he do?

He shuts the television off and stands up automatically, drinking in Cas, who's standing there and staring at him, eyes unreadable and  _fuck,_ Cas looks like a mess and it's because of Dean and how is he supposed to fix this again? He's been so caught up on trying to get Cas to see him, he hasn't actually thought about what he would do when Cas finally did show up in front of him and  _fuck._

"Cas?" Dean asks softly, unsure of whether to move closer to him or stay where he is, like Cas is a startled puppy, which to be honest, is how he's acting right now.

Castiel looks down, away from Dean, and asks hoarsely, "Where is Sam?"

"He's at the library," Dean says, wondering whether Sam had set this up or if Cas has come to see Sam. Either way, it doesn't matter because Cas is  _here._

"Oh," Castiel murmurs, still looking down, making Dean's heart squeeze painfully because he just wants everything to be okay again. For Cas to look at him, for Cas to smile and not have dark circles under his eyes, to not look like he's about to collapse from pure exhaustion.

"Cas?" Dean asks, stepping towards Cas, slowly to not scare Cas away because he doesn't want him to fly away before Dean can talk to him and say sorry.

"I must go," Castiel murmurs and no, Dean is not letting that happen, not on his watch so he steps toward him and grabs a hold of his arms, anything to stop him from leaving him.

"No, Cas, don't fly away from me," Deans pleads, "Just talk to me,  _please._ "

Castiel rises his gaze, looks at Dean and it's only then that Dean sees how much pain he's in, how much pain Dean's put him in and he almost just lets him fly away, lets him leave because if he's hurt Cas this much he doesn't deserve a second chance.

Castiel stares for a moment, swallowing heavily before nodding slowly, Dean letting him go as Castiel perches on the edge of Dean's bed. Dean watches him for a moment, watches how Cas sits there defeated, staring at his palms in his lap. Dean nearly cries right there, seeing how broken Cas is, how  _visibly_ broken he is. His face is paler than normal, hair not as lively. Hell, even his trench coat has a look of sadness about it, like Cas has stopped using his angel mojo to keep him looking his usual pristine self.

Dean sits down next to him, ignoring how Castiel flinches. Hesitatingly, he reaches out and laces their fingers together, ready to pull away if Castiel tells him to. Castiel just stares at their interlinked hands, tightening the grip and okay, that's the first sign that Castiel doesn't completely hate him and Dean is going to run with it.

"So you've been avoiding me," Dean states, trying to keep it light but the rawness of how he's feeling is clearly projected into it though Castiel doesn't say anything, just continues to stare at their linked hands so Dean adds on quietly, "You look like shit Cas."

Castiel still doesn't speak, his face as unreadable as ever, his eyes stony, like he's lost his human emotion all over again.

Dean sighs, always knowing that this conversation was going to be difficult but not quite grasping how much. He leans forward, resting his forehead on Castiel's shoulder, thankful that Cas doesn't pull away from that either. Actually, he leans in towards him and again, Dean's taking these as small signs that Castiel is going to forgive him, is going to take him back.

"I'm so fucking sorry Cas, I know that I've been a complete and utter dick ever since- ever since, y'know," Dean trails off, not really knowing what to say to a motionless, silent Cas to fix it all. He sits up, looking at Castiel, sees him still staring at their hands and sighs, realising that he's going to have to just let his mouth tumble out words and hope for the best, hope that Cas will see how sorry he is, how much he loves him and wants him.

"When- When I kissed you I was shocked at myself, not that I'd wanted to kiss you because I've wanted to do that for a while but I never planned on acting on it, you know?" Dean starts, his voice quick, wishing to just say everything on his mind so he could just fix this already, "I knew that you didn't want that and if I went and kissed you then I would mess it all up, mess our friendship up and then you'd be gone and I didn't want you to be gone Cas. Even if it meant that I just had to pretend that I saw you as nothing more than my idiot, annoying friend, I didn’t want to lose you.

“But then I kissed you and I saw your face and I fucking hated myself for doing it because I'd ruined everything. And I thought I'd lost you forever but then you turned up the next morning and I thought- I thought everything would go back to normal again, that I could pretend that it had never happened, so I could pretend in my mind that you wouldn't react that way if I would kiss you which I know is stupid but I just wanted that little thing you know, wanted to pretend that me and you were still possible even though I knew it wasn't.

“But then you wanted to bring it up and I just couldn't, I couldn't hear you shutting me down so I just tried to push you away before  _you_  could push  _me_ away and I thought that was what you wanted, I really did. And then I just couldn't fucking stop pushing you away because it was easier and because hell, you would be so much better off without me Cas, without you nearly dying all the fucking time because of me but now I guess I've been so much of a dick you hate me and I don't blame you Cas, I really don't. But I really didn't think you would take it so badly Cas and at first I thought you were angry at me for kissing you but then- but then I talked about it with Sam and he said that I'd been a fucking idiot because maybe- maybe you wanted to kiss me back. And if that's right then I've really fucked it up and I'm sorry Cas, I'm just really fucking sorry."

Castiel stays silent throughout the speech and continues to carry on the silent treatment long after Dean's just poured his whole fucking heart out. Dean tries to let Cas think about it, to give him that because he more than deserves to think carefully about this after how Dean has treated him. After a while though, he starts to get impatient. He just wants to know if Cas is going to forgive him or not,  _needs_ to know. He needs to know more than anything, to know that he and Cas are going to be okay. Hell, he doesn't even care if they never kiss again, if they never get together like that as long as Cas can look at him again, as long as Cas can smile again. He will  happily make this a shitty unrequited love thing as long as Cas would be okay because that's all that fucking matters to Dean because who cares how he fucking feels after the way he's treated Cas?

"Cas, say something," Dean begs, tightening his hold of Castiel's hand, "Anything,  _please_."

Castiel stays silent for a moment, like he's mulling over what to say and Dean expects the worst, expects him to say that he doesn't want to even be in the same room as Dean after what he's done to him, after how he's treated him, but instead Castiel says quietly, almost regretfully, "I wanted you to kiss me."

"Oh," Dean says slowly, his heart lurching because Sam had been right, Cas actually wants him, had actually wanted to be with him all this time and  _fuck,_ Dean's messed it all up. He's pushed Cas away, has gotten it all wrong and tried to send Cas away and how could he have been so stupid?

"Do you- Do you still want me to kiss you?" Dean asks, voice small. Castiel turns to meet his gaze for the first time that night, his eyes wide. Dean starts to wonder, to worry that he's messed it all up beyond repair, that maybe Cas had wanted to kiss him at the time but after the way Dean has treated him he doesn't anymore, doesn't want anything more to do with him. And God, Dean has fucked it all up before it has even began and if Cas pushes him away now Dean will never forgive himself, will always think 'what if' and  _please God, just let him forgive me._

"Yes."

 _Oh._ Dean feels himself nod calmly, though he's screaming inside. He licks his lips and just stares for a moment, stares at Cas' mouth where his mouth is going to be soon and okay, Dean is mentally freaking out here because he hadn't expected this, hadn't expected this at all and its happening right now and shit, he needs to actually do something before Cas changes his mind or something. He hesitatingly places his hand on Castiel's cheek, lets his thumb glide there soothingly. He watches Castiel close his eyes, leaning into Dean's touch and okay, Dean can do this, can most definitely do this.

Dean leans in, just brushes his lips against Castiel, careful not to push too hard, very aware that this is Castiel, that he doesn't want to break him anymore than he already has. This is, as far as Dean knows, Cas' second kiss  _ever_ so he wants it to be right, especially after their drunken, messy first one. Castiel's hand finds the back of Dean's neck, making the hair there stand on end as Dean just drinks in Castiel.

He pulls away slowly, pressing his forehead against Castiel's, eyes open so he can stare into Castiel's, Castiel's eyes that are open and honest, just like Castiel always is and he can't quite believe that that's just happened, that he's just kissed Castiel, that Castiel wants him back.

"Dean?" Castiel whispers.

"I'm okay," Dean smiles shakily, leaning back so he can see Castiel properly,  _his_ Castiel, "It's just- have you ever kissed anyone before Cas?"

"No one but you," Castiel answers quickly, and then tilting his head with what looks like hurt, "Why, is my kissing not satisfactory?"

"Your kissing is more than fucking satisfactory Cas," Dean says quickly and he's not lying there, Castiel is the best fucking kisser that Dean's ever had and okay that might be because it's  _Cas_ , and it actually means something rather than the actual technique, but still, the statement still stands, "I'm just saying, we're both new at this, that's all."

"Dean, you've kissed hundreds of women," Castiel states with a frown, looking at Dean like he's an idiot.

Dean lets out a snort, but then makes himself serious again because they need to have this conversation dammit, "Yeah, but that's different. They were- y'know,  _women_ and  _human."_

"Oh?" Castiel asks, still looking as confused as ever and Dean has really fucking missed that head tilt and owl like expression, has missed it more than he would ever have imagined.

"And it's not even that that makes this all new, not really. I just-" Dean bites his lip, "Fuck, I've never felt this way about anyone before Cas and I really don't want to fuck it up, especially when all this is new to you and I don't know, I want it to be perfect which is never going to happen because, well, because it's me."

Castiel leans forward, pulling Dean by the back of the neck so their mouths meet, Castiel licking his mouth until Dean opens his mouth willingly. He lets Castiel's tongue explore and holy shit, it's not just because it's Cas, he really is the best kisser Dean has ever had and he doesn't know how because Cas is a fucking angel and he's only ever had one other messy kiss but he's a fucking expert on the matter. Castiel pulls him in tighter, their chests pressed together and Dean can't help but moan into Castiel's mouth, his hands finding Castiel's hair, tugging on a small tuft of it gently because even though Cas is kissing him like a pro, he still knows that he's new at this and he doesn't want to hurt him or scare him away. He wants to make sure that he looks after Cas and treats him the way he deserves.

After a few minutes of great fucking kissing, Dean breaks free, chuckling lightly at the whole freaking situation because he has Cas in his arms, Cas who can fucking kiss like a perfect little porn star with his perfect little mouth, and oh yeah,  _he has fucking Cas in his arms._

Castiel looks at him seriously and traces Dean's mouth with his thumb, "You're not going to mess this up Dean, I won't let you."

"Is that a promise or a threat?" Dean asks with a smile.

"Both," Castiel says, smiling back, reaching forward to kiss Dean on the forehead, his smile faltering slightly.

"Hey Cas, you okay?" Dean asks softly.

"Yes, I'm fine," Castiel says, back to smiling.

"Maybe we should, I don't know, take things slow?" Dean asks, well aware of what Sam had told him, that all this human emotion stuff is new to Cas and he probably doesn't know how to deal with it all and okay, adding physical stuff to it probably isn't going to help matters. And yeah, maybe he's offering it too because he's partially a little overwhelmed by it all too and as much as he loves Cas, he doesn't know if he's quite ready to take that next step and have sex with the guy because that's a whole new scary territory right there.

"You- You wouldn't mind?" Castiel asks quietly.

"No," Dean smiles, nudges Castiel, "Like I said, this is new to both of us and I don't want to mess it up."

Castiel nods, smiling again, "Okay."

"Okay, we'll go as slow as we need to."

Castiel seems to contemplate this, asking slowly, "By 'going slow', we're still allowed to kiss whenever we want to, yes?"

Dean grins, "Yep."

"Good," Castiel smiles, reaching forward and kissing Dean lightly which leads to Dean forgetting everything else that's happening in their shitty lives and deepening the kiss.

It isn't till a knock on the door that Dean realises how long they've been doing this, arms wrapped around each other and kissing like there's no tomorrow and okay, there might actually  _not_  be a tomorrow so he doesn't exactly feel guilty about that. Castiel doesn't seem to exactly mind either, kissing Dean back with just as much ferocity but never going any further, hands staying above the waist, which Dean is happy to stick by, at least for now anyway.

When there's another knock, Dean pulls himself away from Castiel with a groan, smirking at not only how disappointed Cas looks for him to be disentangling himself from his arms but how fucking red and swollen his lips have become and he's pretty sure that his mouth is going to look the same and he really doesn't give a fuck.

"Dean? Is it okay to come in?" Sam asks through the door and okay, that tells Dean that his idea of Sam having something to do with Cas arriving at their motel room was right and he's going to have to think about how to repay his brother for this, though he's not really sure there's a card out there thanking your little brother for helping you to hook up with your estranged angel. Oh well, Dean'll think of something.

Dean stands up, walks to the door and winks at Castiel because as much as he owes his brother, he's not going to ignore an offer to make him traumatised so he shouts as loudly as possible, "Hang on, let me and Cas just get dressed, we're full frontal in here dude."

Dean grins at the painful, strangled noise from the other side of the door, pulling it open to see a very traumatised looking Sam, "Kidding Sam."

Dean makes his way back to Castiel, dropping back onto the bed. He smirks at how Castiel seems to be enjoying a disturbed looking Sam just as much as he is.

"Not funny Dean," Sam glowers before looking from Dean to Castiel warily, "So you two have worked things out?"

"Yup," Dean grins even wider, his face feeling like it's going to fall off because it's not used to all this smiling.

"Thank you Sam for tricking us to meet each other," Castiel says, without even a hint of an accusation, smiling gratefully up at Sam.

"I didn't trick you," Sam retorts and okay, Sam can be the biggest liar there is sometimes.

"You totally did Sammy," Dean points at him accusingly but he's still smiling and for fucks sake, he finds he can't actually stop, like he's been hit by some sort of witches spell that makes him smile until he dies.

"Okay, maybe I did, but I was forced into it because you were both being idiots," Sam rolls his eyes at the both of them.

"Bitch," Dean mutters, his leg brushing against Castiel's, a warm heat pressing to his side comfortably.

"Jerk," Sam replies.

"I think I should carry on with my search now," Castiel says after a moment of relaxed quiet.

"You sure Cas?" Dean frowns because he doesn't want Cas to disappear on him just because Sam is back and okay, he's still kind of got abandonment issues and who can blame him? Cas had disappeared for how long without even a simple 'hello, I'm fine'.

"Yes, you should both get some sleep," Castiel smiles and that relaxes Dean a little because Cas is only disappearing for his and Sam's welfare, not to just get away from them. He'll be back; he's not going to disappear for good again.

"Well, that'll be easier now that Lucifer's out of my head," Dean grins and stands up, grabbing for his bag and rooting around for something to wear to sleep.

"Lucifer hasn't been invading your dreams anymore," Castiel says slowly, an edge to his voice.

"Didn't you tell him?" Sam asks Dean.

"Well, we were kinda busy," Dean replies, feeling his cheeks go red like he's a caught schoolgirl which is kind of ridiculous but whatever.

"Oh," Sam mutters.

"How long has Lucifer been out of your dreams?" Castiel asks, stepping forward.

Dean shrugs, "I don't know, sometime last week."

Castiel nods, his jaw clenching, his eyes going back into that hazy daze again, like he's lost all over again.

"You okay Cas?" Dean asks, making his way to Castiel.

Castiel blinks, his face going back to normal before he gulps, "Yes, I'm fine."

Dean smiles reassuringly, "Hey, I know it's kinda weird for Lucifer to just stop getting into my dreams and I guess he's got something else even more shit planned for me but for now I'm just glad that I get a couple of hours sleep without Lucifer saying hello."

"I suppose you are right," Castiel says with a small smile, "I'll leave you to sleep."

"See you Cas," Sam says from behind Dean somewhere, rustling like Sam is sorting himself out for sleep too.

Dean quickly leans forward into Castiel, kissing him chastely on the lips, "See you tomorrow?"

"Yes," Castiel says and Dean smiles at the promise behind it. He receives another quick kiss from Castiel before he disappears but this time, Dean isn't panicking because he'll be back tomorrow because Cas is his and Dean is Cas' and wow, he's actually got Cas and his brain is going into overdrive.

A pillow hits the back of his head, "Dean, I know you're crazy in love like a schoolgirl but get that dopey look off your face right now, it's embarrassing."

Dean twirls around and grunts, "Shut up Sam."

"So?" Sam raises his eyebrows.

"So what?"

"So did you elope?" Sam asks with a shit eating grin.

"Fuck you," Dean growls, throwing the pillow expertly right into Sam's face.

 


	13. Chapter 13

"Oh, hey Cas," Dean smiles, his heart warming at just seeing Cas here in the same room as him. He can't help but notice that Cas looks better than he did yesterday, like he's started using his angel mojo again to keep him perfectly clean. There’s still that slightly broken look about him though, eyes more tired than they used to be but maybe that hadn't been due to Dean being a dick, rather the stress of the job of taking down Lucifer.

"Hello Dean," Castiel says from a few feet away, smiling back at Dean shyly, like he's unsure of whether he can pass the barriers like last night.

"Hey, c’mere," Dean murmurs, stepping forward and reaching for Castiel's hand, curling their fingers together and tugging at them so Castiel is pressed against him, kissing him lightly on the lips.

Castiel relaxes into him, a genuine smile breaking free, "Sam is not here?"

"Oh please, like you didn't do that on purpose," Dean teases, noticing the slight redness scoring Cas' cheeks, "Wait, did you do it on purpose?"

Castiel shrugs, letting his fingers play with Dean's amulet, "Perhaps."

"Wow Cas, you're a lot slyer than you let on," Dean grins, kissing Cas once more, but this time letting his tongue glide in easily, Castiel's arm wrapping around Dean's waist and pulling him in tighter. Dean smirks at Castiel's groan when he pulls free, tugging at Castiel's hand so they're both sitting on the bed instead. Castiel's eyes light up again when Dean reaches forward to kiss him, Dean's hands tangling in Castiel's hair, making it even messier than it normally is.

"So," Dean says between kisses, "How's the search for God?"

Castiel's face falls somewhat making Dean wish he'd never asked, "Not good. I don't- Dean, I'm sorry but I don't think I will ever find him."

"Hey, you can't give up," Dean frowns, "He brought you back remember and he put me and Sam on that damn plane. He's out there Cas, like you said."

Castiel sighs defeated, "I suppose."

Dean nudges him, "And when you do find him, kick his ass for putting me and Sam on that plane."

"What, why?" Castiel asks, tilting his head.

"Because he should have put us in the middle of a field or something instead," Dean mutters, thinking that God must have a terrible sense of humour to put Dean on a plane like that.

"Why not a plane?" Castiel questions.

"Because y'know," Dean shuffles around, "I don't like the whole flying thing."

Castiel smiles, "You do realise that when I transport you and Sam I am flying, using my wings?"

"Yeah, well I trust you. What I don't trust is a giant piece of metal to stay up in the air," Dean grumbles.

Castiel shakes his head in amusement, kissing Dean softly at the corner of his mouth, stroking his cheek with the pad of his thumb, "You are one of a kind Dean Winchester."

"Yep," Dean grins, pecking Castiel, "That's me, the one and only Dean Winchester."

"Yes," Castiel sighs, pressing their foreheads together.

"Look Cas, don't worry if you can't find God. It won't be your fault if you can't get to him, just means that he doesn't want to be found, that's all," Dean murmurs, realising that Cas has been putting his whole being into finding God, into believing that he's out there wanting to help and he can't imagine what it must feel like to start to realise that he might not want to help, might not want to be found. He knows what it feels like to be disappointed in your dad though, to put him on a pedestal only to realise that maybe he's not as great as you made him out to be, that maybe he wasn't always there like you thought he'd been. He knows his dad, and Cas' dad too more than likely, tried their best but still, it kind of sucks to be the kid of them, to always strive to be the best and to never really get the recognition for it.

"I have extended my search all the same. I'm not just looking for my Father, though He is still the main concern, but I am also looking for anyone else that could possibly know how to defeat Lucifer," Castiel says with another sigh, like he wishes he didn't have to extend it, wishes he could have found his Father already.

Dean kisses him gently to tell him that he understands, mumbles, "As long as you don't disappear on me again."

Castiel's lips turn downward, "Dean?"

"Look Cas," Dean murmurs, "You disappeared for a little while there and you scared me okay? Scared me more than you probably think so just, please don't do that again, just please Cas."

Castiel stares at him for moment, eyes unreadable, his forehead creased as he whispers brokenly, "I'm sorry Dean."

"Hey, it's okay," Dean nudges him, telling him it's forgotten, just like the rest of their shit, "Just text me if you're going to go disappearing for a few days okay?"

Castiel nods tightly, pressing their foreheads together again, mouths hovering against each other, breathing in each other's air, "Okay."

"Sorry, I'm turning into one of those annoying, possessive boyfriends aren't I?" Dean groans, realising he's becoming  _that guy,_ the one who obsessively texts his boyfriend, worrying if they don't answer the call or reply to the text within a minute. Though, normal possessive boyfriends tend to think their other half is cheating or something, while Dean tends to think that he's had a one to one with Lucifer.  _Wow_ , his life is messed up.

Castiel freezes, stares into his eyes, making Dean wonder what he's done wrong, "Boyfriends?"

_Oh shit._

"Um, well, you know, me and you, erm," Dean trails off, well aware that he's turned an embarrassing shade of red.

Thankfully Cas saves him, kissing him on the mouth to shut his rambling mouth before he says with a smile, "I would very much like to be your boyfriend Dean."

"Oh, okay," Dean shrugs, like it's not a big deal even though it's a  _massive_ deal. Dean hasn't been anyone's boyfriend for, well,  _years_ and even then none of them meant half of what Cas means to him, not even Cassie. This is a really big deal and Dean feels like he should be panicking because Dean doesn't  _do_ relationships but he's not panicking at all. Actually, he feels more relaxed now that they've sorted that out. He supposes Cas has completely made him look at relationships differently now, actually make him  _want_ to be in one, rather than run away from them.

Castiel's eyes wrinkle as he smiles at Dean, probably inwardly laughing at how shit Dean is at this but then again, Cas is new at this too so he probably doesn't see how shit Dean is at this so it's okay. Dean can be as awkward as possible and Cas wouldn't know any different. Being the first boyfriend of an angel who doesn't really get humans has its benefits.

Castiel changes the conversation back, his smile fading, "What about you and Sam, have you found anything of import regarding Lucifer?"

It's Dean's turn to sigh, "No, we've been looking everywhere, trying to figure out  _anything_ that could help but we're finding nothing. It's not like there's many books about how to kill Lucifer when the apocalypse starts. We're doing a few hunts here and there just to stop us from going insane, nothing big though so don't start worrying your pretty little head about it."

Castiel huffs out a laugh, kissing Dean with all that he has. Dean's hands easily find Cas' hair, tugging at it to bring Cas closer to him, as close as humanly possible as their tongues slide easily against each other. Castiel moans into his mouth which just spurs Dean on even more, careful not to push too hard because he's still very much aware of their 'going slow' rule but he lets his hand roll down Cas' back, scrunching the fabric in his grip. Castiel lets off another moan, his hands pawing at Dean's shirt, tugging at his hair like he's afraid Dean is going to disappear on him.

Castiel breaks free breathlessly, staring at Dean with wide eyes and a bruised mouth, a slight panic in his eyes. Dean pulls him into an easy hug, arms wrapping around Castiel lightly, knowing that Castiel is probably a little overwhelmed that's all. Hell, Dean's a little overwhelmed by it all and he's a human who's had to deal with emotions since forever so he can't imagine how it must be for Cas. He lets his hand glide through Cas' hair soothingly, Castiel sighing into his neck, practically purring. Dean kisses his hair, tightens his hold of Castiel, smiling at the fact that he has Castiel in his arms. To others it wouldn't be perfect, the fact that both of them have no clue as to what they're doing, the fact they have an apocalypse on their shoulders, but still, it's perfect to Dean and if he has to deal with an apocalypse to have Cas then so fucking be it.

Castiel's insistent mouth finds his again, prying Dean's mouth open with a gentle bite to his bottom lip, his tongue sliding easily into Dean's mouth. Dean's gentler this time, letting Castiel take control. He figures that the angel needs to be in control to see what he's okay with doing, what's he ready to do. He doesn't mind letting Cas take control, trusts him and besides, Cas is a legendary kisser so Dean is more than happy to let him control their kisses, to let him be the one to push their mouths together, to pull at Dean's hair to press them closer.

The jangle of keys outside the motel room makes them break free like caught, horny teenagers, Castiel looking at him sheepishly, Dean nudging him while disentangling himself from Castiel, letting them have their own space on the bed in time for Sam to open the door, his eyebrows raised. It's not like Dean's ashamed of him and Cas, hell, if anyone knows how much he loves Cas, it's Sam, but still, it's a little weird to have your tongue down your angel boyfriend's throat while your little brother is in the room.

"Am I interrupting something?" Sam asks, standing awkwardly at the door.

"No!" Dean protests loudly while Castiel says grumpily, "Yes."

Sam shakes his head, "I think from now on I'm going to knock."

"I think that's a good idea Sammy," Dean grins, turning to Castiel and winking which makes Castiel go satisfyingly red.

"So, do you want me to leave so you can do-" Sam grimaces, "Whatever the hell you were doing?"

"Nope," Dean says, scurrying back on the bed so he's resting against the headboard.

Sam relaxes, "Okay then. How are you Cas?"

Castiel's eyes flicker from Dean's to Sam's, his lips curling up slightly, "I am... Okay."

"Good," Sam smiles, "So you're sticking around for a bit?"

Castiel's frowns, looking to Dean, "I should really carry on with my search."

"Come on Cas, stay an hour or two and watch shitty TV with us," Dean pleads because Cas needs some fun in his life or at least some downtime every now and then. He can't really imagine how much pressure he must be putting on himself and if anything, Dean’s going to try and make Cas relax for at least an hour.

"Dean," Castiel says, "I should really-"

"Please Cas?" Dean pouts, grinning when Cas falters and nods. Okay, so the pouting thing works then, must remember that one.

"For one hour Dean and then I must go," Castiel states.

"Yeah, okay," Dean nods happily, "Just an hour, that's all."

Castiel nods, pulling himself further onto the bed so he's half lying next to Dean, a warm presence pressed against his side. Dean fights the urge to bundle him in his arms and wrap himself around him like an octopus because his little brother is in the room. Besides, Cas might get a little alarmed at Dean's newly found clinginess. Dean resorts to just pressing their legs closer together, his hand brushing against Castiel's, something that Castiel doesn't even seem to knowledge as he stares at the television screen.

Sam rolls his eyes, passing the control to Cas and mutters to Dean teasingly, "You're both disgusting, like, it's embarrassing to watch."

"Jealous Sammy?" Dean waggles his eyebrows, "You want your very own angel, huh?"

"Shut up Dean."

* * *

 

As soon as Dean sees it on the news, he grabs his coat and keys, ignores Sam's calls and slams the door shut behind him and mercilessly drives to the nearest bar. He pushes all the thoughts out of his mind, parks the car in the alley and lets himself breathe for a minute, wondering what the hell he's doing. Sure, he has always used alcohol as a way of forgetting things, pushing them down so in the end it all just bursts out like a firework but he knows it's not healthy  _at all._ And besides, Dean finds he doesn't want to get pissed anyway, doesn't want to go through those stupid motions. No, what he really wants and more importantly,  _needs,_  is a man shaped angel who wears a tragic looking trench coat.

Cas picks up immediately, practically on the first ring, "Dean?"

"Hey Cas, can you come meet me?" Dean asks, noticing how wrecked his voice sounds, not even bothering to hide it because he can be himself around Cas, can show how he's really feeling. With Sam, he has to try and hide it, to be the bigger brother and be strong, pretend everything is going to be fine but with Cas, he can let it all out in the knowledge that Cas isn't going to judge him, will sit there and let him shout and curse if he has to.

"Just tell me where you are and I'll be right there."

Dean sighs, "I'm near the dive bar by our motel. I'm in the impala, round the back in the alley."

Castiel hangs up and by the time Dean has shoved his phone back into his pocket, Cas is sitting in the passenger seat beside him, a concerned frown on his face. Dean doesn't even bother to speak, doesn't want to have to say the words aloud and he realises he doesn't want to talk about it anyway. He just wants Cas. He pulls Cas to him by his cheeks, kissing him roughly, Castiel reciprocating, though not as much as he normally is and Dean just knows that Cas is going to break away from him and force him to say what's wrong, what's happened.

Castiel does just that, pulling away from Dean, stopping him from reaching forward again by a hand pressed to his chest, "Dean, what's wrong, what's happened?"

Dean says shakily, "Most of New York is gone, a tornado hit it earlier."

"No," Castiel shakes his head, sounding just as messed up as Dean feels, reminding Dean that Cas loves humanity as much as Dean does, perhaps even more. He had  _rebelled against Heaven_ to just try and keep all of humanity alive after all.

"That's not all Cas," Dean laughs hollowly, not wanting to add the next part because it's only going to make it worse but Cas has to know, "Britain, it's- it's completely gone, wiped off the fucking map Cas. All those people, they're just gone."

" _Dean,_ " Castiel utters, grabbing a handful of Dean's shirt, clenching it tightly as his eyes pool into Dean's, a look of what can only be grief painted there and Dean's pretty sure that he looks exactly the same. And it's all too much and Dean can't talk about this anymore. He pulls Castiel back to him roughly, finding his mouth easily, their bodies pressed against each other. Dean pushes himself onto Cas, Castiel letting himself fall backwards, hitting against the side window but still kissing Dean with everything he has.

"Dean?" Castiel pants, eyes wide but trusting.

"Need you Cas," Dean murmurs, realising that they're not going to get anywhere with this weird angle that he's put them in so he holds onto Castiel's coat and pulls them both to the back seat of the car where they'll have more room. He lies back on the seat, pulling a compliant Castiel on top of him.

For a short moment he freezes, wondering whether he's forcing Cas to do something he doesn't want to do but then Castiel is shrugging off his coat and jacket on his own accord which relaxes Dean. He lets himself reach forward and kiss Castiel roughly, Cas giving it back just as much. Castiel lets his mouth wander, sucking on Dean's neck gently, nipping at it in a way that makes Dean moan, makes Dean crave more. He grabs a hold of Castiel's hips, moving them both until their cocks are pressed against each other, only thin fabric between them. Castiel's mouth finds his again, tongue and teeth clashing against each other as Castiel grinds his hips and oh god, why had Dean been so scared about doing this? About being with Cas like this?

Dean blindly tugs at Castiel's hips again to try and tell him that he should keep on doing whatever the hell he'd been doing and Castiel seems to get it, rocking his hips against Dean, rutting in the most perfect way imaginable. Dean feels a hand slide up his shirt, pinching his nipple as Castiel sucks on his neck and oh god, Dean is going to lose it and  _fast._

"Jesus Cas," Dean groans, letting his legs wrap around Castiel, their dicks being pressed against each other even more which Dean hadn't even thought was possible.

Castiel murmurs between licks of his neck, "Language Dean."

"Wh-What?" Dean gasps.

"Don't blaspheme," Castiel orders and fuck, his voice is more growly than normal. Dean arches his head back as Castiel grinds against him endlessly and then the angel is licking his exposed neck, nipping at it and holy fuck, Dean's so close. He hears himself moan, so loudly he's sure that everyone in a ten mile radius can hear him. He wraps his arms around Castiel's neck so their foreheads are pressed against each other, both looking into each other's eyes and it's this closeness, not the sex thing, but the fact that they're both gazing into each other, both breathing in each other's air that had scared Dean the most. But now it's happening he realises it's the best thing they could have. Because there's trust there, understanding,  _love._

Dean moans Cas' name when he comes, eyes pinched shut, Castiel kissing him gently, helping him through the overwhelming feeling. He holds onto Castiel tightly, vaguely aware that Castiel is shouting into Dean's neck now, coming only moments after Dean. Dean kisses the side of Castiel's head and neck gently, aware that Castiel has probably never felt anything close to that before and if Dean is feeling like this, he can't even imagine how Cas is feeling.

Dean wraps his arms around Castiel's waist, pulling him in tightly to his chest, laughing shakily, "Fuck Cas, you've just made me come in my pants like a freaking teenager."

Dean hears Castiel's smile rather than sees it, "Well, that's just the effect I have."

Dean chuckles and then kisses Castiel's hair, "I guess so."

Castiel pulls back slightly and kisses Dean's jaw, "We couldn't have done anything to save those people Dean."

"Yeah, I know. It's just- I want him fucking dead Cas," Dean sighs, knowing that they would come back to this train of conversation but not feeling as bad about it now. He can think about it without wanting to get hammered.

Castiel falls back onto Dean's chest heavily and murmurs, "I know the feeling."

Dean tightens his hold of Castiel, "I just want it all to be over, for me, you and Sammy to be able to have a day off where we don't have to worry about Lucifer or demons or the end of the world. We deserve some happiness, right?"

"You and Sam deserve happiness more than anything," Castiel murmurs into his chest.

"And you Cas," Dean adds, not liking the fact that Castiel had ignored himself.

"Hmm," Castiel hums, not replying or agreeing, his fingers making lazy trails up and down Dean's chest.

"Cas, look at me please," Dean murmurs because this shit right here is important and he doesn't know why Cas doesn't seem to think he deserves happiness but Dean is going to correct it right here and now. Castiel begrudgingly pulls himself upwards, looking at Dean unblinkingly.

"You deserve to be happy too Cas," Dean says and he chooses not to mention how maybe  _Dean_ is the one that doesn't deserve happiness out of the three of them, not Cas because he figures that Cas wouldn't exactly like to hear that thought of Dean's.

Castiel stares at him for a moment, swallows, before nodding, pecking Dean on the lips before falling back onto Dean's chest. It's not exactly a massive agreement on the whole matter but it's a start and Dean intends to keep making Cas see how important he is, and not just 'help stop the apocalypse' important either.

They stay there for a while, Dean stroking Cas' hair, Castiel humming, out of tune no less, before Dean murmurs, "I should get back to Sam."

"Yes you should. I'll go back to my search and see you tomorrow," Castiel replies.

"Okay baby," Dean murmurs, "See you tomorrow."

Castiel freezes in his arms and asks slowly, "What did you just call me?"

"Nothing," Dean mutters, glad that Castiel is still buried into his chest so he can't see how red he's gotten at the fact that he'd just called Cas baby  _out loud._

Thankfully he's not as red when Castiel pulls himself away; his fingers gently placed around Dean's jaw, pressing their foreheads together, kissing him softly, "Bye Dean."

"Bye," Dean smiles, kissing Cas one last time before he disappears.

When he gets back to the motel room in less than an hour after he'd left its fair to say that Sam is surprised, more like in shock, staring at Dean like he's some sort of demon. When Dean patiently explains that he'd seen Cas, rather than get drunk, Sam places a hand on his shoulder and calmly tells him to never let that son of a bitch go.

And Dean doesn't intend to.


	14. Chapter 14

He's dreaming about a roomful of pies, all different flavours and piping hot when he feels at the back of his mind, that someone is nudging him, trying to wake him up and he's pretty sure he hears Cas calling his name. Begrudgingly, he opens his eyes, blinking until his surroundings aren't blurry.

He looks to the left, seeing his brother asleep, legs and arms hanging off the bed and smiles. He looks to his right to see Cas looming over him, staring at him with wide, excited eyes.

"Cas?" Dean murmurs, unsure of whether he's actually conscious or not, wondering whether Cas normally hangs around and watches him while he sleeps because even for them, that's a little creepy.

"Can you wake your brother?" Castiel asks, eyes still wide. Okay then, looks like Cas hadn't just been watching him for fun, he'd actually turned up to tell them something, something that's probably a massive deal seeing as he's woken Dean up in the middle of the night, something that Cas had learnt a long time ago to never do.

"Yeah, okay," Dean shrugs, grabbing the pillow he'd been sleeping on and throwing it at Sam, hitting him perfectly at the back of the head as he shouts, "Get your ass out of bed Sammy."

Sam groans, mutters something but slowly sits up and if looks could kill Dean would most likely be dead right now. Of course, Sam doesn't glare at Cas when he sees him. Instead, he smiles at him like he's not the person that had made Dean wake him up. Honestly, his angel gets away with murder.

"What's going on?" Sam asks, looking from Dean to Castiel blearily.

"Cas is just about to tell us," Dean looks to Castiel, thinking that the excited look on Castiel's face must mean something  _good,_ not something that's going to make him want to drive the impala off a bridge.

Castiel smiles, blue eyes lighting up, "I've found out a way to kill Lucifer."

"Wait, what?" Dean asks and he can't help but grin before he even knows the plan because Cas is smiling, he's saying they've found a way to do this and he believes him, believes that whatever is about to come out of Cas' mouth is going to work, that they're going to do it.

Castiel says quickly, rocking on the balls of his feet, "I don't know why I didn't think of it before but I was so set on finding my Father and when I wasn't doing that we were fighting and interrogating demons and focusing on the colt and I've been... Distracted."

"Okay Cas, calm down a sec," Dean soothes, smiling as he reaches out and takes a hold of Cas' hand to anchor him. Castiel listens and stares at their linked hands as he breathes for a moment, letting out a shaky breath.

"What's the one thing that we know kills angels?" Castiel demands after a moment, looking from Dean to Sam as if they should have the answer and Dean just stares blankly because he's not really sure where this is going.

"Well..." Sam thinks aloud, "Angel blades kill angels?"

"Yes," Castiel agrees, rewarding Sam with a fevered nod.

"Wait, are you saying that Lucifer can be killed by an angel blade?" Dean asks, hope rising in his chest because if it's that simple they could actually do this, Dean could do this.

"Yes," Castiel grimaces, "But it can't be any angel blade, he's an archangel which means he is one of the most powerful. My blade wouldn't work on him but-"

"But an archangel's would," Sam finishes.

"Yes, an archangel's would," Castiel smiles, tightening his hold of Dean's hand, Dean squeezing back instinctively.

Dean hesitates, "But all the archangels want the Earth gone, none of them are going to hand over their blade to kill him, else they would have gone after him already."

Castiel only smiles back at him, "Yes, all the archangels in  _Heaven_ want humans gone."

Dean's eyes widen, feeling hope bubble up to the surface dangerously. He sits up more, holding onto Cas' hand tightly, "Are you saying there's an archangel on Earth that will help us? Who?"

"Gabriel," Castiel replies.

"Gabriel the archangel? We're talking about  _the_ Gabriel?" Sam stutters, standing up, Dean rolling his eyes at the awe clearly written on his little brother's face.

"Yes, he left Heaven several centuries ago and came to Earth. No one knows why or where he went. I don't even know if he will help us or if he'll even let himself be found but it's our only hope. His blade would kill Lucifer and I need to at least try to reach out to him," Castiel explains.

Dean nods, okay with this plan because hell, it's their first plan since the colt and its better than nothing, "Okay, so we're what, going to summon him?"

Castiel nods, "Yes, I'm going to summon him, he might not return my call but-"

"But it's worth trying," Dean finishes, squeezing Castiel's hand in agreement.

"I'll summon him tomorrow once I have found an appropriate place away from humans that could get hurt."

"You keep saying  _'I'_  and not  _we,"_ Dean frowns, already feeling a sinking feeling in his stomach because he's starting to feel like Cas is thinking of doing this alone which is so  _not_ going to happen.

Castiel says matter-of-factly, "Well I'm not going to let you two be in the presence of an archangel when we don't even know how he's going to react if he returns my summoning."

Dean jumps out of his bed to hold Cas tightly by the arms and grits out, "Yeah and I'm not going to let you go off and summon a freaking archangel by yourself when we don't know how he's going to react."

"Dean," Castiel starts, eyes guarded.

Dean shakes his head angrily, "No, don't ' _Dean'_  me, we're all doing this together, like we always do."

"But Dean-"

Dean argues, "No arguments, I'm not letting you do this by yourself."

"I agree with Dean," Sam pipes up and thank fuck for his little brother.

Castiel sighs, "Fine, we'll all summon him together."

"Sounds good to me," Dean grins, glad that they've sorted that out, wondering what the hell Cas had even been thinking when he had thought that Dean and Sam would let him do this alone, let him go to an  _archangel_ when his powers are diminishing. No, this is something they do together, regardless of whether they all die in the crossfire together or not.

"I'll come and get you once I have found an appropriate location and I have everything ready for the summoning spell," Castiel says, his gaze lowered.

"Okay Cas," Sam mutters and Dean hears him ruffle around, probably going back to bed. Honestly, waking his brother up in the middle of the night is the worst thing you can do and it's probably going to have ramifications tomorrow for poor Dean.

Dean places his hands on Castiel's cheeks gently and waits for Cas to look up to him before saying, "Promise me you won't go off and do this by yourself."

Castiel falters, gulps heavily, his gaze lowering again.

"Promise me Cas," Dean murmurs because he needs this promise, he can't handle Cas disappearing, can't go through that again.

"I promise," Castiel replies and Dean can see that he's being truthful so he leans forward and kisses him on the forehead. Castiel shuts his eyes and leans into it; waits for Dean to lean back before fluttering his eyes open again.

"See you soon okay?" Dean says.

"Yes," Castiel nods, kissing Dean chastely on the lips before disappearing.

Dean stares at the space he'd been in for a while and wonders when Cas had become so careless with his own life, that Cas had seriously been planning on going after Gabriel alone, not even knowing whether he would survive it or not, just going for it because it holds a small chance that it could help to defeat Lucifer. And he'd been planning on leaving Dean and Sam behind purely to try and keep them safe.

Dean sighs, "Sometimes I worry that he's too much like a Winchester."

"What?" Sam mutters, his voice muffled.

Dean turns to him, sees his face buried into the pillow and mutters, "Nothing Sammy, go to sleep."

* * *

 

"Cas called when you were in the bathroom, said he's got everything ready for the summoning so we're going to do it tomorrow," Dean smiles, fiddling with the gun in his hand because as much as he's glad that Cas isn’t meeting the archangel alone, he is kind of shitting it because this archangel is just as powerful as Lucifer and they're  _summoning_ the guy. He could kill them all with a snap of a finger and that right there is some scary shit.

"Okay," Sam nods before staring at Dean for a moment, like he wants to say something else but unsure of how to go about it.

"What?" Dean snaps, narrowing his eyes.

"So-" Sam starts, his cheeks reddening.

"What Sammy?" Dean asks, already wondering what the hell could make his little brother blush like a schoolgirl.

"So, I'm going to go out for a few hours, I won't be back till late," Sam says slowly, his cheeks still a furious red.

"Why, where are you going?" Dean frowns.

Sam's eyes widen and he says as slowly as possible, "Just out, but like I said, I'll be gone for a few hours so you can do whatever you want. In here. In the motel room."

"Sam, what the hell are you talking about?" Dean grunts.

Sam rolls his eyes and grabs his coat, "I'm just saying that I'll be gone for a few hours, I'm not going to spell it out for you, this is already awkward as it is. Jesus."

And with that Sam shuts the door, taking the car keys with him. Dean stands there for a moment and rolls over what Sam had just said in his mind, still not getting it, wondering if his brother had hit his head or something.

"Hello Dean."

Dean twirls around to see Castiel smiling at him, hands pushed into his trench coat pockets.

"Cas?" Dean asks, already feeling himself grinning, "Random home visit?"

"Sam called me. He said that you 'were not getting it and he would call me himself'," Castiel quotes, tilting his head, "I didn't understand but I came here anyway."

Dean's eyes widen when he realises what's going on, that Sam had left so he could call Cas so they could have  _sex in the motel room._

"Oh god, Sam is pimping me out," Dean says in horror.

"What?" Castiel asks with a frown.

"Nothing," Dean shakes his head, laughing a little at what his little brother had done and not only that, what he'd  _assumed._  Of course Sam must have thought that he and Cas were going at it like rabbits, though he's not sure when and where Sam assumes Dean has somehow had been doing this but whatever, Sam's given him a free pass to the motel room and if Cas wants to, they are damn going to use it.

Besides, after their whole dry humping fun at the back of the impala, Dean's found that he's not as scared about the whole sex thing. He actually wants to take it to the next stage with full blown gay angel sex, though he's still not sure whether Cas wants that too but he had been more than willing at the back seat of his car. Well, there's only one way to find out.

"So, this Gabriel, he's one tough cookie right?" Dean asks casually, stands up from his seat and makes his slow way to Castiel.

Castiel nods, "He's an archangel, they are arguably the most powerful beings besides our Father."

"Right. So this could be it, you know, wrath of an angel tearing us all down," Dean says.

"Dean, I won't let him harm you or your brother, I will kill him before that happens," Castiel practically  _growls,_ his jaw clenching and fuck, his angel looks hot when he does that.

Dean can't help but smirk, tugging at Castiel's tie to pull him closer, barely any space between them, "Gotta love it when you get all righteous and shit."

"Dean, if you are worried about your and Sam's safety then I can do this alone like I planned to do," Castiel says seriously, obviously not getting the game that Dean's trying to play here and _Jesus_ , trying to seduce an angel can be tough.

"Cas will you shut up, I'm trying to give you the last night on earth speech," Dean rolls his eyes and tugs at Castiel's tie again, grinning at how confused Cas looks.

"Speech?" Castiel tilts his head.

"Yeah," Dean wraps his arms around Castiel's neck, pecking the corner of his mouth, "You know, this could be our last night and that we should spend our last few hours wisely, you know."

Castiel's eyes widen in understanding before they go half lidded as he wraps his arms around Dean's waist, "Oh, what would you think would be wise to do on our last night?"

Dean shrugs, tries to say as casually as possible, "Well, Sam is going to be out for the next few hours."

"Oh?" Castiel raises his eyebrows, "Well, we should definitely use these few hours alone very very wisely."

Okay, so that's definitely a green card to sex then. Dean grins as he reaches forward to kiss Castiel forcefully, nipping at his bottom lip, grinning even more when Castiel moans and pulls Dean closer to him by the waist. Dean lets his mouth wander, choosing to focus on Castiel's neck, kissing and sucking. Castiel's body goes stiff for a moment before his hands trail under Dean's shirt, fingers gently gliding against his chest.

"You want this yeah?" Dean breathlessly asks, his mouth still pressed against Castiel's neck, just needing to ask to make sure. He sure as hell isn’t going to force Cas into anything he doesn't want to.

Castiel pulls him to his mouth, kissing him feverishly and okay, that's a yes then. Dean wastes no time in pulling Cas' trench coat off, then his suit jacket, letting them fall to their feet with a thud. Castiel takes control then, ripping open Dean's shirt, buttons pinging all over the place, not that Dean cares when Cas is biting his bottom lip, his hands finding Dean's chest. Castiel's mouth glides down from his own mouth, kissing his neck before finding his chest, his tongue gliding against his nipple and holy shit, Dean's losing it already and they haven't even done anything yet.

Dean's hands find Castiel's hair, pulls him up so their mouths are hitting against each other again, undoing the buttons on Cas' shirt after he's tugged off his tie, Cas helping him tug the shirt from his arms. Dean breaks free of the kiss and pushes Castiel back on to the bed, Castiel half sitting up, his face flushed as Dean kneels next to him beside the bed. Gently, he gives light kisses on Cas' stomach to show that this isn't just about sex, that this is a whole lot more than that to Dean. Most importantly, he wants Cas to see that he loves him, that he'd never hurt him.

Dean kisses up to Castiel's chest but stops short when he sees what's around Castiel's neck: his ring looped around a chain. When the fuck did that happen?

Castiel lets out an impatient huff and tries to pull Dean on top of him but Dean ignores him, can't stop staring at  _his_ ring around Castiel's neck.

"What?" Castiel asks grouchily.

"Cas, how come you have my-" Dean smiles confusedly, not angry exactly that Cas has it, just wondering  _when_  the hell he'd gotten it and how. He reaches forward to Castiel's neck, stopping when he sees that he still has the ring placed perfectly on his finger, that Cas had an exact replica somehow and okay, now Dean is confused completely.

Castiel looks up at him, eyes wide, mouth parted in shock.

"Cas, how come you have a ring that looks exactly like mine around your neck?" Dean asks, wondering whether maybe Cas had somehow got one made so he could feel closer to Dean or something which isn't that much of a big deal he supposes. But the way Cas is acting, the way he's clasping onto the necklace, his eyes still wide and he's practically  _shaking_ shows that this is a bigger deal than Dean realises.

"Cas?" Dean asks softly, "Who gave you that?"

Castiel shuts his eyes tightly, sighs shakily, "You did."

_Okay, what the fuck?_

"What are you talking about? I never gave that to you."

Castiel shakes his head, opens his eyes and forces out, "You from the future, Superman, that was- that was you."

Dean gulps, trying to come to terms with this because fuck, this is big and he doesn't know what to do with it. Dean tries to speak, to try and say  _anything_ but nothing comes out. He just finds himself shaking his head in denial because this isn't happening, it  _can't_ be happening. He can't be Superman, he  _can't._

Castiel clamps his eyes shut again, shuddering as he rocks slightly, shaking his head himself.

Dean asks slowly, "And where is he now?"

Castiel whole body lurches as he chokes back a sob, his eyes still shut but a small trickle of water leaks out and Dean doesn't waste any time in grabbing Cas' hands, pressing their foreheads together, anything to make Cas okay.

And then he realises how Cas had said it, hadn't said that he  _is_ Superman, but he  _was._

"He's dead isn't he? I-I died?" Dean asks softly, not sure how to even feel about it because how  _do_ you deal with that? That you from the future had somehow come back, had saved them all and now he'd died. Fuck he'd died. _He's dead._

Castiel doesn't reply but he doesn't have to to make Dean see that he's guessed right. Castiel gasps as soon as he says it, his body shuddering as he starts to sob, not just crying a few tears, but full on sobbing, hardly even breathing as his body shakes. Dean grabs onto him and pulls him in tightly to his chest, one arm around his waist, the other curled around the back of his head. Castiel tries to push him away but Dean doesn't have any of it, he just holds him tighter as Castiel cries louder and harder into his chest.

Dean rocks them slightly, still in shock himself as he just lets Cas cry it out, trying to sort out everything in the back of his mind but failing, coming up blank. He doesn’t know how to deal with any of this because his future self is dead and Cas is crying into his chest, something that he's sure an angel of the lord has never done. But Cas is doing it, short gasps as he just keeps on crying and it's all making sense, all of it, why Cas had disappeared for so long, why he'd looked so broken. It hadn't been because of Dean being a dick, it had been because he'd  _died. Fuck, he'd died._

It's a long time before Castiel's breathing steadies and even then Dean can hear the sniffing to signify that he's still crying and the fact that Cas has turned into this,  _over him,_ makes Dean want to cry himself because he doesn't know what had happened, doesn't know how he dies but Cas has been resorted into a broken, sobbing mess because of him and it's not fair, it's not okay and he needs to be able to fix this, to fix Cas.

Dean pulls himself away from Cas, Castiel stiffening under his touch, red rimmed eyes looking down, not looking at Dean, making Dean's heart lurch painfully. Dean reaches forward, curls his hand around Castiel's jaw and pulls Castiel's head up so Cas is forced to look at him. Dean almost breaks down when he sees the raw pain and grief in those eyes, remembering how strong he'd been when they'd met in that warehouse. And this is what he'd done to him.

Dean kisses Castiel's forehead and tries to show how sorry he is through it, feeling Castiel shudder under his touch, "How can I help you Cas, tell me how to help you."

"Ju-Just stay," Castiel whispers hoarsely, his voice broken and thick and okay, Dean can do that, will never leave Cas' side if he has to because he needs to make this better, needs to help Cas be himself again.

Dean nods mutely, grabs a tight hold of Castiel's hand and gently pushes Castiel's chest so he's lying on the bed. Dean follows, wraps his arms around a shaking Castiel and lets him bury himself in Dean's neck, legs tangling with his own. Dean sighs shakily, lets his lips rest in Castiel's hair, his fingers making slow, gentle movements on Castiel's back.

"I'm so sorry Dean," Castiel chokes out.

Dean fights back tears himself as he murmurs soothingly, "Shh Cas, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"But you don't- you don't even know what- what happened," Castiel stammers, his voice cracking.

"I don't need to know to know it wasn't your fault," Dean whispers because it's true, he knows that Cas would never hurt him, that it's not Cas' fault and Cas needs to know that, needs to see that Dean's here, that he's not blaming him, that he trusts him with everything.

He gently pulls Castiel from where he's buried in his neck, kissing Castiel gently on the lips, Castiel whimpering into his mouth, turning into a pained groan as he pulls Dean closer, tongue easily gliding into Dean's mouth. Castiel's hand tangles into Dean's hair roughly, tugging at it as if to make sure Dean's real, that he's there beside him. Castiel lets his hand trail down Dean's chest and Dean can't help but pull Cas tighter into the kiss, his own hands tangling in Castiel's hair.

Castiel's hands trail down Dean's chest and then he’s tugging at Dean's jeans before scrambling at the button and this is when Dean stops him, holding Castiel's wrist still.

"Dean, please," Castiel pleads, eyes wide.

"Cas, stop, you don't want this, not really," Dean says pained, pushing Castiel gently away from him because he can't do this, can't take advantage of him when he's like this.

"Yes I do Dean, please," Castiel begs, kissing Dean firmly on the lips. Dean freezes for a moment, lets him kiss him and then he realises that Cas needs this, needs him and Dean needs him back. Dean finds himself kissing him back, hands back in Cas' hair again. Castiel groans into his mouth, tugging at Dean's jeans. He kisses him for a moment before pulling away from him so he can pull his jeans off, tugging off his boxers too, throwing them to the side of the bed. Dean watches as Castiel pulls off his own trousers and boxers. Both of them finally have nothing between them when Castiel pulls Dean by the waist so he's on top of him, bare skin against bare skin.

Dean steadies himself above Cas, letting the weight fall on his elbows as he kisses Castiel gently and carefully on the lips before kissing his neck and chest. Castiel shivers and whimpers as Dean lets his mouth circle over Cas' nipple, sucking on it gently.

"Dean, please," Castiel pleads, his hands pawing at Dean's back. Dean kisses him again quickly before leaning over him, pouring through his bag on the bedside table, finally finding what he's looking for. He coats his fingers and himself, feeling Castiel's concentrated gaze on him and fuck, they're actually going to do this.

Dean bites his lip, asks softly, "You sure you want this Cas?"

Castiel immediately nods, spreading his legs wider. Dean nods too in reply, lets out a shaky breath. Carefully, he watches Cas' face as he slowly pushes his finger inside Castiel, watches his face to see if there's any pain. Castiel bucks his hips onto Dean's finger, eyes clamping shut when he does and Dean feels himself panicking, because he doesn't want to hurt Cas, not any more than he already has.

Dean stills his finger, ready to pull out, "Am I hurting you?"

Castiel shakes his head furiously, stutters out, "No, I want- Dean, I want-"

Dean gets it, pushes a second finger in and Castiel gasps like he's in pain and it distracts Dean for a moment, his finger pushing further in and then Castiel's eyes roll in the back of his head, moaning as he shudders in pleasure. Dean lets his fingers move around inside of him then, opening him up as Castiel bucks his hips up to meet Dean's fingers, moaning whenever Dean hits his prostrate.

"Need you Dean," Castiel manages to gasp out, opening his eyes to meet Dean's.

"O-Okay," Dean says breathlessly. Slowly, he pulls his fingers out of Castiel, Castiel whimpering at the loss of contact. Dean manoeuvres around and pulls himself further on top of Castiel, Castiel wrapping his legs and arms around Dean tightly, his eyes staring into Dean's. Dean falters, unsure of whether he's even going to this right because he's never done this and here's Cas,  _his_ Cas and he doesn't want to hurt him, not anymore and he wants this to be good, to help Cas and what if he doesn't? What if he fucks this up as well?

Castiel seems to get it, kisses Dean gently on the mouth before falling back onto the bed, murmurs, "You're not going to hurt me Dean."

Dean wants to say that no, Cas is wrong because he's already hurt him, he's going to die at some point and break Cas but instead he whispers soothingly, "Okay baby."

He pushes himself inside of Cas slowly, dropping his forehead onto Castiel's chest as he feels nothing but the tight heat around him, the overpowering feeling of being inside Cas, of Cas' fingernails digging into his back, holding onto him tightly as Dean pushes himself completely in. Dean stills, pants into Castiel's chest, Castiel doing the same, waiting for Dean to move.

When Dean has finally gotten used to the feeling and knows that Cas has to, he starts to move, slowly and gently thrusting into Cas, feels himself moaning loudly at the feeling, Cas doing the same below him, bucking his hips to meet Dean, groaning whenever Dean is all the way in.

" _Dean,_ " Castiel moans, his head arching back into the pillow. Dean carries on going slowly, knowing that they need it like this, that with how broken Cas is, he needs to go slow, needs to care for him, to be gentle. Castiel pulls at Dean's waist until their foreheads are pressed together, brushing their lips into faint kisses as they both moan into each other's mouths.

Just looking at Cas, how broken and in awe his face is when he looks up at him, Dean can't help but feel tears fill his eyes because this is his Cas, his angel and Dean's broken him.

"Love you Cas, so much," Dean moans, his lips brushing against Castiel's as he says it, feeling a tear fall down his cheek, knowing that Cas needs to hear this and Dean needs to say it, to show Cas that he loves him with everything, that he'd never do anything to hurt him.

Castiel chokes back, "I love you Dean."

Dean kisses him again and then Castiel is coming, shuddering underneath Dean's body, choking back a sob into Dean's mouth. Dean continues to thrust into him, kissing Castiel strongly and deeply, Castiel looking up to him, eyes unblinking and then Dean is coming too, going back to kissing Castiel as he works his way through it, Castiel's fingers gliding up and down his back.

Dean slowly but surely pulls himself out of Cas once they’ve both caught their breaths. He falls onto his side and pulls Castiel by his waist tightly, Castiel's arms wrapping around Dean, burying his damp forehead against Dean's chest. Dean kisses his hair gently, legs wrapping around Castiel.

Neither speaks after that, Dean trying to sort out his mind, to try and understand everything that Cas has just told him but he soon finds his eyelids fluttering shut, falling into sleep with his arms still wrapped around Castiel, praying that tomorrow he'll still be there.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

Dean hardly sleeps, just holds onto Castiel as he keeps stirring back to uneasy restlessness. He hears Sam come back way into the night, not having any idea as to what has happened, what Dean has found out. He's surprised to look down and see that Castiel, an angel that had once told him that angels didn't sleep, sleeping into his chest, his breathing slow and heavy. He feels his stomach lurch in uneasiness as he realises that Cas has fallen more than he'd thought, that it's yet another thing that Cas had hidden away from him.

He instinctively tightens his hold of the falling angel, kisses the top of his head and tries to understand everything that had happened last night.  _Dean is Superman._ Dean, from the future, had somehow came back and saved them all, had saved Sam from the damn werewolf, had saved them  _all_ from the warehouse of demons, had told them where to get the colt. It had all been him. And then somehow, somewhere along the line he'd died. He's in a crossroads, both being alive and being dead at the same time and he doesn't know how to deal with that, how to even  _feel_ about it. He feels like he should be scared, should be shaking Castiel awake and forcing him to tell him everything that happened so they can prevent it, can stop his future self from dying but he doesn't feel it. He's not suicidal, far from it when he's got Sam and Cas, but the thought of dying, probably some heroic death, doesn't worry him at all, doesn't make him want to prevent it.

The only reason he would want to stop it is the angel lying in his arms and his brother that's just walked into the bathroom. He doesn't care about himself. He is more than happy to die if it means saving the world, but he just doesn't want to leave them behind, to make them suffer because they've both already suffered enough. Cas, who had sobbed for hours against his chest last night doesn't deserve this, shouldn't be like this, shouldn't be  _broken_ because of Dean. That's the opposite that Dean had wanted, he'd wanted to fix him, to make him happy and it turns out that his future self had already fucked that all up.

Castiel shuffles in his hold, his breath not as steady as before and Dean tightens his hold of him, lets his fingers that are splayed at the back of Cas' neck make soft motions against his skin.

"Cas, you awake?" Dean murmurs. Castiel doesn't move for a small moment, freezing underneath Dean's touch but then slowly he pulls away from Dean. Blearily, he blinks up at Dean, his eyes still bloodshot, before burying himself back into Dean's chest.

"Hey Cas," Dean whispers, kissing Castiel softly on the forehead.

"Hello," Castiel murmurs, his voice soft.

"You slept," Dean says, not an accusation, just a way of telling Cas that it's okay, that him sleeping is fine, that they'll get through this. He lets his hand stroke Castiel's hair soothingly, wishing he could hold onto Cas until he stopped looking like this, stopped looking so damn defeated.

"Sam is in the shower?" Castiel looks up to him, eyes still blurry from sleep.

"Yeah," Dean whispers. He kisses Cas gently on the lips, only a small brush against them, careful not to press too hard because he doesn't want to scare Castiel away.

"Okay," Castiel murmurs, not leaning away from Dean so their lips are still brushing against each other.

Dean leans in to kiss him again, chapped lips against his, "I think me and you need to talk Cas but not when my brother is in the other room."

Castiel stares at him before nodding, looking very much like he doesn't want to talk and Dean gets why. He can't really imagine how Cas is feeling right now, especially when Dean thinks that Cas feels emotions more than humans, feels them more because he's not used to them which just makes his grief (and maybe even guilt) be turned to the maximum.

Dean forces a smile and slowly untangles himself from Castiel, "I'm going to get some clothes on before my little brother gets out of the shower. You might want to do the same Cas."

Dean throws on a t-shirt and pair of sweats under Castiel's gaze who stays lying in bed, curled up in himself, looking smaller than ever. Dean tries to ignore it, how bad Cas looks, knowing that he's going to have to sort it out and soon but not knowing how the hell to go about it. How do you fix something like this?

The bathroom door opens and before Sam enters the room, Castiel moves to perch on the edge of the bed, suddenly clothed as normal, the trench coat hanging off him. It’s only now that Dean notices how the layers made Cas seem bigger, that it's just an illusion, a safety blanket, that Cas had been small and fragile all this time and Dean hadn't even fucking noticed.

Sam raises his eyebrows at Cas, who's now just staring blankly at the wall, his eyes going hazy again, emotionless but Dean can see what's pitted underneath it, sees how much he's fucking hurting. Sam stares from Dean to Castiel for a moment before he shakes his head and makes his way to his own bed, having no idea as to what's going on, what's really happening here.

"I'm just gonna go in the shower," Dean decides, grabs his clothes and starts to walk to the bathroom.

"I'll go then," Castiel announces, voice toneless.

"No!" Dean grabs onto Cas' arm because he's not letting him leave, not when he's like this, not after what he'd said last night, "Just stay here Cas, I'll be as quick as I can okay? Just- Don't go anywhere."

Castiel stares at him but nods slowly, averting his gaze back to the wall. Dean watches him, makes sure that he's not showing any signs that he's going to flutter off as soon as Dean leaves the room before he slowly lets go of his arm. He looks up at a very confused Sam and silently asks him to watch over Cas, to make sure he doesn't go anywhere. Sam furrows his eyebrows but seems to understand because he nods once to tell him that he'll watch over him while he's in the bathroom. Dean gives him an appreciative smile before leaving them both.

Dean hardly thinks about what he's doing. He has the quickest shower possible with the thought that the longer he takes, the more chance that Cas is going to disappear. The hot water burns his eyes, leaves red marks against his skin but he doesn't care because he needs to get back to Cas, can't let him leave when he's like this.

He throws on his clothes, quickly going back into the bedroom, relaxes somewhat when he sees that Cas hasn't left, hasn't even moved an inch. His eyes aren’t even focusing on the wall in front of him anymore, like he's not even seeing what's right in front of him.

"Uh, Sam, would you mind-" Dean starts, glancing at Sam with pleading eyes, desperate that he'll get something is going on, that he needs to talk to Cas alone.

"I'm going to go get some breakfast," Sam offers with a shrug, grabbing his coat.

"Thanks Sammy," Dean forces a smile, glad that his brother, even though he has no idea as to what's going on, still understands what Dean needs, that Dean needs to talk to Cas alone. Sam smiles thinly back as he pulls on his boots and Dean can't even imagine what Sam is thinking, what could have possibly happened last night that could make Cas like this. Dean forces a wider smile but it only makes Sam frown more before he murmurs a quick bye before leaving.

Dean lets out a sigh, knowing he's going to have to explain to Sam later on what's wrong with Cas, knowing he's going to have to lie to his little brother. He's not comfortable with the idea but he'd much prefer to do that than tell him the truth, the truth that even Dean doesn't fully understand yet.

Dean sits closely next to Castiel on the bed and links their hands together, "Okay Cas, talk to me."

Castiel's shoulders slump in defeat, says weakly, "I don't know whether I can."

"Okay Cas, let's start with something a little easier. So you sleep now," Dean says, squeezing his hand comfortingly, understanding that he can't even fully comprehend how difficult this is for Cas, to have to explain to the man that he loves that he's going to die, that he's already technically dead.

Castiel nods, seemingly okay with explaining this, "Yes, for a while now. I don't need as much sleep as humans do to survive but I can sleep every night if I choose to."

"Why didn't you tell me Cas?" Dean asks softly before nudging him with a small smile, "You know I would have been happy to share a bed with you."

Castiel lets out a happy huff of air before frowning again, looking down at their linked hands as he traces patters on Dean's hand, "I'm not sure why I didn't tell you. I just- I didn't want you to know how far I'd fallen. I didn't want to be a burden."

Dean feels sick, thinks of how he had made Cas feel like this, made him think he would be a burden because he's falling, because he needs sleep. Dean had made him think this, by being a dick, by pushing him away, by treating him like a tool for those first few weeks. Dean gulps and wonders why the hell Castiel had stuck around for this long, how he could love Dean after what he's done to him.

"Cas, even if you lost all your grace, your wings, everything, you would never be a burden. Stuff like this, we get together and work through it, that's what families do Cas," Dean says forcefully, hoping that Castiel hears him, hears every word because he can't have Cas thinking like this, thinking that they only keep him around because he's useful, that he'd be a burden because he's falling and needs to do some human things now.

"Families?" Castiel asks faintly, still staring at their linked hands.

"Yeah," Dean murmurs, feeling his heart tug at the way Cas had said it, like he hadn't believed that Dean sees him like that, "So is sleep all you need or do you need to eat as well?"

Castiel shakes his head, "No, I don't have a need to eat yet but I have acquired a taste for certain foods."

"Burgers better be one of them," Dean grins, nudging Castiel again, "Or I swear I'll disown you."

Castiel finally looks at him, managing to laugh for a beat, "Burgers are one of my favourites yes."

"Good," Dean smiles, kissing the corner of Castiel's mouth, happy to finally see Castiel's face light up, even if it's just for a short moment before his face falls again.

Dean gulps, squeezes Castiel's hand, knowing he's got to say it but not wanting to, not wanting to see Cas curl up on himself again, "Now about- about the other thing."

Castiel's eyes become guarded and he looks down at their hands again, sighing, "You mean you."

"Yeah, about me, well future me or whatever you want to call him," Dean shrugs, still feeling completely weird when he thinks that another him had been walking around at the same time as him, had been  _saving_ him and his family. It's hard to sort that out in his head, to think about how his future self had been there at the same time he’d been.

"I was sent back here? By angels I'm guessing?" Dean asks slowly, wondering which of the angel shitheads had done it to him and  _why._

"Yes, I did question which angels and why but you wouldn't tell me," Castiel says tiredly, "I still don't understand why they would send you back even now, you didn't seem to be doing any angel's work, you were just saving us all."

Dean mulls that over, wonders whether the angels had only sent him back because they knew he'd die, however the hell he died. It's a possibility; the angels wanted him gone so they could let the apocalypse merrily carry on. If they knew that by sending him back he'd die, it would be happy times for them. But then again, wouldn't it make more sense  _not_ to send him back? That way he couldn't save his past self from the demons in the warehouse and he'd die anyway but that way, he'd die much earlier on his time line and they'd be killing Sam and Cas with him. The way angels work doesn't make sense to Dean  _at all._

" _Superman_  right?" Dean smiles faintly, thinking how ridiculous it is that he had unknowingly named himself  _Superman,_ "So was I the one who saved Sammy from the werewolf? Stopped you from going into that warehouse with all those demons?"

"Yes, you helped us many times," Castiel says with a faraway smile.

"And you and him, you were- you were together right?" Dean asks, needing to know but assuming that they were. They had to be. The way Cas had acted last night had to mean that they were together in every sense of the word. That's not how you react when your friend dies, that's how you react when the other half of you dies, when you lose a part of yourself.

"Not at first, but eventually yes," Castiel admits with a frown.

"Okay," he nods. Dean thinks about it, wonders when it had started, when Cas had first saw his future self, how he would have reacted, when Cas knew that Superman meant Dean, when they'd first kissed, at which point they'd furthered their relationship into something more than friendship. Had it been before or after Dean had kissed him? Before or after Dean had started pushing him away?

"So what- how did I-  _fuck,_  how did I die Cas?" Dean asks roughly because just saying it out loud makes it more real, makes him realise that he really had died, had really ceased to exist at some point in the past few months.

Castiel shudders, on the verge of a panic attack but Dean squeezes his hand tightly and makes him focus on Dean and not on what they're talking about because he can't let Cas lose himself, needs him to stay here with Dean.

Castiel gazes at him before whispering, his voice cracking "It was Lucifer."

"Lucifer?" Dean asks, his skin prickling.

"It was my fault, Lucifer tricked me. He called me pretending to be you, said you were in danger and I- I fell for it. It was just, he was in the same place that Future You was in and I didn't think Dean, I just didn't think so I went to that warehouse thinking I needed to save you but it was Lucifer, not you. And Lucifer was- he was killing me Dean but then you sauntered in, like you always do, and then he forgot about me and put all his focus on you and he- he killed you Dean, he killed you and it was all my fault, all of it," Castiel says, his voice slowly losing control before he starts to cry again, short bursts of tears trickling down his cheeks, dripping of his chin to their linked hands.

"Hey it's not your fault Cas, not your fault. You were just trying to save me," Dean murmurs, letting his fingers curl around the back of Castiel's neck, pulling him into his chest. While resting his chin on the top of Castiel's head, he thinks about what Cas had told him. Castiel had been forced into watching Dean die, had been tricked by Lucifer and by trying to save him, he'd had to watch him die. And Cas thinks it's his fault, thinks he's to blame and it's not okay, he needs to change this, to make Cas see.

He doesn't even think about the fact that he's killed by Lucifer, doesn't let himself think about that, about how the most evil being in creation had killed him, probably in the worst way possible. He suppresses a shudder because he can't make this about him, not now when Cas is like this.

Dean coaxes Castiel from his chest, holding Castiel by his cheeks softly, stares into his pained eyes as he presses their foreheads together, "Listen to me Cas,  _this is not your fault_ , okay?"

Castiel shuts his eyes, blocking Dean from his gaze, shivering underneath Dean's touch, "You don't mean that, you can't."

"Yes I do, I mean every word because this isn't your fault. This was Lucifer, not you Cas and you need to remember that. I fucking love you Cas and you need to listen to me, I don't blame you because this was  _not_  your fault."

"You don't hate me?" Castiel asks with a small voice, making Dean feel like his heart is bleeding because just the thought of Cas thinking he would hate him for this, would blame him when Cas had only been trying to save him, is enough to make him want to scream.

"Didn't you listen,  _I love you_  Cas and nothing’s going to change that, not even me fucking dying, so stop thinking otherwise," Dean says to a wide eyed Castiel.

"I love you Dean, so much," Castiel cries, throwing his arms around Dean's neck, burying himself there. Dean sighs and lets his arms wrap around Castiel's waist, pulling him in tightly. He realises that he's not going to be able to sort this out, not really. Cas is always going to be broken, always going to be thinking about how Dean dies, how he thinks Dean blames him. This is just another thing that Dean can't fix.

After a few moments of silence, Dean asks, because he has to know, "So, Lucifer kills me in a warehouse huh?"

"Yes, in a warehouse not far from Bobby's cabin," Castiel says hoarsely into his neck.

"Was that when you turned up here with the colt? When you said it didn't work?" Dean asks softly and Castiel nods. Dean's fears had been right then, Castiel  _had_ fought with Lucifer, had known the colt didn't work because he had used it against him. He tightens his hold at the thought of that and wonders how Castiel had gotten out of there alive. Wisely, he doesn't ask though, he knows that it would be the worst question to ask Cas, how he had made it out of there alive while Dean hadn't.

It explained Cas' behaviour too, why he'd been so against seeing Dean, and to some extent Sam, after that. It hadn’t been because Dean had been pushing him away (though that might have something to do with it and had probably made it all the worse), but because he'd been forced to see him die and the guilt and grief had made Cas not want to see Dean so very much alive. Looking back, Dean should have known something else had been wrong with him besides Dean upsetting him by being a dick, should have known that it couldn't just be that. Just by looking at Cas, how tired and unkempt he'd looked should have told Dean that, should have made him see.

Castiel pulls away from Dean, horrified eyes on his, shaking his head vigorously.

"Cas, what is it?" Dean asks, snapping out of his thoughts instantly.

"You wouldn't have known," Castiel says, aghast, leaning out of Dean's touch.

"Known what?" Dean frowns, desperate to hold Cas, to stop him from hurting.

"You wouldn't have known where to be or what day if I hadn't just told you. If I hadn't have said anything there would have been no way for you to know to be there at that warehouse on that day and you wouldn't have died," Castiel carries on shaking his head in horror, tears pooling his blue eyes, "By telling you, I've just killed you. This is all my fault; I might as well have killed you myself."

Dean grabs Castiel by his cheeks and stops him from shaking his head, forcing him to look at him because this needs to be stopped  _now,_ "Hey, hey, what did I say about blaming yourself huh? And if you hadn't have told me I would have found out some other way. I would have just have asked Chuck instead and he would have told me and if not, I'd have put a gun to his head till he did. You telling me when and where it happens doesn't force me to walk in there and get myself killed, that's on me, that's  _my_ choice, my choice to save you. And when the angels force me back in time I will fucking do it again Cas, not because you told me that's what happens, because it's what  _I_ will choose to do. So don't you fucking think that by telling me you have somehow signed my death warrant, that's on me, not you. Okay?"

"But Dean-"

"No, don't ' _but Dean_ ' me. Don't you get it Cas? I will fucking die for you and Sam, I will and I'll do it over and over if I have to because I am not going to let either of you die Cas, not on my watch. And if that means I have to die for you both then so be it. And I don't give a  _fuck_ how selfish or fucked up that is okay because me being selfish is going to keep you and Sam alive. And don't for one fucking second pretend you wouldn't do the same for me because you turning around and saying you wish you hadn't told me where it happens is basically you saying that you would prefer to die, to die instead of me so how is that any different to me choosing to die for you? There is  _no_  difference Cas and you need to understand that," Dean growls, feeling his own eyes water in frustration.

" _Dean_ ," Castiel croaks, his face breaking.

"When Raphael killed you, when you died so I could get to Sam, do you blame me for it?" Dean asks quickly, not just for the sake of the argument because he needs to know this, needs to see whether Cas does blame him for it, something that had plagued his thoughts those first few weeks of the apocalypse.

"No, of course not, it was my decision," Castiel gulps, his gaze not leaving Dean's.

"And what about you falling, do you blame me for that, think that I should feel guilty?" Dean asks softly because yet again, this had and still does, goes through Dean's mind, feeling guilty about it every time that something reminds him that Cas is falling, that his grace is slowly depleting. Because if Cas hadn't have rebelled for him, something that had turned out to be pointless in the end because Dean couldn't stop Sam anyway, Cas would still have all of his powers, wouldn't have to sleep, would still be able to heal and smite.

"No," Castiel replies quickly.

"Exactly Cas, so why are you blaming yourself for  _my_ decisions?" Dean asks, feeling a small part of his own guilt fade away, glad that what Cas had said also helped him with his argument to prove to Cas that he shouldn't blame himself, couldn't possibly blame himself when he had done everything in his power to stop Dean from dying.

Castiel doesn't reply, just stares at Dean, having no argument to stand on anymore. Dean sighs and lets his fingers glide against Cas' cheek slowly, Castiel closing his eyes to his touch, "I just wish you wouldn't blame yourself Cas... But I get it, I mean; I blamed myself when Sam died. I felt so fucking guilty about it when I shouldn't have, because it hadn't been my fault, not really but I just- I couldn't help but blame myself completely, you know? And you know what happened to me because I blamed myself even when it hadn't been my fault? I went to Hell. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take it back for a second because me going to Hell was worth my brother staying alive but listen to me, you blaming yourself isn't going to help anybody, it's only to break you, break us, so just promise me that you'll try and not feel guilty about this. Promise me Cas."

Castiel swallows before nodding, "Yes, I'll try."

"Okay baby, all you can do is try for me," Dean says softly, kissing Castiel's forehead.

"We're supposed to be summoning Gabriel," Castiel says and Dean knows the conversation is over, knows that Castiel doesn't want to talk about this anymore, not now he's told Dean what he had wanted to hear. Dean understands though, gets why Cas wouldn't want to talk about it, especially with the way Cas had acted last night to first admitting it to Dean. Even now he still looks grief stricken, tears still stained on his cheeks and Dean doesn't want to carry on with the conversation if it means to keep hurting Cas.

"We can summon him tomorrow. Nothing is going to change in a day and I don't think we should be summoning an archangel when we're not at our best, doesn't make sense Cas," Dean says, following Castiel's change of subject, wiping away the drying tears on Castiel's cheeks with his thumb.

"Okay, we can summon him tomorrow instead then," Castiel smiles thinly in agreement.

"Let's go to the diner and tell Sam that we're doing it tomorrow instead," Dean nods, then realises the implications of what Cas had told him, how it won’t only affect Cas but it will also affect Sam. At some point, Dean is going to be sent back and he's going to leave Sam, is going to die and leave Sam alone. Dean gulps. Instantly, he knows that he can't tell him, knows that that would only break Sam because he knows his little brother more than anyone and if his brother knew about this, something that is pretty much set in stone by the looks of it, and couldn't change it, it would break him just as much as it had broken Castiel. No, he won't do that to his brother too.

"We can't tell Sam about what happens to me because I know him, he'll try and stop it and me going back and saving your asses and me dying, it's all already happened. It can't be changed so Sam would be just trying to stop something that's happened already and I remember what it did to him when he couldn't get me out of my Hell deal and I'm not going to make him go through that shit again. It's just easier for him to not know, at least for now anyway so we don't tell Sam okay?" Dean says, only just realising by saying it out loud how definitive it is that he's going to die, that this isn't something that can be changed. He doesn't know a whole lot about angelic time travel but from watching movies, he knows that if something has already happened in the past, you can't change it and if you did, you would set off what could be a catastrophic effect. If they prevented Dean from dying somehow, it would mess up a whole lot of shit and if they tried to prevent him from being sent back to the past at all, it would cause even more shit, would completely change everything. Worse, Sam, Cas, and even himself, would be dead anyway. Him dying alone is better than Sam and Cas being pulled down with him.

"We don't tell Sam," Castiel says with a tight jaw.

"Come on then," Dean stands up, pulling Castiel up with him by his hand, trying to bring normality for them, to try and make things as easy as possible, to try and pretend everything is okay because Cas needs that, needs to see that Dean is okay, that  _they're_ okay.

It isn't until they're at the door that Dean remembers that his ring is coiled around Castiel's neck, balanced against his thrumming heartbeat. It makes Dean wonder when he gives it to him; how Cas had reacted to it, how long he'd had it around his neck before Dean had died in front of him.

"Dean?" Castiel asks with a frown, still holding onto his hand, waiting for him to open the door. Dean drops Castiel's hand and reaches for the necklace around Castiel's throat, turning it around until he can see the clasp. It takes him a while to undo it, not used to fiddling with necklaces like this seeing as he's never given one to anyone before. He puts the chain into Cas’ pocket for safekeeping, grabs Castiel's left hand and gently pushes the ring onto his ring finger and wonders if Castiel knows the significance of putting it on that finger, how big of a deal that is for Dean.

"I'm guessing you were only wearing it around your neck cause I couldn't see it right? Well now you can wear it like it's supposed to be worn," Dean smiles, shrugging.

"What about Sam?" Castiel asks, not taking his eyes off his newly decorated finger.

"Oh please, Sam probably won't even notice and even if he does he won't say anything, he's trying to be 'respectful of our relationship'," Dean rolls his eyes. He knows that Sam probably  _will_ notice, but he’ll wait till he and Dean are alone to ask and that's okay with Dean because he'll make up a lie for him. At the thought, he feels an uneasiness settle in his stomach, the way he feels whenever he thinks of lying to his brother but this time, the lie is better than the truth.

"Thank you Dean," Castiel smiles.

"You're welcome Cas. Now I don't know about you but after that I'm fucking starving so let’s go get some food," Dean grins easily, grabs Castiel's hand again and tugs him out of the motel room, preparing himself to lie to his little brother's face.


	16. Chapter 16

They have to walk to the diner, Sam having taken the impala. Dean doesn't let go of Castiel's hand once, fills the silence with what is probably nonsense, saying anything that comes to his mind just to make Cas smile, to take his mind off everything. It seems to work, Castiel smiling faintly, even laughing at times, his fingers gripping Dean's tightly like he's his anchor, like he's terrified of letting go.

When they get to the diner, they see Sam where they normally sit, the place where you can view the rest of the room and exits, tapping his fingers against the cup of coffee in front of him. Through the window, Dean can tell that he's troubled; probably putting his mind into overdrive wondering what the hell is going on with Dean and Cas. He'll have to talk to him when it's just the two of them; tell him that everything's fine, anything to make him not push the subject in front of Cas.

He drags a now smiling Cas into the diner, the door jingling annoyingly when they both walk in, Sam not noticing them until they slip into his booth, both sitting opposite him. Sam's head shoots up, relaxes when he realises it's not someone to attack him, but he's still frowning a little, probably still thinking about how Cas had been before he left.

"Hey Sammy," Dean grins, squeezing Castiel's hand under the table, still not letting go for anything.

"Hey guys," Sam says warily, looking like he's afraid that he's going to say something wrong, something that'll set Cas off or something, like he's trying not to wave the red flag in front of the bull.

"You already had breakfast?" Dean asks, grabbing the menu with his free hand, eyeing up what pancakes they have to offer, smiling when he sees that they do the sweet ones at a cheap price.

"Yeah," Sam nods, taking a sip of his coffee, still warily looking from Castiel to Dean.

"Some healthy shit right?" Dean raises his eyebrows mockingly, getting an epic eye roll from Sam, his shoulders relaxing somewhat. Castiel stays silent, still holding onto Dean's hand underneath the table, his body pressed against Dean's side.

The waitress makes her way over, a girl that Dean would probably have stared at a whole lot more if it had been a few months ago, may have even gotten her number but now it's all different. He doesn't even give her a second glance; he just makes slow comforting movements with his thumb against Castiel's hand.

"Can I take your order?" the girls asks sweetly, leaning down so her chest is on display, eyes never leaving Dean's face, giving Dean what can only be seen as an open flirtation.

"Yeah, we'll have two plates of pancakes, do you want syrup Cas?" Dean asks, nudging Cas' side, hardly taking his eyes off him.

Cas blinks, looks at Dean for a moment as if he's trying to figure out what Dean had said before nodding, "Yes, I would like a lot of syrup."

Dean grins, murmurs into Cas' ear so only he can hear, "Man after my own heart."

Castiel smiles faintly, pressing himself even closer to Dean, his eyes lighting up somewhat, though they're still not like they used to be. It’s almost like his blue eyes have dulled somehow, just another thing that Dean had broken in Cas.

The waitress stares at them for a moment before frowning; probably realising that she's not going to get into Dean's pants, saying curtly, "Okay, two plates of pancakes with lots of syrup coming up."

"Thanks," Dean smiles at her quickly before looking back at Cas distractedly, watches how he just stares at the table like it's the most interesting thing in the world.

"So," Dean clears his throat and looks at Sam, "We're summoning Gabriel tomorrow instead."

Sam's eyes widen, his eyebrows raised and he looks like he's going to question it before he looks at Cas and then just nods instead, "Yeah, okay."

And then he just goes back to his coffee, not saying another word about it and Dean wants to just get up and hug the crap out of his brother for being the best little brother in the entire freaking world. Honestly, he really needed to get him a medal or something.

Castiel squeezes his hand in what could be distress at the subject or a thank you for broaching the subject to Sam, Dean doesn't know. Dean squeezes back all the same, looks at Castiel and doesn't find the blank look that he'd had at the motel room. In fact, he looks a lot more relaxed, a faint smile on his lips.

"So, what are we going to do now then, if we're not doing the summoning today?" Sam asks, swigging the last of his coffee, his fingers tapping against the table.

Dean shrugs, "I don't know. I guess we could find the nearest laundromat, clean all our clothes."

"Yeah," Sam nods, "Sounds like a good idea to me, most of our clothes are all messed up from hunts."

Dean nudges Cas, "Ever been to a laundromat before Cas?"

Castiel frowns, "No, I can't say I have."

"Well, there's a first time for everything. It's not exactly the most thrilling experience though so don't get too excited," Dean smiles, getting a smile back from Castiel. He glances over to Sam, who's giving them a confused smile and Dean wonders what he's thinking, what he's assuming. It's probably because Cas is still here; he'd never stuck around to come to a diner with them before or even considered the thought of going to a laundromat with them. He’d always been too busy with looking for God. It's quite a difference today then, with Cas latched onto Dean's side and Sam must notice the difference, must be wondering what's changed that would make the dynamic change like this. Dean knows he's going to get a lot of questions as soon as Castiel is out of the room and he's dreading having to make things up to explain them.

The waitress comes back, clonks down two plates in front of Cas and Dean, pancakes piled deliciously high. Dean finally lets go off Castiel's hand, but not before squeezing it and then let's his leg occasionally tap against Castiel's to let him know that he's still here. Dean licks his lips, grabs a fork and starts to wolf down the food, not realising how hungry he is until he takes his first bite. Castiel is slower with his food, carefully cuts off a small slice before chewing it down. Occasionally, he looks at Dean for reassurance, his smile widening each time, making Dean relax because slowly it's getting better,  _Cas_ is getting better.

After they're both finished, Castiel taking considerably longer, licking his lips clean, making Dean glance at Sam, who is too busy looking through the newspaper anyway, before leaning over and pecking Castiel on the lips. He tastes the sugar on them and then licks it off his own lips with a smile just for Castiel. Castiel's eyes widen, looks over to Sam with a dazed smile, Dean finding his hand again and gripping tightly.

"Come on Sam, get your nerdy nose out of the paper and let's go get our clothes and teach Cas how much fun cleaning clothes is!" Dean says sarcastically, grasping the paper from Sam's grip and swatting him on the head with it. Sam gives him an epic bitch face in reply before getting up and storming to the car, already back to his smiling self when Dean and Cas get in. Dean chooses to sit at the back with Castiel, their legs resting against each other. Sam shakes his head in amusement but doesn't say anything, just drives them back to the motel to get their clothes.

Their trip to the laundromat is pretty much uneventful. Dean teaches a clueless Cas on how to use the machines, touching him way more than necessary but Castiel doesn't seem to mind. He leans into the touches with a susceptible smile, pressing the buttons on the washing machine and at one point, very nearly blowing up one of the machines through Dean being distracted by staring at Cas. The manager turns up out of nowhere, completely pissed and eyeing up some of their bloody clothes warily, as if she's trying to figure out whether she's got serial killers in her store. They decide after that that they should probably finish up quick and scarper before she calls the police or something, Dean having to drag an apologetic Castiel out of the store, whose cheeks are still red with embarrassment. Dean and Sam only laugh at his mortified expression, finding the funny side to it all, Sam shaking his head in amusement, Dean ruffling Castiel's hair affectionately.

It's only then that Dean realises that none of them have really laughed for a long time. It’s not like there's something  _to_ laugh about with the apocalypse nigh but still, it feels good to smile and laugh with the two people closest to you.

Especially when you know it's not going to last a whole lot longer.

* * *

 

"Hey Cas, you wanna go in the shower?" Dean asks.

Castiel considers it, glances at Sam who's pretending to be busy with looking in his bag before he replies quietly, "I suppose it would be wise to not waste my grace and just shower instead, especially seeing as we will be summoning Gabriel tomorrow."

"Yeah, okay, you can go in first," Dean smiles, looks back to Sam, "That okay Sammy?"

"What?" Sam replies, looking up, "Oh, yeah, that's fine, go ahead Cas."

"Okay," Castiel says, still standing there awkwardly.

"Oh," Dean says and goes to his bag, grabs a plain t-shirt and a pair of sweats, "Here, you can put these on, can't exactly wear a suit to bed can you?"

Castiel takes the clothes and gives him a small smile in return, "Yes, thank you Dean."

"No problem," Dean smiles, nudging Cas, "Go on then but don't use all the hot water cause me and Sam have got to go in as well yet."

Castiel nods, gives him a small smile before padding his way to the bathroom, carefully shutting the door behind him, the sound of the shower being turned on. Dean lets out a breath he didn't even realise he'd been holding, a breath that he'd held in all day, hell, since yesterday night. All day he'd been so busy with making Cas okay, trying so damn hard to make sure that he had been smiling, that he hadn't been thinking about Dean dying, that Dean hadn't had a chance to just  _breathe,_ to fully mull over the fact that he's going to die at some point, that he technically already had. He'd been so distracted with Cas, had been so concerned with him that he hadn't let himself even think about whether he himself is okay, whether he is coping with the idea.

"Are you okay?" Sam asks, making Dean jump, having forgotten that Sam had even been in the fucking room.

Dean looks at him, forcing himself to grin widely, "Yeah, course I am."

"Okay," Sam frowns, most likely not believing him before asking softly, "Is Cas okay?"

Dean falters, gulps before replying honestly, his voice tired, "No, not really."

Sam nods, already knowing this, not like it's come out of nowhere. Hell, Dean would be concerned if Sam  _hadn't_ noticed the fact that Cas had been completely out of it for practically the whole day and if Dean's honest with himself, Cas had obviously not been okay for a very long time.

"It's the falling thing right?"

"What?" Dean replies, tries to keep his voice steady, to not give away what's really going on here.

"Cas, he's falling hard isn't he? I mean, he's sleeping now and showering, guess it's finally hitting him right?" Sam asks, a look of worry on his face. Dean finds himself nodding in agreement, not trusting his voice because all day he'd been so fixated on how his imminent death is affecting Cas, making him broken, he hadn't even thought about how on top of that Cas is having to deal with becoming human, losing his grace, something that he's had for thousands of years, something that made Cas,  _Castiel._ How had Dean not even thought about that? Thought about how it must be breaking Cas to lose all his angelic powers, to not be connected to any of his family anymore, for his own family to be planning his death. At least with everything, Dean could always rely on Sam. He was his constant and Castiel had just had all of his constants ripped away from him, had made Dean his constant through all the shit and lost him too. Castiel had lost everything, not just Dean.

"Dean?" Sam asks softly, complete worry written on his face.

"Er," Dean clears his throat, "I've just got to get something from the car. If Cas comes out of the shower before I get back, tell him that I'll be back in a minute."

Sam starts to say something, to question Dean further, to probably demand to know what the hell is going on but he shuts his mouth and just nods, following Dean's movements until he shuts the door behind him. Dean goes to the car and opens up the trunk to carry on with the lie. He grips onto the car, his skin becoming bone white as he drops his head and shuts his eyes and tries to calm his breathing, to try and be  _okay._

"I don't-" Dean laughs humourlessly, feeling his eyes water, "I don't know why I'm doing this but I'm fresh out of options. Now, I know you don't want to be found, else you would have let Cas find you by now and I'm figuring there's got to be a reason for that besides you being a dick,” Dean smiles tiredly, “And you took me and Sam from that convent and you brought Cas back so that must mean that you actually give a shit about us, or at least want us to win. I know I'm the 'destined one', the one that you've apparently chosen to kill Lucifer and I can't- I can't focus on that if you don't make Cas okay, if you don't make Sam okay. I just want you to- _need_ you to make them okay,  _both_ of them because I can't do this without them,  _you know that._  They don't deserve to be unhappy;  _Cas_ doesn't deserve to be broken like he is right now so you better fix this, fix Cas. I don't care about me, I'll go back and I'll die, I don't care, but you better make Cas and Sam happy at the end of all this. They deserve their fucking happy ending and I swear- I swear if you don't give it to them, I don't care if I'm dead, I will fucking find you and  _make_ you give it to them, you understand?"

Dean looks up. He’s not sure what he's expecting to see, but he sees nothing apart from the motel car park, the motel sign flickering above him. Dean sighs, rubs at his eyes tiredly and murmurs, "You better have heard me you son of a bitch."

After he's rubbed furiously at his eyes for a little while, careful to make sure there are no tear tracks for either Sam or Cas to see, he shuts the trunk of his car before making his way back to the motel room. Since he's been gone, the light has been switched off making him go temporarily blind, only hearing the shower from the other room. Dean blinks, waits for his eyes to adjust to the light before realising that Cas is already in bed, a still mound underneath the covers. Dean pulls off his t-shirt and jeans after kicking off his boots, finding that he's too damn tired to wait for Sam to get out of the shower. He just wants to sleep because he needs to be at his best for tomorrow if they're coming face to face with a freaking archangel.

He slips underneath the covers beside Cas and lies on his side so he can see Castiel who is sleeping on his back, his eyes staring at the ceiling, forehead creased.

"Cas," Dean murmurs, reaching blindly for Castiel's hand, finding it and squeezing. Castiel doesn't reply, just carries on staring at the ceiling, all earlier smiles of the day gone, like they'd never happened. Dean tugs at his hand, desperate to hold Cas in his arms, to make this better but Castiel stays where is he like a slab of concrete, his angelic strength not being one of his powers that he had lost.

"Baby, come here," Dean pleads, tugging at his hand again. Castiel turns his head, stares at Dean for a moment imploringly, before letting out a shaky breath and turning his body to meet Dean, pressing against him heavily. Dean kisses his forehead and tries to erase the creased lines by his mouth, wishing he could kiss this all away.

Tightly, he wraps his arms around Cas and tugs him as close as possible. At that, Castiel tilts his head up, waits for Dean to lean down and kiss him, soft at first, like Castiel is made of glass, so easily breakable, even with the angelic powers he is still holding on to.

Castiel kisses him back, pries Dean's mouth open with his tongue, fists Dean's hair and moans into his mouth, Dean letting him take control, stroking Castiel's cheek, letting him know that he's there, that he loves him. It's not long until Dean feels Castiel's tears on his cheeks, staining them both, reminding them of what's happened between them, that nothing is okay. And suddenly Dean feels like he's suffocating so he breaks free from Castiel's mouth who tries to lean back into it, anything to stop himself from crying, to make him forget.

Dean doesn't let him and he presses their foreheads together gently after he kisses Castiel's wet cheeks, "Please don't cry Cas."

"I'm sorry Dean," Castiel murmurs shakily, his hands balled up into tight fists against Dean's chest.

"No, don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for okay?" Dean says, wrapping Castiel up to him by the waist, letting his hand slide up the back of Castiel's shirt to fall on the small of his back, to feel the heat Castiel is radiating from his skin.

Dean kisses Castiel's hair, whispers, "Love you baby."

"I love you Dean," Castiel murmurs with a cracked voice, burying himself into Dean, like he wishes he could burrow inside of him and hide away from everything, so he could be safe again. Dean wants to say more, wants to explain everything he loves about Cas, every little thing, why he never wants to leave him, why he wants him to be okay, but the bathroom door opens, signalling Sam's arrival into the room. Castiel freezes in his arms, the only sounds being their slow breathing and Sam making his way to his own bed.

Dean kisses Castiel's hair again and tightens his hold. Patiently, he waits until Castiel's breath evens out to signify that he's sleeping before he lets himself drift off, falling into an uneasy sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

Dean wakes up with his arms still carefully placed around Castiel's waist, Castiel's mouth somewhere near his neck, breathing slow puffs of air against him, his hair tickling Dean's nose. Dean sighs contently, wishing it was all as easy as this right now, that they could just be normal, no impending deaths in the air, no Lucifer to kill him. Just for him, Cas and Sam to be happy.

Ever so slowly, he unravels himself from Castiel, Castiel stirring at one point, his mouth turning into a frown before Dean kisses his forehead and then Castiel relaxes again with a sigh and lets himself be taken out of Dean's arms. After a few minutes Dean has successfully gotten out of bed. He burrows Castiel under the covers again making sure no cold air can get in. Leaning down, Dean kisses him on the forehead again and brushes back the hair there; smiling at how peaceful Cas looks when he's sleeping, like he doesn't have a worry in the world.

Dean tiptoes over to his bag and finds his clothes for the day. He can’t help but grin at how Sam is sprawled over his own bed, limbs hanging over everywhere, snoring slightly, looking like a giant child.

He gets into the shower, nice scalding hot water splashing his face and body, as he tries to get in the frame of mind for meeting an archangel today. Sure, he'd met Lucifer who's an archangel but that had been in a dream where he couldn't use all his powers against Dean. Who knows what they could do to you when you're in the same room as them. That is, if he shows up at all.

No, he has to show up. They need this, need something, anything, to give them hope and Gabriel showing up and offering them help is it, is what can get them to all believe they can kill Lucifer again, for them to not give up. Because if he doesn't show they'll have nothing and having nothing this far into the game, having no hope whatsoever will ruin them all.

When he walks back into the motel room, Sam's awake, sitting up blearily, running a hand through his hair, nodding to Dean in recognition when he sees him.

"Morning Sammy," Dean smiles, throwing his bed clothes on the chair in the corner of the room.

"You're already up," Sam says hoarsely as he rubs at his eyes.

"Yep, couldn't really sleep, guess I'm just juiced up for the Gabriel meeting," Dean shrugs, trying not to make it into a big deal, knowing full well that it's not that at all, that he'd been up pretty much all night worrying about the angel in his arms, Gabriel hardly coming into his mind at all.

"Yeah," Sam nods, letting his legs dangle over the side, grabbing the clothes from the bedside table that he'd placed there the night before, always one to plan things perfectly, while Dean just throws on whatever he finds first that’s clean in his bag.

Sam gestures over to the mound in Dean's bed, "Cas still asleep?"

"Yeah, he's quite the sleeper," Dean says with a fond smile, "Once he's out, he's out I think."

Sam smiles back faintly, "So he's not going to be happy if we wake him up then huh?"

Dean laughs softly, "Probably not. How about you go get some food and I'll wake him up. He might be less pissed if we feed him."

"Yeah, okay," Sam says, pulling on his shirt, closing the buttons before asking hesitatingly, "Does he need to eat now then, with the falling? Because he ate with us yesterday and-"

"No, he doesn't need to, not yet," Dean says stiffly because he still feels like this is a raw subject, "But he likes food and who can blame him?"

"Right," Sam nods, pulling on jean and then lacing up his boots. Dean goes to his bag and double checks that Zachariah's blade is still there because he might need it today. He knows it can't kill the archangel but that's not going to stop him from hurling it at the guy’s chest if he has to.

"Can't believe we're summoning Gabriel today," Sam says with a shake of the head, "Like  _the_ Gabriel."

"Quit being a fan girl and go get us food Sammy," Dean rolls his eyes, throwing the car keys at Sam, "Remember, this Gabriel that you apparently love so much might actually just tear us to shreds."

"I'm not in love with Gabriel," Sam huffs out, " _You're_ the one in love with an angel, not me."

Dean only grins back in reply, knowing that if he opens his mouth he'll probably blurt out something really embarrassing and gush about how much he loves Cas or some shit like that and he  _really_ doesn't want to give Sam that kind of ammunition.

Sam stills when he's at the door, his ears reddening and Dean braces himself for whatever awkwardness is going to come out of Sam's mouth, "Uh, from now on, maybe we should get separate motel rooms?"

Dean splutters out a laugh, "Maybe that's a good idea Sam."

Sam nods, his face turning a beetroot red before scrambling outside, hitting his shoulder against the door frame before shutting the door behind him. Dean laughs at how awkward his brother is, at how so very easily he can traumatise him.

There's a shuffling from the bed and a groan before Castiel's head burrows back under the covers. Dean smiles affectionately and goes and sits on the edge of the bed. Gently, he runs his fingers through the small tuft of hair that's sticking out of the covers, the only part that Dean can actually see of Cas. Castiel mumbles something, burying himself even further under the covers but noticeably shifting further next to Dean.

"Morning baby," Dean murmurs, slowly peeling the covers down so he can just about make out Castiel's scrunched eyes. He leans down and kisses his wrinkled forehead. Castiel's eyelashes flutter as he looks up at Dean, his lips slowly turning upwards into a lazy smile.

"Time to wake up Cas," Dean smiles, curling a lock of Cas' hair with a finger, "Sam's gone to go get us food."

Castiel tilts his chin up, blinking the sleep away and Dean takes the opportunity to lean down and kiss his mouth lightly. In reply, Castiel's hands pull at the nape of Dean's neck, kissing him back, tugging him so he's lying on top of him.

Dean chuckles and breaks free, "Cas, my little brother could turn up at any minute and as much as I like traumatising him, I think him walking in on this would send him over the edge."

Castiel pulls a face but he reluctantly let’s go of him and sits up with Dean, his hair in little tufts sticking out and Dean can't help but ruffle his hair with his fingers, "You have serious bed hair baby."

Castiel leans forward to rest his forehead against Dean's shoulder, letting out a content sigh, Dean's fingers stroking the back of his neck, "Not much of a morning person are you?"

Castiel huffs out a puff of air and murmurs, "No."

"Well, you're up now, you should get dressed. Get this show on the road," Dean smiles.

Castiel leans out, his eyebrows furrowed as he asks slowly, "Show on the road?"

"Yeah," Dean laughs at Cas' confused adorableness, "Gabriel, remember?"

"Oh," Castiel nods, still not looking like he understood Dean's expression but going with it, "I should get dressed, and prepare myself for the summoning."

"Sounds like a good idea Cas," Dean says, kissing Castiel's forehead before standing up. He starts cleaning up some of the clothes that are thrown across the room and shoves them into his clothes bag. Castiel, meanwhile, tugs his legs into his suit trousers, a tired frown on his face. Dean wonders whether they'll have to get him new clothes now that he's not using his grace to keep clean now. Cas can't wear that suit all the time if he's falling. Not only will it get dirty but he can't wear that trench coat during the winter or the summer can he? Dean'll have to talk about it with him at some point but he knows now isn't the best time, not with everything on Cas' mind already. He doesn't want to pile on all the shit, especially not when they've all got to keep their heads in the game at the moment. They can't lose themselves when they're going to be face to face with an archangel.

Dean watches Castiel tug off Dean's t-shirt and fumble with the buttons of his dress shirt, an exasperated frown on his face, like the buttons are something from Hell itself. Dean rolls his eyes and steps forward into his personal space, helping Castiel do the buttons on his shirt, feeling Castiel's smiling gaze on him. Dean smiles back and kisses Castiel on the forehead before leaving him to it again, smiling at how Castiel just pulls on the already made tie, endearingly backwards as always.

"Dean?"

"Hmm?" Dean hums, pushing Zachariah's blade into the back of his pants.

"Do you mind if I borrow your toothbrush? I don't- I don't have my own," Castiel says, fully dressed now apart from his trench coat that's hanging on the chair.

"Yeah, go ahead," Dean smiles, "We'll get you one when we're done with Gabriel okay?"

Castiel nods and pads to the bathroom. Dean shoves the clothes that Castiel had worn to bed into the already full bag because he figures that after the Gabriel showdown they'll be moving on from here, hopefully moving on to kill Lucifer with the archangel's help.

Sam arrives a short while later, balancing food and drinks carefully in his arms, shutting the door with his elbow, smiling at Dean and Castiel. They eat with discussion of Gabriel, of how long it will take Castiel to prepare the summoning, on what they could expect from an archangel. It's not long until they're all finished, Sam scrunching up the packaging and throwing them in the bin absentmindedly.

"Ready to go?" Dean asks.

Sam nods and Castiel smiles, "Yes."

"Let's go then," Dean smiles back, gulps back any nerves he's feeling. Castiel waits for them to all have their weapons before placing a hand on Sam's shoulder, another hand gently wrapped around Dean's wrist. Within a blink of the eye, he takes them to the building that Castiel had chosen, a building miles from any other people so if this turned sour, no one else would be stuck in the terrifying crossfire.

When they get there, Dean and Sam take a seat and watch as Castiel jumbles off nonsense words. He slices the knife against his arm, drawing small drips of blood into the bowl in front of him, making Dean wince. After about ten minutes, Castiel says the final words of the incantation, draws a deep breath before looking over to Sam and Dean.

"Now we wait?" Dean raises his eyebrows.

"Now we wait," Castiel nods, staying where he is, his fists clenched against his sides, prepared for attack.

"Maybe we should have brought a board game," Dean half jokes, waggling his eyebrows. Castiel gives him a faint smile, Sam rolling his eyes before they all go silent again, waiting for something to happen. Dean's pretty sure that if Gabriel were to turn up, he would turn up instantly, even if it's to smite the crap out of them all. But Dean stays silent, fingers tapping against Zachariah's blade impatiently, figuring they have to wait for at least a little bit in hope that he's just a little late to reply to them.

When it's been two hours, Dean's starting to slowly lose it, any patience he had had long gone, twirling the angel blade in his hand, sighing, "How long are we going to wait?"

Castiel barely even glances at him, his 'serious angel' look still plastered on his face, "As long as necessary."

Dean sighs again, louder this time because if the stupid archangel was going to turn up he freaking would have by now and he's pretty sure they're waiting around for nothing. In fact, he's a little worried as to what 'as long as necessary' means in angel terms: days, weeks, months?

Sam seems to agree with Castiel because he glares at Dean, "It's only been two hours Dean, have a little patience."

Dean rolls his eyes, " _Only_  two hours. Gabriel's a dick."

"Well, I think you're a dick too Deano," a new voice rings out.

"What the fuck," Dean growls, standing up, not really knowing what to fucking think because Gabriel looks very much like the freaking  _Trickster,_ a mocking grin curled around a lollipop and he has the freaking nerve to  _wink_ at Dean. Seriously, what the fuck?

Castiel doesn't seem to notice Dean and Sam's freak out and nods at the apparent archangel, "Gabriel."

Gabriel pops the red lollipop out of his mouth, grins wider, making Dean's head reel, "What's up bro? Gotta tell you man, when I heard you were hanging around with these two idiots I thought it was just a crazy rumour but look at you, rebelling against Heaven for the  _Winchester's._ Think you've lost it dude."

" _This_ is Gabriel?" Dean says, finally finding his voice, eyes wide, still in disbelief because he can't be Gabriel. The Trickster cannot be a freaking angel of the lord and not just any angel, a freaking archangel, one of the biggest and best ones there is. No, this can't be happening, no fucking way.

Castiel glances at him, frowning, "Yes... You know each other?"

"Yeah, he only killed me about a hundred times for kicks!" Dean shouts, giving Gabriel his best death glare and the guy has the fucking audacity to grin back at him.

"He did what?!" Castiel growls, turning to meet Gabriel's grin, his jaw clenching and fuck; maybe he shouldn't have pointed it out because he so does not want Castiel to do anything stupid here.

"Oh relax bro, it was in a pretend universe, never really happened," Gabriel shrugs, rolling his eyes and nope, this guy is the least angelic person  _ever._

"Yeah but I had to watch it all, watch my brother die in every possible way over and over," Sam shouts, seeming to find his voice too and looking like he's struggling with the idea as much as Dean is.

"Oh calm down and stop being so overdramatic," Gabriel rolls his eyes again, tilting his head to the side as he licks the damn lollipop.

"Calm down?" Sam asks, his voice rising, stepping forward, only stilling when Dean gestures for him to stop because he's not letting this  _psychopath_ hurt his brother or Cas.

"You know what  _Trickster_ or  _Gabriel_ or whatever you want to be fucking called, you can go fly off and fuck yourself," Dean growls, stepping forward, letting Gabriel put all his attention on him instead because hey, Dean dies in the past, so he's got to survive through this and Dean is more than happy in letting Gabriel be pissed at him instead of the two other people in the room.

"Castiel, control your pets or I'm going to hurt them," Gabriel says shortly, his face falling into a menacing frown and shit, this guy is an archangel and could so very easily do some terrible shit to him that didn't involve killing him.

"Okay, enough!" Castiel shouts, Dean whipping his head to meet Castiel's disgruntled face, "I have no idea how you three could  _possibly_  know each other but I am assuming that it didn't end well."

"You can say that again," Dean mutters but follows Castiel's advice and takes a few steps back to stand next to Castiel. Subtly, he brushes his arm against his so he can feel him against him, to try and let Castiel's presence keep him calm.

"Shut up Dean, you don't even remember me killing you," Gabriel grimaces before letting out an impish grin, "I wish you did though."

"Gabriel," Castiel snaps before Dean can say anything, sounding just as pissed off as Dean feels, his nostrils flaring angrily, "Why did you come here and follow my summoning?"

Gabriel shrugs, twirls the lollipop in his hand, "Well, first of all, I wanted to see whether the rumours were true about you rebelling for these two and I guess they are. Thought you were too much of a goody two shoes to do that but I suppose things have changed since I last made a visit upstairs."

"A lot has changed. The angels are not doing God's work anymore; they are using His name to advocate  _their_  beliefs. Heaven is no longer God's place," Castiel says sadly, making Dean want to wrap him up in his arms because it's not fair that Cas' home has been turned into shit, that all his family have turned against him, that Cas seems to be the only one that actually cares about humanity, cares what God would want.

"Thought as much. I guess it was gonna happen at some point," Gabriel sighs, at least having the decency to look sad about it all which only makes Dean even more pissed.

"What and you didn't think to go up there and help out, stop angels like Cas being fucking _preyed_  upon because they still wanted to do their Dad's work?" Dean spits out because this  _dick_ is an archangel, is as strong as Lucifer. He could have probably stopped this before it had even began if he'd just done the right fucking thing and sorted out Heaven when the ideas of the apocalypse had started swimming around. If Gabriel had done that Castiel wouldn't be falling, he wouldn't have lost all his family, he wouldn't have been forced to see Lucifer kill Dean and blame himself for it.

Gabriel doesn't even give him a glance, instead tilts his head at Castiel, "Seriously bro, of all the people you could have rebelled for,  _these two_ managed to sway your vote?"

"Stop it Gabriel," Castiel growls, his eyes furious, reaching out for Dean's wrist and wrapping his fingers around it. It calms Dean somewhat but it doesn’t change the fact that Dean would very much like to punch this stupid dick in the throat. Gabriel looks down at Castiel's fingers curled around Dean's wrist and his eyebrows very nearly fly off his face, looking surprised for the very first time. Dean stiffens, tries to anticipate as to what Gabriel is going to do or say, pressing himself further against Castiel protectively.

"Don't tell me you're fucking this guy," Gabriel says, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"Fuck off Gabriel," Dean grunts because this guy has no fucking right to say anything about him and Cas, no right at all and it's a good job Castiel is here, else Dean would stabbed him with Zachariah's blade, hoping that it would cause at least a little damage.

"You are aren't you?" Gabriel whistles, a smirk finding his face, "Wow, didn't see that one coming."

"I'll ask again, why did you come here apart from the intention to insult these two boys?" Castiel forces out and it's only then that Dean realises how seriously  _pissed_ Cas looks, still gripping onto Dean's wrist tightly, almost painfully, his eyes looking at Gabriel stonily, looking very much angel of the lord.

Gabriel coughs, his face falling, "You want my help to defeat my big bro don't you?"

"He has to be stopped Gabriel," Castiel says forlornly.

Gabriel sighs, "I know he does, he's not gonna stop until the whole Earth is burning and truth be told I like this planet and its annoying little humans that persevere like cockroaches. If humans are gone how am I going to have any fun?"

"Aren't you a humanitarian," Sam says sarcastically from behind them.

"Shut up Sam," Gabriel counters, glaring at him childishly.

"So you'll help us?" Castiel asks, eyes shining with hope.

"It depends on what you're asking me to do. I'm not going to fight him Castiel," Gabriel says tightly.

"Why not?" Sam demands and it's a pretty good question, that is until Gabriel returns with a stony, "Because he’s my brother even if he is a dick. If Deano here turned ugly would you be able to look him in the eye and stab him?"

Sam doesn't reply and Dean maddeningly has to understand what the archangel is saying here, that Lucifer is Gabriel's _brother_  and has been for God knows how long they've existed. Dean thinks back to when Sam had been thought to have been contaminated by the croatoan virus, when his Father had told him that he would either have to save or kill him, when Sam had turned into a demon blood junkie. Each time, Dean had flat out refused to kill him because Sam's his brother and he could never do that. Even when every sign had been pointing out that Sam couldn't have been saved, he'd locked his jaw and refused. So yeah, as much as he hates to admit it, he gets what Gabriel is saying but still, a human drinking a little demon blood pales into comparison as to what Lucifer is doing and he hopes that if Sam started going around killing innocent people for no damn reason Dean would be strong enough to pull the trigger. He suppresses the urge to shiver and concentrates on what's happening in front of him because now is so not the time to fade out.

"Give us your blade," Castiel says calmly.

"Say what?" Gabriel's eyebrows rise precariously.

"Give us your blade. An archangel blade is the only thing that we know will kill him and you are the only one willing to help try and stop him," Castiel replies.

"You want me to hand over a weapon that can kill me to you and your two humans that hate me?"

"No, I am asking for you to give it to  _me. Please_ Gabriel," Castiel asks with just the right amount of pleading.

Gabriel seems to consider it, pops the lollipop back into his mouth and hums a small tune as he paces a little. Dean gazes over to Castiel, sees how he's holding his breath, how he very much wants to jump forward and force a decision out of the angel. Dean nudges him and gives him a slight smile that he's not sure Castiel sees but the falling angel relaxes somewhat, loosening his grip of Dean's wrist so it's not as painful, making Dean relax too.

Gabriel stops to a standstill, looks at all three of them before muttering with a frown, "I'm probably going to regret this but fine okay? You can take it but I want it back when you're done with it. Don't contact me until you're finished with it or I swear I'll just kill you all. I don't want to know when or how you're going to kill him, just call me when you're done."

And with that Gabriel disappears, Dean struggling to understand what's just happened because did Gabriel, the complete and utter tool of the universe, just willingly hand over his blade to them to kill Lucifer? He turns to meet Castiel, who has dropped his wrist, eyes wide on the blade, the _archangel_ blade _,_ that's in his palm.

"Well, that was unexpected," Sam says dryly, stepping up to meet them, looking just as surprised as Dean.

"That's it right; he hasn't given us a fake one?" Dean asks, reaching his hands over to hover over the blade, thinking of how very similar it looks to Zachariah's, to Cas', but practically  _feeling_ the power radiate from it and before Castiel tells him that it's the real one, Dean already knows.

"This is it, yes."

"Well, I still think he's a complete and utter dick and a coward as well but I gotta hand it to him for giving us this," Dean shrugs, wondering what had made Gabriel agree to hand this over, wondering about Gabriel full stop, because the guy is an archangel that had ran away from Heaven, had hidden himself as a Trickster, had gotten himself involved in Sam and Dean's life last year for no damn reason, to apparently 'help' Sam or whatever and now he'd just handed over the blade to them so they could go off and kill his brother. Maybe Gabriel's not as bad as he makes himself out to be.

…Dean still thinks he's a dick though.

"I thought it would be more difficult," Castiel agrees, not taking his eyes off the blade, holding onto it tightly, "I didn't even think he would show."

"So that's what kills the Devil," Dean says slowly, doesn't mention how  _he's_ apparently the one to use this blade on Lucifer, however the hell he's going to do that, "So now we've just got to figure out how to use it on him before we all get roasted alive."

"Do you think we should maybe move in case he changes his mind?" Sam says pointedly and yeah, fair point because Gabriel hadn't exactly been joyful with the idea of passing over his blade and the sooner they get out of here, hidden by the sigils on their ribs, the better.

"Good idea," Castiel nods and without another word he presses his palms against Sam and Dean's chest and with a flutter of wings, they're back at the motel room. Seriously, as many times as they do that, Dean is never going to get used to it.

"Dude, you've really gotta start warning us before you do that," Dean's eyes widen, trying to catch his breath.

"My apologies, I'll remember next time," Castiel promises with a small smile.

"Okay," Dean can't help but smile back, pats Castiel's chest gently before making his way back to his- no,  _their_ bed, and sitting on the edge of it.

"How do you two know Gabriel?" Castiel asks curiously, looking very much confused.

"Well, we knew him as the Trickster for starters," Dean says with a frown.

"The Trickster?" Castiel replies, sitting next to Dean on the bed, Sam choosing to sit on one of the dining chairs tiredly.

"There were some weird deaths going on, we followed it up with Bobby's help. It was a Trickster and we thought we killed it but I guess now that we know it was Gabriel it's pretty obvious that we couldn't have killed him, what with him being an archangel and all. Fuck, I still can't believe he's an archangel, he's not very holy Cas," Dean babbles, still in complete and utter shock that the Trickster, the guy that had made a guy think he'd been forced to slow dance with a fucking alien, is an actual archangel of the freaking lord.

"He left Heaven centuries ago, I think he has been affected by his many years on Earth with humans," Castiel says, forehead wrinkling.

"You can say that again," Dean snorts.

"Why, did you not hear what I said?" Castiel tilts his head, looking all the more freaking adorable and it's not fair for him to do that, nope, not at all.

"I didn't mean- Never mind Cas," Dean sighs but grins afterwards, nudging Castiel in the ribs. He hopes that Castiel will always be like this, where he has no freaking idea about simple human customs and phrases.

"So where does you being killed a hundred times come into this?" Castiel asks, his nostrils flaring again, jaw clenching.

Sam sighs, "It happened in the year that Dean was going to Hell. He stuck me in some kind of groundhog's day, made me watch Dean die over and over again. He said he was teaching me a lesson, that I needed to learn how to live without him because he would be gone soon."

Dean freezes, feels Castiel do the same because at some point Dean is going to be sent back, is going to die and Sam is going to have to live without him for real this time. He’s going to have to carry on without Dean, without his older brother. Dean's going to die and leave him behind.

His phone rings in his pocket, snapping Dean mercifully out of his downward spiral thoughts. Dean gulps and forces out a grin when he sees that it's Bobby, "Hey Bobby, guess what, we’ve just found out a way to ice the Devil."

"I don't care if you've just met God and he wears a tutu and works at MacDonald’s, get your asses here now," Bobby growls down the phone and okay, not exactly the reaction Dean had been expecting.

"Why Bobby, what's wrong?"

"Demons have taken over the whole town, there are a few hunters here but we need your help boys," Bobby shouts over the sound of gunshots.

"Where are you?" Dean demands, standing up, Sam and Cas following him, eyes alert.

"Jamestown in Michigan, now get here as fast as you can, could do with all the help right about now. Get your angel to get your asses here," Bobby growls before hanging up the phone.

"Come on Cas, let’s go," Dean says, double checking the angel blade is still at the back of his jeans, frowning when Castiel doesn't immediately take them.

Castiel seems to hesitate, looking at Sam and Dean uneasily, "I don't think that would be a good idea."

"Come on Cas, Bobby wouldn't call us if he didn't need to, we have to go help them," Dean frowns because it's not like Cas to refuse to help, especially Bobby who Cas knows is pretty much the only family they've got besides each other.

Castiel frowns further but says carefully to Dean, "Okay, fine, but before we go, just remember, if a demon sees you, do  _not_ let them go, do not let them run away or leave the human they are possessing, you kill them right away."

"Why?" Sam asks, stepping forward.

Castiel gaze seems to look straight into Dean's soul, "Because those demons will go and find a way to tell Lucifer where you are and Lucifer cannot know where you are located at any given time."

Dean swallows, eyes widening when he realises what Cas is trying to tell him, that Lucifer thinks he's dead, that that's why he's been out of his dreams and if they were to let a demon escape to go tell Lucifer this titbit of information, Dean would be completely and utterly screwed.

Dean mutters uncomfortably, "Right, we don't let any demon escape once they've seen us."

"Okay, gather your weapons and we'll go," Castiel says as Sam grabs Ruby's knife, looking from Dean and Castiel patiently.

"Stick together," Castiel says, Dean and Sam nodding and then Castiel's hands are on both of their shoulders. With a quick short breath they're there, the smell of sulphur hitting Dean's nostrils, gunshots filling the air intermixed with the screams of demons and hunters. Dean looks around the house that Castiel has settled them in, eager to get out there and start killing some of the fuckers, gripping the angel blade tighter in his grasp at the thought.

"We move from one building to the next, clearing out the buildings while the other hunter's deal with outside," Castiel murmurs.

"But Cas-" Dean starts to argue.

"It's the only way we can ensure that no demon will see you and escape from us," Castiel says, cutting him off.

Dean is about to say that no, that they should go outside and help the other hunters, go and help Bobby but he knows there's ultimate flaws in that and Cas is annoyingly right, "Yeah, okay."

Castiel takes them to building after building. In some they find survivors, humans hiding out while demons ruin their town and without a word, Castiel presses his finger against their forehead and takes them to what Dean can only assume is a hospital or somewhere safe if they don't need a doctor, only disappearing for a few seconds before returning besides Dean, taking them all to the next building.

They finally find some demons in a corner shop, all scrabbling at them the moment they appear in front of them. They're clumsy, obviously not the best fighters or sharpest tools in the box and at some points in the fight, Dean actually sees some of the demons fight amongst themselves, scratching and shoving at each other to be the first to get to the fresh blood in front of them. It's obvious the demons have no idea who they are but that doesn't stop Dean, Sam and Cas killing them all efficiently, the fight almost ending before it's started, making Dean feel uneasy because it shouldn't be this easy. At some point they're going to run into some nasty sons of bitches if Bobby had felt the need to call them.

Again, they flit between buildings, finding humans cowering in closets and the like, Castiel always using his angel senses to seek them out and take them to safety. In a few buildings they find some demons, only one or two, Castiel easily stabbing them in the heart. Sam and Dean watch on, feeling a little useless.

When Castiel takes them to the town's supermarket, well, that's when it starts to get to serious business. The building is packed full of demons, a few hunters in the mix, shooting off rounds of bullets, trying to hold them off. The demons nearest to them snap their heads to meet their new rivals and Dean can already tell that these are stronger than those that were in the corner shop, more advanced and some of them look very much like they know who they're dealing with. For a moment, they all just stare at each other, the demon's eyes going black with interest, the angel and the hunters in a line formation, ready to fight.

"I thought you were dead Winchester," a demon to Dean's right snarls, head tilted in confusion.

"Yeah, well your monthly newsletters are wrong," Dean grunts and because he can't let any of these demons escape and he certainly can't let Sam hear any more of what the demon has to say, he charges forward with the blade in his hands, hearing Sam and Cas doing the same.

The fight is messy, demons doing their best to grab any piece of Dean they can, scratching at him, tugging at his clothes, at his hair, one very nearly clawing out his eyes before Dean stabs him in the neck. But there's just another demon to take over, so many of them punching and pulling. Dean growls, not letting any of these fuckers get the best of him. He ducks out of a punch, stabs one of them in the leg, shoving the screaming demon at a group of them, all of them falling over each other, giving Dean a moment to deal with the demons up close to him, shirking this way and that, stabbing the demons in the heart, neck, stomach, wherever he can, smirking at the fact that he's gotten into his rhythm, more and more demons falling at his feet. He wonders how Sam and Cas are dealing with the hordes of demons but he pushes that out of his mind instantly, knowing he can't worry about them when he's in this mess. He knows they can handle themselves.

A demon punches him in the jaw, another looking very much like he's going to actually  _bite_ him and Dean yelps, twists out of the demon's grip, stabbing him in the eye, enjoying the loud scream splintering his ear drum.

But then things start to go to shit.

A demon from behind grabs him and holds his arms tightly as Dean thrashes to get out of his grip. He kicks a demon threatening to get close before somehow squirming his way out of the demon holding him, twisting to push the blade into his heart, watching the demon fall to his knees. It's not until the demon has fallen that Dean feels it. He looks down to see warm liquid spilling through his t-shirt, realising that at some point a demon had stabbed him and he’d been so busy on the damn fight that he hadn't realised. His eyelids flutter, the pain coming to the forefront of his mind and he knows he can't fight anymore, that he's pretty much screwed so before any more demons can get to him, he stumbles off to a quiet section of the supermarket. Away from the crowds, he puts pressure on the wound that's bleeding a horrific amount, knowing that he really needs to get to a hospital because he doesn't even know how deep the wound is but he knows it's not going to stop bleeding without stitches.

He shudders, tries his hardest not to pass out, and looks around to make sure no demons notice him. The angel blade is still in his grasp, both hands bloody now and any minute he's going to collapse, his eyes very nearly rolling to the back of his head.

Dean opens his eyes suddenly when there's a thud right in front of him and he’s ready to fight to the death if necessary but it's so much worse than that. Castiel, whose hand is pressed to his chest, blood pumping out of a massive gash, collapses in front of him, Sam holding onto him tightly who, to Dean's relief, doesn't seem to have any serious injuries. It's hard to stay relieved for too long though when Castiel is looking up to him with a  pale face, sheen with sweat, blood still spurting out of the wound in his chest.

"Cas?" Dean gasps, forgetting about his own injury, collapsing to his knees beside Cas.

Castiel looks up to him, his eyes dazed before shutting them and Dean's about to yell at him to stay with him when they're suddenly transported to a hospital corridor, Castiel collapsing onto him with a thump, not even moving and Dean can't see that he's breathing, can't even tell whether he's still  _alive._

In the back of his mind, he hears Sam yelling for help, feels him grab something off Dean, something from Cas' coat before nurses and doctors alike surround them but Dean's too busy screaming at Cas to wake up, to just tell him that he's okay. Doctors turn over Cas, gently prying him from Dean's grasp and Dean carries on screaming because there's a giant hole in Cas' chest where he's been stabbed and no this isn't happening, this is _not_  happening.

He vaguely hears someone trying to calm him but he fights against them and whoever it is that's trying to hold him down, desperate to get to Cas, not even feeling his own wound and then something's being stabbed into his arm and then he's fading away into oblivion, the last sight he sees being Cas sprawled on the floor, eyes shut, a small trickle of blood dripping from his mouth downwards to his throat.


	18. Chapter 18

When Dean wakes up he feels like he's been under a steamroller, his whole body numb and in pain all at the same time, his head pounding. He hears himself groan, forces himself to open his eyes to see where the hell he is, sees Sam's concerned, though slightly bruised, face and realises that they're at a hospital and somehow Dean's fucked himself up enough to be lying down on a hospital bed. He tries to recall what happened, whatever drugs they've given him making him struggle to sort out his messed up mind.

"Dean?" Sam asks, hovering over Dean, making Dean relax somewhat because Sam doesn't look too panicked which means Dean isn't about to die any time soon.

"Sammy?" Dean asks hoarsely, his throat protesting.

"You're okay Dean, just relax," Sam squeezes his arm, a small smile on his face. And that's when his brain finally sorts it all out and he remembers what happened, their meeting with Gabriel, then the town infested with demons, how he'd been stabbed by one of the sons of bitches and oh God, _Cas_ , Cas had been hurt, had been stabbed in the chest and oh God, no, no, no-

"Cas, what about Cas?" Dean tries to shout, it coming out weakly, too weak as he tries to sit up because he needs to get to Cas  _now_ , needs to see him.

"I'm here Dean, I'm here," Castiel says to his right, making Dean swivel his head to meet the voice, very nearly crying at the sight of him. Castiel, like Dean, is wearing a hospital gown, his trench coat pulled over it, making Cas look smaller than ever. His face is white as a sheet, dark circles under his eyes, lips dry and pale, like he's lost all the blood in him and shit, he probably has. The sight of him isn't the worst though; it's the rattling noise he makes every time he takes a breath, his whole body shuddering, every now and then losing a breath, making him shake even more as he tries to catch it.

"Cas, are you okay? You were-" Dean squeezes his hand, remembers the last time he'd seen Castiel, how blood had poured from his chest, how he'd collapsed onto Dean as soon as he'd moved them to a hospital, how he'd used his last moment of consciousness to get Dean to help.

"I'm fine Dean, I'm healing," Castiel smiles thinly. He covers their hands with his left hand, tries to squeeze back but he's too weak to and Dean knows that even though Cas is healing it's obvious that he's in a lot of pain, that he should be in a hospital bed too; the guy had just been  _stabbed in the chest_  for fucks sake.

"He saved my life Dean," Sam points out softly.

"It was nothing," Castiel mutters, having to take a sharp intake of breath after saying it, his gaze looking down at his linked hands with Dean.

"Hey," Dean croaks, moves his palm to meet Cas' so he can hold it properly, waits for Castiel to look up at him before saying, " _Thank you_."

Castiel nods before lowering his gaze to their hands again; his shoulders slumped in what can only be exhaustion, still breathing shakily, like he's having the worst asthma attack possible.

"Um, I'm going to go call Bobby, see where he is, he's gotta be near now. And we kinda need clothes so we can hide the fact that you're supposed to be a patient Cas," Sam says after clearing his throat, standing up, probably being the perfect little brother and knowing that Dean wants to talk to Cas alone and fuss over him.

"Okay Sam," Castiel says, looking up to Sam and smiling thinly.

"Glad you're okay Dean, you too Cas," Sam smiles, Dean returning the smile and nodding a silent 'glad you're okay too' before Sam gives them both a final, slightly concerned, smile and leaves them to it, shutting the door behind him.

Dean turns his gaze to a shaking Castiel, squeezing his hand, "You okay baby? I was,  _shit_ ; I was worried about you Cas."

"I'm fine Dean, really, I just need to heal," Castiel smiles, tries to squeeze his hand back and fails but Cas can't fool Dean, not anymore. Dean knows that Cas isn't okay, can tell by his drooped shoulders, his shivering body, how he keeps having to take sharp, painful breaths every few seconds, his whole body heaving in shock each time.

"What the hell was Sam thinking letting you come here when you should clearly be in a fucking hospital bed yourself?" Dean mutters, wanting to sock his little brother because you only have to look at Cas to know that he should be in his own fucking hospital bed, not sitting on a shitty hospital chair and watching over Dean.

Castiel smiles faintly, "Sam said you would kill him when you found out he'd let me walk around like this. Alas it wasn't his choice. I left my room and was coming to find you when I walked into Sam and he tried to take me back but I needed to come be with you."

"You shouldn't have done that Cas, you should have stayed in bed and fucking rested," Dean murmurs, wishing that Cas would think about himself and his own welfare at some point, wouldn't keep putting Dean on top of that list instead because Cas needs to look after himself. He deserves to be okay.

"Oh," Castiel says, his face falling, making Dean's heart break a little because Cas has been just stabbed in the chest and Dean's having a go at him for wanting to see whether Dean is okay. Dean would have done exactly the same thing if he'd woken up before Cas, would have crawled on the floor to get to him to see that he's okay with his own eyes if needed.

"Don't worry about it now, glad you're here Cas and if it was the other way around, I would have got up out of this bed to come find you too. Guess we're both idiots, huh?" Dean smiles tiredly, tries to sit up so he doesn't feel as much of an invalid but his stitches pull and he falls back onto the bed heavily.

"You're not in too much pain are you?" Castiel asks worriedly and Dean can't help but smile disbelievingly because the guy that's just been stabbed in the chest is asking  _him_ whether he's okay.

"Nah," Dean grins, "I remember once when my shoulder was dislocated, Sammy had to give me stitches all across my one hand and I had more than too many bruises all over and I survived that without going to hospital. This Cas, is a walk in the park."

Castiel nods, his eyes fading away from Dean again, like they had the morning after he'd told him that he'd seen Dean die, the blue seeming to dull as his eyes go out of focus, his mouth quivering.

"You okay Cas?" Dean asks softly, relaxing when Castiel's eyes go back in to focus, blue eyes pooling into his, raw pain in them that Dean doesn't understand. He wishes he could understand and take it away from him, take all of it away.

"Seeing you like that, it was like-" Castiel starts to say, his eyes watering, "it was like watching it all over again."

"Watching what Cas?" Dean murmurs, though he can guess what he means, what it always comes down to when Cas is upset, when he fades away like this.

Castiel shuts his eyes for a moment, lets out shaky breaths before glancing back at Dean again, whispering, "Watching you die."

Dean feels his chest constrict, tightens his hold of Castiel's hand almost painfully, never wanting to let go of him. He wishes he could make this all go away, that he could take this burden away from Cas but he knows he can't. Instead, he shifts over on the bed so there's room beside him and murmurs, "Come here Cas."

Castiel shakes his head, looking down at their hands with watery eyes, "No I don't want to hurt you, you're injured."

"I don't know whether you've noticed but so are you Cas and you should be in bed yourself so either get on here or go find your own bed," Dean points out because out of the two of them, Castiel should definitely be the one in bed resting. Dean's only got a couple of stitches and can arguably move around if needs be, while Cas looks like he's about to collapse any minute.

Castiel stares at him, seeming to take things into consideration so Dean just smirks at him, knowing that this will work, "Don't make me get up and drag you on to here baby."

Castiel smiles, gets up to his feet, very nearly falls over but he grabs onto the side of the bed and half falls, half gets onto it besides Dean. Dean grabs him around the waist and gently pulls him down beside him, cautious of not to hurt either of them.

"Told you you wouldn't hurt me baby," Dean murmurs, kissing Cas' temple.

"Hmm," Castiel hums, his fingers gliding against Dean's chest, making small patterns against the shitty hospital gown.

Dean coughs, mutters, "I kinda hate my future self for making you watch me die."

"There wasn't any other way and I wouldn't have left you to die alone. You were just trying to save me Dean," Castiel replies, his hand stilling on Dean's chest and Dean's surprised to hear Cas defending Dean's future self for hurting Cas like this, for forcing him to be a complete and utter wreck.

"Yeah, well I don't hate him for that part," Dean admits with a whisper, tightens his hold of Cas' waist, pulling him in even closer.

Castiel is silent for a few seconds before murmuring, "I love you Dean."

"Me too Cas, me too," Dean replies softly, kisses Cas' damp hair, "Now try and get some sleep for me baby, it'll help you heal quicker."

"Okay but as long as you get some sleep too."

"You've got yourself a deal," Dean whispers, "Oh, and Cas?"

"Yes Dean?" Castiel asks, his eyelashes fluttering as he falls to sleep, his breathing still a mess.

"Nice coat."

* * *

 

Dean wakes again when he feels Castiel sit up and move out of his arms. He groans and blindly tries to reach out for him and bring him back, then he remembers where they are, that they're in hospital because they'd both had the shit beaten out of them. Not to mention the fact that they'd both been stabbed.

Dean groans again, wanting very much to fall back asleep with Cas in his arms and pretend everything is fine and that they're in some motel room, that is until he hears Castiel say, his breath still unsteady, "Hello Bobby, I'm glad that you made it out of Jamestown alive."

Dean's eyes snap open, wondering whether Bobby had noticed the fact that he and Castiel had not only been sharing a bed, but also that Dean had been holding onto Cas like a fucking koala. But then again, he doesn't think Bobby would care, would probably be happy for Dean for finally being happy with someone, especially during the shitty apocalypse.

Bobby doesn't mention it if he had saw and just chuckles, "Me too boy, me too. And I'm glad you idgits got out okay as well, even if two of you managed to get yourself stabbed. Call yourself hunters, ha."

Castiel turns to meet Dean’s gaze, a questioning look on his face, like he's confused as to what Bobby is saying, whether he's joking or not. Dean smirks at Bobby and winks at Castiel for reassurance, "Fuck you Bobby, we killed a hell of a lot of demons out there."

Dean sits up slightly on the bed, hiding the flash of pain he gets as he leans back on the pillows, silently wishing that Cas would lean back with him so he could feel his warmth against him.

"What do you want, a medal?" Bobby rolls his eyes, Dean pulling a face back at him, Sam shaking his head at the two of them.

Bobby looks at Dean and Castiel, asking gruffly, "You both gonna be on your feet soon enough right?"

"Yeah Bobby, we're fine, we're both stubborn bastards," Dean grins at Castiel, lets his hand find the small place of Cas' back soothingly, Castiel leaning back to his touch.

"Oh Cas, we got you some clothes," Sam says with wide eyes like he's only just remembered and holds up a bag, pulling out one of Dean's t-shirts and sweats, "Figured it's best you get out of that hospital gown as quick as possible before a nurse comes in. They're yours Dean but I figured you wouldn't mind."

"Course not," Dean smiles, liking the idea of Cas wearing his clothes, knowing they'll be slightly too big for him but finding that all the more hot because Cas wearing his clothes shows that he's his. Then he realises what Cas needing to wear his clothes must mean and he frowns at Castiel, "Your clothes are gone?"

Castiel sighs dejectedly, which is difficult to do in his condition, "Only my coat survived the attack."

"Oh," Dean frowns harder, thinks of how Cas had always worn that suit like a second skin, how that and the backwards tie had been how Dean had met him, how that awkward, tragic, accountant suit had been the embodiment of Cas and now it’s gone, just like that, probably in the trash somewhere, splattered in blood.

Dean gulps, watches as Castiel sits on the edge of the bed, taking the sweats from Sam, gesturing for him to leave him be as he pulls them on underneath his hospital gown, squirming into them. Dean winces as Cas winces, listens as Cas lets out a pained gasp as he shrugs off the trench coat.

"Here Cas, let me undo the back of your gown," Dean murmurs softly. Ignoring his own pain, he sits up more and he unties the back of Cas' gown, rolling his eyes at the fact that Sam and Bobby have turned their backs. Dean takes the gown from Cas, expertly hits the back of Sam's head, who yelps and Dean's pretty sure he calls Dean a dick under his breath as he stuffs the hospital gown into his rucksack.

Dean turns back to Cas as he tries to pull on Dean's t-shirt; stopping half way as the pain must get too much, slumping his shoulders, dropping his head.

"Come here Cas," Dean says, tugging Cas' elbow gently until Cas turns to him, bringing his legs back onto the bed and crossing them. Dean tries to ignore the incessant amount of bandages on Cas' chest, wondering how horrific the wound had been, still is. He shakes his head, tries to take it from his mind as he gently pulls Cas' arms up. He pulls the t-shirt over Cas' head, guiding his arms through the arm holes as quickly as possible, Castiel sighing in relief when it's over.

Castiel smiles at him, eyes tired, "Thank you Dean."

"You're welcome Cas," Dean says softly, then looks at the backs of Sam and Bobby's heads and rolls his eyes, "You can look now, the angel is dressed again."

Sam and Bobby turn back around, Sam's face is beetroot red which is ridiculous because it's not like Cas had been freaking naked. Dean narrows his eyes at him which makes Sam blush even more as he makes his way to the hospital chair, Bobby sitting on the other one. Castiel tries to get off the bed too but Dean stops him, gently clasps Cas' wrist and tugs at him to come sit back with him. Castiel sits back, grabbing onto Dean's hand weakly, Dean squeezing back. Dean sees Bobby's raise his eyebrows but he doesn't say anything, just shakes his head and smiles. Yeah, Bobby's obviously fine with the whole gay romance with an angel thing.

"So what was with all the demons?" Dean asks, holding tightly onto Cas' hand as he looks at Bobby.

Bobby's smile drops, turning into a frown, "It's happening all over the damn place, demons taking over towns, not just in America either, all across the world. Other things are going crazy as well, doing things that they wouldn't have dreamed of doing before, ghosts, werewolves, you name 'em. You just have to turn the news on and you see them all. Course, the news say stuff like towns are getting infected with an illness, some bullshit like that because I guess it’s easier for people to buy that than the truth that demons are possessing the poor bastards but you only have to turn the news on and it's right there. I don't know, it's like the apocalypse has set them all off."

"Its cause they've got nothing to lose anymore. There's only so many hunters to go around and I bet they figure, end of the world, might as well go out enjoying themselves seeing as they're going to die anyway," Dean says, tries not to think about how many people have died because of the apocalypse because that would just make him want to jump out of the window. No, they had a way to stop this now; they  _would_ stop this and save a hell of a lot of people, that's what Dean needed to focus on.

"It won't stop till the Devil's dead," Sam sighs.

"Didn't you say over the phone that you'd got a way of killing Lucifer?" Bobby grunts.

" _Fuck._  The blade, we still got it right?" Dean demands, feeling like his brain is about to explode because Cas had had the blade and then he'd been stabbed and oh fuck, they couldn't have lost it, please let them not have lost it, not their only hope.

"Yes," Sam nods and Dean exhales, feeling his whole body deflate next to Cas.

"What blade?" Bobby asks with narrowed eyes.

"An archangel blade is the only way that I know is possible to defeat another archangel," Castiel murmurs, having to take about fifty painful intakes of breaths between each word.

"So why the hell did you wait this long to get one?" Bobby shouts.

"Because," Dean grits out, squeezing Castiel's hand to make sure he doesn't take what Bobby says to heart, he doesn't want Cas to blame himself for yet another thing, "All the archangels are up in Heaven wanting Lucifer to fuck the world up so none of them would give it to us. But Cas remembered that Gabriel abandoned Heaven a couple of centuries ago. He didn't even know whether he was still alive or not but we had a go at summoning him, had some words and he agreed to give us his blade to kill the bastard."

"Why doesn't Gabriel just go kill him himself?" Bobby frowns, "That would be easier right?"

"Remember the Trickster? The one that was messing with me and Dean?" Sam asks.

"Yeah, I remember him, what the hell has that got to do with this?"

" _He's_ Gabriel," Sam says.

"Well, shit, I wasn't expecting that," Bobby says with wide eyes, shakes his head as he fiddles with his hat, pulling it further down his head, sounding just as surprised as Sam and Dean are at the news, "He really an archangel?"

"Yup," Dean nods.

"Huh, so the killing the Devil thing is really down to you three?"

"Yup," Dean replies with a smile.

"Well then, we're screwed."

"Hey, fuck you, I'll have you know that I'm written as prophecy or some shit to be the one to kill him so shut the hell up," Dean smirks, though inside his brain he's having a major freak out because fuck, they have the blade and a way to kill him and Dean is going to have to be in the same room as that fucking dick and if he could do all that shit while in Dean's noggin, he has no idea what he's going to be able to do in the real world. And not only that, what if he fails? What if he just fucks it all up?  _No, shut up brain._

"Hmm," Bobby mutters, "And look at you now princess, all bandaged up in a hospital."

"Well, I guess the whole killing Lucifer thing is going to be delayed," Dean mumbles, shuffling uncomfortably.

"It would be unwise to even think of fighting him when you are not of full health," Castiel says beside him.

"Yeah, so for now I guess we hide out and wait until I'm ready to take him on?" Dean asks with raised eyebrows.

"Yes."

"You can stay at my house," Bobby offers with a sniff.

"We can't, your house is angel proofed and we've got Cas," Dean says because he is not letting Cas leave his side, especially when he's completely and utterly fucked up with his chest. Cas needs to rest, arguably more than Dean does.

"How about my cabin?" Bobby asks.

"No!" Castiel shouts, managing to shout through his broken chest before spluttering for breath, his eyes panicked.

"Why the hell not?" Bobby frowns.

"The angels might know about it, know that it's yours. Or some demons might now. Hell, loads of hunters know of that place and all it takes is for one of them to tell the wrong person and we could be surrounded by angels, demons, the whole shebang, and then we're screwed," Dean answers for Cas, squeezing his hand. He knows what Cas is thinking about now, why he can't go back to that damn cabin. Dean remembers that Cas had said that Dean had died not far from there and Dean can only assume that he had stayed there with a visiting Cas until he'd died. He knows why Cas can't go there and no way is Dean going to make him.

"Then where are we going to stay?" Sam asks, looking at Cas concerned.

"We can go stay with Chuck," Castiel says, no longer coughing, managing to wheeze out, "No one knows of that place apart from us so no one will be able to find us. It's in a remote location, no passing demons or angels would possibly see us. It's the perfect spot until we recuperate."

"Don't you think he'll mind, us getting up in his space like that?" Sam asks dubiously.

"The place Cas set him in his freaking huge! And besides, he's probably prophesied this whole conversation and don't you think that if he had a problem with it he would have called us to let us know and say that we can go fuck ourselves?" Dean asks, eyebrows raised, "Besides, he kinda owes us about the whole me and Cas getting stabbed thing."

Sam sighs, "Yeah, okay, when they discharge you we'll go to Chuck's."

"Well that's settled then," Dean grins, "Now, any other business we need to sort out?"

"No, I guess not," Bobby shrugs.

"Good, now let me and Cas sleep," Dean orders, desperate to sleep, to forget about all the shit that's going on, to just have it be him and Cas and pretend everything is okay.

Sam stands up as Bobby rolls his eyes, "Sure, we'll let you get some rest. I better be getting back home anyway now that I've brought your precious car to you. Hunters need as much help as they can get right now."

"Okay, bye Bobby," Dean smiles, sad to see Bobby go but knowing he needs to.

"Don't get yourself stabbed in the meantime you idgits," Bobby scowls, making Dean smile at how backwards Bobby shows his affection. Dean waves weakly until him and Sam have left, Sam shutting the door behind him, his back to the door.

"Come here baby," Dean murmurs, lying back down on the bed, opening his arms as Castiel falls onto him gently, his head resting on Dean's shoulder, his arm balanced lightly on Dean's waist. Dean pulls him in tighter, kissing the top of Castiel's head.

"Sometimes I can't interpret what Bobby is saying, whether he actually likes me or not," Castiel notes quietly, talking quieter probably doesn't hurt as much.

Dean chuckles, "Yeah, well he's kinda tough to understand if you don't know him but don't worry about it, he likes you."

"How do you know?" Castiel looks up at Dean, eyes wide.

Dean grins, "Because he's just insulted you about ten times and called you an idgit. That's Bobby's way of saying welcome to the family."

"Oh," Castiel murmurs, drops his head back to Dean's shoulder, "Humans are very confusing."

"Don't I know it baby," Dean laughs because that right there is the understatement of the century, "Now go to sleep, we can worry about the apocalypse tomorrow."

"Okay," Castiel yawns, shuts his eyes and buries himself further into Dean, kissing his neck. Dean smiles and kisses Cas' hair. He stays awake for a little while to listen to Cas' uneven harsh breathing before slowly drifting off himself against his own will, mouth still pressed into Cas' hair.

* * *

 

Dean wakes up a little while later, throat aching for a drink, not having a clue as to how long he's been out because the hospital room has no windows which is weird in itself. Castiel is still snuffling against his neck, his breathing slightly better than earlier but still completely wrong, not even half as to what it should be. Dean tightens his hold of Castiel and sighs, wishing Cas would heal up already so Dean could breathe and not feel guilty, so Cas wouldn't have to be in any more pain. But even when his chest heals up, he's still going to be in pain, is still going to be thinking about how Dean dies and Dean can't stop that, can't make it all better.

Dean sees movement in the corner of his eye, Sam talking to a nurse outside his room. Dean’s barely even able to see him through the blinds on the door but he watches as Sam talks animatedly, smiling as the nurse walks off. Dean waits until Sam turns to look at Dean and Cas before mouthing him to come in. Sam seems to hesitate before walking in, shutting the door behind him quietly.

"Hey," Sam whispers. "What's up?"

"Sammy, can you get me a drink?" Dean croaks.

"Sure," Sam nods, goes to the side of the bed and pours some water into a disposable cup. Dean loosens his hold of the angel, pulls him off his shoulder so he can sit up, wincing at how his stitches stretch. Gently, he places Castiel back against his chest, Castiel instantly cuddling up to him with a sigh, bunching up the fabric of Dean's hospital gown in his fist.

"Thanks Sammy," Dean murmurs, takes the cup from Sam's hold and downs it, passes it back over to him as he leans back onto the pillow, "What did the nurse want?"

"Oh," Sam says, still standing, "She said that you'll be discharged tomorrow but you'll have to turn up in six days to get your stitches out though."

"Right," Dean nods, "So that means we've got to wait at least six days before we can get the whole Lucifer killing thing happening then?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Sam frowns, "Oh, and I let Bobby take the impala."

"Wait, why?"

"Because we're going to Chuck's, can't exactly lug it over to Hawaii can we? Its better if Bobby has it," Sam says with a small smile.

"Why didn't I think of that?" Dean frowns, quickly looking down when Castiel shifts in his hold, murmuring something incomprehensible into his chest.

"It's been a long day Dean, that's why," Sam says with a tired smile, glancing over at Cas, "Look I'll leave you to it."

"No Sam, sit down," Dean orders quietly.

"Shouldn't you be resting though?" Sam narrows his eyes, picking at the plastic cup in his hand.

Dean rolls his eyes, "There's only so much sleep one man can do. Just sit down but talk quietly because I don't want to wake up Cas."

"Okay," Sam says, quietening his voice even more, sitting down on the green plastic chair, eyeing Castiel warily, "How is Cas?"

"I don't know," Dean murmurs, his hand finding Cas' hair, running his fingers through it carefully, "His breathing is a little better so I think the sleeping is doing him good."

"Okay," Sam smiles, "That's good then."

Dean looks down at Cas and asks quietly, his voice barely a whisper, "How bad was he when we first got here?"

" _Dean,"_ Sam starts, "It doesn't matter how he was, he's going to be oka-"

"Tell me Sam," Dean commands, "And don't fucking lie to me."

Sam sighs, his eyelids drooping like he's afraid to look Dean in the eye as he says it, "Pretty bad. They did surgery on him but they said- they said they didn't think he would make it."

Dean takes a sharp intake of breath, buries his face in Cas' damp hair, willing himself not to cry so he doesn't wake him. Small tears threaten to escape as he thinks of life without Cas, thinks about how close Cas had been to dying, to being yet another broken body left behind.

"Hey, but he's okay Dean, he's going to be fine," Sam soothes, reaching out and tentatively, he places a hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean feels himself nodding in reply, not loosening his grip of Cas, burying himself even more in Cas' hair as the tears start to fall.

"Hey Sammy, you were right before, I'm really tired and need to rest so can you-" Dean gulps, biting his lip to try and make himself stop crying.

"Yeah, okay, I'll check in on you later to see if you want anything," Sam says, standing up, patting Dean's shoulder again before murmuring at the door, "You're both going to okay Dean,  _both_  of you, cause you've got each other to keep going."

"Yeah," Dean nods, looks up at Sam and smiles thought the tears, getting a concerned smile back, "Thanks Sammy."

"Hey, it's what little brothers do," Sam shrugs.

"Besides being annoying," Dean points out with a shaky laugh. Sam rolls his eyes and pulls a face before shaking his head and leaving Dean and the sleeping angel alone, shutting the door behind him. Dean's hands stroke through Cas' hair, pulling him tighter to his chest as he lets out shaky breaths. He shuts his eyes and lets himself just focus on the angel in his hold, never wanting to let go.


	19. Chapter 19

After Sam's revelation that Cas would have died if he hadn't still got some of his grace swimming around, Dean finds it difficult to let go of Cas for even a second, terrified that if he lets go Cas will disappear or die on him. He makes sure that his arm is always wrapped around him while Cas sleeps, their fingers entwined on Dean's chest or a hand in Cas' hair soothingly. Castiel doesn't mind or notice, too busy with sleeping deeply on Dean's chest, slowly but surely healing. He occasionally wakes, looks up at Dean blearily like he's trying to stay awake but his eyelids always end up fluttering shut and he's out like a light again.

Even when the nurses come in to check on Dean, he still doesn't let go of the angel, telling the nurses that they'll have to work around Cas which some of the nurses get a little pissed off with but they follow his orders anyway. It's a close call when one of the nurses seems to recognise Cas for the guy that had come in with them, y'know, the guy who'd had to have freaking chest surgery and then disappeared right after it. Thankfully Sam's there to intercept and say that the guy that they'd come in with had just been a stranger who'd been caught in the fight with them and the guy currently snuggling up to Dean had no affiliation with said stranger. The nurse seems confused for a moment but brushes it off quickly, obviously thinking that it would be crazy for a guy that had just had major surgery to look seemingly okay. Still, it had been a close call and Dean wants to get out of the damn hospital as soon as possible, too many shitty memories entwined with hospitals for him: his father dying, after he'd been nearly killed by Alistair and now this, Cas nearly dying after being stabbed in the chest.

It's the next day after the nurse has come to check on him yet again, telling him that he and his husband are cute (which makes Dean splutter awkwardly, very nearly waking up Cas in the process before replying with a weak thank you, looking down at the matching rings on both of their hands), that Sam walks in with a broad smile, pulling clothes out of a bag and dropping them next to Dean on the hospital bed.

"I'm free to go?" Dean asks.

"Yep," Sam grins.

"Finally," Dean grunts, a bit too loudly as Castiel stirs beside him, his forehead crinkling as he looks up at Dean.

"Dean?" Castiel croaks.

"Hey baby," Dean murmurs, ignores the small choked sound from his left, letting his fingers smooth out Castiel's wrinkled forehead, "Guess what? We can finally get out of here."

Castiel smiles, his eyes lighting up for a short moment as he slowly pulls away from Dean. He sits up and finally acknowledges Sam's presence with a short nod, then glides his fingers through his already messy hair as he lets out a shaky sigh.

Sam smiles at the two of them as he makes his way back to the door, "I'll, er, leave you to get dressed. Oh and Dean?"

"Yeah?" Dean asks, swinging his legs off the bed. Slowly, he takes his fingers from Castiel's wrist, watching him carefully to make sure that he's okay. Listening to his breathing, Dean notices that it's a little better. Castiel isn’t gasping for air anymore, his shoulders no longer shaking.

Dean finally looks up to Sam's impish grin, "You're injured right now but when you feel better I am  _so_ going to mock you over the whole 'baby' thing."

Dean glares at Sam as he quickly runs through the door, shutting it behind him, Dean shouts after him, "Fucker."

Castiel glances at Dean with a questioning frown, probably wondering why calling someone baby is embarrassing or something and Dean's not really in the mood to explain why so he just shakes his head with a small smile. He leans over to kiss Castiel on the mouth before jumping off the bed and slowly pulling the sweats on, grunting at his stupid stitches. Castiel silently watches him, fiddling with the blanket still covering him as he smiles thinly at Dean who's trying to tug off the stupid fucking hospital gown.

Castiel raises his eyebrows, his smile widening, "Do you want me to help you?"

"Yeah, okay," Dean sighs, waits for Cas to sit on the edge of the bed before turning his back on him. He lets Castiel untie the back of it, him kissing the back of Dean's neck once he’s done. Dean sighs and turns so he's back to facing Cas, the angel's arms wrapping around his waist, a small frown on his face as he looks at the bandage on Dean's abdomen. Dean kisses him on the lips to take the frown away before disentangling himself from Cas' hold so he can pull on his t-shirt.

"Are you going to be okay with taking us to Chuck's?" Dean asks as he realises Sam hadn't brought him any socks or shoes, probably because he doesn’t need them if they're going to Chuck's. Sam's going to make him go straight to bed as soon as they get there anyway.

Castiel tilts his head at him, "Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"Because you're injured," Dean points out with a frown and goes back into Cas' personal space, standing between Cas' dangling legs. Instantly, Castiel puts his arms around Dean's waist again, gently pulling him closer.

"Dean, it's fine," Castiel says with a sigh but Dean can see how pale he still is, the dark circles under his eyes still there even though he's done nothing but sleep for the past twenty four hours.

"Are you sure because you're hurt and I don't-"

"Dean, stop fussing," Castiel interrupts with narrowed eyes, "It may slow my healing process for a little while but other than that I will be fine."

Dean bites his lip. He wants to argue back more but he knows that he's not going to get Cas to change his mind and they really do need to go to Chuck's and if Cas says he'll be fine, he's going to be fine. Dean nods, tugs at Cas' arms until his hands are balanced on his lap, entwining their fingers together. Slowly, he leans over and kisses his forehead. Castiel sighs and leans into him, resting his forehead against Dean's chest, Dean letting his one hand glide through Castiel's hair.

There's a knock on the door making Castiel lean out of Dean, both of them turning to look at a very sheepish looking Sam entering, "Uh, hey, you guys ready to go?"

Castiel nods, Dean stepping back from Cas, helping him get off the bed, holding tightly on to his hand to stop him from falling. Sam walks up to them, two bags hanging over his shoulders, a mix of weapons and clothes.

"Zap us away Cas," Dean smiles, Sam nodding in agreement as Castiel places his free palm on Sam's shoulder. He takes a deep breath in and takes them to Chuck. As soon as they get there, Castiel gasps, falling heavily to Dean, Dean wrapping his arm around Castiel to steady him, "Dammit Cas, you said you'd be fine."

" _I am,"_ Castiel growls, not with much conviction as he buries himself in Dean's neck.

"Um, hey guys," Chuck says, looking awkwardly at them all, concern burrowing on his forehead as he sees the near unconscious Cas.

"Hey, love to chat but Cas is about to collapse," Dean grunts, ignoring Castiel's murmurs of disagreement as he slowly starts to drag them both away, hoping he'll find a bedroom sooner rather than later. As a second thought, he shouts over his shoulder, "Thanks for letting us get stabbed by the way!"

"I didn't see it in time!" Chuck shouts back, "I called Sam as soon as I saw it but it was too late!"

"I was kidding Chuck," Dean yells back with a chuckle. Sam had already told him about Chuck not seeing the stabbing until after it had happened so Dean had found out he couldn't exactly be pissed at the prophet for something he hadn't even saw yet to warn them about it. It worries him a little that Chuck is starting to see things too late but Dean pushes it to the back of his mind, the angel in his arms being priority right now.

He finally finds a bedroom (which is fucking  _huge_ by the way) and hauls Cas into it, not even caring if it's Chuck's room, gently perching Castiel on the edge of the bed.

"Dean, I'm fine," Castiel mumbles.

"Yeah, sure you are," Dean rolls his eyes, tugging at Cas' coat, "Take your coat off baby."

Castiel grumbles something but lets Dean take off his coat all the same, throwing it to the side, "Now lie down and  _rest."_

"Fine," Castiel sighs, drops down on the bed, his hand reaching out for Dean. Dean instantly takes his hand as he gets on to the bed too, pulling the blanket over both of them. Castiel wastes no time and burrows into him, Dean wrapping his arms around Castiel, holding him tightly to his chest. Castiel lets out a content sigh, his head resting on Dean's heart, his hand sliding underneath Dean's shirt to feel the warmth of his skin, nearly tickling Dean as his fingers glide up to Dean's chest.

"Holy shit, this bed is comfortable," Dean sighs, his fingers trailing up and down Cas' back. Castiel murmurs something in agreement, tilts his chin up and Dean automatically leans down and kisses him gently, getting a tired smile from Cas in return.

"I wish we were in Hawaii as a holiday and not a place we're holed up in because we need to rest before we take on the freaking Devil," Dean mutters, "We deserve a holiday dammit. Wait," Dean realises aloud, "I'm guessing you've never been on holiday, am I right?"

"No, I haven't," Castiel shakes his head, "I'm not quite sure what it entails."

"You know," Dean nudges him, "Going somewhere, forgetting all the shit that's going on and enjoying yourself. It tends to include being really really lazy, sometimes includes a beach, and lots and lots of alcohol. Well, at least I think it does, I've never really been on one myself except when I was a kid."

"When I first came to Earth," Castiel murmurs, "I suppose I thought that would be some kind of holiday, perhaps not your definition, but I thought I would have time to enjoy my new surroundings. I was excited to see humans with my own eyes. I knew I wouldn't be allowed to interact but I was excited all the same. I wanted to see humans, try and understand them, to see all of God's creation and fully appreciate it. I had watched humans for so long, watched them from Heaven but being on Earth meant I would be with them, I would be  _among_ them. I was disappointed, I was given task after task while on Earth, menial things that stopped me from having just one moment to take in Earth, one small moment, that was all I was asking for, but I wasn't given it and before I knew it I was sent back to Heaven."

"That sucks Cas," Dean says, not really knowing what to say to that because it's all so  _big_. It reminds him that Cas is an angel, that he has lived for so many years that Dean can't even fathom and the fact that this angel who has lived for so long, who had been excited to see humans, God's creation, in the flesh, who had literally broke ranks for those humans, for  _Dean,_ is being held in his arms right now makes it difficult for Dean to breathe.

"It was just before I met you, before I came to get you from the bowels of Hell," Castiel continues, fingers tracing lazy patterns on Dean's chest, "The Garrison wanted us to set foot on Earth beforehand, to know what it felt like before we came to release you because they knew that we would be on Earth a lot more after that, would be communicating with humans, namely you. I think they thought it would make us understand humans more, to understand all your intricacies. But," Cas smiles faintly, "by being in your company, I think it is fair to say that that plan didn't work, we were just as clueless as before."

"Wait, are you saying that you'd never been on Earth before that?" Dean frowns.

"Yes. There was no reason for me to have been stationed on Earth before that," Castiel replies simply and Dean thinks about how strange it must have been for Cas, for all the angels, to be put on Earth just like that, with only slight ideas as to what humans were like from their observations, probably all of it wrong.

"Weren't you scared? I would have been shitting it," Dean says honestly.

Castiel lets out huff of air, his voice getting quieter with each word, "I was scared that I wouldn't be able to fulfil my role, that I would fail in saving you."

Dean kisses the top of Castiel's head, his voice matching Castiel's quietness, "Well, you saved me Cas, still do, you never really stopped."

Castiel frowns into his chest, "I haven't saved you from demons or anything alike for a long time."

"That's not what I meant Cas," Dean bites his lips and murmurs into Cas' hair, "You save me just by being here."

"Oh," Castiel breathes out, silent for a while before murmuring, "I love you Dean."

"Yeah, love you too Cas," Dean smiles, never quite getting over the fact that Castiel _loves_  him, that even after everything he still loves him, chooses to be beside Dean, chooses to kiss him and lay down with him, to tell him these stories and not anyone else.

"Tell me about your holiday," Castiel says randomly, looking up at Dean, blue eyes looking a lot less dull than they had yesterday, a clear sign that he's slowly healing. If Dean were to ignore the ragged breathing and the dark circles under his eyes, Cas would look like he always had apart from the disappearance of Cas' suit and backwards tie (Dean really needs to get him a new suit so he can have that damn adorable tie on backwards again, he misses it).

"Wait, what?" Dean frowns, eyebrows furrowing.

"You said you've only had one holiday, when you were a child," Castiel points out, frowning back like Dean is an idiot.

"Oh," Dean smiles, "Yeah, it had been Sammy's eleventh birthday and my Dad had forgotten, kinda like he always did and he was off on a hunting trip anyway. I think he was after a nest of something or other, I can't remember.

“Anyway, he'd left me to look after Sam and I wanted to do something for his birthday, just to make it good for him and so he wouldn't be too upset that Dad had forgotten, you know? So I had this dumb idea to take him to this carnival I'd saw an advert of a couple of days ago. Turns out, it had moved on but I was so determined to take him there so I grabbed all our things and spent God knows how much on buses to get us there. Sammy had been really excited and the carnival was pretty shit to be honest but we made the most of it. We went on all the rides, had as much junk food as possible which made Sam sick on one of the rides, all over my fucking shoes too.

“We stayed at a motel for the night, had even more junk food. I remember I had to give the motel owner more money because I was so obviously not old enough but he still let us have a room. And then the next morning I realised that we'd spent too much of our money and that we were basically fucked because we had enough money to get the buses but that was it so we ended up walking back. It took  _hours_  but we had to do that so we'd have enough money to buy food when we got back.

“And then two days later Dad came back and he was none the wiser, didn't even notice the fact that I'd spent all the money he gave me, just handed me more and we were off again," Dean frowns, "I guess looking back on it, it was a pretty shit holiday but hey, Sam enjoyed it and it made him forget for a while, you know?"

Castiel looks up at him and smiles, eyes warm, "You're a very good brother Dean."

Dean chuckles, "Yeah, I like to think so."

"I wish my brother's had been half of what you are to Sam," Castiel murmurs, "And what Sam is to you."

Dean feels his heart literally break at that. It makes him want to burrow Cas into him and never let go, to take that forlorn, broken look from Cas' face and make it go away forever. He thinks about all the brothers and sisters Cas has, more than Dean could probably comprehend and how every single one of them had turned their back on Cas because he had seen something in humanity that they didn't. None of them had tried to understand, none of them had tried to listen. They had all just cast him out and were prepared to kill him. Just because he's a little different to them.

"You know," Dean clears his throat, "Sam sees you as a brother now."

Castiel's face lights up making Dean's heart constrict, "He does?"

"Yeah, you're family Cas," Dean smiles, "It's funny, I think he sees you as a little brother even though you're  _way way_ older than him."

Castiel lips quirk upwards at that before saying seriously, "I see him as a brother too. You and Sam are my family now."

"Yeah," Dean smiles in agreement, kissing him gently on the mouth, "Tell you what, after we sort all this apocalypse shit out, how about me, you and Sammy go on holiday somewhere?"

"I would like that," Castiel smiles, "Perhaps- Could we go to a carnival, like you and Sam did?"

Dean laughs, "Course we can baby, we can go wherever you want us to."

They stay awake for a little while longer, both telling stories. Dean’s are mainly about him and Sam when they were younger, the dumb things they did when they were alone, how Dean would swindle money so he could treat Sam more, buy him new clothes or treat him to a better dinner, anything to make Sam be happy. Castiel's stories are more vague, none of them about him in particular or anything he had done in the past, rather stories of what he had witnessed of Earth from Heaven, funny assumptions he had made of humans before he had actually interacted with them, making Dean laugh.

Still, they can only talk for so long before Castiel's breathing starts to get worked up, like talking too much makes his wound worse so Dean takes over. He murmurs short stories while stroking Cas' hair, stopping to a silent halt when Cas finally sleeps, Dean following in his footsteps when his eyelids flutter shut, face buried in Cas' hair.

A few hours later he's woken rather abruptly when Castiel pulls out of his grasp roughly, bringing Dean out of his dreamless sleep quickly. Dean flashes open his eyes to see Cas sitting up, his back to Dean, rocking back and forth, the sound of his heavy breathing and what sounds like crying filling the air.

"Cas?" Dean asks slowly, getting no response back, making him go into full alert straight away. He scrambles on the bed to sit in front of Cas, feeling his heart jump into his throat when he sees what state Cas is in, barely breathing, tears making tracks down his cheeks, eyes shut, hands clamped against his ears and he's still rocking. Painfully, it reminds Dean of how he'd been when Lucifer had 'killed' Cas in his dream and he knows it's going to be hard to get him out of this.

"Cas?" Dean asks, slowly but surely letting his fingers rest against Cas', scared to make any sudden moments, not knowing if Cas is fully awake or not, doesn't want to spook him and make him lash out or disappear on him, "Cas, it's me, it's Dean."

Castiel still doesn't reply but he lets out a low whine as he continues to rock, shaking his head which means that he can hear him, which means that Dean can get him out of this.

"Come on baby," Dean murmurs, clasping onto Cas' hands and slowly, he starts to pry them away from Cas' ears. Castiel lets him, either because it's useless to hold them there because he can still hear Dean or because he doesn't want Dean to get hurt trying to move them, Dean's not sure. It's the least of Dean's worries when Cas suddenly stops breathing, holding his breath, eyes still shut tightly.

"Breathe for me Cas," Dean pleads, trying very hard not to panic because Cas needs him to stay calm, "You're okay, you're okay, you just need to breathe for me."

Castiel shakes his head again, gripping onto Dean's hands tightly, very nearly breaking bones and he's still not breathing and Dean's so very close to panicking because he doesn't know what to do and Cas is still injured with his heart and now he's not breathing and oh fuck, what's he supposed to do?

"Look at me Cas," Dean tries a different tactic, desperately trying to stop his hands from shaking in Cas' hold, "Just look at me and I'll help you through this okay? Because you're okay Cas, we're both okay, everything is fine."

Castiel lets out another whine and he takes a quick short gasp of air before he stops breathing again, getting red in the face as he continues to cry and Dean so desperately wants to envelop in his arms but he's wary that that might do more trouble than worth so he just sits there with Cas' hands in his palms, letting his thumbs make small soothing motions against Cas'.

"Come on baby; let me see those beautiful blues huh?" Dean says, thinking it's not going to work but somehow this gets to Cas unlike everything else and slowly, Castiel opens his eyes and zooms onto Dean's gaze, eyes pooled with tears. Dean forces a smile and he says softly, "There you go, I can finally see my favourite things in the entire world."

Castiel gasps, his whole body ricocheting, still not taking his eyes from Dean when he lets out a terrified, choked cry, " _Dean?"_

"You're okay Cas, you're okay, we're both okay, just breathe for me. You just need to breathe for me baby," Dean says, staring right back at Cas, knowing that eye contact is the only thing that's going to get them through this, keep Cas with him.

Castiel shakes his head, face crumbling, "I-I can't."

"Yes you can, I know you can," Dean guides Cas' hand to his own heart, "Just follow my breathing. Here, take one breath in, yeah that's really good Cas, now breathe out, you're doing great Cas, knew you could do it. Now just breathe in again and then out."

Castiel doesn't take his eyes from Dean for one minute as he follows Dean's breathing, every now and then missing a breath, his eyes widening in what can only be fright, "Hey baby, you're doing great. Just carry on, just keep following my breathing."

Dean doesn't know how long they stay there like that, Castiel staring into what feels like Dean's soul as he copies Dean's breathing, but he knows it's a long time. It’s a very long time until Cas finally calms down, his breathing finally steadying, no longer needing Dean's guidance anymore, taking slow breaths in and out, having finally stopped crying, probably because he's got nothing left to cry out. Castiel stares at Dean some more before collapsing onto him, hands escaping Dean's hold and wrapping around Dean's neck, his now steady breathing puffing against Dean's chest. Dean lets his arms wrap around Cas' waist gently, Castiel shuffling even closer to him until he's in Dean's lap. Dean tightens his hold of him and kisses his hair.

"You're okay Cas, you're okay," Dean murmurs shakily. Castiel nods into Dean's neck, legs wrapping around Dean's waist, reminding Dean of a koala which makes Dean smile softly into Cas' hair because Cas is going to be okay, he's breathing again and he's going to be okay, "Love you so much Cas."

Castiel nods again, obviously not ready to talk yet so Dean lets him just breathe against his neck, his own hand trailing through Cas' unruly hair as he waits patiently, waits for when Cas will talk. He breathes in Cas' scent as his other hand makes slow trails up and down Cas' back soothingly.

It's a while until Castiel starts to talk, his voice quiet, "I thought- I thought these were over."

Dean doesn't say anything back, feeling like he's going to cry himself at the thought of Cas having to deal with these alone, of not being able to breathe and having no one to help him through it. It makes him wonder how many times it's happened, how many times Cas had been alone going through this.

"It hasn't- hasn't been this bad for a very long time," Castiel murmurs into Dean's neck, "They went away when I came to you but-but I think seeing you hurt from the demons has brought it all back again, brought the nightmares back."

Dean very nearly cries right there but gulps it back because he needs to be strong for Cas but he doesn't know what to say other than, "I love you Cas."

Castiel leans out from Dean's neck and looks up at Dean with a tired smile, cheeks still wet from crying, "I love you Dean, so much."

Dean smiles and kisses Cas' forehead, then his cheeks before using his fingers to wipe away the tears left behind. Castiel smiles tiredly, kisses Dean on the mouth softly before deepening the kiss, hands tugging at Dean's hair as he licks his way into Dean's mouth, Dean letting Cas' tongue enter willingly. Dean's hands hold Cas' cheeks delicately. After a while, he breaks free of the kiss but he doesn't move away from Cas, their foreheads resting against each other, both breathing into each other's mouth silently.

"What can I do Cas? Tell me what I can do," Dean murmurs, lips brushing against Cas'.

Castiel sighs into his mouth, "Just you being here helps me Dean."

"Yeah, okay," Dean whispers, "Do-Do you want to go back to sleep?"

Castiel bites his lip, something so very human like that makes Dean pull him into a hug again, leaving a trail of kisses on Cas' neck. Castiel sighs into it, "I think- I think I'm okay to sleep again."

"Okay baby," Dean says, both of them slowly disentangling from each other for a short moment so they can fall back onto the mattress, wrapping together again as soon as they're both lying down. Castiel buries himself in Dean's chest, Dean soothingly stroking his hair. He waits for Cas to fall asleep before sending out a silent prayer for God to take care of Cas, to help him, and if there's even more threats than the last prayer he had sent his way, well, Dean doesn't care.


	20. Chapter 20

After Cas' panic attack Dean hardly sleeps. He just keeps watch over Cas, wary that he's going to wake up from another nightmare and stop breathing again. The worry starts to fade though after Sam comes in with food every now and then. Each time, Cas wakes up, blearily looks at the food and watches Dean eat with a sleepy expression. He refuses the food himself saying it will only hurt which makes Dean feel guilty for eating which is fucking ridiculous because he  _needs_ to eat unlike Cas.

All in all, Castiel seems to back to normal apart from his injury, managing to make small talk as he sits up with Dean. Patiently, he waits for Dean to finish eating before pulling Dean down with him onto the bed, curling up to him and falling asleep all over again. For the first few times, Dean tries to sleep. He shuts his eyes after kissing Cas' forehead but he only gets half an hour or so every time making Dean restless, needing to get out of the room and stretch, to get some freaking fresh air.

Slowly, he unravels himself from Cas' hold, stilling every time Cas looks like he's about to stir before moving again, eventually freeing himself. He strokes Cas' hair and kisses him lightly on his wrinkled forehead before tiptoeing from their bedroom, shutting the door with a gentle thud. He walks around the house for a moment, realising that he doesn't know the layout at all, having only ever been in the bedroom and the balcony when he had visited in the past.

Somehow he finds the balcony on what can only be sheer luck. Chuck is already there, beer in his hand, leaning on the balcony, looking in deep thought. Dean nearly walks away to give the guy some privacy but then he remembers all the niggling things at the back of his mind, the questions he needs to ask,  _needs_ to know.

Dean slips out on to the balcony, enjoying the warmth radiating from the sun. Chuck doesn't say anything, doesn't even acknowledge him, and just continues to stare at the horizon.

"Hey," Dean says after a moment of quiet, both looking down at the lapping waves below them.

"Hi Dean," Chuck says with a sigh and passes Dean a bottle. Dean takes it from him and cradles it in his palm, not really in the mood to drink.

"Can I ask you something?" Dean asks, tilting his head to Chuck, feeling the condensation from the bottle start to drip onto his hands.

"Okay?" Chuck frowns, making Dean wonder if Chuck hasn't dreamt this conversation yet, whether he's going into this with no idea as to what Dean is about to talk about. That would make a change for the guy and perhaps put them on equal footing for a change.

"Did you know?" Dean asks quietly, "Did you know it was me?"

Chuck sighs again, turning his gaze back to the beach, "Yeah, I knew. As soon as the future you arrived here, I knew."

Dean nods, having guessed this already, squints at Chuck, "I'm guessing there's a reason why you didn't tell us?"

"Yeah," Chuck says, sounding like he very much hadn't wanted to keep it a secret, "For everything to play out properly, you couldn't know, none of you. You and Castiel had to find out about it the way you found out about it. If you would have found out a different way it would have ruined everything, changed the future and not in a good way."

"Right," Dean nods because it makes sense. He doesn't resent Chuck for not telling him. In fact, Chuck not telling him had actually protected his future self because if Dean had found out that a future version of himself had been milling around he would have gone and found him and ultimately fucked everything up.

Dean swallows, "And the whole me dying thing, that had to happen right?"

Chuck turns to him, eyes apologetic, "Yeah, it had to happen. I'm sorry Dean."

Dean shrugs, "Not your fault. I mean, it sucks, no one exactly wants to die by Lucifer but if it has to happen to save the world, to make it so we can kill the Devil in the present then it's okay by me. It does- It does work that way, right? We do kill him?"

Chuck smiles, a faraway look in his eyes, "Yeah. Well, that's what future you said anyway."

"And you believe him?" Dean asks, narrowing his eyes because he's sure that his future self would spout off any shit to make Cas and Chuck feel better, to make it so they would let him die to save Cas from Lucifer.

"Yeah, I believe him," Chuck turns to frown at him, "I know when you're lying Dean. Remember, I have dreamt of yours and Sam's lives for how long. I know a lot about you,  _too_ much, but it comes in handy when I need to know whether you're lying and you were definitely not lying."

"Right, okay," Dean says, feeling himself relax because that means that they win, that before he goes back, they're going to do it,  _Dean_ is going to do it.

"Can I tell you something?" Chuck asks after a moment of silence, looking at Dean with what looks like a little bit of fear, like he's scared of what Dean is going to do which makes Dean instantly prepare for something bad.

"I guess," Dean mutters and puts the bottle down, wiping his hands on his t-shirt to dry them.

"I know you," Chuck gulps, averting his gaze for a moment before looking back at him again, "I know you worry that Castiel was alone for all that time when he was gone from you, after your future self died."

Dean stiffens because he  _had_ been worrying and he doesn't want to hear it from Chuck, to hear how Cas had been alone after Dean had pushed him away, how Cas had had to fight nightmares alone because Dean hadn't been there. He can't hear it because if he does, he'll throw himself off the balcony.

Chuck carries on, ignoring Dean's hardened jaw, "I just want you to know that he wasn't, not for all of it. For the first few days he was but after that, he was here and I- I did my best to look after him. I'm not sure how great a job I did but he didn't have to suffer alone. He wasn't alone Dean and I thought you should know that."

Dean gulps, blinks at Chuck, feeling tears brimming with relief because Cas hadn't been alone. He'd been hurting but Chuck had been there, had looked after him,  _Cas hadn't been alone._

"Thank you," Dean mutters, swallowing back the tears threatening to escape, glad that Chuck doesn't point them out and embarrass him, just shrugs at him with ease, "Like I said, I figured you should know, I know it's been worrying you for a while."

Dean shakes his head, leans over and squeezes Chuck's shoulder, "No,  _thank you_ Chuck, thank you for being there for him when I wasn't."

Chuck blinks at him, probably surprised at Dean showing this many emotions to him, especially when he's so closed off normally. Chuck shrugs again like it's not a big deal even though it fucking is and smiles faintly at Dean. Dean drops his hand from Chuck's shoulder and goes back to looking at the beach, saying with his business voice, "You need to tell me everything that I do when I go back, all the things I do to save me, Sam and Cas, specific stuff. I need to know it all Chuck."

"Dean-"

"No Chuck, I need to know. I mean for all we know, when we go and kill Lucifer, he could use his last breath to send me back to the past because he knows he kills me there, his last ‘fuck you’ before he dies. And we're planning on killing him pretty soon so I need to know this Chuck. I need to be prepared because I can't go back not knowing all this stuff because then I'll fail and I can't do that Chuck, I just can't," Dean says, flickering his gaze back to Chuck with pleading eyes because this is something that he's been thinking about ever since they got Gabriel's blade. That maybe the other angels don't send him back because that doesn't make sense if he's already killed Lucifer and ruined their plan. Maybe it's  _Lucifer_ that sends him back. Dean could stab him, kill him good and proper but be sent back with Lucifer's last bout of strength, knowing that he kills him in the past. It wouldn't change Lucifer dying in the present but Dean's sure it would make Lucifer feel better to kill his nemesis with him.

Chuck stares at him for a moment before resentfully saying, his shoulders drooping, "Okay."

"I've got all the texts so I know when to send them and what to say, I know about the werewolf, I know when to go trap all the demons in the warehouse, so what else is there?" Dean asks, wondering how much he'd done behind his own back, how much meddling he'd done that had ultimately saved them all.

"Not much really, I think there's just the whole Zachariah thing," Chuck shrugs.

Dean's eyebrows furrow, "What do you mean, the Zachariah thing?!"

"Well, you, er, kinda killed him?" Chuck smiles uneasily.

"Wait,  _I_ killed Zachariah?"

"Yeah, with his own blade which I think is pretty good justice," Chuck's lips quirks upwards and he lets out a small laugh.

"Fuck," Dean shakes his head in disbelief, even huffs out a laugh because at some point in the future he gets to kill that dick. He remembers how Cas had turned up, telling them that he had just killed the seraph, how he had handed over the blade to Dean right there and then with a secret smile that now suddenly makes sense. Cas had known, had known that far back that future Dean was hopping around in his past, had passed his blade to Dean because he knew that Dean would use it in the future. Fuck, Dean's head is starting to hurt at all the shitload of new information that he's getting.

"Dean, you okay?" Chuck asks with a concerned frown.

"Yeah, just trying to get to grips with all this," Dean waves his hand to dismiss Chuck's worried look, "So you need to tell me exactly when and where I need to be for that and for the other thing too, y’know,” Dean coughs, “The dying part."

"Right, do you, er, want me to write it down?"

"No," Dean shakes his head, "We can't risk it, Sam and Cas might find it. You'll just have to tell me and I'll commit it to memory, shouldn't be too hard to remember."

"Yeah, okay," Chuck agrees, "You want me to tell you now?"

"Well, I don't see why not," Dean grins, realising that he likes Chuck. He doesn't see him as just their prophet anymore, actually sees him as a friend. A slightly nervous, alcohol dependent friend but hey, a friend nonetheless.

"Dean?"

Dean whips around to see Cas standing in the doorway to the balcony, eyes red from sleep, hair unruly as he looks at Dean with what can only be described as a freaking adorable frown. Dean falters for a minute, wondering if Cas had heard anything but just by looking at him he knows he hasn't, is blissfully ignorant that Dean is sorting out his trip to the past.

"Cas, you're supposed to be resting," Dean frowns and makes his way to Cas. Clutching one of his hands, Dean notices the fact that Cas' breathing _still_ hasn't gone to normal, that he's still wheezing a little.

"So are you," Castiel mumbles, rubbing at his eyes with a closed fist, "I woke up and you were gone."

"Sorry baby," Dean murmurs, kissing Cas on the forehead, letting his fingers push back the hair stuck to the skin there, "I couldn't sleep and staring at four walls was kind of getting to me, you know?"

Castiel nods, glances over to where Chuck must be standing and frowns, flickering his gaze back to Dean, confusion written in his eyes, like he's trying to understand why Dean had been talking to Chuck.

"How about we go watch some TV, get us out of that room, huh?"

Castiel stares at him for a little while, like he's trying to find something in his gaze before nodding, "Okay."

"Okay then," Dean smiles, quickly looks back at Chuck, "Want to join?"

"Nah, go ahead," Chuck dismisses them with a wave.

"Okay," Dean smiles at him, "Talk to you later then."

Chuck nods, must understand the connotations behind Dean's words and gives a quick reassuring smile to a frowning Castiel. Dean kisses him on the nose to distract him, gently tugging him away from the balcony and somehow finding the way to the lounge where there's a massive television strapped to the wall. Dean leads Cas to the sofa, sits him down, kissing him quickly before looking for the remote, "Do you want to put a movie on or are we going to watch some random shit? What do Hawaiians have on their TV anyway?"

"It has all the American channels, I made sure of it for Chuck," Castiel says.

"Dude, you are awesome," Dean grins, turns the television on, grabs the remote and sits next to Cas on the sofa, wrapping his arm around Cas' shoulders and holding him tightly to his side. Castiel hums contently, resting his head against Dean's shoulder, Dean letting his arm drop to Cas' waist, fingers gliding up and down comfortingly.

"What were you talking about with Chuck?" Castiel asks after Dean has settled on some random show, something nice and mellow because he's really not in the mood for anything with fighting scenes and even Dr Sexy isn't calling out to him, not when he'd been in a hospital himself not two days ago.

"Oh," Dean shrugs, hating having to lie to Cas but knowing he has to, "Nothing really."

"Nothing?" Castiel asks slowly, sounding very much like he doesn't believe Dean.

"Nothing," Dean agrees, kisses Cas' hair, "Don't worry about it baby."

"Okay," Castiel sighs, snuggling further into Dean, Dean pulling him closer so he's half sitting on him, legs curled up on Dean's. Dean wraps his arms tightly around Cas' waist and kisses him on his temple. Castiel looks up at him and leans forward to kiss Dean on the mouth quickly before looking back to the television, head resting against Dean's chest.

It's not even an hour before Castiel is sleeping again, softly snoring into Dean's chest, mumbling something occasionally which Dean doesn't quite catch. Dean absentmindedly watches the television while stroking Cas' hair. Listening to Cas' breathing, Dean relaxes as to how much better it's gotten, his breathing almost normal now expect for the few catches of breath he makes every now and then. He's so busy listening and watching Cas he nearly doesn't notice Sam coming into the room, looking rather sheepish at the fact that he thinks he's interrupted or something. Truthfully, if Sam had caught him cuddling up to Cas a few weeks ago, Dean would probably have been mortified but now he doesn't really give a fuck. It's surprising how nearly losing someone gives you a whole different perspective.

"Hey Sam," Dean grins, gesturing for Sam to come and join him in watching TV. Sam hesitates but he takes the remote control from Dean and sits on the other couch, a secret smile on his face when he looks over at Dean and Cas. Dean chooses to ignore that and mutters, "You can put whatever you want on as long as it's not the news, I want to be happily ignorant about all the shit that's going on out there, at least for now anyway."

"Yeah, okay," Sam's face falls before he recovers, glancing over at Dean and Cas again, "How are you feeling anyway?"

"I'm fine Sam, come on, it's a few stitches. I've been in way worse a shape than this and still went hunting. The only reason I'm not this time is because it's the fucking Devil," Dean frowns.

"If you're so fine then why are you resting so much?" Sam challenges, raising an eyebrow.

" _Because_  it's the only way to get Cas to rest," Dean explains, his fingers finding the nape of Cas' neck soothingly.

"Oh," Sam breathes out, "How is he anyway?"

"Better," Dean murmurs, "The sleeping helps."

"Good," Sam says with a reassuring smile before it turns into a smirk, "So, if you're perfectly fine I can mock you for the whole you calling Cas _baby_  then?"

"Shut up Sam," Dean pulls a face, hiding his smile in Cas' hair.

Sam shakes his head and laughs, "You two are so disgustingly in love."

"Like I said before, you're jealous," Dean points out with a smirk.

"Whatever Dean," Sam rolls his eyes, "Seriously though, I'm happy for you. I mean, we're dealing with the apocalypse, the shittest thing that we've ever had to deal with and I'm just glad that something good has come out of it, that's all. I'm happy for you both."

"Stop acting like a girl Sam," Dean groans because trust his brother to turn this thing into a total chick flick and make it all sappy and about feelings.

"Says the person cuddled up to Cas and oh yeah, calls him  _baby,”_ _Sam_ replies with a grin.

"Bitch," Dean retorts, grinning back anyway.

"Jerk," Sam replies automatically, obviously too loudly because Cas stirs in Dean's arms, blinking owlishly up at Dean, his forehead creased.

"Hey Cas," Dean smiles, "Did my dickish brother wake you up?"

Castiel slides his eyes over to where Sam is, huffs in annoyance, "Yes."

"Oh, sorry Cas."

"Its fine," Castiel sighs and burrows his face in Dean's neck, his warm breath hitting against Dean's skin. Awkwardly, Cas shifts around on Dean's lap, murmuring in irritation as he apparently tries to find a comfortable way to half lie, half sit on Dean so he can go back to sleep. Dean lets him move around for a while, both Dean and Sam looking at him in amusement as Cas rummages around, eyes snapped shut.

"Come on Cas, let's go to bed," Dean says after a few minutes of Cas' manoeuvring.

"I'm not tired," Castiel replies grumpily while his forehead is resting on Dean's shoulder, eyes shut, his fists grasping onto Dean's shirt.

Dean rolls his eyes because Cas is the worst at just admitting that he needs to rest so he decides to go for a different tactic, saying with a wink to a bemused Sam, "Well  _I_ am so I'm going to bed."

Castiel pauses, stays with his face in Dean's chest for a little while before leaning back, looking up at Dean with wide eyes before murmuring, "Oh, okay then, let's go to bed."

"Come on then," Dean smiles affectionately, waits for Cas to crawl off his lap before standing up, reaching out for Cas' hand.

"I'm only going because you're tired," Castiel mumbles, grabbing Dean's hand tightly and standing up. Dean fights the urge to laugh because Cas is completely shit at lying about this stuff. Especially as he's currently swaying on his feet, barely able to even keep his eyes open.

"Yeah, I know baby," Dean smiles and starts to tug Castiel to their bedroom, winking at Sam who's trying to stop himself from laughing, "Night Sam!"

"Yeah, goodnight you two," Sam says with a grin before spluttering into a laugh, Dean quickly dragging Cas out of the room before he can notice and question it. Castiel is silent on the way to the bedroom. He doesn't even speak when they get to their bedroom, just crawls onto bed, curls up on himself and shuts his eyes and Dean is pretty sure that as soon as he falls on the bed he's asleep. Dean shakes his head, bites his lip to stop himself from laughing before getting on the bed himself, bundling Cas in his arms, Cas' back to Dean's chest. Castiel shifts unconsciously closer to him making Dean smile even wider. He kisses the nape of Cas' neck, lets his mouth rest there comfortably as he lets his own eyes shut and hopes that at some point he'll fall asleep too.

Dean must have fallen asleep at some point because the next thing he knows is someone is nudging him awake, gently but insistently. Dean groans, tries to ignore the annoying nudging but then he realises that Cas isn't in his arms anymore and the person nudging him has to be Cas and Cas knows better than to wake him unless it's something really _really_ important. Dean cracks an eye open, looks up to an excited looking Cas before opening the other eye, blinking at the angel.

"Cas, what's up?" Dean mumbles.

"I'm healed," Castiel says with wonder, eyes wide, looking down at his chest. Dean sits up, suddenly feeling very awake. He blinks a couple of times so Cas is in focus rather than a haze before properly taking in the sight of Cas. Just by looking at Cas he can tell that Cas might be right though, he's back to his full colour, dark circles no longer under his eyes. His breathing is back to normal too, he's not wheezing or gasping for any air.

"Let me see," Dean murmurs, crawls over to Cas and slowly peels Cas' t-shirt off, Castiel letting him with a smile. Dean stares at the bandages on Cas' chest for a moment, wondering where it ends so he can unravel it before realising that's a stupid plan so he goes to the bedside drawer, rummaging around until he finds some scissors.

"Don't move," Dan warns because he most definitely does not want to hurt Cas, especially when he's apparently only just healed. Castiel nods, sits like a statue as Dean slowly cuts the bandages from Cas' chest. He feels his own eyes widen as he sees the smooth flesh of his chest, no signs of any injury at all. Dean shakes his head in surprise, puts the scissors back in the drawer and throws the bandages off the bed. He doesn't even bother to fight the urge to let his hand rest on Cas' heart, fingers gliding over the undamaged skin. Castiel shivers under his touch, eyes never leaving Dean's. Dean lets himself smile, feeling his whole body relax for the first time in ages because Cas is okay, he's back to normal again.

Dean leans forward and kisses Cas over his heart, trailing upwards to Cas' neck, letting his tongue flicker out, sucking on the skin. Castiel lets out a happy sigh, splaying a hand on Dean's back, the other in Dean's hair. Playfully, Dean nips at Cas' neck, smiling against the skin when Cas lets out a startled moan. Dean pulls back and looks at Cas with amusement, enjoying the fact that Cas' pupils are already dilated, his cheeks faintly red.

"You like that baby?" Dean asks, fingers gliding against where he'd just bit him.

"Yes," Castiel replies quickly and leans forward to bring their mouths together, only a short kiss before moving away again. Dean groans, pushing his way back into Cas' space, licking his way into Cas' mouth before biting down on his bottom lip.

"Dean," Castiel says, voice higher than normal as he rests their foreheads together, "I'm healed but you are not and I don't think it would be wise for us to have intercourse."

"You have got to be fucking kidding," Dean groans, burying himself in the crook of Cas' neck, "I'm  _fine._ It's just a few stitches Cas, please."

"I don't know Dean," Castiel says, though he sounds like he's about to break so Dean goes in for the kill. He lets his fingertips graze Cas' nipples, getting a shocked cry from Cas as he starts to suck on Cas' shoulder blade and he hears himself whine, "Come on baby, let me fuck you."

Castiel stills and Dean wonders if he's done something wrong because fuck, they'd only had sex the one time and that had been when Cas had been at his lowest point ever and what if Cas doesn't want to now? He leans out from Cas' neck, ready to apologise if needs be but Castiel just smiles at him with amusement, a playful edge to the smile and then Dean is being pushed back on the bed.

Castiel attacks him with kisses, most of them on his mouth but every now and then he moves away, kissing Dean's jaw, his neck, his fingers running up Dean's t-shirt before tugging it over Dean's head, throwing it to the side. Dean lets his fingers explore Cas' chest and back, pulling him closer so Castiel is between Dean's legs, bucking his hips to meet Cas, groaning impatiently when Castiel moves off him. He stops complaining though when he sees that Cas is tugging off his sweats and boxers. Dean quickly pulls off the rest of his own clothes, Castiel straddling as soon as he's done. Dean sits up to meet Cas and wraps his arms around him, kissing him roughly on the mouth, tongues sliding easily against each other, groaning when their cocks make contact. And that's when Castiel moves off him yet again, making Dean let out a sigh of complaint then to confusion as Castiel props pillows behind Dean.

"Cas, what are you doing?" Dean raises an eyebrow.

"I want you to be comfortable. As much as you say you aren't, you still are injured," Castiel replies. With that, he leans over to open the bedside drawer, smirking when he finds the lube that Dean had left there (What can Dean say, he's an optimistic). Nerves start to take over a little then because Cas is now straddling  _him_ and he's grabbing the lube and not Dean and okay, Dean loves and trusts Cas completely but he's not exactly ready to let Cas fuck him. He might not _ever_ be ready for that.

"Cas?" Dean asks, his voice hitching.

Cas must sense that he's nervous though because he passes the lube to Dean and kisses his neck, whispering into Dean's ear, "Prep me Dean and then I'm going to ride you."

"Fuck," Dean scrambles to open up the lube, Castiel watching him carefully, his eyes dancing with what looks like amusement. To entertain himself while he waits, Cas kisses Dean on his jaw, lifting his hips a little as his fingers run through Dean's hair. Dean coats his fingers quickly and lets a finger tease Cas' hole. He doesn’t push in though because now that he's in this position again, he's wary that he's going to hurt Cas or do something wrong because he's only done this once and it had been when Cas had been completely emotionally drained and broken and what if he's shit at this? What if he's not as good as his future self and disappoints Cas?

"Dean? What's wrong?" Castiel asks, a frown settling on his face.

"Thinking too much, sorry," Dean smiles, kisses Cas quickly to take the frown away, "I'm just being stupid."

"Okay," Castiel says, still frowning a little but his face melts into pleasure when Dean stops teasing his hole and pushes a finger in, just to the first knuckle.

"Tell me if I hurt you okay? Or if you want me to stop," Dean murmurs.

"Don't want you to stop, want more Dean," Castiel moans, pushing down on Dean's finger to prove his point, his forehead dropping to rest against Dean's shoulder, ordering with a whine, " _More Dean."_

"Yeah, okay baby," Dean feels himself relax because Cas is enjoying this, he's not hurting him and he wants more and Dean's going to give it to him. With a growing smirk he pushes the finger in entirely and lets it crook inside Cas, getting a guttural moan from the angel who pushes down onto Dean's finger like he can get any more inside him. Dean kisses Cas' neck sloppily and pushes a second finger inside Cas slowly, Cas rocking his hips slightly as he fists Dean's hair.

"You want more baby?" Dean asks, pulls his fingers out half way before he pushes them back in again. Slowly, he lets them open Cas up and he must hit his prostrate because Cas moans the loudest so far, tugging on Dean's hair just the right side of painful.

"Dean, please," Castiel whimpers, his face buried in Dean's neck. Chuckling, Dean pushes a third finger in, crooks them at just the right angle so he's hitting the sweet spot again, letting his fingers graze over it, enjoying the downright dirty sounds coming from Cas' mouth.

"Dean," Cas growls, "If you do not get inside me right now I swear I will-"

"Will what Cas?" Dean asks, innocently looks at Cas when he leans out of Dean's neck to stare at him.

Castiel frowns, cheeks flushed, "I- I don't know but I won't be happy."

Dean grins and kisses Cas greedily. Gently, he pulls his fingers out, eliciting a whimper from Cas but then Cas breaks free from the kiss, a determined look on his face as he manoeuvres on Dean's lap until he's hovering over Dean's cock. Dean opens his mouth to tell Cas to get on with it but he doesn't have time as Cas slowly sits down on Dean, his eyes shut, his mouth a pretty 'o'.

"Baby?" Dean murmurs, voice hitching at the tightness of Cas, feeling nothing but the angel surrounding him. His hands trail up and down Cas' sides as he tries very hard not to come just from this. For fucks sake, he doesn't want to be  _that_ guy who comes so easily. But it's fucking difficult not to with the sight in front of him.

Castiel's eyes flicker open, eyes unblinkingly looking at Dean as he experimentally rolls his hips making Dean let out a moan as his eyes roll to the back of head. Feverishly, he grabs Cas by the jaw and pulls him in for a rough kiss, teeth and tongues sliding against each other as Cas starts to slowly ride Dean, breathy moans from the back of each other's throats entering into each other's mouths.

After a while Dean finally gets with the program and lets one hand grip onto Cas' hip bone, guiding each thrust, his hips meeting up to meet Cas', the other hand curling around Cas' dick, jerking him off in time with their thrusts. Castiel moans his name and presses their foreheads together, eyes boring into Dean's. Dean doesn't look away, looks right back at Cas, watching how his face contorts in pleasure, how his eyes shut every now and then when a thrust goes deeper than the rest but then his eyes open after a second and they're looking right into Dean's, right into his soul. Everything gets on top of him then, the feeling of being in Cas, the complete and utter adoration and love radiating from the angel, how he leans forward to press a gentle kiss onto Dean's lips. And then it's all too much and Dean is coming with a cry, Castiel not following too long after, both watching each other as they come apart.

Dean reaches over and kisses Cas, letting his tongue slide in easily, arms wrapping around Cas' waist and pulling him even closer. Castiel lets out a content sigh, lifts himself from Dean before dropping on his lap again, and lets his head rest against Dean's shoulder.

"I'm glad you're healed Cas," Dean murmurs, throat croaky hinting that they may have been more loud than he'd initially thought.

"Me too," Castiel says, his hand finding Dean's, squeezing it gently.

Dean smiles at their matching rings and kisses Cas' damp forehead, "Love you Cas."

"I love you Dean, always."


	21. Chapter 21

"Hey, thought I'd find you here," Dean smiles with an affectionate ruffle of Cas' hair, taking a quick glance at the horizon from the balcony before looking from Chuck to Cas, "Not interrupting anything am I?"

"No, of course not," Castiel smiles back and reaches out for Dean's hand, Dean squeezing back before moving to sit down on the deck chair, perching between Cas' legs. Warm arms wrap around him tightly, pulling him closer to Cas' chest which makes Dean huff out a small laugh.

"You picked the right moment actually ‘cause I've got to go get the dinner started," Chuck says with a grin, standing up with a slap of his thighs. Dean smiles at him, remembering their previous conversation, where he'd cornered him when Cas had been busy watching some shitty programme with Sam. He’d asked him the exact details of when he saves Cas from Zachariah and Lucifer respectively and Chuck had patiently told him over and over again until he'd printed it into his mind.

"Want help?" Dean asks, raising his eyebrows, hoping that Chuck will say no because he's too comfortable to move now. Especially when Castiel's mouth is pressed into his hair, the arms around him making him feel protected and safe.

"Nah, it's fine, I'll enlist Sam if I do," Chuck winks, then says to Cas with a desperate sigh, "I guess I'm going to have to turn it off again tonight then?"

Castiel smiles into Dean's neck, "I think that would be a wise idea yes."

Chuck chuckles and shakes his head, patting Dean on the shoulder before leaving them to it, shutting the glass door behind him.

"What was that about?" Dean frowns, turning his head to gage Castiel's expression.

"Dean, Chuck dreams of you and Sam, your whole life," Castiel says with a small smile, like he's trying to stop himself from laughing at Dean or the situation, Dean isn't even sure.

"Yeah, and?" Dean raises his eyebrows, still not getting it.

"Dean, did it never occur to you that he would see all our moments together,  _all_ of it?" Castiel quirks up an eyebrow.

"I don't get what you-  _oh,"_ Dean gapes, remembering how he'd been full frontal in some of the Carver Edlund books which obviously means that Chuck had been forced to watch his sex life and Sam's too. Chuck had not only saw him naked, but had also saw his sex face. Fuck. And he'd saw him and Cas, all the things they got up to. Why the fuck had he only just thought about this?!

Castiel smiles and presses his nose to Dean's cheek, "It's okay Dean. He's learnt how to switch it off. Ever since he became your friend he attempted, and I helped, to find a way to switch off that part of the prophecy, seeing as it's not beneficial to the overall stance on stopping the apocalypse and also because, well, it's awkward."

"Oh, okay, so-so he didn't see what we did last night?" Dean asks, feeling his cheeks redden.

"No, he shut it off. What we do in our bedroom is between you and me," Castiel's smile widens against Dean's skin, kissing Dean's neck.

"Oh... Good," Dean murmurs, feeling his heart relax a little at the fact that Chuck hasn't been seen any of his and Cas' sex life because he doubts he would be able to look the guy in the face ever again if he had. He'll just have to try and not think about the fact that Chuck has already saw his sex life with other girls. But then again, that doesn't seem quite as intruding as his love life with Cas because with Cas it's different, it's not just sex. Still, he's not going to think too much about how Chuck has saw his moves in the bedroom with girls in the past because seriously, that's all kind of weird and awkward and  _ugh._

Castiel tilts his head at him, still smiling, "I'm surprised you hadn't thought about this before."

"I'm so sorry that I didn't think about the prophet dreaming of my sex life, I kinda had other things to worry about," Dan retorts with a snort because seriously, what with the apocalypse, Cas falling, Cas telling him that he'd been with Dean's future self and watched him die and Cas nearly dying when he'd been stabbed in the chest has kind of made his brain already be filled with more shit than it can handle.

Castiel doesn't reply, just holds Dean tighter to his chest, nuzzling Dean's neck, hiding the fact that he's still grinning at Dean's idiocy. Dean hums out in contentment when Cas kisses his jaw, Dean leaning back so his head is resting against Cas' shoulder, turning his head to meet Cas' mouth, kissing him gently. Castiel gives him a small secret smile before nuzzling their noses together.

"Cas, you're distracting me," Dean murmurs, kissing Cas again lightly with a smile.

"Distracting you from what?" Castiel says, still smiling.

"Well, it's kinda going to ruin the moment," Dean admits, "But we need to talk about it."

Castiel frowns, eyes trying to read Dean's expression before he asks carefully, "What do we need to talk about?"

Dean looks away from Cas' gaze, leaning back onto Cas' shoulder again as he looks at the beach below them, the sun slowly setting for the day. Castiel rests his chin back on Dean's shoulder, waiting patiently as Dean reaches up to grasp Cas' hands, not wanting to talk about this but knowing they need to.

"About our plans to defeat Lucifer," Dean murmurs.

Castiel stiffens behind him, his arms going taut around Dean's torso, "Oh."

There's an awkward silence then, Castiel staying stiff, not saying anything, Dean wondering what  _to_ say to make this better. He knows why Cas doesn't want to talk about it and he doesn't blame him, not at all, but they do need to talk about this, to come up with a plan because they can't go into this without thinking about it properly, without coming up with what can only be a fool proof plan. They can't let there be any mistakes in this. Chuck says that they kill him, that it's already set in stone but still, that doesn't mean that they shouldn't plan this properly.

"Cas?" Dean asks, worried that Cas is going to close off completely.

"No, you're right Dean, we need to talk about this, to come up with a plan," Castiel gulps. Dean tilts his head to read Cas' expression, sees the pain embedded in his eyes as he looks to the sea with a faraway expression. Dean kisses the corner of his mouth, making Castiel turn to meet his gaze, giving him a small smile to show that he's okay.

"So you do have a plan right?" Dean asks quietly because he knows Cas, knows how he's constantly thinking. He will have probably thought of a plan already but had just not voiced it yet because he hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Even though he's falling now and more human than ever, Cas’ mind is still that of a soldier of Heaven, he knows every tactic that would work in their favour. Dean and Sam know how to fight, know tactics and the like but still, they're no warrior of the Lord with it ingrained into them.

"I do," Castiel sighs, averting his gaze, "I summon Lucifer, he'll think I'm alone but really you will be there too, hidden with the sigils on your ribs. I'll keep him distracted while you kill him with Gabriel's blade."

"Oh, okay," Dean says and mulls it over. It could work. Lucifer thinks he's dead so he won't exactly be expecting him. And he won't expect the angels to have brought him back, not when Lucifer knows they want him to run amok with Earth, but that just leaves one problem- Sam. Because if Lucifer thinks Dean is dead then surely he'll know that Sam would try and avenge his death and would be with Cas to tear him to shreds, "Won't he think Sam would be with you though? Even if he can't feel him, won't he do a look around the place and look for Sam?"

"No, Lucifer thinks that Sam would blame me for your death and not want anything to do with me so he would assume I was alone," Castiel's voice cracks, thick with emotion.

"Cas," Dean turns to meet his pained gaze, "You know that's not true right? That if Sam knew about what happens to me, he wouldn't blame you?"

Castiel doesn't reply, just holds Dean tighter to his chest, avoiding Dean's gaze.

"Cas, look at me," Dean murmurs, "Look at me please."

Begrudgingly, Castiel looks at him, eyes wide and glassy, "Sam would  _not_ blame you okay? He wouldn't."

"You can't know that," Castiel whispers.

"Yes I can and I do. Sam's your family, he loves you, sees you as his little brother and he would never _ever_  turn his back on you and when I'm forced back he's not going to want you to disappear on him okay? He needs you Cas and you need him and he's not going to blame you for this, trust me," Dean says, holding Cas' hands tightly to his chest because Cas needs to stop blaming himself for this, to stop thinking other people would blame him too. And when Dean gets sent back he wants to make sure that Cas doesn't disappear on Sam, thinking that he's going to blame and hate him. He can't have Sam being alone not knowing what the fuck had happened to Dean and he can't have Cas being alone grieving his death and wallowing in guilt until he dies.

Castiel gulps, "O-Okay."

"Okay?" Dean murmurs with a kiss to Cas' nose.

Castiel smiles at that and presses their foreheads together lightly, saying with more conviction this time, "Yes."

"Good, don't ever think otherwise Cas," Dean replies.

"I love you Dean," Castiel whispers, lips brushing against Dean's.

"Yeah, me too baby," Dean says with a smile, getting a small smile back.

Castiel leans back from Dean, looking back to the beach, jaw determined, "So I summon Lucifer at the warehouse that we summoned Gabriel. He'll arrive, I know he will. And then you will sneak in while I distract him and then you will kill him with Gabriel's sword. I would kill him myself but all the prophecies say it's you and I wouldn't be quick enough to do it either, he would see straight through my plan and what I was about to do."

"Yeah, okay. What about Sam?"

Castiel sighs, "Sam can be there but I would prefer him not to be in the firing line, perhaps be your back up if anything doesn't go to plan? I did think about making him not come at all but I knew he wouldn't approve of that plan."

Dean snorts at the idea of turning around and telling his little brother that he wasn't included in the killing Lucifer plan and that Dean and Cas would be going without him. Yeah, that wouldn't go down well  _at all,_ "Yeah, there's no way that Sam would let himself be left behind when we do this, he can be my back up."

"Okay then," Castiel nods.

"Are you sure that he'll turn up?" Dean asks quietly, fingers clasping onto Cas', entangling them together. In reply to that, Castiel pulls him closer to his chest, something that Dean hadn't thought had been possible.

"Yes, he likes to taunt and he'll want to taunt me, to destroy me further," Castiel's eyes harden, not looking at Dean and Dean really doesn't like the sound of that, what Lucifer could say or do to Cas while Dean's sneaking in to stab him in the neck. He feels his heart break a little at the fact that Cas had said destroy him  _further,_ that he's already destroyed, that the man holding him to his chest is broken, that no matter what Dean does, he's not going to be able to put him together.

"Are you going to be okay? Seeing him again?" Dean asks quietly, pressing his forehead to Cas' temple.

"Yes," Castiel replies shortly.

"If you aren't, we'll find another way so you don't have to be there," Dean says, more than prepared to change the plans, to make it so Cas wouldn't have to come face to face with Lucifer again, to bring those memories crashing back to the surface.

"I'm not letting you go there alone Dean, I won't," Castiel says tightly.

"Cas-"

"I won't let you Dean," Castiel vows, his voice tight and pained, probably thinking back to the last time, about how even though Cas had been there, he hadn't been able to stop it, to save Dean.

"Okay Cas, okay," Dean murmurs, kissing Cas' temple, bringing up a hand to brush through Cas' hair soothingly in an attempt to make Cas forget, to make him smile again.

"I'll be fine," Castiel mutters. Dean nods and lets his fingers play around with Cas' hair, lets his forehead rest against Cas' temple again, Castiel shutting his eyes and leaning to the touch in response.

"Can we talk about something else now?" Castiel asks, voice small.

"Okay baby, okay," Dean murmurs with a kiss to Cas' cheek. Castiel stays still for a moment, tense behind Dean, but slowly he turns his head, eyes cloudy, looking into Dean's worried gaze. Dean presses a gentle kiss to his mouth, Castiel letting out a small sigh, mouths barely touching but neither making any effort to move from the position.

A tapping at the glass door jolts them both, turning to see Sam rolling his eyes at them, having no idea as to what he's interrupted, "Hey love birds, the dinner's done!"

"Yeah, okay Sammy, we'll be there in a sec!" Dean shouts at him.

Sam nods at him, laughs at the two of them with a shake of the head before leaving them to it. Dean lets his gaze flicker back to Cas who's smiling now, probably from how annoying his little brother is. Dean pecks him on the mouth before slowly guiding Cas' arms from around his chest, Castiel letting him stand up from his hold. Castiel looks up at him, taking the hand that Dean is holding out for him. Dean pulls him up with ease and wraps his arms around Cas' waist, kissing him on the forehead. Castiel follows his lead, wrapping his own arms around Dean's torso, burying himself in Dean's neck.

Dean kisses Cas' hair and then smirks, only just realising something, "Hey, you told Chuck to shut off his prophecy shit tonight, does that mean I'm getting laid?"

Castiel huffs out a laugh into Dean's neck, leans out and arches an eyebrow at Dean, "If you're lucky."

"Awesome," Dean grins, feeling himself relax because Cas is smiling again and he doesn't waste time with that, lurching at Cas' mouth, kissing him tenderly, biting down gently on Cas' bottom lip.

Castiel breaks free and murmurs, "Dean, dinner."

"Yeah, okay," Dean sighs and lets go off Cas, taking Cas' hand again and leading them to the dining table where Chuck and Sam are already seated, helping themselves to the food that's laid out on the table.

"Decided to stop feeling each other up and join us then?" Sam quirks an eyebrow up, biting his lip to stop himself from laughing at his own freaking joke. God, Dean's little brother is a dork.

"Shut up Sam," Dean rolls his eyes.

He releases Cas' hold as they both sit down, grabbing any food that isn't salad because hey, it's the apocalypse and he can eat whatever the fuck he wants.

The dinner holds an easy conversation, Sam and Dean being the main talkers, though Chuck and Cas talk occasionally. Dean notices Chuck side eyeing Cas at times, making Dean assume that he'd already dreamt the conversation that Dean and Cas have just had, knowing that it had probably upset Cas. He makes sure to catch his gaze, giving him a thankful smile at how much Chuck seems to care about Cas, Chuck smiling back, relaxing somewhat when Cas laughs lightly at one of Sam's jokes.

When Dean has finished eating, he reaches out and lets his fingers glide against Cas' arm, up and down where he can see the veins from his wrist connect to his elbow. Castiel doesn’t say anything, just looks up at him and smiles, taking Dean's hand into his own. And that's the precise time that Sam starts pretending to vomit because he acts like a freaking child so for that, he gets a well-deserved smack to the head from Dean before the dessert is brought out.

Once they've all had dessert, they all go to watch television. Dean kind of wants to talk to Sam about the plans for defeating Lucifer but he knows he can't bring up the subject when Cas is snuggled to his side. He can't make Cas talk about it again so he figures it'll have to wait till tomorrow or whenever he gets Sam alone.

After they've watched some shitty show on the discovery channel that Sam and Cas had enjoyed but Chuck and Dean had most definitely not, Cas takes his hand and takes him to their bedroom with a quick goodbye to Sam and Chuck. As soon as they're in the bedroom, Castiel attacks him with kisses, on his jaw and neck, slowly guiding Dean to the bed because he's still wary of Dean's stupid stitches. They both become a tangle of limbs after that, skin against skin, whispered pleads and broken moans into each other's mouths, until both of them come undone, holding on to each other when there's nothing but laboured breathing filling the air, Castiel's head resting on Dean's chest, their breathing slowing until they're both asleep.

_"Dean!"_

Dean jolts awake and cringes at the continuous screaming of his own name right into his ear. Desperately, he tries to ignore the pain of that and focus on the situation, focus on waking Cas up. Castiel screams his name again and he sits up with a start, still obviously not awake yet, still stuck in the dream that's terrifying him. Dean tries to get to him but Castiel thrashes around, eyes open but not seeing what's in front of him, his arm colliding with Dean's ribs with a hard thud, winding Dean for a moment.

"Cas!" Dean shouts after he recovers, gripping Cas' shoulders and shaking him slightly to make him wake up, to get him out of the nightmare. He's used to Cas' nightmares by now but none of them had involved Cas waking up screaming. Apart from the first one he'd encountered where Cas had had a panic attack, most of them involved Cas waking up panting and shaking, latching onto Dean as he recovered. And fuck, Dean can't help but think he caused it to get worse again by talking about Lucifer earlier.

Castiel's eyes finally go into focus, staring at Dean for a moment before realising where he is, who is in front of him, "De-Dean?"

"Yeah it's me Cas, you're okay, you're okay," Dean sighs, letting his hands guide to Cas' cheeks, pressing their foreheads together.

" _Dean_ ," Castiel starts but then he's crying, quick sharp bursts of sobs as he buries himself into Dean's chest. Gently, Dean wraps an arm around Cas' waist and the other around the nape of Cas' neck, letting it make slow calming motions to try and calm Cas, to let him know that he's here, that they're okay.

The door to their bedroom suddenly slams open, Sam standing there with a shotgun, eyes alert, probably thinking that Cas' desperate screams of Dean's name had meant they were in danger. Sam falters when he sees what's in front of him. Even then, Castiel doesn't move from Dean's hold, doesn't even seem to notice that the door has been thrown open. Sam looks at Dean questionably, probably wondering what the fuck is going on which Dean supposes is a good question.

"It's alright Sammy, we're fine, go back to sleep," Dean says, nodding at Sam to let him know that he's not lying, that he can leave them. Sam gives him a worried glance before leaving, shutting the door behind him.

With that out of the way, Dean lets out a shaky breath and kisses Cas' hair, "It's okay baby, it was just a dream."

Castiel shudders in his hold, his fists balled against Dean's chest, head buried in Dean's chest still, "I hate it Dean, I hate having to sleep, having to dream, my mind using the worst of my memories and forcing me to relive it. I hate it all."

"I know baby, I know. I know how you feel and I wish I could stop it all for you, I really do. You don't deserve this Cas, none of it," Dean murmurs, hating himself because he's the reason that Cas is like this, the reason he has to sleep and keep reliving Dean's death.

Castiel leans out of Dean's chest, sighing heavily before reaching forward and kissing Dean roughly. Dean lets him. He knows that this is what Cas needs after the nightmares, what he always does when he's woken up from them. It's like he needs to remind himself that Dean's still there beside him, that he hasn't disappeared from him, not yet. Castiel stops the kiss after a while, his fingers slowly gliding down Dean's chest. He stops short, eyes widening when his hands reach Dean's ribs, making Dean tense under his fingers.

"Did I hit you?" Castiel asks, voice small, fingers hovering over the red mark on Dean's skin.

"No big deal Cas," Dean kisses him on the forehead, desperate to make Cas not feel bad for this, he can't have another thing to feel guilty about, "I suppose I shouldn't have got in the way, I forget that you're angel with superhuman strength sometimes."

"I'm sorry," Castiel bites his lip, looking like he's about to cry again.

"Hey, like I said, no big deal. Remember, I did stab you once, first time we ever met," Dean nudges him, trying his best to distract Cas.

Dean relaxes when Castiel lets out a small smile, "Yes, and you shot me, several times if I recall correctly."

"Didn't really think that that would turn out to be this," Dean nuzzles his neck, feeling Cas relax under his touch, "That Castiel, who we had no freaking clue who or what he was, who turned around and told me he was a freaking angel of the lord would turn out to be the guy that would completely make me question my whole life, make me actually talk about my feelings and fucking spoon in bed."

"At least you're the bigger spoon," Castiel laughs shortly.

"Yeah, there's always that," Dean grins easily, kissing Cas quickly before murmuring, "Ready to go back to sleep baby?"

Castiel sighs but nods all the same. Dean kisses him quickly on the forehead before gently pulling him down with him onto the bed, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him as close as possible. Castiel automatically buries his forehead into Dean's chest, tangling his legs with Dean's.

For some reason Dean remembers when he was young, when he'd been struggling to sleep after having a nightmare, how his mother would sing  _Hey Jude_ to him, brushing her hand through his hair before he fell asleep again. Dean lets out a quick cough, feeling self-conscious, before humming the song into Cas' hair. Castiel seems to relax in his arms making Dean smile, silently thanking his mother for teaching him such a thing.

"Just go to sleep baby, I'll watch over you," Dean murmurs before humming the song again, waiting for Cas' breath to even out before he stops and shuts his eyes to sleep too.

Dean sleeps restlessly, endlessly waking up, Cas never stirring, softly snoring into his chest. Dean waits for the sun to start to rise, the light filtering through the curtains before he slowly extracts himself from Cas, kissing a still sleeping Cas on the forehead before leaving him, a plan set in his mind of how to make Cas be happy again. Dean pads his way to the kitchen, hoping that his plan could actually work, praying that Chuck has enough food in the fridge. Turns out he does and he's not sure whether this is due to Cas filling it up before being stabbed in the chest or without Dean being aware, Chuck goes shopping for groceries. Either way, Dean doesn't care as long as there's enough food.

"Hey," Sam says, appearing at the doorway, "You're up early."

"Yep, what the fuck are you doing up so early?" Dean raises an eyebrow though it's clear as to what Sam's been doing, sweat running down his forehead, coating his t-shirt, making Dean wrinkle his nose, "You're seriously still doing the whole morning jog thing?"

"I don't know whether you noticed Dean but we're in the apocalypse and in a few days we're going to be taking on Lucifer, you really think that this would be the best time for me stop trying to stay in shape?" Sam retorts.

"Whatever Sammy," Dean rolls his eyes, realising now is the best time to tell Sam of their killing Lucifer plan, "Oh, talking about Lucifer-"

"As you do," Sam mutters.

"Right," Dean sighs, "So, when I get my stitches out we're getting this whole Lucifer killing thing sorted."

"Do we have a plan?" Sam raises an eyebrow, still eyeing Dean warily as he chops up tomatoes, looking at him like he's grown a second head or something.

"Yes, we have a plan. Cas is going to summon Lucifer in the warehouse that we summoned Gabriel. Lucifer won't see or feel us or whatever because of the sigils Cas put on us. Cas is going to distract him and then I'm going to sneak up and stab him in the neck," Dean grins at the thought of that. He hopes Lucifer will feel the fucking pain. He really fucking hopes that having your grace disintegrate is really fucking painful, make him feel half the pain that he'd made Cas feel.

"But how do we know Lucifer will actually show? And surely he'll think we're there with Cas even if he can't feel us?" Sam asks with a frown.

Dean sighs, trying to figure out how to tell him that Lucifer won't think Dean will be there because he thinks he's dead without you know, telling Sam that Lucifer thinks Dean's dead.

"Look, he'll show and he won't think we're there, trust me on this," Dean says, "Do you trust me Sam?"

"Of course I do," Sam says, frowning harder.

"Then trust me when I say that this plan is going to work," Dean replies.

"Okay then," Sam replies instantly, making Dean smile at how easy it is for Sam to trust him, to believe in him.

"Good," Dean smiles, getting back to the food.

"Okay, I’ve got to ask, what the hell are you doing?" Sam asks, gesturing to the food, changing the subject much to Dean's relief.

Dean feels himself blush and attempts to say as nonchalantly as possible, "Making a picnic for me and Cas."

"A picnic?" Sam asks, sounding very much like he wants to laugh, making Dean scowl at him and grunt back, "Yeah a picnic. I'm going to go take him out to the beach. I think we both need some fresh air or else we're going to go insane."

"Okay," Sam grins, looking like he wants to tease Dean some more but then he gets his serious, _'let's talk about feelings now'_ face, "What was that last night Dean?"

"Sammy," Dean warns because he doesn't want to talk about this.

"Look, I know it's none of my business but that was- that was pretty intense Dean. I thought you were being attacked, he was screaming so loud," Sam frowns.

"It's nothing Sam, he's fine,  _we're_ fine, just leave it," Dean tells him, finishing the conversation.

"Okay," Sam sighs, obviously realising they're  _not_ fine but he doesn’t say anything else on the matter and instead gives him a light smile, "Want help with the picnic?"

"Nah, I'm finished now, thanks though," Dean looks up at Sam and smiles to tell him that he's not mad at him, "I better hurry up and go take this to the beach actually before Cas wakes up."

"Okay, see you later Dean," Sam smiles, patting him on the shoulder as Dean shoves all the food into the basket he had found in the storage room (something that he assumes Chuck had put there for him, already knowing his plans. The whole idea of someone dreaming about what you're going to do before you do it sometimes has its perks.)

"Go shower Sam, you stink," Dean pulls away from Sam, making Sam shove him in the shoulder before stalking off.

It doesn't take long for Dean to find a nice spot to put the blanket and food, placing it there in the shade, away from the vision of Chuck's house. He silently thanks Cas for choosing this house with the private beach for Chuck's new abode.

Once he's happy with everything, he jogs back to the house, quickly makes an array of different things for breakfast, quietly thinking as to how truly whipped he is but not finding the effort to care. It's Cas and he deserves all the good things he can, especially after last night. They deserve one good day, both of them. They both deserve to have a happy day where they can just forget everything.

He places the croissants, pancakes and fruit on a tray, pouring two glasses of orange juice, carefully picking it up, wary of making the drinks spill. He opens the door with his elbow, shutting the door with his hip. He can't help but grin at the sight that's before him. Cas is sitting up in bed, covers pulled down so Dean can just about see Cas' hip bones, hair matted around his head, blue eyes wide.

"Morning Cas," Dean smiles at Cas' bleary frown, "Just got up?"

"Yes," Castiel nods, gesturing to the tray, "What's that?"

"Breakfast," Dean grins, carefully placing the tray on Cas' lap, "Thought I'd treat you to breakfast in bed."

Castiel smiles, eyes wide as he grabs Dean by the waist to kiss him, "Thank you Dean."

"You're welcome," Dean smiles before he climbs onto the bed, shuffling under the covers to join Cas, grabbing a croissant, "But this is just the start."

"The start?" Castiel asks, slightly distracted by the pancakes in front of him, humming in contentment when he takes a bite.

"Yeah, I’ve got a whole day planned full of fun," Dean winks at him.

"Fun?" Castiel asks, looking so very confused, his forehead crinkling.

"Yeah,  _fun_ ," Dean rolls his eyes, smiling affectionately, "Is that a foreign concept for you?"

"Shut up Dean," Castiel mutters as an answer, Dean nudging him in the ribs lightly for that, getting a small smile off Castiel for it.

"Hey, I can cancel the fun day if you act all bitchy," Dean says seriously before grinning, leaning in to kiss Cas on the lips, Castiel sighing into the kiss.

"What does this fun day entail?" Castiel asks once they've broken free.

"Now that would be telling," Dean says, waggling his eyebrows. Castiel ignores that and carries on trying to ask but he soon gives up, going back to his pancakes sulkily, trying not to smile when Dean kisses his bare shoulder up to his neck.

"I suppose I should shower before this day of fun, yes?" Castiel asks once he's finished with taking a bite from everything on the freaking plate. It's a good job that he's still got some angel juice in him or he'd be fifty stone.

"Yep, but I suppose," Dean murmurs, letting his lips brush against Castiel's as he smirks, "I could join you."

"I wouldn't expect anything different," Castiel smile, grabbing Dean by his cheeks and kissing him forcefully, biting at Dean's bottom lip. He breaks free with an impish grin, grabs Dean's hand and takes him to the bathroom, Dean yelping, not even noticing when the orange juice spills all over their bed, too busy with Cas mouth on him, freaking everywhere and seriously, not a lot of cleaning happens in that shower (not that Dean is complaining).

After a quick clean up, Cas smirking at him, they finally leave the bathroom, pulling on plain t-shirts and jeans. Cas starts to grab some socks but Dean stops him, "You don't need socks or shoes."

"What?" Castiel asks slowly, looking down at the socks in his hold.

"You don't need them baby, you'll understand in a minute," Dean grins, kissing Cas' temple as he drops the socks back into the drawer. Dean grabs Cas' hand, walking past Sam and Chuck who are rummaging around in the kitchen.

"Bye guys," Dean waves at them with his free hand. They both cheerfully say goodbyes, telling them to have fun, Cas muttering, "I would if I knew what we were doing."

Chuckling, Dean leads them down the stairs, straight onto the beach, Castiel's eyes widening in understanding as he looks down at the sand between his toes. Dean kisses his surprised mouth, leading them closer to the sea, hand in hand still, "You ever been to the beach before Cas?"

"I've never had occasion, I've  _saw_ a beach before obviously but never actually stood on one," Castiel replies, still looking slightly surprised at his surroundings as he keeps looking down at the sand below their feet.

Dean stops their strolling, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist, looking down at Cas with a smile, "Well, now you're finally here, do you like it?"

"Yes, but I like it especially because you are here with me," Castiel says, making Dean smile into the kiss that Cas initiates, knowing that Cas isn't just saying that for brownie points, he genuinely means it. He vaguely wonders if Cas would have still enjoyed himself even if he'd taken them to the sewers. Probably.

"Hmm, good answer. So that means you've never went into the sea?" Dean hums, nuzzling Cas' neck.

"No."

"Well we can soon change that," Dean grins at Cas' confused expression before grabbing onto Cas' hand and tugging them both to the water, not stopping until they're being enveloped by the waves to their knees. Castiel looks at the horizon in wonder, mouth parted slightly in awe, holding Dean's hand tightly like he's afraid he's going to be pulled away from him. For a moment Cas shuts his eyes and takes in a deep breath, a small secret smile on his face. Dean feels his own face breaking into a grin at how relaxed Cas looks and without a thought, he leans forward to kiss him on his temple. Castiel opens his eyes and looks over at Dean, mirroring Dean's grin, kissing him happily, grabbing Dean's other hand, trying to drag him further into the waves.

Dean halts him, faltering when Castiel frowns at him, "Cas, I can't, my stitches."

Dean curses his stupid fucking stitches and he really can't wait till they're fucking gone so he can do whatever he wants but Castiel just smiles at him, "I'll carry you."

"You'll what?" Dean laughs with surprise.

Castiel carries on smiling, turns his back on Dean and leans down, "Jump on my back."

"You're serious," Dean states, eyebrow raised.

"Jump on my back Dean," Castiel orders, clearly not taking no for an answer. With a laugh Dean jumps onto his back, wrapping his legs around Cas' waist, Cas grabbing onto them instantly. Dean wraps his arms around Cas' neck gently, reaching forward to kiss him on the cheek before resting his chin on Cas' shoulder.

"Giddy up then," Dean orders with a grin.

"What?" Castiel asks, confused.

Dean laughs harder, "I mean go."

Castiel nods in agreement, wading into the water, Dean holding on tightly as the waves lap against them both. Dean can't help but shriek when a large wave hits them, splashing his legs, but Cas doesn't seem perturbed by it, he just stands as still as a statue in the water, using his angelic strength to good use. And that's when Cas pretends to drop him, Dean dropping a couple of inches before Castiel pulls him back up again. Dean will never admit it to  _anyone_ but a girlish shriek escapes his throat, tightening his hold of Cas, very much wanting Cas to be devoured in the water for a moment as punishment but that would mean he would be devoured as well which he does _not_  want so instead he growls, "You're such a dick."

"But you still love me," Castiel murmurs with a small smile.

"Guess I'm an idiot then," Dean retorts into Cas' ear.

"I'm not going to disagree on that one," Castiel smiles wider.

"Hey!" Dean shouts, goes to swat Cas but he realises he can't because his arms are wrapped around his neck like a fucking koala. He really hopes that Sam can't see this from the house or he's going to get the complete piss taken out of him when they get back.

"Come on, let’s get out of the water," Castiel sighs, takes one last glance at the sea before turning his back on it, taking them back to the beach, "Are you going to get off?"

"Nope, going to guide you to our next destination," Dean kisses his cheek, suddenly feeling nervous at his picnic plan because fuck, what if Cas doesn't like it or thinks it’s stupid?  _No, shut up brain, he'll love it._

"It's a good job I'm an angel and still have my angelic strength then," Castiel jokes, making Dean grin, remembering when Cas would never have thought to make a joke, would have just looked at him blankly and took them both there. Cas is becoming more and more human, and not just physically, every day and right here, right now, it doesn't seem quite as terrifying.

"Like I said before, you're a dick," Dean replies, pointing one arm to where the picnic is hidden from their view, "It's just over there."

"What's just over here?" Castiel asks, frowning but he starts to walk slowly in that direction.

"Wait and see," Dean remarks, grinning against Cas' cheek as Cas walks quicker, stopping short when they finally reach their destination. Dean jumps off Cas' back and walks to the food. He looks back at Cas' face, feeling himself blush at how Cas stares at the blanket like it's the holy grail or something.

"You did all this?" Castiel asks, looking up to Dean's expression and even though Cas has super angelic strength, Dean's pretty sure he could tap him and he'd fall over in shock.

"Uh-huh," Dean smiles, walking forward and wrapping his arms around Cas' neck.

"When?" Castiel asks, still looking like he's in a state of awe.

"While you were sleeping, you sleeping for twelve hours every night like a log has finally come in handy," Dean nudges Cas with his hips, kissing Cas on the cheek.

Castiel blinks at him, "I love you Dean."

"You better," Dean winks, grinning, "I didn't go to all this trouble for nothing," he lowers his gaze to Cas' wet clothes, "Now take off your pants."

That seems to bring Cas back into reality, tilting his head at the remark, "Wait, what?"

"They're soaked," Dean grins.

"Oh," Castiel's face reddens as he looks down at his soaked jeans, "Only if you take yours off as well."

"Deal," Dean smirks, more than eager to follow Cas and tug his jeans off, throwing them to the side. Castiel pulls his t-shirt off too, momentarily distracting Dean before he tugs off his own t-shirt, both wearing nothing but their boxers. Dean can't help but attack Cas' mouth, Cas giving him access easily, moaning into Dean's mouth as Dean's fingers trail down Cas' chest. With difficulty, Dean stops the kiss, grabbing Cas' hand and pulling them down onto the blanket, Castiel letting him.

For someone that doesn't need to eat, Cas sure eats a lot, making downright filthy sounds as he tries the different foods, sampling everything, though seeming to enjoy the more sugary foods making Dean love him even more.

 

"Cas, again, really?" Dean complains though he smiles all the same.

"Please Dean?" Castiel asks with wide eyes, tugging at Dean's hand, practically pouting.

"Come on then," Dean rolls his eyes, letting himself be dragged to the sea for the fifteen thousandth time, not that he really minds, anything to make Cas smile. Castiel just stands in the water, gripping onto Dean's hand tightly, staring out into the sea, the sun starting to set. All of their journeys to the sea end the same, Cas wrapping himself around Dean, kissing him gently, Dean's hand finding Cas' hair and pulling him closer, their chests trapped together.

"Come on baby," Dean murmurs, pecking him on the mouth one final time before dragging him back to the blanket, Castiel huffing out a sigh but following him anyway. Dean lies down onto the blanket, pulling Cas down on top of him, Castiel's head resting against his chest. Dean wraps his arms around his waist tightly, smiling when Cas makes small patterns on Dean's chest absentmindedly.

Dean looks up at the sky, surprised at how quickly the day has left them, stars starting to take over the sky, so many more than what they can normally see in the cities of America. Dean sighs, tightening his hold of Cas, "Guess we gotta head back soon."

"Yes, I suppose so," Castiel agrees with a sigh of his own.

"Enjoy yourself today Cas?" Dean asks.

"Yes, thank you Dean," Castiel smiles secretively, watching his fingers glide against Dean's chest.

"Good," Dean smiles too, glad to have made Cas smile, to let him forget everything and just be happy with him.

"Why did you do all this?" Castiel asks curiously, lifting his head and resting his chin on Dean's chest to look Dean in the eye with quiet confusion.

Dean's face falls, not wanting to say this, to ruin the moment, "I don't know, we never get to have days off to just enjoy ourselves you know? We deserve to at least have one day where we just relax and have fun. And well, tomorrow I'm getting my stitches out which means- it means we can't keep delaying it anymore Cas."

Castiel's face falls too. He bites his lip but nods in agreement, fingers reaching for Dean's hand that's wrapped around Cas' waist, Dean grabbing on to his hand tightly, curling their fingers together. Castiel smiles at that and presses their slotted fingers to his lips.

"It's gonna work right?" Dean asks quietly because he knows what Chuck had said, knows that everyone and everything says he's going to be able to do it but he needs to hear it from Cas, needs to hear that Cas believes in him.

"Yes," Castiel replies, reaching up and kissing him softly, "It's going to work."

"Yeah, okay," Dean nods, exhaling slowly because that's all he needs, the knowledge that Cas believes that he can do this, is so sure of it. That belief will give him the strength to prove him right.

"We should go back to Chuck's now," Castiel murmurs. Dean knows that he's right, that they should head back, that tomorrow is going to be a big day. He's getting his stitches out and they're going to have to finalise their plans but even so, he still doesn't want to move. He wants to stay here with Cas forever, their own personal Heaven.

"Just give it a couple more minutes."

 


	22. Chapter 22

"Baby I told you, getting stitches out doesn't hurt," Dean tells him with a smile as they wait for the nurse to appear. As soon as they'd been ushered into the hospital room, Cas had taken Dean's hand, telling him with wide eyes that he could transfer the pain to him.

"But are you sure?" Castiel replies worriedly for the fiftieth time, tightening his hold of Dean's hand, biting his bottom lip.

"Cas, you're talking to me, of course I'm sure," Dean rolls his eyes because seriously, Dean has had more stitches than he can possibly count and he knows about this shit.

"Okay," Castiel says but still doesn't take his hand from Dean's, letting his free hand glide it's fingers up and down Dean's arm, making the hair there stand up.

The door opens and Castiel instantly stiffens, looking terrified for Dean as a petite, pale skinned woman comes walking in, a breezy smile on her face, "Hello, I'm Nurse Jones, I'm here to take your stitches out."

"Hey," Dean smiles easily back, squeezing Castiel's hand to remind him to smile too.

Nurse Jones' gaze glides over to their clasped hands and says with a soothing smile, "Don't worry, it doesn't hurt."

"See, what did I tell you Cas? They don't hurt, I'll be fine," Dean smiles at Cas, nudging him with their joined hands.

"You should listen to your husband, he's right," Nurse Jones smiles at the both of them as she lifts Dean's shirt.

"We're not-" Castiel starts to reply.

"Yeah Cas, listen to  _your husband,"_ Dean interrupts, winking at an open mouthed Castiel. Castiel stares at him for a moment, forgetting where they are entirely as his face breaks into a bashful grin. Dean winks at him again and squeezes his hand, grinning back at Cas, glad that he's finally distracted the angel from what they're really doing. Castiel doesn't take his eyes from Dean's face, doesn't even notice when the nurse starts to take the stitches out, too busy with smiling at Dean. In fact, he's so busy with staring at Dean that he doesn't even realise when the nurse starts to tell Dean that she's finished and that they're free to go.

"Cas?" Dean asks, raising an eyebrow.

"What?" Castiel asks, blinking confusedly when he notices that the nurse has left.

"Come on hubby, let's get out of here," Dean rolls his eyes, hopping off the bed and pulling Cas up to stand with him. He keeps a hold of Cas' hand, his thumb brushing against Cas' skin.

"Okay... Hubby?" Castiel says uncertainly, cheeks flushed. Dean chuckles, kisses Cas' cheek as Castiel lets out a content sigh, pecking Dean on the mouth before taking them back to Chuck's house.

Dean sighs, "We should go find Sam, finalise our plans for tomorrow."

"Yes," Castiel nods, his face falling a little. Dean kisses his forehead then brings their joined hands up to his mouth and kisses Cas' ring, something that always makes Cas relax and smile. Cas lets himself be kissed one more time before he drags them both to find Sam, Dean huffing out in annoyance.

The next thirty minutes they talk through their plans of defeating Lucifer, going through any possibility of it going wrong. Sam tries to question about what he'd voiced the day before, how they can possibly know that Lucifer will show up and why Lucifer will assume that Castiel will be alone but Dean shuts him up with a glare, Chuck coming to his rescue to say that Sam needn't worry about that. Dean knows it's not Sam's fault, that if he were in his position he would question that stuff too but feeling Cas stiffen underneath his touch makes Dean want to shout at Sam or throw something.

"Are we done here?" Dean asks after his head starts to pound, after they have gone over everything countless times, Castiel getting more and more pent up beside him, not even Dean holding his hand under the table calming him.

"Yeah, I guess so," Sam agrees with a tired nod, "We have everything sorted."

"Okay then," Dean says and squeezes the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb, Castiel squeezing his hand under the table comfortingly.

Castiel turns to him, "Now that that is out of the way, do you want me to take you to Bobby's?"

Dean nods, standing up and pulling Cas up with him, not losing his hold of the angel. Yesterday when they'd gotten back from their beach date, Cas had told Dean that he and Sam should spend some of their last day with Bobby, not because they wouldn't see him again but just because it felt like it was the right thing to do the day before they confronted Lucifer. Automatically, Dean had agreed to the idea.

"Take us away Cas," Dean smiles and lets Cas lead them to Sam. The angel waits for Sam to nod in agreement before he presses his palm to Sam's shoulder, taking them to Bobby's scrap yard.

"Are you sure you don't want to stick around? Bobby wouldn't mind," Dean offers.

"No, you and Sam go be with Bobby," Castiel smiles, "I'll be fine, I'll spend some time with Chuck."

"Yeah okay," Dean squeezes his hand, "I'll call you when we're done okay?"

"Okay, don't hurry on my account," Castiel nods. Dean reaches forward and kisses Cas on the lips, a small peck, both of them breaking into a grin as they lean back from each other.

"Ugh, you two, I'm standing right here, couldn't you-" Sam starts, wrinkling his nose.

Before Dean can retort, Castiel turns to meet Sam's gaze and says squarely, "Shut up Sam."

Sam opens his mouth to reply, looking at Cas open mouthed as Dean starts to cackle, dropping his forehead against Cas' shoulder as he laughs. Sam's laugh joins him, finding the notion of Cas telling him to shut up as hilarious as Dean thinks it is, patting a bemused Cas on the shoulder. Once they've both recovered, Dean kisses Cas one more time, Sam not saying anything though Dean can hear the frustrated sigh from his left, murmurs a quick goodbye against Cas' mouth before Castiel leaves them to it.

Sam shakes his head at Dean in amusement, "You're a bad influence on the guy."

"No, I'm a  _great_ influence," Dean grins, shoving Sam, "Now are we going to see the old guy or not?"

Sam huffs in annoyance at being pushed and gives Dean an epic bitch face before following him through the sea of car wrecks to Bobby's house. They only have to knock once and Bobby's suddenly there, looking down at them in distaste, "Thought I could hear you two giggling like schoolgirls."

"Nice to see you too Bobby, now move out of the way and let us in," Dean orders.

Bobby rolls his eyes but grins all the same and stalks back into the house, not even looking back to check whether Sam and Dean are following him, "I'm still pissed off with you two boys for not inviting me to the Lucifer showdown."

"We told you Bobby, you would just be in the way, there'd be nothing for you to do," Dean says, following Bobby in to the kitchen, catching a beer that’s flung at him.

"He's right,  _I'm_ backup so you would be the backup to a backup," Sam points out with a roll of the eyes. Dean knows that Sam isn't exactly happy with the idea of being just backup, that he wants to be more involved, to do something else, especially when Dean just  _knows_ he still feels guilty about helping Lucifer out of the cage. Sam obviously isn't happy but still, he hadn't disputed the idea, had nodded in agreement making Dean breathe easier because in all honesty, Dean doesn't want Sam as his back up because the prophecy says that Dean is the one to do it and not Sam, rather he wants it to keep Sam out of harm’s way. If he's his backup, it's much less likely that he'll get noticed by Lucifer and hurt.

"I know, I know, I just don't like it, that's all," Bobby says gruffly, arms crossed.

"Yeah but it's not just us, Cas'll be there," Dean points out, "And everyone says I do it and succeed so there's nothing to worry about."

"Oh please boy, I'd worry about you two idgits no matter what," Bobby retorts with a snort.

"Yeah, I guess we have died a couple of times, huh?" Sam says with a shrug.

"A Couple? I'm surprised you both haven't given me a heart attack!" Bobby growls, throwing a beer at Sam this time.

"How about we talk about something a little happier?" Dean asks with a raised eyebrow because he is sick of talking about Lucifer, is sick about thinking of his own untimely death, about how he's going to have to leave them all behind. He wants his last day before the showdown to be good, to be filled with laughter, not talking about shitty things like their past and future deaths.

"What, you want to talk about unicorns and rainbows?" Bobby smirks.

"It wouldn't surprise me," Sam mutters with a shit eating grin.

"Shut up Sam," Dean rolls his eyes, taking himself and his beer to the living room. He switches on Bobby's shitty television, flicking the channels until he finds something half decent. Sam and Bobby follow him after a moment, both holding different bowls of what can only be called bar food, making Dean grin as he starts to stuff his face. They easily watch television together, chatting about stories from when they were younger, even mentioning funny stories about John, Dean and Sam not finding it difficult anymore to talk about him, even joke. They hardly pay any attention to the television in front of them, branching from one story to the next, at times all of them laughing with tears in their eyes over particularly funny stories.

"I'm going to go get us some more food, we're running out," Sam says, shoving Dean's legs off the table so he can get past, Dean rolling his eyes at him and pointedly putting his feet back on the table. He's one of the very few people actually allowed to put his feet on the table without Bobby hitting him at the back of his head, one of the perks of being his adoptive son.

"So what's going on between you and that angel, huh?" Bobby blurts out, taking a casual sip of his beer.

"Wh-What?" Dean splutters, nearly choking on air like an idiot.

"Oh come on Dean, I'm not dumb, I saw you two cuddling up like cute little teddy bears with each other at the hospital. I asked Sam whether you two were dating or whatever you want to call it but he said I should ask you myself," Bobby rolls his eyes, tipping his head to look at Dean with curiosity.

"He should have just told you," Dean mumbles, feeling his cheeks flush.

"Well?" Bobby prompts, eyebrows raising into his cap.

"Me and Cas are together," Dean says, his cheeks reddening even more, not through shame, he couldn't be further from being ashamed of him and Cas but through pure embarrassment. He feels like a teenager again, squirming uncomfortably at his father figure's gaze.

Bobby stares at him for a moment before relaxing back onto the couch, "Good."

"Wait, what?" Dean asks.

"I said, good, good for you boy," Bobby nods.

"Oh, okay," Dean says, trying to get back to his calm and collected self and failing, feeling as flustered as ever.

"Why do you seem surprised? Did you think I was going to be some homophobic dick?" Bobby asks gruffly.

"What? No, course not," Dean replies, crossing his arms defensively.

"Then what's the problem?" Bobby asks, pressing his lips together.

"It's...complicated," Dean murmurs with a frown.

"Does he love you? Make you happy?" Bobby asks.

"Yeah," Dean replies, cheeks still flushed.

"And do you love him?" Bobby asks with a raised eyebrow.

"More than I thought possible," Dean replies instantly.

"Then that's all that matters boy," Bobby remarks.

"Yeah, you're right Bobby, thanks," Dean smiles because Bobby's right, through all the shit that he and Cas have been through, what they  _will_  go through in the future, they still ultimately love each other, will literally die for each other and that  _is_ all that matters.

"Don't mention it," Bobby waves his hand in dismissal.

"I don't just mean for this Bobby, thank you for everything. I mean, I love my dad and everything but let’s be honest, he wasn't exactly the best father around but  _you_  were. You stuck around, tried to give me and Sam a childhood when we were here and I don't know, just thanks for being there Bobby, don't ever forget how grateful I am for that," Dean smiles because it's true, Bobby had always been there, even when their father hadn't. Bobby had been the one to take Dean and Sam out to do kids stuff, to try and make them forget about guns and demons for a day and let them just be kids instead of soldiers and he'll never be able to thank Bobby enough for it, never be able to repay him for that.

"Why are you talking to me like this is goodbye?" Bobby demands.

"I know the prophecy says that I do this and I'm sure everything is going to be fine but just in case things-" Dean starts, still very aware that Lucifer could send him back, that this really could be his last time with Bobby, with Sam, with current Cas.

"Don't you fucking finish that sentence, don't you dare," Bobby points a finger at him angrily, "You don't come in here and say goodbye, you hear me?"

"Yeah, okay," Dean says, bewildered.

Sam walks in then, looking at them both awkwardly, "Is, er, everything okay?"

"Fine," Bobby says with an easy smile, "Now get over here with the food will you?"

Sam casts Dean a  _look,_ one to silently ask him what the fuck he's done but Dean just shakes his head, grabs the food from Sam and stuffs his face with chips as he considers that this really could be his last moments with Bobby and Sam together and that he should stop trying to stay goodbye and just fucking enjoy himself, let it be their best time together. Dean leads the conversation away from any awkwardness, Bobby staring at him with tense shoulders before slowly enjoying the conversation and soon, they're all laughing again.

"Guess you should be going soon then?" Bobby says after a while, all food eaten, and television forgotten.

"Yeah," Dean murmurs, not wanting to leave Bobby but also wanting to go back to Cas, pathetically missing him after only a few hours.

"Oh no, he's got his stupid love-struck face again," Sam rolls his eyes.

"Missing your angel?" Bobby smirks behind his beer bottle.

"So what if I am, shut up," Dean grumbles.

"Aw, ain't he cute?" Bobby drawls, Sam laughing beside him.

"I hate you both," Dean mutters, standing up.

"Come on, I'll show you both out," Bobby rolls his eyes, patting Dean on the shoulder before leading them both back to the scrap yard away from the angel sigils. Dean doesn't waste any time, pulls his phone out and rings Cas under Bobby and Sam's watchful eyes.

"Dean?" Castiel asks.

Dean can't help but grin at hearing Cas' voice, "Ready to come pick us up?"

Castiel doesn't answer and hangs up the phone at the exact time that he appears right next to Dean, pressed against Dean's side.

"I'll take that as a yes," Dean smirks, pushing his phone back in his pocket.

"Are you ready to go back to Chuck's?" Castiel asks.

"Why else would I ask you to come pick us up?" Dean rolls his eyes at Castiel asking the obvious, nudging Cas with his hip and he can't help but grin at the angel. Castiel gives him a small smile back, like he's forgotten they're in company, his hand finding Dean's. Dean feels his cheeks redden as he looks at Bobby and Sam who are just fucking standing there and watching them with massive grins on their faces.

"I'll take care of them Bobby," Castiel says gravely, holding onto Dean's hand tightly as he looks at Bobby.

"You better," Bobby scowls before walking up to the both of them, shaking Cas' free hand, "Good luck son."

Castiel's mouth opens in surprise, looking from Bobby to Dean, as if to silently ask Dean if he had heart right, whether Bobby had just called him son. Dean grins at him and squeezes his hand, fighting the urge to kiss him.

Castiel looks back at Bobby, swallows, "Thank you Bobby."

"Now you boys better get out of here, you're supposed to be getting ready to kill the devil for God's sake," Bobby huffs.

"See you after Bobby," Sam says, squeezing Bobby's shoulder before standing on the other side of Cas.

"Yeah, see you Bobby," Dean smiles, Bobby nodding at him for saying  _see you_ rather than  _goodbye._

Castiel looks at Dean questionably as to whether he can take them back to Chuck's now, Dean nodding in approval. They murmur another bye to Bobby before Castiel takes them back to Hawaii, transporting them to Chuck's sitting room. Chuck is there watching the television, not even blinking when they appear in front of him, just gesturing for them to move from where they're blocking the television screen.

Sam joins Chuck on the sofa and Castiel tugs at Dean, leading them to the other couch. Dean pulls Cas closely to him, arms wrapping around him. He kisses his temple as he tightens his arms around Cas, Castiel leaning into it with a smile.

"So how did you spend your day without me?" Dean smiles, mouth still pressed against Cas' skin.

Castiel's lips lift upwards, "I spent some time on the beach and then I talked with Chuck. I missed you."

"Missed you too Cas," Dean smiles against Cas' temple. Castiel hums in agreement, pressing closer to Dean's side, so close he's nearly sitting on Dean's lap.

"Bobby approves by the way," Dean murmurs, careful to make sure that Chuck and Sam can't hear, though Chuck has probably already fucking dreamt all this.

"What do you mean?" Castiel asks, looking up at Dean with a confused frown.

"I mean, he knows about me and you and he approves," Dean smiles, tightening his hold of the angel.

Castiel's face lights up, saying quietly, "He called me son."

Dean's heart warms and he kisses Cas' forehead, "He sure did baby, he sure did."

After that, they stay quiet, all watching the television in a comfortable silence, all of them probably thinking about tomorrow, about what could happen, that tomorrow they will save the world. Dean's thinking the same but there's still that niggling part of his brain that's thinking about how he might not come out of this, that he'll get sent back without saying a proper goodbye to Sam, without a proper goodbye to present Cas. He knows that if he does get sent back it will break Cas. He's certain that Sam will survive, will get through this, find a way to live without him, will have Bobby to look out for him while he gets back on his feet. But with Cas, he's not so sure. Even with Sam by his side, Chuck and Bobby too, he's not sure that Cas will survive this, will be able to lose Dean all over again. And that's what kills Dean the most, makes him want to be sick because no matter what, even if it's not tomorrow, he's going to be sent back and he's going to leave Cas for the second time and if Cas had acted the way he had last time even when there was a Dean Winchester still around, how is he going to react when Dean's gone for good?

"Are you okay Dean?" Castiel asks quietly with a concerned look, Sam and Chuck still watching the television, making small talk with each other, not noticing what's happening to the side of them.

"Yeah, I just-" Dean gulps, pressing a kiss to Cas' forehead, "I just love you so much Cas."

"I love you too Dean," Castiel leans forward to kiss Dean on the mouth, his hand reaching out for Dean's, entwining their fingers together, "I will always love you Dean."

Dean kisses Cas' neck and lets out a sigh, drenching in Cas and only Cas as he leans out and kisses Cas again, more insistent this time, holding tightly onto Cas' hand as an anchor. Castiel quickly rips his hand from Dean's making Dean break free from the kiss with confusion just in time to see Cas expertly catch a pillow aiming at their head. Dean and Cas both turn to glare at Sam who's pouting right back at them.

"If you're going to be gross and make out, go do it somewhere else," Sam crinkles his nose.

"Yeah, okay then," Dean smirks, grabs Cas' hand again and hoists them both from the sofa, Cas letting out a surprised noise from his throat, his cheeks flushed, “Cas and I will see you tomorrow because right now we're going to finish our possible last night with a bang."

"Ugh," Sam groans and in retaliation, he tries to throw another pillow at them but misses as Dean half runs, pulling a compliant Cas with him.

As soon as they reach their bedroom, Dean walks them both to the bed, Castiel falling backwards, pulling Dean down with him. Dean chuckles against Cas' mouth, straddling his hips as he kisses him forcefully, Castiel moaning into his mouth, pawing at Dean's clothes to try and get them off. Dean stills Cas' hands and kisses him in between taking his own t-shirt off, pulling Cas' t-shirt over his head, throwing them across the room. He attacks Cas mouth again, fingers running up and down Cas' bare chest, tweaking his nipples, Cas' hips bucking up against Dean, letting out an impatient groan.

" _Dean."_

"Patience baby, patience," Dean smirks. He nuzzles Cas' neck before sliding down Cas' torso, kissing just above the hemline of jeans, fingers grazing Cas' crotch over his jeans getting another buck of the hips. Slowly he pulls Cas' jeans down, pulling his boxers down with them, Castiel lifting his hips so Dean can pull them off properly. Once they’re thrown aside, Dean kisses up Cas' leg and inner thigh as he works his way back to Cas' mouth, giving Cas' cock slow lazy strokes as he kisses Cas before breaking free to pull off his own jeans and boxers, kicking them off as quickly as possible before falling in between Cas' legs.

"Want you Dean," Castiel pants, tugging on Dean's hair, " _Need_ you."

Dean nods and reaches blindly for the drawer beside their bed, managing to find the lube easily. Cas stills below as him as he watches Dean coat his fingers, watching him with blown pupils. Dean kisses Cas one more time, all teeth and tongues before slithering down Cas, kissing his inner thigh and sucking on the skin as he lets a finger tease Cas' hole. Castiel moans above him, fists holding onto the bed spread tightly.

"Dean, please," Castiel moans, trying to push himself down on Dean's finger. Dean sucks on Cas' thigh again as he lets his finger glide into Cas, muscles relaxed, letting Dean push the finger in and out easily. He lets his finger work for a while, Cas writhing beneath him, pleading for more. Smirking, Dean pushes a second finger in, this time taking a longer time for Cas' body to open up, before pushing a third and final finger in, opening Cas up slowly, letting his fingers occasionally hit against Cas' prostrate to hear Cas moan his name. Throughout it all, Castiel tries to grab onto a part of Dean, only finding his hair, holding on to it as he bucks his hips up to meet Dean's fingers.

When Dean is sure that Cas is ready for him, he coats himself, crawling back up to kiss Cas, pulling Cas' legs up. He kisses Cas' ankle in comfort as he positions himself right, slowly pushing his cock into Cas, fingers brushing up and down Cas' legs as he kisses Cas on the mouth gently. Castiel moans into his mouth, legs wrapping around Dean, forcing him further inside Cas.

"Move Dean, please," Castiel murmurs breathlessly, rising his hips off the bed, hands still in Dean's hair, tugging on it.

"Okay baby," Dean says, kissing Cas carefully as he starts to slowly move in and out of Cas, Castiel moving his hips to meet each thrust. Dean's fingers curl around Cas' cock, strokes to match each thrust. Castiel's hands move down to Dean's cheeks, forcing Dean to look Cas in the eye. Dean presses their foreheads together as he fastens his speed, moaning Cas' name into Cas' mouth, his thrusts becoming more erratic as he reaches closer to his orgasm.

"Love you Cas, so much, never going to stop loving you, no matter what," Dean rambles, so close now that he's not even sure of what he's saying.

Castiel leans upwards to kiss him gently, whispering hoarsely, "I love you Dean."

And that's when Dean loses it. He comes hard and fast, forcing himself to carry on moving in and out of Cas, burying his head in the crook of Cas' neck, biting on the skin there to try and stop himself from moaning too loud. Castiel's legs wrap around him tighter, arms wrapping around Dean's neck as he whispers more words of love into Dean's ear before his voice breaks into a moan as he comes, panting into Dean's skin.

Dean stills. Slowly, he pulls himself out of Cas as he kisses him, slow and gentle, Cas' legs dropping to the bed with a tired thud, fingers grazing up and down Dean's back, looking up at him with wonder.

"Hold on a sec," Dean murmurs, kissing Cas one last time before grabbing a damp towel from the bathroom to wipe them both clean. Once he’s cleaned them both, he throws it off the side of the bed and pulls Cas to him closely, back flush against Dean's chest, Dean’s arms wrapped around Cas, never wanting to let go.

Dean kisses the back of Cas' neck, murmuring just before falling asleep, "Love you baby."

He's fairly certain that Cas says it back but he's already fallen asleep to hear it.

 

This is it. The moment that they had all been pushing towards, the moment they were all equally looking forward to and dreading, the moment they would come face to face with Lucifer and kill him.

Dean watches Sam pull Cas into a hug, his arms wrapping around Cas easily, making Cas look smaller than ever, "Good luck Cas."

"And you," Castiel says, awkwardly patting Sam's back, obviously not used to hugging anyone but Dean. Even so, he pulls out of the hug with a smile.

"Well, hopefully you won't need me," Sam smiles, patting Cas on the shoulder before he looks over to Dean, "I'll be outside."

Dean looks over to Sam for a short moment and smiles at him, "Be there in a minute Sammy."

Dean's eyes cast back over to Cas as Sam pats Cas on the chest before walking out of the warehouse, shutting the door behind him. Dean takes the one step between him and Cas and wraps his arms around Cas' neck, pulling him in closely, pressing their foreheads together, knowing that this could be it, this could be his last moment with Cas, with  _this_ Cas at least.

"See you after okay?" Dean says shakily against Cas' mouth.

"Yes," Castiel murmurs, kissing Dean softly. Dean's hands glide from Cas' neck to his hair, tugging him closer, licking Cas' mouth until he opens it, tongues sliding against each other. Castiel wraps his arms around Dean's waist, pressing their bodies together, a moan escaping Dean's throat.

Dean breaks free of the kiss and whispers against Cas' mouth, "Love you Cas, okay."

"I love you Dean, always," Castiel promises with a kiss, a quick short peck.

Dean shuts his eyes, presses their foreheads together and sighs, "After this we'll go back to the beach and have loads of pancakes and burgers and ice cream and loads and loads of sex, we got a deal?"

"Deal," Castiel huffs out a laugh.

Slowly Dean pulls away from Cas, just enough to press a kiss to his forehead, choosing not to say  _goodbye_ even though this really could be it _,_ instead saying, "See you later baby."

Castiel grabs onto his shirt with his fists and pulls him back to a kiss, a quick brush of the lips, biting his lip as he lets go of Dean. Dean nods at him and smiles thinly. He takes in everything of Cas, of  _this_ Cas, before he turns his back to him, not looking back once because he knows if he does he'll run back to Cas and grab onto him and never let go. He would never be able to carry on with killing Lucifer if it means he might have to say goodbye to him. He shuts the door behind him with a thud, takes a deep breath and smiles shakily at Sam.

"You okay?" Sam asks.

Dean nods, "Yeah, I'm good, I think."

"Yeah, me too," Sam grins, pulling Dean into a hug, "We're gonna do this Dean."

"Yeah, we are," Dean smiles and shuts his eyes as they hug, considers this as a possible last hug with his little brother so he holds on to him for a little bit too long before he lets him go and grins, "Well,  _I_ am, you're just gonna stand there."

Sam rolls his eyes, "Shut up."

"Bitch," Dean grins, close to tears.

"Jerk," Sam playfully shoves him. They both grin at each other for a moment before turning back to the building, Dean watching through the slit in the door, watching Cas speaking the summoning carefully and loudly, no nerves in his voice, looking very much the angel that he is. They all stand in patient silence, Castiel's fists clenching and unclenching as he stands alone in the warehouse.

It feels like hours but it can only be ten or fifteen minutes before Lucifer appears.

Dean fights the urge to run forward and stab the guy over and over for how he had hurt Dean in his dreams, how he'd killed Dean, and more importantly, how much he'd hurt Cas. But he knows he needs to stick to the plan so instead, he slowly walks into the warehouse, Sam not far behind, both walking as quietly as possible. He vaguely hears Lucifer talking to Cas, something that's taunting no less. Dean watches Castiel's fist clench, his jaw furious and Dean only hopes that Castiel can stop himself from fighting out and going away from the plan.

When Dean's only a few feet away from Lucifer, something that seems to take Dean  _hours,_ he nods at Cas, their sign to tell him that he's ready.

Castiel must see it because he pulls out the colt from his pocket, muttering with conviction, "Fuck you."

There's a loud bang as Castiel shoots Lucifer in the chest, another way of distracting Lucifer. Castiel's eyes widen when Lucifer doesn't even take a step back from being shot, just looks down at the bullet in his chest.

"Castiel, please don't tell me you summoned me here to try and kill me," Lucifer grits out, "The colt doesn't hurt me you idiot."

"Yeah but this does," Dean growls. As he speaks, he slams Gabriel's blade forcefully into the back of Lucifer's neck, spurting right through the bone and skin.

" _Dean?_ " Lucifer manages to say as he turns to meet Dean's gaze. Dean really wishes he could hold the gaze, say some great last words like they do in the movies but the grace is pouring out of Lucifer making Dean shut his eyes and cower to stop himself being blinded. He feels a hand grip his shoulder, holding him in place and Dean feels himself start to panic, hears Lucifer bring out his own blade with a clang and fuck, he's going to kill him, he's going to change the past and future and kill him right here.

He hears Castiel scream in protest and then Dean, eyes still slammed shut, is flung across the room, hitting against the wall hard and still, Dean doesn't open his eyes. He covers his eyes with his hands and stays on the floor, hoping that it will be over soon. He hears more voices, possibly Sam's he's not sure, Lucifer's grace screaming out making Dean cover his ears instead, his face pressed to the floor as the light brightens, skimming through Dean's eyelids. When Dean thinks that he's going to be blinded, that his brain is going to explode, the noise and light ceases to exist, the room filling with a deathly silence.

Dean stays where he is for a moment before blinking, slowly unfurling himself from the floor. He looks down at himself in surprise because he's still here, Lucifer hasn't sent him back and he hasn't left Sam and Cas, he still has time with them. He looks up, ready to find Cas' face and smile, to run towards him with such ferocity that they both fall to the floor, to kiss him and never let go.

He looks across the warehouse with a smile, ready to just do that because  _they've fucking done it._

There are two sets of wings burnt onto the ground.

 


	23. Chapter 23

Dean is only vaguely aware that he's screaming Cas' name as he makes his way to the angel. With shaking hands, he pulls Cas up from the floor, one hand holding the back of Cas' head, the other cupping his cheek as he presses their foreheads together before he shakes Cas forcefully because this isn't happening, couldn't be happening. He can't lose him, he can't lose him, _p_ _lease don't make Dean lose him._

Dean leans out but he doesn't let his eyes lower from Cas' still face, doesn't want to see wherever the blade is in him. He can't do that, he refuses to.

He strokes Cas' cheek and because this had always worked when Cas had been having a nightmare, when he'd needed Cas to wake up and it has to work now, it  _has_ to, he murmurs "Come on baby, open your eyes, let me see your beautiful blues."

Cas stays unmoving in his arms, head lolling back as Dean's grip falters for a moment, mouth slightly parted, no sign of life left.

"Come on baby, please," Dean pleads, hand cupping Cas' cheek moving to grip onto Cas' t-shirt, bunching it in his fist. And that's a mistake because he feels the warm liquid under his palm, forcing him to look down to Cas' chest. He sees the blood that's fast drying on Cas' t-shirt, the t-shirt that Cas had borrowed off Dean, the blade still sticking into his heart. Still, Dean isn't crying; he feels like he should be when he pulls out the blade, throwing it as far across the room as he can. Numbly, he looks down at his now bloody hand and he wipes it frantically on his t-shirt before cupping Cas' cheek again, pressing his forehead to Cas', recoiling when he realises the skin is already growing cold.

"Cas?" Dean murmurs one last time, fingers gliding against Cas' cheek soothingly, up and down his jaw. There's still nothing, no reply, Cas limp in his arms.

Dean buries his head in Cas' chest, not caring if he gets blood on him. He screams Cas' name over and over into his chest, screams until his voice goes hoarse, screams until they turn into sobs, thick sobs ricocheting through his entire being, his whole body shaking as he realises that Cas is really gone, that this is really it, he's lost him, that it's all over now, that none of this, not even saving the world, is worth it without Cas.

He's not sure how long it takes him to stop crying, to stop shaking but at some point he stops, all tears shed as he leans out from Cas' chest to look at Cas' face, unchanged, still.

Dean presses a kiss to his cold forehead, too afraid to kiss his lips, not wanting to not get a reply from those chapped lips because it'll make it all the more real. He shifts Cas' body and pulls him into his hold, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist so he can pull him close, Cas' back pressed against Dean's chest. He buries his head in the crook of Cas' neck and shoulder, rocking them gently back and forth, never wanting to let go,  _refusing_ to let go because if he lets go that will be it, he'll have to say goodbye to Cas, will have to burn his body and-  _no,_ he's not going to do that,  _can't_ do that.

As he rocks them back and forth he wonders how Cas had managed it when he'd been forced into watching Dean die, how he'd managed to carry on. Sure, he'd still had nightmares, had been broken beyond repair but he'd managed to carry on living, to not give up. But then again, that had been different, a version of Dean had still been around, had been there to make Cas try and forget about Dean dying, to make him live for the Dean in front of him, rather than mourn the one that had left him.

That's when Dean realises that he could do the same, that there's a Cas waiting in the past for him, a Cas who wouldn't be  _his_ but he'd still be Cas, a Cas that Dean could actually save from the demons, from Zachariah, from Lucifer. He could save  _that_ Cas.

All this time, they'd been so caught up on the idea that angels would send Dean back they hadn't even considered the thought of Dean  _choosing_  to go back on his own terms. They hadn't considered the idea that Dean would lose Cas, would lose him and choose to go back to see him, to be with him again. Dean almost starts to laugh, feeling the hysteria bubble in his throat but he swallows it down quickly and instead tightens his hold of the Castiel in front of him.

"This is why I go back," Dean murmurs to himself, chin resting on Cas' shoulder, still rocking them, Cas placed between his legs, his body lax in Dean's arms. Dean tries to ignore the fact that Cas' skin has started to ashen into a purple grey, eyes sinking into his skull. He briefly wonders how long Cas had stayed with Dean's body, how long it had been until Dean had stopped looking like Dean in Cas' arms, how long it had taken Cas to do what Dean needs to do and let go.

"Dean?" Sam asks, voice thick. Dean looks up to find Sam sitting against the warehouse wall, knees to his chin, eyes rimmed red as he looks at Dean. There are too many emotions in that gaze for Dean to even count so Dean looks away, focusing on his arms wrapped around the angels' waist. He vaguely recalls that Sam had tried to get Dean to release Cas earlier. He doesn't even know how long ago that’s been but Dean had screamed at him until Sam stopped trying, had moved back to his spot at the wall, sniffling into his knees, leaving Dean to it, looking terrified.

"Go summon Gabriel," Dean murmurs.

"What?" Sam asks, voice wavering.

"We have all the things to summon him so go summon him," Dean says, voice hollow, making him wonder if that will ever go away, if Dean will ever be able to smile again.

"Dean-" Sam starts and Dean knows what he's going to say. He’s going to try and make Dean let go of Cas like before, to make him try and leave Cas, to carry on without him and he can't do that, he  _won't_ do that.

"Go summon him!" Dean screams, voice cracking, recoiling as he looks at the pure fear in Sam's eyes, how Sam looks like he's  _afraid_ of him, afraid of what he will do. Still, Dean doesn't apologise, just watches Sam nod like a scared animal, moving over to the spot where all the ingredients are for the summoning. He remembers that Cas had said that the summoning wouldn't work on them because of their sigils but Dean prays that he's wrong or that he'd been lying to protect them, that sigils stops normal prayers from getting through but specific summoning’s still worked. Because if the summoning doesn't work, if he can't get to Gabriel he doesn't know what he'll do because he needs the archangel to send him back. He’s his only hope of being sent back so he can see Cas again, see Cas alive and well, see those blue eyes looking at him again. He  _needs_ this.

He hears Sam start to chant the words of the summoning and Dean finally loosens his hold of the angel. Slowly he moves from under his body, gently laying Cas onto the cold floor. Dean brushes the hair from Cas' forehead back and carries on running his fingers through his hair, the only part of him that's still the same as when he had been alive, his face a pallor grey now. He tries to pretend that Cas is sleeping, to pretend his face still has colour in it, pretend the blood stains aren't there, that his chest is still rising and falling, that he'll wake up any minute but he can't make it work, his imagination working against him. All he sees is Cas' body the way it really is, the slowly rotting vessel that had once belonged to the man he loved.

A flutter of wings suddenly fills the silence, Dean snapping his head up to look at the archangel, watching as his gaze flickers to the mess around him, to Lucifer's body, to Castiel's.

"Oh," Gabriel says, at least having the fucking decency to look sad about it all but it's not enough for Dean, none of it will ever be enough.

"You," Dean snarls. He stands up and works his way to Lucifer's body, pulling out the blade from his neck. Without a though, he storms to Gabriel, Sam holding him back by grabbing him by the shoulder, "You son of a bitch, this is  _your_ fault."

"Dean, stop," Sam orders, fingernails digging into Dean's skin in what should be painful, should make Dean want to stop fighting against him but he carries on, welcomes any pain he can get, anything to make him  _feel._

"No," Dean growls, "This is  _his_  fault, if you would have been here, if you would have just fucking been here then Ca- Cas wouldn't-" Dean falters, only Sam's hold stopping him from collapsing to the floor, "he wouldn't- he wouldn't be-"

Gabriel looks at him for a moment, head cocked to the side which just  _isn't fair_ and then he murmurs to Sam, "Let him go, he won't get near me, don't worry."

Sam gives a quick glare at Gabriel before looking worriedly at Dean, standing in Dean's view of the archangel, looking at him like he's trying to diagnose him or something. Dean shrugs him off, Sam not fighting him this time, taking a step back. Dean doesn't waste any time in marching to Gabriel, ready to kill him because this is his fucking fault, if he would have just  _been here._

With a snap of Gabriel's fingers, the blade is gone from Dean's hand, now in Gabriel's as he stuffs it into his pocket with a strong jaw. It doesn't deter Dean though, he carries on marching, willing to strangle the guy if that's what it takes, at least do some damage to his vessel.

He screams at him, "This is your fucking fault. How could you let this happen? You could have stopped this, you could have stopped this ages ago, could have stopped  _all_ of this but instead you let us come and do it, let Cas die- you- you let him fucking die and you don't even give a fuck do you? You don't give a fuck that he's dead you soulless fucking robot and-"

Within a blink Dean is slammed against the wall, Sam shouting in protest but it's useless because he's arguing with an archangel who can turn him into a soot with a snap of his fingers. Dean doesn't even try and fight back, just blinks at Gabriel as he holds him by his shirt, his back pressed against the wall as his feet dangle from the floor and Dean feels like he should be afraid, should be trying to fight back but he's just too tired. He’s past caring now.

Gabriel gets into his personal space, his face furious as he snarls, "Are you forgetting that those two sets of wings on the floor were once my brothers? You have  _no idea_ how I am feeling right now so don't you dare try and pretend that I don't care, don't you dare try and pretend that you know what I am feeling."

Dean falters, his feet dropping back to the floor as Gabriel lets him go, too dumbfounded to even speak, to even comprehend what Gabriel has just said to him, to try and think about how Gabriel has not just lost one brother but two.

Gabriel glares at him, still not leaving his personal space, saying through gritted teeth, "And you know that if I would have been here we would have all died, not just Lucifer and Castiel. You know that I had no chance at killing Lucifer, that  _you_  had to be the one. If I had have been here, Lucifer would have saw through our plan and we would  _all_ be dead so don't even bother trying to blame this on me because you  _know_ I am right."

Dean nods at him silently, Gabriel shaking his head at him before leaving him at the wall, stepping away from him. Briefly, the archangel casts another glance at his two fallen brothers, his jaw clenching as he inhales sharply, looking more human than Dean has ever saw an angel other than Cas look.

"You have to take me back," Dean whispers, voice hoarse.

"Dean-" Sam starts, taking a step forward to Dean, probably to try and steady him. Dean is nearly falling to his knees, not strong enough now that he doesn't have Cas to fall on.

Gabriel shakes his head pityingly at him, "You can't change this Dean, even if I take you back, you won't be able to save Castiel."

Dean steps forward, "I'm not asking you to send me back to stop this, I'm asking you to send me back the day after Lucifer is freed, after the apocalypse starts."

"Now why would I do that?" Gabriel asks with raised eyebrows.

" _Because_ I'm asking you to and don't even pretend you won't because I know you say yes, you've already said yes because this has  _all_ already happened," Dean says, taking another step forward determinedly in the knowledge that he knows Gabriel says yes, he  _has_ to say yes.

"Dean, what are you talking about?" Sam asks from the side with confusion, looking from Gabriel and Dean, eyes still rimmed red from crying.

Gabriel stares at Dean for a moment, frowning at him before ever so slowly nods, "Fine. Now if you don't mind, I want to bury Lucifer's vessel and if you want me to, I can bury Ca-"

"No," Dean grits out, " _No_."

Gabriel nods, "Okay then, I'll be right back, do  _not_ go anywhere."

Gabriel disappears, Lucifer's vessel going with him. Dean briefly wonders who the vessel had originally been, whether he'd been a good guy or not, whether Lucifer had to have someone as evil as him or that the person who had once owned that body had been good, had been forced into it by Lucifer. Dean knows more than anyone how Lucifer can influence you, making him wonder how Lucifer could possibly have forced a person to say yes to him, to let him use his body to destroy the world. Dean can only hope that the vessel had been evil and deserved to die because if he didn't, he can't imagine what he must have been feeling watching Lucifer move around in his body, screaming him to stop as Lucifer killed hundreds and thousands of people.

Sam steps forward into his eye line, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and worry. He goes to place an arm on Dean's shoulder but seems to rethink it, dropping it to his side as he asks, "Dean, what was that, you saying you need to go back, that you know it's already happened?"

"Sam," Dean shakes his head, not wanting to explain this because explaining this is going to make it real, is going to make him have to say goodbye to his brother and he can't do it. He can't say goodbye to another person today, not to someone else he loves, he's not strong enough for that.

"Dean, tell me," Sam orders, never taking his eyes from Dean's.

Dean exhales slowly and drops to the floor inelegantly, his back resting against the wall as he keeps his eyes on Sam, not prepared to see Cas' body again, "We thought it was angels forcing me to."

"We?" Sam questions, moving to kneel in front of Dean.

"Me and Cas, we- we thought that the angels forced me back but we were wrong," Dean sighs, rubbing his eyes with his hand tiredly.

"What do you mean 'back'?" Sam asks slowly, looking like he doesn't want to know the answer. He can probably see it in Dean's eyes that he doesn't really want to know this and Dean just very much wants Sam to end the conversation and forget about it but he knows they can't. Sam needs to know this,  _deserves_  to know this.

"Remember the guy that saved you from the werewolf? That saved us from the demons?" Dean asks, waiting for Sam to nod before saying with a small smile, "That was me Sammy."

Sam frowns, shaking his head in disbelief, "No, no, it can't be."

"I was _Superman_ Sam," Dean smiles through shiny eyes, close to crying again but he doesn't care, will cry as much as he needs to.

"No," Sam says, mouth parted in shock.

"Yeah, I was the one that helped us and now I need to go back to do it, to save us all," Dean nods determinedly.

Sam shakes his head and leans over to squeeze Dean's shoulder, "But you don't have to."

Dean shakes his head, reaches forward and bunches Sam's t-shirt into his fist, "I do, I need to save you Sam and I need to save Cas so we can- so we can be together, so we can have this time together, you get that right?"

Sam stares at him, crying now, slow tears making tracks down his cheeks as he starts to understand, starts to get why Dean wants to do this, why he  _has_ to do this, stating through wet eyes, "But- But you'll come back."

"Sam," Dean chokes. He can't say the words, can't tell his little brother that he'll die, can't tell him that he won't be coming back, that Sam will have to carry on without him, that Dean won't be there to watch over him anymore.

"You'll come back though right?" Sam says, more insistent this time, squeezing Dean's shoulder painfully, "Even if you have to wait out the timeline, you'll eventually come back."

Dean shakes his head at him. He tries to swallow down a sob but he fails, tears bubbling to the surface at the thought of his little brother not having him around, not being able to look out for him, to protect him from the monsters, to protect him from the world. And he won't be there to watch him carry on living, to see him get out of this godforsaken job, to go live his life, to live it the way he deserves to.

" _Dean_ ," Sam pleads, knowing what Dean isn't telling him but refusing to accept it.

Dean gulps, saying it because he has to, "Lucifer traps Cas. He tricks him into meeting him at a warehouse, is ready to kill him. When I go back, I save him but by- but by saving Cas, I die."

"No," Sam shakes his head in refusal, "No."

"Remember when Cas came to you with the colt?" Dean asks softly, "How you said that he was a mess, that he wasn't like his normal self? He was like that because I'd just died Sammy."

"No, I'm not going to let you, I won't," Sam carries on shaking his head with conviction, his face scrunching up as he cries, looking like his four year old self, making Dean start to sob, shaking under Sam's hold.

"You have to Sammy," Dean murmurs, "You have to."

"No I don't," Sam proclaims.

"If I don't go back then we all die, that werewolf will kill you."

"I don't care," Sam grits out.

"But I do, I'm not going to let you die Sammy," Dean says, bringing his other hand to rest on Sam's neck, pushing their foreheads together.

"I'm not going to let  _you_ die," Sam whispers.

"You have to, it's what I want," Dean murmurs because it is, he wants to die now. He needs to go back and be with Cas, needs to have more moments with him, to see those baby blues looking back at him and then he needs to die to save him, just like Cas had done for him.

"How can this be what you want?" Sam asks, eyes crinkling in confusion, leaning out to shake his head at Dean.

"If you could go back and spend more time with Jess, even if it meant you had to die to save her, you would do it wouldn't you?" Dean asks softly.

"Dean," Sam starts, face crumbling.

"You would wouldn't you?" Dean says, not even a question because he knows Sam would, knows that Sam had loved Jess just like Dean loves Cas and if Dean would go back in a heartbeat to be with Cas, he damn sure knows that Sam would do the same for Jess. Sam doesn't reply, just stares at him in understanding, not something he seems to want to agree with, but understanding all the same.

"I have to do this Sam, I have to go back and save all our asses and I need to go back so I can be with Cas. I need to be with Cas Sam, I can't-" Dean gulps, hardly even able to get the words out, "I can't carry on without him, I just- I can't. And he's waiting for me in the past, I need to go back and make him fall in love with me all over again and then I'm going to- I'm going to die so we can have more time together, so we can have that damn date on the beach, you understand that don't you Sammy?"

Sam shuts his eyes, tears still pooling out but he nods, just once and that's all Dean needs, that's all he knows he's going to get. Sam isn't going to wave him happily goodbye as he goes back, Dean knows that, but now Dean can go back in the knowledge that Sam had understood, had agreed to this.

Dean shakes Sam so he opens his eyes, "You get out of this life you hear me? You never wanted this and I forced you back into it and then more and more shit happened so you couldn't get out but now you can."

"Dean," Sam starts, to probably try and tell Dean that it hadn't been his fault but Dean knows it is, knows he's the reason why Sam had been brought back into this life, taken from his normality. But then again, if Dean hadn't brought him back, he would still have been pulled in by Azazel and Dean's glad that he'd been the one to force him back so he'd been there to help Sam through all that shit, to save him.

"We saved the world Sammy, that means that you can go live your life now. Go back to Stanford or whatever the hell you want, go find a girl dumb enough to marry you," Dean grins, Sam laughing shakily at him, "have some cute chubby kids that'll end up being giants because they've got you for a dad. Just- go live your life Sam."

Sam smiles through the tears, swallowing as Dean pats Sam's chest and asks quietly, "Do we have a deal?"

Sam shuts his eyes tightly, lets out a slow breath before nodding with a whisper, "Yeah, we have a deal."

"Good," Dean says, managing a smile in the knowledge that his brother will be okay without him, will go live the life he deserves, will get to be an ordinary kid, go to college, have a family, forget about monsters and just  _live his life._

Sam opens his eyes, looks at Dean with such grief, such pity as he murmurs, his voice cracking, "I'm so sorry Dean."

Dean doesn't dare speak because he knows he won't be able to so he just settles on a nod, letting himself be enveloped in a hug, Sam squeezes him painfully, not saying another word, knowing that saying anything else won't help. It won't stop Cas from being dead, it won't stop Dean from going back and getting himself killed either. Dean leans out of the hug and gives Sam a small smile before leaving Sam's arms altogether. He stands up just in time for the flutter of wings to fill the room, a sound that now makes Dean's heart squeeze painfully.

Dean turns to Gabriel and wonders whether he'd given them this time so they could have the conversation they'd had, knowing that they'd needed to have it. Dean lets out a small nod before he runs his hand over his face.

Gabriel says matter-of-factly, "Well, Lucifer's vessel is out of the way. I'm guessing before you go back Dean, you want to burn Castiel's vessel?"

Dean gulps, wondering whether he'll be able to do this, to watch Cas' body burn in front of him, to know that it's really over. He nods in reply, jaw tightening.

"I can help, if you want me too," Gabriel offers, no sign of his usual sarcasm. Dean looks at him for a moment and then nods, knowing that it would be easier for the archangel to help them, it's the least he could do for them. Besides, Dean wants to burn Cas' body at the beach, the memory of the one selfish day where they hadn't a care in the world. He knows it’s the best place to say goodbye to him. And if he wants that, then they need Gabriel to take them there because it's impossible to get from where they are to Hawaii with a body without him.

"Okay, where do you want to go?" Gabriel asks. Dean lets Sam tell him the location, listens in silence as Sam tells him where they had been staying for the past few days, Sam obviously reading Dean's mind on where he wants to go, or just thinking that's the appropriate place too.

"Okay then, off we go," Gabriel says.

"Wait," Dean calls out, halting a frowning Gabriel. Dean ignores the questioning glare and turns his back on Gabriel and Sam, taking a deep breath before walking back to Castiel who is exactly where Dean had left him. Dean frowns as he kneels next to him, noticing that the colour is back in his skin, eyes no longer sunken, not even a sign of blood on him. He gives a quick glance back at Gabriel and he only has to look at him for a moment to realise that the archangel had done it, had made Castiel look more like he's sleeping. He doesn't know whether the archangel had done it for Dean's benefit or for his own but Dean doesn't care, is grateful for it all the same.

Dean gently scoops Castiel in his arms just like a groom would hold his new bride, holding him tightly to his chest as he tries to ignore how Castiel's head lolls back in his hold, a dead weight in his arms.

Dean turns back to his heartbroken looking brother and Gabriel, looks up at the archangel and murmurs, "Okay, you can take us now."

With a quick flutter of wings they all find themselves to be in Chuck's living room, Sam and Dean not even blinking in surprise now, so used to being transported around by Castiel. Dean looks down at the angel in his arms, not wanting to let go but knowing he has to. Gently, he lays him out on the sofa and cards a hand through his hair, murmuring to anyone who is listening, "I want him to be burned on the beach, no one will interrupt us and I want- I think that's the best place."

"That I can do," Gabriel replies.

Dean finally stands up, takes his gaze from Castiel and mutters, "I need to go pack."

"Do you need help?" Sam asks softly.

Dean is ready to say no but then he realises that these are the last few hours he has left with his brother so he nods and lets Sam follow him from the room. Gabriel chooses to stay in the living room, sitting down on the other sofa, exactly where Dean and Cas had been sitting not twenty four hours ago.

Dean walks tiredly to his and Cas' bedroom, wondering whether he's going to be able to go through their stuff, to see their unmade bed, see the clothes that Cas had been borrowing mixed in with all his other things, see their toothbrushes next to each other in the bathroom. He's starting to think that bringing Sam with him is probably a bad idea, he doesn't want his little brother have to watch him break down again.

He halts his step when he walks past Chuck's bedroom. Chuck is sitting on his bed with his head in his hands and then Dean knows, he just  _knows_ that Chuck had known about this, had known that Cas would die, had known it before they'd left this morning and he'd just let it happen.

Before he even knows what he's doing he's storming into Chuck's bedroom, shutting the door on a shouting Sam, putting a chair against the door, knowing it will stop Sam for a little while.

"Dean, think about this," Sam shouts, banging his fists against the door but Dean ignores him and looks back to a now standing Chuck.

Dean swallows, takes a few steps forward until there's only a foot between them and asks quietly, "Did you know?"

Chuck stares at him for what feels like hours before nodding.

Dean punches him across the face, Chuck stumbling against his fist. Dean holds him up by grabbing at his shirt, lets his other hand design itself into a fist and pummels it into Chuck's face over and over, pushing Chuck until his back is against the wall. He hears Sam shouting some more from the other side of the door, calling for Gabriel to open the door but Dean hardly even hears him. He hits Chuck over and over, his fists becoming a bloody mess, coating in his and Chuck's blood, Chuck not even fighting back. He lets Dean keep punching him, falling to the floor when Dean drops him with a thud. Even then Chuck doesn't try and fight back, doesn't try and defend himself as Dean starts to kick him, screaming at him because he'd done this, he'd let it happen, he'd been Cas'  _friend_ and he'd let him  _die._ He'd let Cas die.

Dean drops to his knees to start punching Chuck again but stops, his fist in the air as he sees Chuck crying silently, his whole body shaking and Dean just knows it's not from the pain, not from what Dean is doing to him, but because of what he had to do, because he'd had to let his friend die.

A sob escapes Dean's throat and he drops his arm, whispering brokenly, "Why did you let him die Chuck?"

Chuck shuts his eyes, his face a bloody mess, "I didn't want to."

"Then why?" Dean asks, tears falling heavily now, Chuck doing the same.

Chuck looks up at him, one eye swollen shut, "Because it had to happen, he had to die so you would go back."

"I would have gone back eventually, even if he were alive," Dean protests weakly, ignoring the frantic shouts from Sam.

Chuck shakes his head, "No you wouldn't. Castiel would never have let you, you know that."

Dean shuts his eyes. He knows that Chuck is right, that even if Dean had wanted to go back, had wanted to leave Cas and Sam, Castiel would have figured it out and stopped him, enlisted Sam if he had had to.

"I didn't want him to die Dean, you have to understand that," Chuck murmurs, "He was- He was my friend and a good man and he shouldn't- he shouldn't have had to die but he did and even if I had told you, had warned you, you wouldn't have been able to stop it. Castiel would never have let you and Sam go there without him. He would have gone into that warehouse even if he knew he would die there to protect you."

"Just like I'm about to," Dean whispers.

"Yeah," Chuck sighs, "Just like you."

Dean lets out a shaky sigh before standing up, holding his hand out. Chuck stares at him for a moment before grabbing his hand and letting himself be pulled up, his entire face a bloody mess, looking like Dean had broken his nose, maybe even his jaw. Dean turns his back on him because he doesn't want to see what he had just done to his friend, to  _Cas'_ friend. Slowly, he removes the chair from the door, Sam bursting in with a horrified glance when he sees Chuck.

Dean shouts, his voice wavering, "Gabriel, come and heal Chuck."

Gabriel appears. He doesn't even look surprised to see the state of Chuck who Sam is holding upright. Simply, he just places a fingertip on Chuck's forehead, the blood and injuries disappearing like they'd never been there in the first place. Dean leaves the three of them to finally go into his bedroom, Sam not following him this time, choosing to stay with Chuck.

With a hollow feeling Dean packs his things, pulling Zachariah's blade from the back of his jeans and placing it in a bag, stuffing clothes in there, not even noticing which ones. Vaguely, he sees ones that Castiel had borrowed in the mix but he chooses to ignore that, just like he chooses to ignore their unmade bed, two mugs still on the bedside table that Dean had brought in after Castiel had woken up grumpily, his forehead wrinkled. Dean gulps and tries to go as quickly as possible, stuffing clothes and weapons into the same bag, before quickly leaving the room before he suffocates. He doesn't even look back once, can't bear to do it, to see their room empty so he carries on walking and goes back to the living room, halting in his steps when he sees that Cas' body has gone.

"Gabriel?" Dean shouts.

Gabriel appears in front of him, saying slowly, "Everyone is outside waiting for you. Drop your bag and I'll take you to them."

Dean wants to say that he can walk to the beach without Gabriel using his fucking wings but he's too tired to argue and truthfully, he doesn't want to make his way to the beach without Cas in tow so he just drops the bag to the floor and lets Gabriel transport them to the beach.

The sun is setting on the horizon, the sky a mixture of oranges and pinks, a perfect backdrop for what they're about to do, reminds Dean of only two days ago, where he and Cas had laid out on the beach for hours on end, waited for the sun to set before walking back to the house, hand in hand.

Dean gulps and looks at Cas' still body on a bed of wood, an intricate design of bark twined together to hold Cas' body until it burns, the wood going with him.

Tearing his eyes from Cas, he looks around, sees Sam staring at him worriedly, tearing his bottom lip to shreds. Chuck stands a little way away, no sign of their earlier scuffle. He looks at Dean like he's wondering whether he's welcome, whether he should be there. Dean gives him a curt nod and a shaky smile to take that thought away, Chuck nodding back at him, fiddling with his hands.

It's only then that he realises that there's someone standing next to Sam, a welcome figure that for some reason makes Dean want to cry.

"Bobby?"

Bobby walks up to him in three easy strides, wraps his arms around him and holds him tightly, murmuring gruffly, "I'm sorry son, I'm so sorry."

Dean nods dumbly into Bobby's shoulder. He takes a hold of Bobby's shirt for a moment, shuts his eyes and lets himself be held until he breaks free, giving him a thin smile through the tears threatening to escape.

Bobby looks at him, looking the most concerned that he's ever seen him alongside when Sam had died, patting him on the shoulder, "He was a good kid, one of the best."

Dean nods again, not being able to speak, not finding the energy. Bobby seems to understand though as he does the talking for both of them, saying quietly, "Sam tells me you're going back to be with him, that you were _Superman_."

Dean averts his gaze and nods again, getting ready for Bobby to tell him not to go just like Sam had. Dean’s unsure as to whether he has it in him to argue anymore.

"Good," Bobby says, Dean opening his mouth in surprise, "You go back and be with him."

"You do-" Dean asks carefully, finally finding his voice, "You do realise that by going back I'm going to die?"

Bobby pulls a face, gritting out, "Yes but I'm also aware that if you don't go back you all die anyway and more importantly, you and that damn angel won't have ever gotten together."

Dean stares at him some more before shaking his head, even lets out a huff of air which is close to laughter because somehow, for whatever reason, Bobby gets it, doesn't even have to ask for Dean to explain what others would see as a stupid decision. He just agrees with him and  _understands._

Dean pats Bobby on the chest as a way of saying thank you, Bobby smiling thinly at him.

Gabriel clears his throat, all of them turning to look at a rather awkward looking archangel as he murmurs, "Shall we get this show on the road?"

"Hold on," Dean says, holding a hand up to halt whatever his plans are, Gabriel nodding patiently and Dean wonders why Gabriel is suddenly being  _nice._ Dean can only guess that he looks so much of a state that even the dickiest archangel of the lord is feeling sorry for him.

With a slow inhale of sea air he walks slowly to Castiel, the three humans and archangel staying where they are, leaving Dean to it.

Again, Dean silently thanks Gabriel for making Castiel look less like a corpse, making it easier for Dean to look at him. When he reaches the angel, he brushes his hand through his hair, letting his other hand entwine with Castiel's cold fingers.

"Hey baby," Dean whispers, fingers still carding through Cas' hair slowly, "I'm really- Fuck, I don't know how to do this, how to say goodb- I don't even know where you- where angels go once they-"

Dean lets out a shaky breath, tries to steady his breathing so he can do this dammit, a small sense of surprise that he's not crying, that he's holding himself together a little bit at least.

Dean murmurs, "I know wherever you are you're going to be pissed that I'm going back. You're probably thinking that you've just saved me and now I'm going back to die anyway and- I don't want you dying to protect me to be for nothing but you shouldn't- you shouldn't have done that Cas, you shouldn't have died for me, you shouldn't," he lets out a humourless laugh, "But then again I'm being a hypocrite here right because I'm going back to die for you so- so I guess we're as bad as each other...

“But, wherever you are, I hope you get it, why I have to go back. I need to save Sam and I need to save you because if I don't go back, then me and you, we won't have ever gotten together and I know it's selfish for me to go back to force this path on us, to make us die for each other but I'm figuring if anyone gets it then you do. I know if it was the other way around you'd do the same, would go back to have more time with me so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to back and be with you and then- and then I'm going to die for you because I want to, because I- because I can't live without you Cas and I don't  _want_ to."

Dean sighs slowly and leans down to kiss Cas on his forehead, before resting his own forehead against Cas', murmuring brokenly, "I love you so much baby."

And with that he finally releases Cas' cold hand, kisses his forehead once more before turning his back on him, giving Gabriel a quick nod to let him know that he's ready. Automatically, he feels the heat behind him as Castiel's body starts to burn. Dean carries on walking until he's standing a few feet in front of Sam and Bobby before turning back to look at Cas, to watch the fire flicker and spit as the sun sets behind him.

They all watch in silence, Gabriel using his mojo to make it go quicker than it normally should and even though Dean should probably be pissed that he's doing that, he's relieved, happy that he doesn't have to watch Cas' body burn for too long. As he watches he wonders how the hell Cas had done this alone.

When the fire finally flickers into small flames, Dean turns to the rest of them, not surprised to see Sam is crying, Chuck too. He makes his slow way to Chuck first, Chuck gulping at him before Dean sighs and pulls him into a hug, Chuck making a startled noise at the back of his throat.

"I don't blame you okay," Dean murmurs before breaking the hug, looking at Chuck for a moment who's staring at him with wide eyes before he nods wordlessly. Dean pats him on the shoulder before leaving him to it, not knowing what else to say to him. He knows that the only thing that Chuck needed from him is forgiveness, for him not to blame him.

He makes his way to Bobby next, smiling thinly at him as Bobby wraps his arms around him once more, muttering into Dean's ear, "You go back and make him fall in love with you all over again, you hear me?"

Dean leans out and nods with a shaky laugh, sliding his eyes over to Sam as he murmurs, "Just look out for Sammy please?"

"Course I will," Bobby nods, falters, eyes starting to water, "You- You look after yourself okay?"

"Yeah," Dean smiles hollowly, "Thanks for everything Bobby."

"Don't mention it," Bobby says gruffly, "Now get out of here."

"Yeah, okay," Dean smiles, "Bye Bobby."

Bobby just nods and looks away as he sniffs. Dean pats him on the shoulder before knocking his hat which makes Bobby shove him roughly with a chuckle, making Dean smile back.

Taking a deep breath Dean goes to Sam who's still crying, face crumbling as he pulls Dean into a hug. Dean holds him just as tightly back, murmuring with a huff of air, "Stop crying like a girl Sam."

Sam laughs into his shoulder before he starts crying again, Dean holding him with closed eyes, realising that this really is it, that this is the last time he's going to see his little brother, at least while they're both alive anyway. That gives him a thought as he pulls out of Sam's tight hold, "Hey, we'll see each other again up in the clouds. However the hell Heaven works, I'll figure it out and see you up there okay?"

Sam smiles thinly, "Yeah, okay."

"But I better not be seeing you up there for a long time, want you to turn up old and grey, you hear me?"

Sam laughs at that, "Okay Dean."

Dean wavers, hugs Sam once more, before stepping back from him, forcing a smile, "Bye Sammy."

Sam smiles back, cheeks wet from crying which Dean wipes away for him, Sam smiling wider at that as he exhales slowly, "Bye Dean."

Dean nods at him, stares at him for a moment to take him all in, the boy that he'd basically brought up, had been a mother and a father to, not just his big brother. It reminds him that he's doing this for Sam too, to save him and he's not going to fall apart when Dean goes back. He's a grown up now and can take care of himself, can live his life however the hell he wants to.

Dean gulps before looking up to where Gabriel is standing, several feet away from them all, muttering, "I'm ready."

Gabriel gives him a curt nod before transporting Dean and himself back to Chuck's house. Dean swallows down the tears threatening to escape because he's just left all of his family on that beach. Instead, he picks up his bag and slings it over his shoulder, looking at Gabriel expectantly.

Gabriel tilts his head thoughtfully, "After I take you back I'm going to go to Heaven. I figure it's a mess up there now that you've defied all the odds and killed Lucifer. I'll go up there and fix it, put them all in their rightful place and as much as I hate it, I'll be their damn leader, make it so none of them think of any more great ideas to try and kill all of humanity."

Dean shakes his head in confusion, "Why are you telling me this?"

Gabriel rolls his eyes, "So you know that Lucifer is going to stay dead and that the angels aren't going to do any more stupid fucking things. So you know that you don't die for nothing."

Dean lifts his chin up defensively, "I'm not dying for nothing, I save Cas, that's not nothing."

Gabriel's eyes soften as he sighs, "Okay, I'm telling you so you know that Cas didn't die for nothing."

Dean swallows heavily before replying softly, "Yeah, okay."

Gabriel shrugs, "Just want you to know that all you've done to kill Lucifer hasn't gone to waste, that's all."

Dean narrows his eyes, "Why are you being so nice to me?"

Gabriel sighs dramatically, folding his arms, "Did it ever occur to you that you and Sam are my favourite humans? I mean, do you really think that anyone that's crossed me has ever survived, that I've let them carry on living their lives? All that I did for you two  _idiots_ is try and help you along, me killing you over and over was trying to help Sam you know, to get him prepared to lose you. As annoying as you two are- and I swear to my Father, you  _are_ the most annoying people I've ever met- you get under people's skin," he sighs dramatically, "and regretfully you somehow managed to get under mine."

"Me and Sam are your favourite humans?" Dean asks slowly, choking on hysterical laughter that bubbles in his throat.

Gabriel narrows his eyes, "If you tell anyone that titbit of information I'll make you suffer and you know me, I'm pretty genius at finding inventive ways to do that."

Dean shakes his head in amusement, "This doesn't change the fact that I think you're a dick."

"I think you're a dick too Deano but hey," Gabriel shrugs, rolling his eyes before asking seriously, "So, are we going to get this show on the road or what?"

Dean braces himself, nods tightly, "Yeah, take me back."


	24. Chapter 24

It's fair to say that Dean isn't coping well. He's situated at a motel room not far from where he has to save his past self and Sam from the werewolf and he hasn't left the motel complex in days. He knows he should but he can't find the effort, has to physically force himself to shower, to change clothes, to leave his motel room and take the few steps to the vending machine and grab any food that's in there before shuffling back to his room. He  _knows_  that he should make the effort, to move out of the stifling motel room, to get some fresh air but he doesn't want to, is on edge all the time that he figures if he joins society for even half an hour he'll probably have some break down and they'll coax him off to a loony bin.

No, its better to say in the confinements of the motel room where he can break down as much as he wants. And he does. Whenever something shifts his mind into thinking about Cas, whether it be seeing clothes in his bag that Cas had worn or a television show that they had watched together, he crumbles, cries until he can't anymore, curled up in bed, missing the oh so familiar warmth that would normally be pressed up against him.

If Dean during the day is bad, then Dean during the night is close to hell. Every night he dreams the same dream, of Cas screaming as his grace pours out, of wing marks, that Dean had only saw once before, scorched onto the ground. Each night he wakes up screaming into his pillow, trying hard to muffle the sounds as sweat drips off him, hands clenched into fists, holding onto the flimsy bed spread below him as he tries to calm himself, to get himself back to reality. It takes a longer time than Dean wants it to, screams turning into sharp, painful sobs, punching at the pillow to try and get his frustrations out, one time even punching the wall, making his knuckles bleed, blood splattering onto the wall which reminds him of something else so he doesn't do that again, calmly wipes away any traces of blood and forgets it ever happened.

It's over a week after the apocalypse has started, over a week since Gabriel had sent Dean back to his past and tomorrow is the day that Dean is going to have to leave the motel room, is going to have to follow his past self and his little brother and save them from a werewolf. He doesn't know how he's going to cope because seeing them, seeing his past self and Sam, will just remind him that somewhere out there Cas is alive, is still breathing, blue eyes still shining in the light. And that thought makes him want to cry all over again, just the thought of Cas, not  _his_ Cas, but Cas all the same is out there, that Dean is going to have to see him soon and _God_ does Dean want to see him but he also doesn't, can't bear to see the angel that he loves, especially when the angel doesn't want him back, not yet anyway.

Still, the next morning after sitting around since 4 am after he'd woken up screaming, he finally leaves his motel room, gets into the car that Gabriel had given to him before he had left him here and starts to drive to his destination. Being in the car makes his heart lurch, missing his car, missing Sam, missing Cas but he shuts that away, puts it behind a door that he'll deal with later because right now he needs to focus on saving his little brother, he can't mess this up.

When he gets there, he drives past the impala, parks his car around the corner, not too far away that Dean can't make a quick get away. He grabs his gun and stuffs it into the back of his jeans, looks at the time on his phone, waits until it's time before he walks quietly to the building, letting himself in. He remembers where it is, where his past self is knocked out on the ground, where is brother is very nearly going to get his heart ripped out. He gets there quickly, falters when he sees his past self sprawled on the floor who is slowly coming too, eyes too focused on his little brother to notice his future self standing there, wishes he could go up to him and shake him, tell him what's going to happen and tell him to prevent it, to stop Cas from dying, to get with Cas sooner and stop thinking he doesn't want him back. But he doesn't. Instead, he points his gun at the werewolf's back, silently grateful that the werewolf is blocking his view of his little brother, not wanting to see him because it'll hurt too damn much.

Four gunshots fill the air and before the werewolf drops to the ground Dean turns his back and leaves the room, quickly leaving because he knows his past self and Sam are going to come looking soon, doesn't stop until he's in his car and he's driving as far away as possible, hands clenched on the steering wheel as he carries on driving, prepared to drive until he makes it to where he's next needed, a warehouse in Detroit that's going to be full of demons. He knows that's not until a while from now but that doesn't stop him from driving because it makes him think about something else, makes him feel like he's actually  _doing_ something.

After a few hours he even makes an effort and walks into a diner, one that looks like all the rest he's been in, sits heavily in a booth, away from anyone else as he hollowly asks for a coffee and a sandwich, not wanting to have a burger because that will only bring up memories and he can't have that, can't break down in the middle of a fucking diner. The waitress looks at him oddly but doesn't say anything, doesn't remark about how much a mess Dean looks because Dean knows already, knows that he has dark circles under his eyes, cheeks hollowing slightly after the lack of good food, that his clothes are wrinkled, looking so very much like how Cas had looked after he had returned to Dean after Dean's future self had died. Dean shakes his head, takes any thoughts of Cas out of his brain, tries so damn hard to but every time he does, another memory pops up, taunting him, making him want to scream.

The waitress comes back a short time after, places a warm coffee under his nose and a sandwich that doesn't look appetising at all. Dean tries to force out a smile, the waitress frowning at him which means Dean's done a terrible job at it, watches the waitress saunter off and start to flirt with another customer. Just watching other people makes him feel so very alone in all this. He knows he could call Chuck but he remembers their phone call when Dean had first came back, had called him in the knowledge that Chuck knew he was here, had told him shortly that he couldn't tell Sam and his past self and Chuck had agreed to it but then it had gotten terrible, Chuck asking him questions that Dean couldn't and didn't  _want_  to answer so he'd slammed the phone shut and ignored it whenever it had rang again. No, he can't talk to Chuck, even though Chuck had probably already guessed why Dean wakes up screaming Cas' name, why he's a shell of what he had been before. Even so, Dean doesn't want to talk about it, not even with someone he considers a friend, prefers to hold the burden alone.

It's another week before he has to save them from the demons in Detroit so he books a motel room not far from the warehouse and tries his hardest to get better. He forces himself to leave the motel room at least once a day, goes to a laundromat and cleans all his clothes, leaving the ones that Cas had borrowed in the bottom of his bag, not ready to wash away Cas' smell. He goes to a diner twice a day, has breakfast and dinner there, forces himself to eat even though he's not hungry. The waitress Glenda even gets to recognise him and Dean slowly but surely makes small conversation with her, even manages to smile once or twice. Glenda's the kind of person to tell you everything, tell you about her life even if you hadn't asked but Dean welcomes it, listens with patience, anything to get his mind to think about something else, smiles when Glenda talks about her grandson who's just turned two, aptly named the 'terrible toddle phase' making Dean smile.

It isn't until she starts to talk about her late husband that Dean's hands go clammy.

Glenda shrugs, tapping her fingers across the mug in her hands, the diner empty enough that she can chat with Dean for a while, "I just wish he was here to see little Danny running around, see what a little maniac our daughter has made. "

Dean coughs out a reply of agreement, hands tightening his grip on the cup of coffee.

Glenda sighs, her eyes giving a faraway look, not really looking at Dean, "You know, it's been five years but I still miss him, I still think about him all the time. "

Dean feels his throat close up, the urge to vomit or cry, he doesn't know, in the forefront of his mind. Glenda finally blinks out of her memory, looks at Dean, must notice the fact that Dean's struggling to breathe, her face falling, "I'm sorry, here's me whittling on about things you don't care about."

"No," Dean shakes his head, voice cracking painfully, "It's not that."

Glenda's eyebrows furrow in concern, places a hand on Dean's arm gently, "Are you okay?"

Dean coughs, "Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Glenda asks.

Dean drops his half drunken coffee onto the table and carefully slides from Glenda's hand and stands up, muttering a sorry and a goodbye before quickly leaving the diner, ignoring Glenda's concerned calls. Dean slams the car door shut behind him, manages to drive half a mile before the tears are blurring his vision, somehow finds himself on an abandoned road so he pulls over, drops his forehead on the steering wall as sobs echo from his throat, feeling like a fucking idiot because all Glenda had done is talk about her dead husband and he's somehow brought it back to Cas and he's fucking sick of this, bashes his head against the steering wheel in frustration until the tears dry out.

He doesn't go back to the diner again.

* * *

 

Days roll by slowly and finally the day of the demons comes upon him. He wakes up early in the morning, doesn't even bother with breakfast, just packs his bag and leaves the motel, driving away with his stupid replacement car. He doesn't stop driving until he's a little down the road from the warehouse of demons, picks up his heavy bag of salt and makes his slow way to the warehouse, careful not to make any noise. He hears the chatter of demons inside, talking about whatever homicidal demons talk about, not noticing Dean outside. He quickly circles the building with salt, not wasting any time and he's done it in no time. He wipes his brow, picks up the empty bag of salt and makes his way back to the car, the demons still having not noticed that they're trapped.

Quickly, he drives away. For a short moment he considers staying, hiding out somewhere so he can see Cas, just to get a glimpse of him but he quashes that as soon as the idea comes into mind. He's not ready to see Cas, not from afar anyway, knows if he stayed around and watched them he would end up doing something stupid and he can't risk being found out.

Besides, tonight Dean will come face to face with Castiel when he kills Zachariah, something that Dean is trying very hard not to think about.

He drives a few miles out, the opposite way that he knows his past self and brother had drove to get to the warehouse, knowing he won't be found here. With nothing else to do he types the text that his past self had gotten all that time ago-  _'Do not go to the warehouse, it's a trap.'_ He stares at it in his phone, quickly types the number of his old phone and watches the time roll by, foot tapping impatiently on the floor of the car as he waits for the exact time because it has to be the exact time or all of this will go to shit. Slowly the time finally clicks into place and he presses send, thinks about how he had reacted when he'd gotten the text himself, how he'd ignored it and carried on taking his little brother to the trap that the demons had made for them, how shocked he had been when he'd saw the salt line, how he hadn't known how to react at the thought of someone helping them.

More time rolls by and then the next text is sent ' _Don't let Cas go in there,_ ' his stomach tightening at the thought of Cas being a few miles away from him, that Dean could turn the car around and be with him within a few minutes because Cas is  _right there._  He swallows the urge to vomit, hating himself for being so fucking weak, shuts his eyes and thinks about how in a few hours he's going to see Castiel, he's going to have to look him in the eye in the knowledge that he's going to die and that Dean can't do anything to stop it. Even worse, he's going to have to look at Cas and not see the reciprocated love shining back, will have to look at the Cas that isn't his yet and stop himself from reaching out and kissing him, from holding him.

He's so caught up in his thoughts that he nearly forgets to send the final text, the text telling his past self that Cas is cut off from Heaven and that if he were to walk into the warehouse he'll die.

Once he knows his past self and co have gone, he turns his car back and drives back to the warehouse, stopping when he's a mile away from it, choosing to walk the rest because he doesn't want his car to be seen by either angel, walks until he's a few feet from the warehouse, sitting down, his back against the tree, hidden from plain view. He feels his heart start to quicken, his head starting to hurt and he's still got a few hours of waiting yet. He clenches his eyes shut, fiddles with Zachariah's blade in his hand, remembers the day that Cas had given him,  _today,_ and smiles thinly at the realisation that Castiel had given it to him because he'd known he would use it to save Cas from the seraph. He wonders what else Cas had done because of his future self. Again, the thought comes to mind of when this version of himself and Cas get together. He knows they will, Cas had said that to him, that they hadn't been together  _at first_ but that doesn't tell Dean anything, doesn't tell him whether he is the one to initiate it or  _when,_  doesn't tell him when he'll finally be able to hold Cas in his arms again, whether this Cas will be okay with that, will even  _want_ that at first. Dean's not sure whether he can do it, whether he can look at Cas and be okay with seeing him, whether this will further break him or not. And he's not even sure whether he  _wants_ to be with this Cas because he isn't  _his,_ isn't the angel that had lay with him on the beach, isn't the Cas that had cuddled up to him on the sofa, the one that had held his hand in the hospital with wide eyes and told him to transfer the pain to him.

_No_ , he needs to stop comparing the two Castiel's because ultimately they're the same, they're the same person to the very core, the only difference is that this Castiel doesn't have Dean yet. Besides, Dean had fallen in love with Castiel long before they had actually gotten together, had loved him before he'd even sacrificed himself to the archangels so Dean would have a chance at stopping Sam from killing Lilith. He loved the angel then and then fell even more in love with the angel that Cas became, the Cas that had been with him on the beach. Castiel will become the falling angel from Dean's future  _because_ of Dean loving him here, of Dean showing him how to love. He needs to remember that, to hold on to that when things get tough, to remember why he's there, not just to save his past self, Sam and Cas but also to make Cas fall in love with him so they can have all those moments in the future together. If he fails at that then his whole future will crumble away and he and Cas will never have gotten together and all of this will be a waste.

He focuses on that as he waits, the sky darkening above him as Dean carries on checking the time on his phone, feeling himself get more and more worked up, the blade nearly sliding out of his sweaty palms. He keeps counting down,  _3 hours to go, 2 hours to go, 1 hour to go, 45 minutes to go, 30 minutes to go,_ until he's suddenly got ten minutes left before he has to storm in there and kill Zachariah and come face to face to the angel he had saw die not three weeks ago, has no idea how he or the angel he loves will react.

When he has five minutes left, he quietly walks to the warehouse, can vaguely make out Cas' voice and Zachariah talking back at him through the walls. Dean falters for a moment, nearly drops to the floor because his angel is in there alive and he's going to have to see him, is going to have to talk to him, to have to answer the questions that he's going to have for him and more importantly,  _he's going to see him._

Dean breaks out of his thoughts when he hears a scuffle inside, a bang as someone hits against the wall, the sound of punches being thrown. Frowning, Dean looks down at the time on his phone, sees that he still has two minutes until he has to go in there and save Cas. His grip on the blade tightens when he hears Zachariah screaming at Castiel and he can't help but open the door by a small crack, feels vomit bubble up to the surface as he watches Zachariah kick an already bloody Castiel in the stomach who punches in return, a crack hitting the air. Zachariah starts to pummel Castiel with his fists after he pushes him against the wall. Again, Dean looks down at the time, wondering why the fuck Chuck had given him an exact time that's letting Castiel get hurt, letting Zachariah punch Cas over and over. Dean's desperate to get in there, to save Cas because he's waning and to Dean's horror, Castiel is grabbed by the throat, eyes wide in terror as Zachariah dangles him in the air. That's when Dean remembers, how Castiel had turned up to him in the motel room, saying he had killed Zachariah but his throat had been hurt in the process, that the tendons had been broken. Sickeningly, Dean realises that Castiel has to be hurt like this, that Dean has to stand back and watch until it's the exact time or else he'll change the past, make it so Dean doesn't notice that Castiel has hurt his throat and question it which leads to Castiel telling him that he's killed Zachariah, which more importantly leads to Castiel handing Dean the very blade that he's holding right now.

He has to stand and watch as Cas get injured.

He listens as Zachariah asks where Dean and Sam are and even now, with blood splattering out of his mouth, Castiel still refuses to answer, would prefer to get hurt than sell Dean and Sam out. Would die for him before he'd even been  _his._

He watches Castiel try and thrash away from Zachariah's blade that's being tauntingly brushed across his ribs and then it's all too much for Dean and he doesn't even know whether it's the right time or not but he storms into the warehouse cutting off Zachariah's speech and throwing the blade right between his shoulder blades, knowing it's a kill shot, wishing he could have made it more lengthy and painful for the dick. Briefly, Dean shuts his eyes as Zachariah's grace fills the room, trying his hardest not to relate it to what he had seen a few weeks ago with Cas.

Dean slowly opens his eyes, ignores the burnt out vessel on the floor, the wing marks and instead focuses his gaze on Castiel, Castiel who is alive and kicking and looking at him with those damn beautiful blues. And even the blood, the broken nose and cheekbones can't ruin it because Cas is  _alive._  Dean knows he should speak, should  _do_ something but he stays where he is, drinking up the angel in front of him.

With a blink of the eye, Dean is suddenly pressed against a wall, Castiel's hands holding onto his throat painfully, squeezing just tight enough to make Dean gasp for air.

"Cas?" Dean chokes out because he hadn't imagined this, of all the ways of how he thought this would go down, he had never expected it to be like this, for Castiel to strangle him.

"You are not Dean, I just left him and Sam in another state. Who  _are_  you?" Castiel growls, his eyes furious and suddenly Dean understands, Castiel thinks he's an impostor, a shapeshifter, whatever, doesn't really think he's Dean.

"It's me Cas, please," Dean's eyes widen pleadingly, "It's me from the future."

"What?" Castiel asks, still sounding furious but his face tilts to the right in confusion and Dean nearly breaks right there, but he swallows it down because he needs to be strong here.

"You've got to believe me Cas, it's  _me,"_  Dean says, voice catching, "Look at me, you  _know_ me, look at me and you'll see that it's me."

Castiel looks at him squarely, like he's seeing something that Dean can't see and slowly his face softens, eyes widening in shock as he quickly releases his grip on Dean, whispers disbelievingly, "Dean?"

Dean shuts his eyes and sighs because hearing Cas say his name, to be in this close a proximity, to have those eyes on his is almost too much,  _is_ too much, "Yeah, it's me Cas, it's me."

Dean opens his eyes after a moment, sees Castiel's gaze on his and fuck, Dean had missed it, had missed everything about him and this Cas is wearing the trench-coat and backwards tie and fuck, it's making Dean fall in love with him all over again.

Dean's distracted when he sees how much of a mess Castiel's face really is, how much blood is covering his skin. He's fairly sure that the bones are healing but still, the blood is overwhelming, reminding Dean of past times when Castiel had been hurt, when Castiel had become nothing but two wing marks on the ground.

"You okay Cas?" Dean asks softly, can't help but wince at the injuries, especially as how blood is still dripping from Castiel's mouth, his voice croaky as if it's a struggle to even speak.

"Yes, I'm fine, my vessel is healing." Castiel brushes it off with a wave of his hand and Dean wants to rolls his eyes at that because he's so obviously not okay, that even this Cas likes to pretend he's okay when he's not. And that just makes Dean want to pull him into a hug and kiss him to make him feel better.

"You sure?" Dean frowns, realising just in time that his hands are nearing to Castiel's face, ready to familiarly place them on Castiel's cheeks but he drops them back to his sides, exhaling shakily because this right here is difficult. He'd wanted nothing more than to see Castiel again and now that he's here, he can't actually do any of the fucking things he wants to do, can't put his arms around him, can't brush a hand through his hair or kiss him on his temple.

"Yes I'm sure. How are you-" Castiel starts to ask, clearly not noticing Dean's inner turmoil.

"Here?" Dean finishes, forces himself to laugh, "that's a long story."

"Which angel was it? Why did they bring you back here? Was it to prevent something or to-" Castiel frowns, his voice, though croaky, managing to convey how pissed off he is at the thought of angels using Dean as a ragdoll and pulling him back and forth however they want.

"Like I said, it's a long story," Dean frowns, doesn't want to think about  _why_ he's here, rather just focus on that he is and that's it.

"You cannot tell me?" Castiel frowns back, eyes narrowing.

"No, I can't," Dean sighs.

Castiel watches him curiously, like his mind is going into overdrive as to why Dean is here, making Dean smile faintly as Castiel says slowly, still confused, "You have an angel blade."

Dean remembers the blade is still in Zachariah's back, quickly walks around Castiel and pulls it out, stuffing it in the inside of his jacket, "Sure do."

"How?" Castiel asks, looking even more confused, like the conversation has ran away from him.

Dean can't help but smirk because Cas always look adorable when he's confused about something, "You gave it to me."

"Why would I do that?" Castiel raises his eyebrows.

"Because you knew I'd need it," Dean shrugs, remembers how Castiel had given it to him on this very day, how he'd told him that he might need it someday. It's weird, everything that's happened is a blur between Castiel, his past self and his current self. Everything that happened in the past happened because of what Dean does now that he's back but everything that Dean is doing now is because of what had happened between him and Castiel in the past. He shakes his head to get rid of the confusing thoughts, steps towards Castiel, only a foot between them. Dean carefully drinks in all of Cas' face, his blue eyes, the wrinkles on his forehead, how his eyebrows furrow when he's confused but it's all being tarnished by the blood splattered on his face.

Dean doesn't stop himself from bringing his hand up, his thumb tracing the bloody collar of Castiel's shirt, says more softly than he intends to, "You have blood all over you."

Castiel doesn't seem to notice the way Dean's voice hitches, the fact that he's remembering something that he doesn't want to remember, he just cleans himself of the blood, his face and clothes clean again. Still, Dean doesn't drop his hand, can't find the energy to, can't bear to let go of him.

Castiel doesn't even seem to realise, his mind somewhere else other than Dean's touch, questions, his voice still croaky, "How long have you been here?"

"I got here a day after Lucifer was freed," Dean replies, because that's something he can talk about, something that is easy, much easier than questions about the future anyway.

Castiel's eyes widen in realisation, "You were the one who saved Sam from the werewolf and who warned them,  _us_ , about the demons."

"All me," Dean smiles.

"Why didn't you just come to us instead?" Castiel asks, his brow furrowing again and fuck, Dean had missed this

"Because they can't find out that it's me," Dean letting his hand guide down until it grips Castiel's forearm the other hand reaching up to do the same because this is important, "You can't tell them Cas, you've got to promise me that you won't tell them."

Castiel hesitates, searches Dean's face, not saying anything making Dean worry that he won't be able to convince Cas, won't be able to make this Cas trust him, make him  _want_ to trust him. Dean stares back, asks softly, "Cas, you won't tell them will you?"

Castiel seems to find whatever he needs to in Dean's face because he replies quietly, "I won't tell them,"

"Good," Dean smiles softly, loosening his tight grip of Castiel's arms but still leaving his hands there because again, he just can't let go.

Castiel's face falls, averts his gaze in what looks like shame, "I'm sorry Dean, I can't you back to the future, I don't have the powers to do it."

"Who said I want to go back?" Dean replies instantly, confused at the thought of Castiel thinking he wants to go back when he doesn't, when he never wants to go back, not without Cas.

"What are you-" Castiel starts to ask, his phone ringing to interrupt the question and Dean's not sure whether he's happy or sad that they're being interrupted by his past self. Castiel doesn't answer, doesn't even take his gaze from Dean but Dean knows he's got to answer that phone call, that that's his past self talking about the possibility of finding the colt.

Castiel stares at him for another beat before looking down at his ringing phone. Dean sighs, drops his arms and takes a step back, realising he's way to close to the angel, that he shouldn't keep thinking that the Cas in front of him is the same Cas that wants that, wants Dean to be with him like that because he  _doesn't._

Dean forces a grin, surprised at how easy it comes, "You might want to get that. That's past me calling you and I'll be pissed if you don't answer."

Castiel falters, unsure of what to do but eventually he picks up the phone, still staring at the Dean in front of him, "Dean?"

Dean can just about make out his past self on the phone, which is trippy as hell but its still not as confusing as seeing the person you loved still alive in front of you when you had saw their body burn, especially when that angel almost looks at you like a stranger.

"Yes, I'll be there in a moment," Castiel says into the phone, flipping the phone shut.

"Shouldn't hang up on me dude," Dean can't help but smirk, remembers how pissed he'd been when Castiel had suddenly started taking much longer to answer phone calls, to turn up when Dean had asked him to. Of course, at the time he had had no idea that the reason Castiel had been replying late is because of  _himself._

"Where will you be?" Castiel asks, ignoring Dean's remark.

"Pass me your phone," Dean says, taking the phone from Castiel's hand, suppressing the urge to shiver at the contact, quickly types his phone number into Cas phone, "There, I've put my phone number in it, you can call me once you've finished with past me and Sam, I'm sure you've got loads of questions to ask."

"And I'm assuming you won't answer any of them," Castiel replies shortly, making Dean grin because Cas is here and he's making dry jokes and he's  _here._

"Probably. Now go, because past me is getting more and more pissed off at how long you're making me wait."

Castiel nods, hesitates for a moment before walking to Zachariah's body, taking the blade from his grip, Dean knowing that he's about to give it to his past self. Castiel disappears and then Dean is left with nothing but a dead angel on the floor, wings scorched onto the ground just like Castiel's had and its all to familiar and he'd been able to avoid focusing on it when Castiel had been here but now he's not and the wings on the ground are all Dean can look at.

He makes it outside quick enough to vomit on the dirt, heaving as his eyes water, the vision of wing marks not fading from his mind, even when he half walks, half stumbles the mile back to his car, drives back to the motel room, wiping at his face furiously, trying to get the wings marks from his brain, to try and focus on the interaction he'd just had with Cas instead but even that doesn't make him feel better. Because thinking about Cas just takes him back to the wing marks again, back to the beach, watching his body go up in flames because Dean hadn't been quick enough, because Cas had sacrificed himself for Dean.

When Dean's phone begins to ring later a few hours later when he's sitting in his motel room, he almost doesn't answer it, doesn't know whether he can do this again, that maybe he'd been wrong in all this, that coming back to be with Cas won't work, that instead he should just focus on the mission of saving Cas from Lucifer so his past self can have all the good stuff with Cas.

But he knows he needs to answer the phone, needs to talk to Cas at least one more time because if he doesn't, he knows that the angel will think that Dean had been lying, will tell Dean's past self and brother and everything will go to shit and Dean can't let that happen.

So with a quick intake of breath, he answers the phone, tries to be as light and cheerful as possible. As he talks, he quickly turns the television on, the light too, because he knows it will look weird to Cas if he arrives to see Dean sitting in the dark by himself, will question it and Dean doesn't really have an answer.

Castiel appears at the perfect time, Dean just managing to look like he hadn't been moping alone, feels his heart lurch at seeing Castiel all over again. He shuts the television off, smiles sincerely, "Hey."

"Hello," Castiel says awkwardly, looking around the motel room with a frown.

"Ask away Cas," Dean says, still smiling, gestures for Castiel to sit down next to him. Castiel watches him for a moment, hesitates which makes Dean's face fall even when Castiel does perch on the bed next to him.

Castiel seems to consider what question to ask first, settles on, "What time in the future are you from?"

"Not as far as you probably think," Dean murmurs.

"You said you didn't want to go back to the future, does something happen?" Castiel asks quietly, almost like he doesn't want to know the answer.

Dean's throat tightens, looks at Cas squarely, says with more conviction than he thought he had, "I'm not going to let anything bad happen."

This only makes Castiel frown harder, his gaze looking through Dean as he mulls it over and not seeming to come up with a good conclusion from what Dean has told him.

"Yeah, it's confusing, I know," Dean smiles, can't help but nudge his shoulder against Castiel's. Castiel tilts his head, blinks at him and Dean can't tell whether it's because of the shoulder touch or what Dean had said so Dean stays silent.

Castiel stares at him for some more before asking quietly, "Do we defeat Lucifer?"

Dean feels his heart drop because he should have been expecting that question but he hadn't, hadn't thought that Cas would ask and he feels dumb for not expecting it, for not preparing himself. Dean looks at the angel in front of him and smiles tiredly, whispers "Yeah, we defeat Lucifer."

Castiel sighs in relief which only makes it even  _worse,_ "How? When?"

"I don't think I can tell you."

"You don't think?" Castiel replies carefully.

"Ugh, you know how fucked up this whole time travel thing is? I don't know what I can and can't tell you. Like, if I don't tell you a certain thing that might stop that thing from ever happening but then again, I can't tell you too much because that would change the future too and I'd probably stop existing or something because my future wouldn't exist anymore!" Dean blurts out out all his frustrations, wants to throw something, wants to scream and shout some more but when he looks at Castiel's patient face he stops himself, averts his gaze and says softly, "I wish I could tell you everything Cas, more than you can freaking imagine but I just  _can't_ okay."

"It's okay Dean, just tell me what you know you can tell me," Castiel replies comfortingly, his hand reaching up and leaning on Dean's shoulder, exactly where his fucking handprint is. Dean relaxes under the touch and looks at Castiel, realises how close he is, how easy it would be to lean forward and kiss that chapped mouth, oh so very easy.

Castiel drops his hand, places it back in his lap, making Dean come out of his stupid thoughts, "What else do you want to ask?"

Castiel pauses for a moment before looking at Dean again, eyes wide, "Do I find my Father?"

Dean feels himself wince before he can stop himself, Castiel's face falling, hurt evdient in his eyes as he asks flatly, "I don't, do I?"

"No you don't, I'm sorry Cas."

"So my Father, he," Castiel replies, voice quiet, "doesn't care?"

Dean wants to scoop him up in his arms to make it all better, but instead lets his hand rest on Cas' arm, "Hey, I didn't say that. I think He does fucking care,  _a lot._ I mean, he saved me and Sam and he freaking brought you back to life because he knew it was the right thing to do. And honestly? I think he may have helped us more than we think."

"You do?" Castiel asks faintly, a small smile of disbelief covering his face.

"Yes," Dean lies through his teeth because he can't help but remember how he had asked God to save Sam and Cas, to make them happy, that's all that Dean had wanted and God hadn't even given him that, had let Cas die, had made it so Cas had had to watch the person he loves die to protect them and for him to die anyway. But he can't tell Cas this, can't bear to tell Cas what he really thinks of his dad so he lies to him, thinks it's best this way because he doesn't want Cas to give up, not yet, Dean can't make Cas anymore broken than he's going to.

And that's when Dean realises that he may have caused some shit because he's just told Cas that he's not going to find his father which might make Cas stop looking and he can't let that happen because that will mean he'll never find Gabriel. Quickly, he says with a wide smile, "You should still look for Him though."

"Why would I-" Castiel frowns.

"Because while you're looking for your dad, you find someone else who… helps," Dean says with a genuine smile, "Well, at least I think that's how you found them anyway."

"You think, you mean you're not sure?" Castiel tilts his head in that cute little owlish way.

"Well yeah, I don't know whether you've noticed but with this whole time travel thing, it kinda meant that you had to lie to past me a bit so," Dean shrugs.

"You are okay in the knowledge that I lied to past you?" Castiel raises his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I'm kind of the one who told you to do it," Dean smirks, "It's cool, you had to lie for everything to work out the way it did."

Castiel looks at him before smiling, changing the subject altogether, "Thank you for saving me from Zachariah."

"You're welcome," Dean replies with a grin.

"And thank you for saving Sam and past you," Castiel crinkles his nose at what he's just said but the feeling behind the statement still stands.

Dean grins wider at the ridiculousness of the situation, "Are you seriously thanking me for saving my own life?"

Castiel smiles in amusement, "Yes."

"You're such an idiot," Dean chuckles, affectionately ruffling Cas' hair as he stands up to go to the mini fridge, finding it very easy to almost forget that this isn't his Cas, turns his gaze back to Castiel, "Want a beer?"

Castiel thinks about it before replying politely, "Yes please."

Castiel catches the beer thrown at him easily, holding it in his grip, his eyes watching as Dean comes back and sits next to him. Dean watches Cas for a moment in amusement, asks, "You actually going to drink it or?"

Castiel glares at him, childishly pulls the top of the bottle easily and takes a sip, pulling a face at the taste. Dean can't help but laugh, takes a sip of his own bottle, their shoulder's brushing against each other comfortably.

Dean can't take his gaze from Cas' profile, blurts out before he even thinks about it, "Want to watch some shitty tv?"

Castiel turns to him in surprise, mouth opening to reply but his phone, his past self, interrupts them  _yet again._ With a sigh, Dean watches as Castiel picks up the phone, body deflating as Castiel asks, "Where are you?"

Castiel hangs up, looks at Dean curiously, Dean murmuring, "You should go Cas."

Dean grabs the bottle from Cas' hand before Castiel can reply, feeling a spark of electricity when his fingers accidentally brush against each other. Dean recoils back, feeling like he's been burnt, watches Cas' face fall. Suddenly, Dean wants Cas to go, wants him to leave because he _can't do this_ , can't pretend to be buddies with him, not when he's thinking constantly in the back of his mind how he wants to hold him and never let go.

"Go Cas," Dean mutters and turns his back on the angel in front of him because he can't look at him anymore, because it hurts too damn much.

When he turns his back, Castiel is gone.

 


	25. Chapter 25

After Castiel leaves, Dean doesn't waste any time, grabs all his belongings, stuffs them in his bags and gets in his car. Furiously, he drives, pushes thoughts of Cas out of his mind because he can't think of him, can't keep thinking about him, especially when this Castiel doesn't want him like Dean needs him to want him. He can't be in the same room as him, can't even  _think_ about him because it fucking hurts and it's not fair, none of this is fucking fair. He drives for hours, not stopping until he gets to Bobby's cabin, knows that he needs to be here because a little while down the line he's going to have to go to the warehouse a few miles from here and die for Castiel, die so they can be together.

When he gets to the cabin, he collapses onto the bed, screaming in frustration at his whole fucking life because none of it is fair. He wants to see Cas, wants to kiss him, wants to hold him but he knows he can't and if he can't do that he can't see Cas. He can't see Cas and not do that, pretend that they're just friends, that he doesn't love Cas like that so its better if he doesn't see him at all. It's better for the both of them even though Dean more than fucking wants to, wants nothing more to just bathe in the vision of Cas, of  _alive_ Cas but he's not going to, can't give himself the luxury.

When his phone starts ringing the next morning, he ignores it, doesn't even see as to who is calling, knows it's a possibility of only two people and he doesn't want to talk to either. He doesn't want to see or talk to Cas because it hurts and he doesn't want to talk to Chuck because he's only going to ask questions that Dean doesn't want to answer. If not that, Chuck is going to try and sympathise with him, is going to assume why Dean wakes up screaming Cas' name every night and is going to try and help him through this and Dean doesn't  _want_ help, doesn't want anyone to pity him or try and empathise. He knows if he answers Chuck's phone calls he's going to say or do something stupid in return.

Dean tries to keep busy, cleans around the cabin like a fucking housewife even though it's already clean, goes to the nearest supermarket and buys heaps and heaps of food so he won't have to leave the cabin for a while, telling himself it's because he doesn't want to be caught by any demons or angels but in reality, he just doesn't want to see people, not even strangers.

The next day, his phone rings again, three or four times making Dean's heart clench threateningly as he sees Cas' name light up the screen so Dean turns it off and stuffs it in the bottom drawer of his cabinet and forgets about it because it hurts too much  _to_ think about it. He doesn't know why Cas is calling him but he knows he's not in danger so he doesn't feel too guilty about it. Well, he feels guilty, more guilty than he wants to feel but still, he doesn't get the phone back out, leaves it at the back of his cabinet and pretends that it's not there.

He works hard at being okay, forces himself to smile which makes him feel like an idiot because there's no one and nothing  _to_ smile at but still, he forces it, looks at himself in the mirror and forces a smile, forces himself to laugh when something funny happens on the television, anything to try and make himself act like his normal self, to pretend everything is fine.

During the day, things are getting better, he doesn't break down, he gets on with his everyday life, showers, eats, forces himself to be normal.

The night is a different matter. He still wakes up screaming, still wakes up sobbing but now he's more prepared for it and he manages to get back to sleep in an hour or so, not letting it affect him during the day, puts it in the back of his mind.

It's four days since he's seen Castiel and he's trying his hardest not to think about it. Whenever he is, whenever the angel flits into his mind, he puts on the television and watches whatever is on, more often than not  _Doctor Sexy MD,_ anything to get his mind off the angel.

This is exactly what he's doing when Cas appears.

He doesn't notice him at first, is so engrossed in the programme, feeling protected in Bobby's cabin that he doesn't even hear the tell-tale flutter of wings. He's not even sure how long he's there until Dean notices, senses someone in the room with him, making his hunter senses tingle, his hand going to the back of his jeans when he hears a sound behind him.

Dean turns his head as fast as possible, ready to shoot whatever fucker has found him or grab the angel blade underneath the couch cushion and kill it with that but he freezes when he sees that it's Cas, relaxing somewhat in the knowledge that he's not going to have to fight but still feeling on edge because right there is fucking  _Cas._

When his heart has slowed down slightly he manages to speak out, "Cas?"

"You have been ignoring my calls," Castiel remarks, a slight pissed off look on his face and that's not fair because Dean should be the one who is pissed here at the fact that the angel had somehow found him, had gone against his wishes.

"How did you find me?" Dean asks with a frown because no way could the angel have found him, he still has the sigils on his ribs and Cas should _not_  be able to find him and he shouldn't be here, he  _can't_ be here.

"Chuck told me," Castiel explains curtly, looking very annoyed at the fact that he's had to go through Chuck, quickly looks around his surroundings before settling his gaze back on Dean's.

"Course he did," Dean mutters with a shake of his head. When Cas leaves, Dean is going to have some fucking words with that prophet. Why the fuck did he think he could do this? Bring Cas here when he knows full well that Dean can't see him, can't bear to be near him.

Castiel steps forward, his gaze never leaving Dean's, voice calm, but Dean can hear the hurt in his voice, the confusion under all that facade, "What he didn't tell me is why you are avoiding me."

"I'm not avoiding you!" Dean protests, getting up to his feet and turning to meet Castiel which is a fucking mistake because the angel is close, too fucking close to not bring memories back, to bring all of it back.

Castiel narrows his eyes, clearly not getting that he should shut the fuck up and leave this, should fly away and never come back, "Dean, just tell me what's going in with you."

Dean wants to explain everything. To tell him about what happens between the two of them and not just the bad stuff, not just that they had died for each other but the good stuff too, the day spent on the beach, the making out sessions in motel rooms they had while Sam was off doing other things, the nights of just being together and cuddling up as they both fell asleep, the promises of what they would do once the apocalypse was over.

But Dean can't explain it. Can't explain how looking at Cas is too much, looking at Cas just being there,  _breathing,_ and in that damn trench coat and fucking backward tie is all too much, too much for Dean to handle. How much it fucking hurts to just look at him and know that he can't reach out and touch him, can't tell him that he loves him, can't stop him from dying by Lucifer's hand. He can prolong it, can walk into that warehouse a few miles from here and die for him, let Castiel live for a little while longer, let  _them_ have a little while longer but he's still going to die. Lucifer is still going to kill him in a warehouse, the only difference is that it will be later rather than sooner and that Lucifer will die with him.

"I just can't see you alright," Dean whispers, lowers his gaze because he just  _can't._

Castiel doesn't walk away, can't see what he's doing to Dean by just being here, makes it all the more worse by stepping forward, threateningly close to Dean, nearly as close as Dean's Cas would stand, "Why not?"

"Because you being here-" Dean starts, looks up which is a fucking mistake because Cas is  _right there,_ is mere inches from his face, blue eyes searching for something from Dean's.

"Dean, tell me, please," Castiel pleads, still not taking his eyes from Dean's and he's still fucking  _there._

"With you being here, it's difficult for me not to-" Dean starts but he can't finish, not when Castiel is so close to him, not when it would be so very easy to lean forward those few inches and press his lips to the angels, to let his hands tangle in his hair. And Dean wants to, wants nothing more than to be selfish and kiss him, wants nothing more than to let his mouth collide with Cas', for them to be together again.

"Difficult for you not to what?" Castiel persists and Dean doesn't know whether he does it on purpose but Castiel leans in ever so slightly, probably involuntary, a way to just to try and get answers but it breaks Dean, breaks every fibre of his being.

"For me not to-" Dean tries again, tries to keep his strength, to try and fight this but before he knows he's crashing his lips against Castiel's, a surprised sound coming from the back of Cas' throat. Dean's hands are on Castiel's cheeks, holding him there, ignoring the fact that the angel is frozen below him, that he's not kissing back. Dean  _needs_ this, needs to kiss him one last time, to feel Cas' lips on his own, something that is so second nature, so  _right._

But then he realises what he's doing, that Cas still isn't kissing him back, is utterly still in Dean's hold and fuck, he shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be forcing the angel to do something he doesn't want to just because Dean wants it, shouldn't be kissing the guy when he doesn't  _want_ it.

Dean steps back, dropping his arms from Cas' cheeks, feeling like he's going to vomit because he's fucked it up, fucked it up even more than he has before and Cas is going to leave and this is going to be his last memory of Cas, his last proper memory before he dies and he's completely fucked it up.

Castiel watches him, confusion written in his gaze, says as calm as ever, "You kissed me."

Dean groans because hearing it out loud is  _worse,_ looks away from Cas' face because he doesn't deserve to look at him, apologises profusely, "Fuck Cas, I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry. Just forget it ever happened okay."

Dean tries to put more distance between them, to give Castiel more space but a hand wraps around his wrist, stilling him. Dean looks down at it in surprise, not sure where to go from here, where he  _wants_ to go from here, so he settles on, "Just go, please."

Still, Castiel doesn't let go, carries on watching him, asks quietly, "Why did you kiss me?"

"Only you would ask why someone would kiss you," Dean laughs but there's no humour there because this situation is the most fucked up thing and none of it is okay.

"In the future we are-" Castiel starts, seeming to hesitate in finishing the sentence and halts to a stop, fingers still curled around Dean's wrist.

"Yeah we are. But that doesn't mean that we have to-" Dean starts because he's not going to force Cas in to doing anything, he  _won't._ But then he's being cut off as Castiel steps into his space again, mashing their mouths together roughly with inexperience. It takes Dean a moment to sort his mind out but then he's kissing back, hands in Cas' hair, tugging him closer, needing there to be no space between them, needing  _this._ Castiel opens his mouth and Dean's tongue is granted entrance and Dean takes it, deepening the kiss, suppressing a moan when Castiel's hands fit perfectly on his waist gently because this is all he wants, he just wants Cas to be  _here,_ in his arms, to make him forget, to make him remember Cas as his living self, not the burnt out vessel on the floor.

Dean breaks free of the kiss, still holding Cas in his arms to gage Cas' reaction, to see whether he wants this like Dean wants it. Castiel seems to understand what he's looking for, mutters, "I would like us to be together  _now_ , not just in the future."

Dean nearly cries right there because he's got his Cas back. The angel, even in the past,  _wants_ him, wants to be his. And it makes him want to go thump his past self for waiting so long, for him thinking the angel didn't want him back when he did. The fact that they could have had so much longer together if Dean would have just sorted his shit out sooner makes him want to scream in frustration, makes him think of all the days they had missed because of Dean's stupid insecurities, because of his fucking self hatred.

But right in front of him is Castiel, looking at him with complete trust, with complete devotion and Dean forgets everything apart form the angel in front of him, guides himself from Cas' arms and takes a step back to take them both to the couch. Castiel doesn't seem to get it though, frowns as Dean leaves his hold, making Dean smile at how awkward this Castiel is at this stuff, how unsure he is. Reaching out, Dean takes a hold of Castiel's hand and leads them to the couch, Dean sitting down, tugging Cas to join him. Again, Castiel seems unsure, goes to sit next to him but Dean isn't having any of that, pulls at Castiel until he's sitting on his lap, straddling his hips.

"That's better," Dean smiles because this is all so  _right,_ so second nature as he leans in and kisses Castiel again, arms wrapped around his waist. He kisses slow and gentle though, careful to remember that this Castiel is new at this, is still unsure of the physicalness of it all. Castiel complies gently back, fingers gliding through Dean's hair.

Dean drops his mouth to Castiel's neck, kisses him there, Castiel letting out a small whimper above him. Dean stops the kiss, chuckles into Cas' neck because he can't believe they're here again, that he's got Cas back, even if it's only for a little while, he's got his angel back.

And the angel isn't broken yet,  _Dean_ hasn't broken him. He hasn't completely fallen yet, hasn't had to lose Dean yet, doesn't wake up screaming from the memories of Dean dying. Hell, he still has his damn trench coat hanging off him like a second skin.

"What?" Castiel asks, interrupting his thoughts, frowning down at Dean, his cheeks flushed.

"Nothing, it's just, we're on the sofa, you're fucking straddling me and you're still wearing your freaking trench coat," Dean's grins, trying to explain without having to really explain his true thoughts.

"Oh," Cas looks down at his attire, still frowning, "Is that a problem?"

"No," Dean pecks Castiel quickly on the lips, "it's just so-  _you,_ to still wear the trench coat when we're doing this. It's just- I've missed this."

And he had, more than he could ever let Cas know. He'd missed him with his entire being, missed everything about the angel in front of him. And when Castiel leans in to kiss him again, hands around Dean's neck, Dean never wants to let go, never wants to stop this, to leave Cas again but he knows he has to. He knows that soon he'll have to walk into that warehouse and die for him and then further down the line, Cas is going to do the same for him. And Dean hates them both for what they have to do, what they will do over and over for each other but he also knows that he wouldn't change it, would go through all the shit if it meant they could have moments like this, have moments where they're just together, where they're in each other's arms.

Cas seems to be having an epiphany of his own, buries his head in Dean's neck, whispers breathlessly, "It's always been you."

"It'll always be you Cas," Dean replies honestly, kissing Cas' neck because it's true, it's always going to be Cas. As soon as Castiel had grabbed a hold of him and pulled him out of Hell, it had been Cas and only Cas. The angel had remade him, pieced together all the broken parts of him through the time they had been together, had _fixed_  him. The angel that Dean would willingly go back for, would  _die_ for.

"Why?" Castiel asks.

Dean pulls away from Castiel, Cas looking at him questioningly, making Dean frown, "What do you mean why?"

"Why would you want to be with me?" Castiel mutters, cheeks flushed and just the fact that Cas feels the need to even  _ask_ that question hurts Dean more than he thought it would because it's his fault that Cas has to question it, why he doesn't just take it without a thought.

"Because it's  _you_ Cas," Dean explains with a smile, replies honestly, "I mean, you saved me, and not just from Hell, from everything. You just saved me. After thousands of years you chose Earth, you chose me, over Heaven, over your own brothers and sisters. You chose humanity."

This doesn't seem to calm Castiel's doubts though, his face falling, voice small, "So you are doing this as a return for that?"

"What? No!" Dean protests, heart lurching that Cas could even  _think_ that, "What do you fucking take me for?"

Castiel doesn't reply, his hands falling from Dean's neck, fiddling with the collar of Dean's t-shirt, an impassive look on his face but Dean can see the hurt behind it, the worry that Dean doesn't really want this.

"I'm not doing this a favour, fucking hell Cas. You know what I've done for other people who've saved my life? Got them a freaking beer and said thanks. I mean, sure, I want to be with you because of those things but there's other things as well," Dean explains, cursing that he's shit with words when it comes to this because he needs Cas to see, needs to see how much he wants to be with him.

"Like what?" Castiel asks, eyes finally looking up at Dean's curiously.

Dean huffs a breath of air, letting himself ramble, smiling when Castiel starts to relax in his arms, "Well, for starters, because you're the most fucking annoying person I've ever met. You don't get sarcasm, the jokes you do make are freaking terrible, you don't know good music or good films, you don't stop staring  _ever,_ you live in that trench coat for no damn reason but you know what the most annoying thing about you is?"

"What?" Castiel mouth upturns slightly.

"That all those things just make me fucking want you more, that they all just pile up and all of them together makes you, like, the perfect person for me which doesn't even fucking make sense."

Castiel looks at him for a moment, head titled and then he asks dryly, "When has your life ever made sense?"

"Good point," Dean grins because Cas is right, his life hadn't made sense  _ever._

Castiel smiles at him, sighs contently when Dean nuzzles his neck with his nose, leaving trails of kisses until he finds Castiel's mouth again, smiling against Cas' mouth.

"So," Castiel asks, breath unsteady, "What happens now?"

"How about we watch a movie?" Dean smiles, kissing the corner of Cas' mouth, wanting to just be in Cas' company for as long as possible.

Castiel smiles, "I would like that."

"Okay," Dean smiles back, taking all of Cas in before he realises that he's been staring for a good few minutes and coughs awkwardly, "Um, Cas, you've got to move if I'm going to put a film on."

Red hits Castiel's cheeks as he murmurs a small 'oh' before moving off Dean's lap, Dean kissing him gently before standing up. He makes his way to the cabinet, looks through the DVD collection that Bobby has got and picks up any random old film, not even caring what it will entail, too happy at the fact that Castiel is with him.

It doesn't take long for him to pop in the DVD, sitting back on the couch, one arm wrapping around Castiel's shoulder and pulling him closely to his side as he presses play, smiles when Cas drops his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean can't help but tilt his head, kissing Cas shortly and then leaning back from him. Castiel seems to have other ideas, leans forward to kiss him again insistently, Dean laughing against his mouth.

The next few hours is much the same, both of them finding each other's mouths, kissing with hands running through each other's hair and then breaking free with red cheeks and swollen mouths, back to watching the television again.

At some point near the end of the film, Dean ends up kissing Cas again, this time Cas lowering down onto the couch, Dean falling on top of him, kissing him roughly, Castiel's arms wrapped around his waist, giving him back just as much as Dean is giving him, tongues sliding against each other.

Dean breaks free when it's starts to get a little  _too_  heated, nuzzles Cas' nose, kissing the tip of it with a smile, "Watch the movie Cas."

Castiel lets out a small sigh of what sounds like irritation but tightens his hold of Dean all the same when Dean drops his head to Cas' chest.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't take long before Dean feels his eyes start to flicker shut as he listens to the thud of Cas' heart against his ear, the feel of Castiel's arms wrapped protectively around him, one of Dean's hands grasping onto the trench coat as he is slowly lulled to sleep.

_"Dean. Dean, wake up."_

Dean jolts awake, relaxes when he sees that it's Castiel waking him up, that they're not in any danger, smiling at the fact that he's still in Cas' arms from the night before.

Castiel looks at him sadly, murmurs, "Dean, I have to go."

"Okay, I'll be here," Dean promises, kissing Castiel gently on the lips before entangling himself from Cas, getting up off the sofa and groaning at his protesting muscles. It isn't until he starts to walk away that he realises what today is, that today he sends them the text to tell them where the colt is which means Castiel is flying to his past self and Sam after they had saw the news on the earthquakes, remembers how guilty he had felt, how guilty Sam had felt and how Castiel had helped them through it.

He turns back to a now standing Castiel, gently holding Castiel's wrist, "Whatever happens, don't feel guilty okay? And try and make past me and Sammy not feel guilty."

"What are you talking about?" Castiel asks, voice wavering, gaze searching.

Dean can't tell him, can't bear to talk about all those people dying, not now, so instead he kisses Cas' forehead, murmuring against his skin, "You should go Cas."

Castiel looks at him for another beat before he nods and disappears.

Dean stares at the spot that Castiel had been, feeling more than a little overwhelmed at what had happened in the past twenty four hours, that he'd gotten Cas back, had had the angel in his arms, everything he had wanted and more.

He stops short when he realises that it hadn't been down to him that the angel had found him, that if it would have been up to him they wouldn't have met each other again at all. He sighs, realising that a certain prophet deserves a phone call. He goes back to the cabinet, blindly searches until he grabs a hold of his phone, first waiting for the correct time to send that damn text telling his past self where the colt is. After that, guiltily ignoring how many phone calls he had received from both Cas and Chuck in the past two days, he dials Chuck's number.

The prophet answers the phone call almost immediately.

"Dean?"

"Hey Chuck," Dean says weakly, "Um, I'm guessing you're a little pissed that I've been ignoring your calls, huh?"

"No, I've just- I've just been worried about you," Chuck explains, carefully not mentioning _why_ he's been worried, that he must have saw how much of a mess he's been through his dreams of him.

"Is that why you sent the angel shaped cavalry?" Dean asks, making his way to the kitchen, preparing his breakfast slash lunch with one hand.

"Yeah," Chuck says, "I knew you would be pissed at me for it but I saw in my dreams that it went well so I decided to do it anyway. You're not mad are you?"

Dean laughs, "Well, when he first appeared I was all ready to hop on a plane so I could kick your ass but now, not so much."

"Okay," Chuck breathes a sigh of relief, "Good."

"Thanks Chuck, for y'know, telling him where I am. I didn't think I could see him but I was wrong," Dean says quietly.

"Yeah, I know," Chuck says softly back, still not broaching the elephant in the room, that Cas must have died in the future to make Dean feel like this, to make him think he couldn't see Cas, make him wake up screaming his name.

"From now on, when you call me, I'll answer okay?" Dean says, changing the subject.

"You better," Chuck warns and adds hesitatingly, "And if you ever want to call me, about anything, you can okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Dean murmurs, "Thanks Chuck."

"You're welcome," Chuck replies.

"Look, I've gotta go, I'm starving but I'll, er, talk to you whenever okay?"

"Okay, bye Dean," Chuck says, "Just, look after yourself okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, and you," Dean says, hanging up with a small smile, glad that he's finally sorted that out. He doesn't know whether he'll ever accept Chuck's offer and call him up and talk to him about all his shitty problems but maybe he'll call him  _to_ forget about his problems, another constant in the past like him being with Cas, something to take his mind off everything. Chuck  _is_ his friend, through everything that they'd been together and talking to him about random shit might actually make Dean feel more normal, help Dean forget, help him through all this. Yeah, maybe he'll take up Chuck's offer after all.

It isn't until later that Dean realises that today's the first time he hasn't woken up screaming.

 


	26. Chapter 26

Dean's busying himself in the kitchen when he hears Cas call his name, dropping the plate he's holding instantly and making his way to where he had heard Cas' voice because that hadn't been a normal greeting, something is  _wrong,_ Cas sounds scared.

Dean nearly drops to the floor when he sees the state of Cas. His face is scratched, just like Dean remembers it from his past, gouges into his face where the demons had scratched him during their hunt for the colt, a possible broken nose. But that isn't what makes Dean run to the angel; grab his arms to hold him steady. No, it's the fact that Cas is holding onto his abdomen, hands bloody, shirt drenched in blood around the wound that Dean can't see yet, can't begin to know how bad it is.

"Cas? What happened?" Dean chokes because this is too similar; the blood on Cas is  _too_ damn similar.

Castiel looks up at him blindly, blue eyes wide in pain and fear in a stark contrast to the blood staining his face, gasps out, "D-D-Demons."

With that Cas collapses to his knees, Dean trying his best to steady him so he doesn't fall too hard, too roughly, brings them both down to the floor. Castiel drops his forehead to Dean's shoulder, his body shuddering against Dean's as he lets out a small pained whimper.

"It’s okay Cas, it's going to be okay," Dean murmurs, trying his hardest to be strong here, to not let  _those_ thoughts take him from the task in hand because Cas needs him, "I'm just going to get your coat and jacket off okay, then we'll get your shirt off and I'll sort you out. You're going to be fine Cas, trust me."

"O-okay," Castiel manages to gasp, finishing off with a wrecked sob into Dean's shoulder, Dean's heart lurching at how utterly broken he sounds.

"Okay Cas, let me get you out of your coat," Dean murmurs, not pushing Cas away from him, lets him carry on resting heavily against his shoulder as Dean tugs the coat off Cas shoulders, stopping short when Cas doesn't move his arms, hands still pressed firmly to the wound on his stomach, "Hey Cas, you've got to let me take off your coat and jacket, just move your hands for me okay?"

Castiel shudders, keeping his hands firmly clamped on the bloody wound, croaks, " _Dean._ "

Dean pries Cas gently from his shoulder so he can look into his panicked eyes, lets one hand gently curl around one of Cas' wrists, says softly, "Hey, it's okay Cas, everything is okay, I just need you to let me take your coat and jacket off okay? And that means you've got to drop your hands from your stomach."

Castiel shakes his head, eyes fluttering shut as he tries to stay conscious which means it's bad, it's really bad. Still, Dean forces a smile, lets his thumb glide soothingly over Cas' wrist, "Hey, come on Cas, just do it for me okay? Just let me do this for you Cas and then I can make it all better. Trust me Cas, you trust me don't you?"

Castiel forces his eyes open, blinks at him before nodding, tentatively dropping his blooded hands to his sides, dropping his forehead back to Dean's chest before Dean can survey the extent to how bad the wound is.

"That's it Cas, knew you could do it," Dean murmurs, trying his best to keep his voice from wavering, gently tugs off the coat and then the jacket, tossing them to the side. Next is the shirt but in the way Cas is resting against him, it would be near impossible to unbutton the buttons and Cas' breathing is getting more and more ragged as time goes by so Dean just rips the shirt off him, buttons pinging across the room, Cas letting out another pained whine.

"Okay, I'm going to carry you to the bed now, it might hurt a bit but as soon as we're there you won't have to move again," Dean says as calmly as possible, rests one arm under Cas' waist, the other under his knees and picks him up as gently as possible, trying his best not to think of the last time he'd carried Cas like this, how he'd carried Cas like this when he'd been nothing but a burnt out vessel.

Dean doesn't have enough time to think about it as Castiel screams, eyes and body tensing under Dean's scrutiny.

"I'm sorry Cas, I'm so sorry," Dean tremors, quickly makes his way to the bed and laying the angel down as gently as possible, Castiel's eyes snapped shut in pain as he hisses.

"Okay, I'm just going to take a look now. Just focus on my voice and try and not to sleep okay?" Dean murmurs because Castiel looks close to passing out and Dean knows from experience that that's a really bad fucking sign right there and he can't lose him, can't lose him again, not  _now._ Dean takes a deep breath to try and focus, touches the wound tentatively, trying to see how bad it is and  _fuck_ it's bad, "Cas, it's gone straight through your organ, I don't- I don't-"

Castiel's eyes flicker open, manages to gasp out, "Just stitch up the skin, my grace will heal it eventually. I just need you to stitch it; it'll start the process of healing."

"Okay, okay," Dean whispers, so close to losing it but holding onto what Cas says, goes to his bag that's filled with his med supplies and grabs a needle and thread and wipes, says as soothingly as possible, "I'm just going to clean it up and then I'll stitch it. Everything's going to be fine Cas, I'm going to fix it for you and everything is going to fine."

Castiel doesn't reply, just shuts his eyes again as Dean tackles the wound. Dean gently wipes away the blood, so much fucking blood, Castiel crying out in surprise, eyes opening blindingly for a moment before shutting again. Dean goes as fast as possible, not just because he knows he needs to heal Cas as quick as possible but because seeing Cas with so much blood on him is taking his memories down a dangerous path and he can't think about that right now.

"Okay, now I'm going to stitch you up, this might hurt a little okay but stay with me Cas," Dean says, grabs the needle and thread and methodically starts to stitch the gaping wound, trying to do it as pain free as possible, wincing every time Castiel hisses out or whimpers underneath him, keeps murmuring to him that he's going to be okay, half talking to himself at this stage.

"Okay, I've stitched you up, I'm just going to clean it and then it'll heal right?" Dean asks, biting his lip because even though he's healed the skin, he can't stop thinking about the complete mess that Cas' insides are in, how deep the knife must have been pushed into his body.

"Y-Yes," Castiel nods, barely able to even get words out, "My-My grace will heal it."

Dean nods back, grabs more wipes to clean the newly stitched wound, Castiel's body tensing until he stops, until the wound is finally clean. Dean looks up to Castiel's face, sees how the scratches in his face still haven't healed, his nose still at an odd angle, bruising starting to form under Castiel's eyes.

"I'm just going to clean up your face now, okay Cas?"

"My face?" Castiel asks, wrinkling his broken nose in confusion.

"Yeah, you've got a couple of scratches and I think your nose is broken," Dean says softly, sitting on the edge of the bed next to Cas, heart thudding loudly against his chest. The fact that Cas had been in so much pain, that his stomach had been hurting so much that he hadn't even realised the wounds on his face tells Dean how bad it had been,  _still_  is.

"This is going to hurt a bit," Dean admits, grabbing a wipe with one hand, the other grabbing onto Cas' hand and holding it tightly, Castiel squeezing back, a determined but tired expression on his face. Dean tries to go as gently but quickly as possible, cleaning away the drying blood, only leaving jagged scars and his broken nose. Dean can only hope that it'll heal soon because just looking at Cas like this makes it difficult not to break down, for thoughts to bubble to the surface.

"I'm just going to clean this all up but I'll be right back okay?" Dean murmurs, desperate to rid of the bloody clothes from his vision. Castiel looks at him for a moment before nodding, slowly releasing Dean's hand. Dean tries to go as quickly as possible, grabs Cas' clothes and piles them up on the kitchen table, knowing that when Cas is better he'll be able to clean and patch them up as good as new. He throws the other rubbish in the bin, giving himself a minute to wash his hands, carefully not looking at the blood rinsing off him down into the drain,  _Cas'_ blood.

"Dean?" Castiel croaks out from the other room, voice panicked, forcing Dean out of his thoughts, from his memories.

"I'm here Cas, I'm here," Dean soothes as soon as he's ran back into the bedroom, half lying next to Castiel on the bed, "How are you feeling now?"

"B-Better, I'm still in pain but you stitching up the skin has seemed to trigger the healing process. Thank you Dean," Castiel pants, looks up at Dean through tired eyes.

Dean lets his fingers glide through Cas' damp hair, murmurs, "What happened Cas?"

"The demons, when we were trying to get the colt," Castiel replies, shuts his eyes at the feel of Dean's hand in his hair.

"How come I can't remember you getting injured? I mean you had scratches and a broken nose but you didn't- you weren't stabbed like this," Dean says because it's true. Castiel hadn't been injured like this, hadn't been stabbed right through to his organs. Dean would remember that, wouldn't have fucking  _sent_ them there if he had known this would happen, that Cas would get so badly hurt.

"That's because I hid it from present you and Sam," Castiel murmurs before his eyes widen in a panic as he tries to sit up, "Sam and Dean, they were injured, I have to- I have to-"

Dean places a hand on Cas' chest and nudges him back down onto the bed, "They're fine Cas, trust me, they're fine. Just focus on yourself right now okay?"

Castiel looks at him before nodding, shuts his eyes again, Dean's fingers going back to carding through Cas' hair, finding a lock of his hair and twirling it between his fingers, "Why didn't you tell them you were injured?"

Castiel sighs, "Because I didn't want them to have to fuss over me when they were injured themselves."

"Cas, you should have told them. They would have helped you, they're your  _friends_ and they would be pissed if they knew that you were this hurt and that you didn't tell them. In fact, I'm a little pissed that you didn't tell past me, I would have helped you y'know," Dean mutters, not really angry at Cas but angry at  _himself,_ because he'd made Cas think that he couldn't tell them when he was hurt in case he would be a burden. He'd made Cas think this, had made it so Cas had flew away as soon as he'd been hurt.

Castiel opens his eyes again, glances at Dean worriedly, whispers brokenly, "I'm sorry Dean."

"It's okay; don't worry about it now," Dean murmurs, kisses Cas' hair, "Just focus on getting better."

"I-I just wanted to see you," Castiel murmurs back.

"Yeah, well I wanted to see you too but not exactly with your guts falling on the floor… But I guess beggars can't be choosers right?" Dean forces a smile, watches as Cas shuts his eyes again, small beads of sweat from his hair dripping down to his forehead, Dean wiping them away with his thumb before stroking Cas' hair again, pushing it away from his forehead. Castiel, eyes still closed, tries to shift further into Dean's hold, body tilting to him but he stops suddenly, hissing out, eyes clenched in pain.

"Don't try and move Cas," Dean says, moving so he's closer to Castiel, their bodies brushing against each other, Castiel's eyes flickering open, a small smile on his face through the broken skin making Dean mutter out, "I wouldn't have sent you guys there if I would have known you got hurt like this."

Castiel frowns at this, looks at Dean with confusion, "Yes but then we wouldn't have gotten the colt."

"Yeah, but you're more important than the colt. We would have got it some other way without you getting hurt," Dean replies, frowning back.

"We would have probably found the demons without your text, though it would have taken longer."

"Yeah, I guess you're right but still..." Dean sighs, knowing that Cas is right, that his past self had known the whereabouts of the demons before he'd sent them a text as Superman. He'd just helped them along the way, made it so they would find the demons sooner rather than later. But still, the knowledge that he'd somehow helped Cas be hurt like this chills him to the bone, makes him want to vomit because he shouldn't be hurting Cas like this, not any more than he already had.

Castiel doesn't reply, just reaches out with his hand, Dean grabbing onto it and resting it on Cas' bare chest, thumb brushing against Castiel's skin reassuringly, to let him know that he's not going anywhere. The angel shuts his eyes then, breathes out slowly, his body relaxing further into the bed.

"You should try and get some sleep Cas," Dean whispers as he lies down next to him, holding onto Castiel's hand tightly.

"Angels don't sleep," Castiel replies but they both know that's not true, that Cas isn't a full angel anymore but Dean doesn't want to start that conversation, doesn't want to talk about how Cas is falling. Cas shouldn't have to think about that, not now anyway, not when he's hurt.

"Humour me then," Dean whispers, reaching forward to kiss Cas' temple.

"Humour you?" Castiel crinkles his nose in confusion, making Dean let out a huff of amused air.

"Just go to sleep Cas."

"You'll be here?" Castiel whispers, sounding like he's afraid to ask, that he'll close his eyes and Dean will disappear before he opens them again.

"I'm not going anywhere Cas, I'll be right here," Dean promises.

It isn't until Cas' breathing has lulled into slowness, mouth slightly parted in sleep that Dean finally lets himself break down. He doesn't even realise he's crying until a tear splashes onto the side of Cas' face, sliding down his cheek as if it were his own. Furiously he tries to stop himself, gulps in air as he chastises himself for being fucking stupid because Cas is going to be  _fine,_ is still breathing, but then again, it's all too similar, is reminding him of when Cas  _hadn't_  been fine, _hadn't_  been breathing, had been nothing but wing marks and ash.

So Dean lets himself cry, keeps his hand curled tightly in Castiel's, the other still carding through his hair softly as he silently cries, let’s all the shit out before Cas wakes up because Cas can't see him like this, he needs to pretend he's okay when the angel is with him.

It's only an hour or so in that Dean realises that his past self has been calling Cas, is restlessly turning around in bed wondering whether Cas is okay. With a quick kiss to Cas' forehead, he gets off the bed, Cas making a small noise of discomfort at the lack of Dean beside him but he doesn't wake. Dean quickly creeps over to where he had placed Cas' clothes, finds Cas' phone in his coat pocket and sees all the phone calls his past self had sent him, remembers how worried he'd been when Cas had disappeared without a word. He sends off a quick text message, shaking his head at the fact that all this time, it had been  _him_ that had put his past self's mind at rest, not Cas.

After that, he makes his way back to bed, grabs onto Cas' hand again, the other stroking his matted hair. Several hours later, maybe even half a day, Castiel wakes up, blinking heavily with a small frown. Dean is exactly where he'd been when Cas had fallen asleep, not having slept a wink, spending the hours watching Cas, remembering every little thing about him all over again as he made sure that he didn't stop breathing, listened to the slow puffs of air in and out as Castiel had slept. He had watched his face slowly heal, the nose going back to its normal shape, the scratches fading into light scars and then into nothing, Castiel's breathing getting less and less shallower as the wound on his abdomen started to heal.

"Morning," Dean murmurs, leans forward to brush his lips against Castiel's comfortably, "How are you feeling?"

Castiel considers the question, his mouth slowly lifting, "Much better, thank you. It's only the skin that needs to heal now."

Dean rests his forehead against Castiel's, feels his whole body deflating because Cas is okay, he's going to be okay, admits, voice quiet, "You know you really scared me last night."

"My apologies," Castiel murmurs sincerely though he can't know, will never know how  _much_ he'd scared him, how much it had hurt Dean to see him like that. Castiel gently rests his hand at the back of Dean's neck, guiding his mouth to his. Dean lets Castiel's tongue reach into his mouth, moans as he reaffirms that Castiel is okay, he's right here, and he's _okay._

Dean's hand trails down Cas' bare chest, breaking free of the kiss to kiss Cas' neck instead, taking a small nip at Cas' pressure point, smiling when he hears Cas moan underneath his touch. The angel wraps his arms around Dean's waist, pulls him tighter until he's trying to pull him on top of him, Dean stopping him with a halt, getting an irritated huff of air in reply.

"Cas, you're still injured, I don't want to hurt you," Dean explains between kisses on Castiel's jaw.

"Then why are you teasing me?" Castiel growls, lips pursed in annoyance.

Dean chuckles into his neck, murmurs against the skin, "I'm not teasing."

"Yes you are," Castiel complains, turning into a moan as Dean gently nibbles on his ear, fingers tracing Cas' nipple lightly, teasingly.

"What do you want baby?" Dean whispers to Castiel's ear, smirking when Castiel shivers under his touch for it.

"I-I don't know. I don't know how- I don't know how this all works Dean," Castiel mutters. Dean stops what he's doing, looks up to a blushing Cas and realising that he's being a fucking idiot here.  _This_  Cas hadn't done anything with him yet, is probably scared that he's going to do something wrong or disappoint Dean, just like how Dean had thought in the future when he'd found out that Cas had been with his future self. He doesn't doubt that Cas knows the basics of sex, probably knows what goes where but there's a difference between  _knowing_ and  _doing._

Dean gently kisses Cas on the lips as a way of apology, holds his face in his hands and looks down with a contrite look and tries to explain, "I'm sorry Cas, I forgot that you're new to this. It's just, in the future you were so sure of everything but I guess you learned that all from me, huh? At the time, I did wonder how you seemed to know everything."

Castiel doesn't reply, just traces his fingers down Dean's back, not looking upset, more thoughtful than anything.

"God, our relationship is kind of fucked up isn't it? I mean, I teach you everything you know and then I send you on your merry way to past me who has no clue whatsoever," Dean laughs because it's true, their relationship  _is_ fucked up but he doesn't care, will gladly have it like this if he gets to be with Cas for longer.

Castiel's eyebrows knit in worry, asks quietly, "Do you mind?"

"No, I mean, sure, it would look kind of fucked up to everyone else but it's me and you, we're used to strange situations and this  _is_ really strange but I don't care. Do you care?" Dean says, his voice going quiet at the end because what if Cas  _does_ care, doesn't want to do this?

"No," Castiel replies, making Dean sigh in relief, "As long as you don't."

Dean nods, doesn't need to speak, leans down and kisses Cas forcefully, tongue breaching into Cas' mouth, Castiel willingly giving him back what he needs, kissing him roughly back. Dean carries on kissing him, fingers sliding down Castiel's chest, taking care to slip over Cas' nipple before dropping them to Cas' cock over his pants, thumb gliding over the fabric.

" _Dean_ ," Castiel moans, eyes wide as his hips jerk instinctively to Dean's hand.

"I've got you," Dean murmurs, almost breathless, kissing Cas' collarbone, promises with a soft voice, "I'm going to take real good care of you baby."

Castiel nods, eyelashes fluttering when Dean leaves warm kisses down Castiel's chest, sucking on his nipples as he carries on tracing his cock with his thumb, putting just the right amount of pressure there. He lets his kisses carry on trailing down Cas' torso, kissing his stomach, then just above the hemline of Cas' pants. He looks up to see Cas' watchful gaze on his, face flushed as Dean pulls down Cas' pants to just above his knees. Before he pulls down Cas' boxers, he sucks on Cas' inner thigh, hoping he'll leave a mark, a reminder that Cas is his and he is Cas'.

"Dean," Castiel calls out loudly, his fingers grasping onto the bed spread below them.

"I’ve got you Cas," Dean promises, pulls down Cas' boxers until they meet his pants at his knees. He lets himself kiss Cas' inner thigh again, fingernails digging into Cas' hip bones, arguably one of his favourite parts of Cas' body. He looks up to see Cas' face, an expression that's clearly asking for more, mouth parted in want and need and everything in between.

He lets his tongue glide against Castiel's cock, feels Cas tremble below him, groaning in pleasure. Smirking, Dean does is again, tongue sliding against Cas' length experimentally before taking the tip and only the tip of Castiel into his mouth, tongue swirling against the slit. When he looks up at Cas, sees how Cas' eyes are nearly black with lust, cheeks even more flushed, he smirks around Cas' cock before taking more into his mouth, sucking with abandon. Castiel shouts his name, bucking his hips up, pushing more of himself inside Dean's mouth, hands finding and tugging on Dean's hair. Dean takes as much of Cas into his mouth as he can, tongue gliding up and down as he holds onto Cas' hips, fingers digging into the flesh as Castiel bucks up his hips every time he pulls back slightly. Dean stops him from pushing too hard or insistent into his mouth to stop himself from gagging, his cheeks sunken as he breaks Cas apart below him.

It's not long before Castiel moans louder than before, fingers tugging on Dean's hair more tighter, gasps, "Dean, I'm going to- I think I'm going to-"

Straight away, Dean replaces his mouth with his hand, jerks Cas in quick motions as he kisses Castiel roughly, moaning at the fact that Cas is tasting himself from Dean's mouth, makes the kiss even more forceful, tongues hitting against each other. It doesn't surprise Dean that it's only a little while longer before Castiel comes, breaking free of the kiss as he shudders into Dean's neck, breath heavy. Dean strokes him for a little while longer to bring him back to reality, to help him through it before arms are wrapped around his torso and he's being pulled onto Cas' chest. Happily, Dean lets his head rest on Cas' chest, fingers lazily making patterns on Cas' bare torso.

"You enjoy that angel?" Dean asks with a smile, kissing his chest lightly.

"Yes," Castiel exhales.

Dean nods, pulls away so he can kiss the corner of Cas' mouth, "I need to kind of admit something to you."

"What?" Castiel asks, still not completely back to his usual state, breath still heavy.

"Don't hate me okay?"

"I could never hate you," Castiel replies quickly, his fingers tracing over Dean's lips, a look of awe on his face, like he's not quite believing what's just happened, murmurs with a small smile, "Especially not after that."

Dean can't help but smirk, "Well, don't be mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you?" Castiel asks, eyebrows furrowing.

Dean averts his gaze, watches his fingers trail on Cas' chest, "Well, last night past me kind of called you a couple of times to make sure you were okay. I mean, you did just drop them off at the motel with the colt and then fly off so yeah, he called and text you and I kinda pretended to be you and texted back saying you were fine and that you were following a lead."

"Oh," Castiel utters, hands gliding up and down Dean's back absentmindedly.

"You're not mad?" Dean remarks, eyebrow raised.

Castiel sighs and then looks at Dean like he's an idiot, "No. I mean, you're technically only lying to yourself Dean."

Dean finds himself smiling at that, "I guess you're right."

"You were right before," Castiel declares tiredly, says with the flattest voice he has, "Our relationship is 'fucked up'."

Dean snorts into Cas' neck, "I've done it, I've corrupted an angel."

Castiel huffs, "I was corrupted long before you came on the scene Dean Winchester."

Dean leans out from Cas and raises an eyebrow, "Is that so?"

"Yes," Castiel utters.

Dean lets his lips trail across Cas' jaw, murmurs, "I somehow doubt that. You expect me to believe that before you met the  _Righteous Man,_ " Dean rolls his eyes at the title, "you swore like a sailor and got blow jobs off your angel friends?"

"Do sailors swear a lot then?" Castiel asks, blatantly ignoring the question.

Dean grins, mutters, "Yeah, I thought so."

Castiel smiles back, one hand reaching up to hold Dean's cheek, thumb swiping across Dean's jaw comfortingly, "You've corrupted me in the best way Dean and I wouldn't change it for the world."

Dean falters at that, the sight of Cas' lifeless body on the ground in the forefront of his mind, how he had watched his body burn into ash and nothing more.

"Dean?" Castiel questions.

Dean clears his throat, "Let's go watch some TV, you're not going anywhere till you're properly healed."

Castiel presses his lips in irritation, " _Dean."_

"No, don't even try and fight me on this because even if you wanted to go you can't because you need to be fully healed to clean up and fix your clothes so there," Dean retorts.

Castiel nods, smiling, "I suppose spending time with you isn't the worst way to spend a few hours."

Dean laughs, nuzzles Cas' neck for a moment, "Hey, you better watch what you're saying Cas, I'm easily offended you know."

Castiel huffs a laugh, reaches up to kiss Dean gently on the mouth, says softly, "Spending time with you, even when injured, is the best way to spend my time Dean."

Dean swallows heavily, murmurs back against Cas' mouth, "Yeah, me too Cas, me too... You know, you can come and see me whenever you want to, even if your guts aren't falling out," Dean pokes Cas' rib playfully, "Whenever you feel like seeing me, I'll be right here okay?"

Castiel looks up at him and pecks him on the mouth, "I'll hold you to that."

Dean smiles, "I wouldn't have it any other way baby."

And Dean wouldn't.

 


	27. Chapter 27

It doesn't take long for Castiel to fully heal and to gain enough grace to repair his clothes and clean them, any sign of blood fluttering away, reminding Dean of how the blood had disappeared in the future due to Gabriel, how easy it had been to vanish the blood and pain, the signs of his  _death_. Castiel tilts his head at him when Dean just stares as he shudders, too concentrated on his stupid fucking memories and it isn't until Castiel murmurs his name that Dean finally wakes up, puts on an easy smile and brushes his lips against Castiel's. The angel looks confused for a moment so Dean kisses him again to distract him, burrowing Castiel to his chest so he can inhale him, breathe everything in of his angel and try his hardest to bury the memories back down, to focus on  _now,_ not the past, or the future, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

When Dean  _finally_ releases Cas, the angel only smiles at him bashfully, kisses him quickly on the lips, again and again, until he murmurs that he should go. Resentfully, Dean lets him go, giving him another kiss before he leaves, his whole body deflating when Castiel disappears with a flutter of wings. It isn't until Castiel leaves that he realises how fucking  _tired_ he is, not just physically but emotionally too. He hasn't slept for over twenty four hours and had spent most of that frantically worrying over Cas, of spending way too much time thinking about Cas' body burning, of having to say goodbye to him and now he's just fucking exhausted.

Practically swaying on his feet, he finds his way back onto the bed, collapsing onto the mattress. He freezes when he sees the slight stains of blood on the bed sheet, scrambling off the bed in a panic and frantically he rips off the bed sheets, grabbing handfuls of it and rushing outside, stuffing it in the trash can, slamming it shut. Methodically, he goes back to the bedroom, makes the bed with new sheets, pushes everything away and drops onto the bed again, curls into a pathetic ball though he finds that he's not quite as tired anymore, that he doesn't  _want_ to sleep, afraid of what he's going to see if he does. So instead, he shuffles back to the living room and watches television, flicking from channel to channel, leg shaking impatiently as his eyes glide over to his phone on the coffee table. He pauses, considers the idea, then before he knows it he's dialing.

The phone rings three times, Dean nearly hanging up but before he can, the ringing stops, "Hello?"

"Chuck?" Dean asks, biting the inside of his mouth, leg still shaking impatiently.

"Hey Dean," Chuck replies and if he's surprised by the call, he doesn't let on.

"Er, hey," Dean mumbles, suddenly wondering why the fuck he's called him, why he's picked up the phone and dialed his number.

There's a small silence and then Chuck asks, somewhat hesitatingly, "You okay Dean?"

Dean shuts his eyes and sighs, wanting to scream down the phone that no, he's not fucking okay, he'd just had to watch Cas nearly die  _again,_ had to be reminded that Cas  _is_ dead, in the future he is dead, is gone and there's nothing Dean can do about it and every time Dean looks at Cas, no matter what he does, he sees it, thinks about how long Cas has left before the inevitable happens, before his past self will lose Cas, before Cas will lose Dean too, will become the broken shell that Dean knows him to be.

"Dean?" Chuck murmurs through the phone, slightly static but Dean guesses that's to be expected seeing as the dudes in another country and wow, his phone bill is going to be off the scale. But then again, he's never going to have to pay for it because he's going to be dead soon and if that thought doesn't open another can of fucking worms too.

"I miss the impala," Dean blurts, pulling a face at what he's just said but carrying on with it anyway, "I hate the fact that my past self gets to drive around with her and I don't."

"Okay," Chuck says carefully, waiting for what Dean really wants to say because they both know that Dean hasn't called to talk about missing a fucking car.

"And Sam, _fuck_  I miss Sam," Dean groans, tilts his head to the back of the couch and shuts his eyes, "I miss his stupid fucking pouts and puppy dog eyes and his stupid salads, I even miss how he'd stink out the car. I just-" Dean sighs, "I just miss him. There's so much shit that I want to talk to him about because I know he'd make it better you know? He always knew what the fuck to say to make it even a little bit better but I can't talk to him because he's not here, well he is, but I can't talk to him because it would fuck up the whole time line and god, I hate it Chuck, I hate  _this."_

"Dean," Chuck starts, sounding pained.

Dean interrupts him, on a roll now, not knowing how to stop because he _needs_  to let it out, "And the only thing that's keeping me half together is Cas being here but even that fucking hurts and I just want a moment, just a fucking day, where everything can be okay again, where I don't have to think about what happened, why I'm back here, what I have to do, I just want one day, just one, where I can just be with Cas and pretend everything is okay, pretend everything  _will_ be okay but I can't even have that because every  _fucking thing_ reminds me of what's going to happen and I can't-" Dean exhales, voice getting louder and louder, "I just fucking hate this!"

Before Chuck can even think of a reply, let alone say it out loud, Dean hangs up the phone and throws it across the room, bouncing off the wall with a loud thwack. And then with terrifying clarity, he realises what he's just done, he'd called Chuck, the one guy he can actually talk to about this shit and yelled at him, basically screamed at him without even giving him a chance to talk. And that's not fair, it's not fair for him to put this all on someone else, to say shit like that over the phone and then hang up with the other guy not being able to do fuck all about it because he's in a completely different country. It's not fair at all.

"Fuck," Dean mutters, moving off the couch to snatch his phone, dialing Chuck's number yet again because he can't leave it like that, can't fucking do that because if he does, it'll completely mess everything up even more and he needs Chuck, needs someone that he can talk to about this because he can't say this stuff to Cas, no way.

Chuck answers almost immediately, voice panicked, "Dean?"

Dean exhales, feels the anger dissipate, guilt taking over now because he's a really shit friend, "I just- Sorry Chuck, I'm just- I'm having a bad day okay? I spent all last night watching over Cas while his guts were hanging out and I've had no sleep and I just- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called up just to yell, it's not fair on you."

"Dean, it's okay," Chuck soothes, "Look, when I told you you could call me whenever, I was serious okay? You can call me just to rant if you want to, yell at me down the phone if it helps."

"Seriously?" Dean raises an eyebrow.

"Seriously," Chuck affirms, "I know this is tough on you, more than I know actually and if you need to call me and rant and rave and say how shit the world is then you can."

Dean laughs dryly, "Well, the world is pretty shit Chuck."

"You got that right," Chuck replies, voice relaxing before he adds, "Hey, you know there's a Dr. Sexy MD marathon on, right?"

"You like Dr. Sexy MD?" Dean asks, finding himself relax back into the couch, searching for the remote and finding it under a pillow, thankful for Chuck for making his mind go elsewhere.

"What? I saw you watching it during my prophet shit and somehow I got hooked. It's your fault," Chuck grumbles but then adds lightly, "The girls are hot though."

"Hmm," Dean hums as he flicks through the channels till he finds what he's looking for.

"Found it on TV yet? It's the new series, Andrea is back!"

"What?!" Dean shouts, completely letting the mindless conversation take over now, forgetting his anger about his shitty situation, "But she died!"

"Nope, that was her twin. You seriously need to catch up dude," Chuck remarks.

"Okay quick, give me the cliff notes and tell me everything that I've missed," Dean demands.

The next few hours, he chats to Chuck as they watch Dr Sexy together, Dean at first trying to keep his inner fanboy inside but then realising that Chuck fucking knows everything about him so it's pointless. After that, he fanboys to his hearts content, both of them shouting over each other as something exciting happens (like that fucking Andrea getting her comeuppance and dying in a car crash). The conversation is easy, helps Dean to relax, to try and forget and after a few hours of watching mindless television with Chuck, he starts to nod off, murmuring a sleepy goodbye to Chuck before collapsing on to the couch, exhaustion taking over. As he starts to doze off he realises that he needs to remember that even through all the shit, through everything that's going on, he chose to come back to not only save Cas but to spend more time with him, to have just a few more weeks with the angel and he can't keep fucking ruining it by being a wreck all the time. He needs to push that to the back of his head, to focus on  _now,_ to enjoy his time with the angel and spend as much time with him as possible, to make him smile as much as he can, to just  _be_ with him.

Dean wakes a few hours later (surprisingly without a nightmare) to a dark room, realises that he's fucking starving because he hasn't eaten in nearly a day and stumbles to the kitchen blearily, finds some burgers in the freezer and gets them out, whistling a tune to himself, somewhat tunefully, briefly wondering whether Cas is going to visit him tonight or not.

And that exact moment is when he turns to see Castiel standing in the doorway of the kitchen, looking completely stricken.

"Cas?" Dean asks, raising his eyebrows, trying to rack his brain as to why Cas would look like that, what could have possibly happened today (and fuck, Dean really should have been paying attention to the calendar shouldn't he?).

Castiel stays silent, his mouth still pulling downwards as he walks to Dean, not wasting any time and pulling Dean close to him, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck. Feeling a sense of nausea hit him, Dean pulls Castiel closer to him, arms easily finding Cas' waist, Castiel letting this be an invitation to bury his head in Dean's neck with a shaky sigh.

"What's wrong Cas?" Dean asks, the pit in his stomach still having not gone away because something is wrong and fuck, why can't he remember what happened today? What could have possibly happened to make Cas so upset?

"You just told me you never wanted to see my face again," Castiel replies into Dean's neck.

_Oh._

"You know I didn't really mean that right? I was just angry?" Dean asks, pulling Castiel even tighter to his hold, remembering what's just happened to Cas, that he'd just pulled Dean out of his first dream with Lucifer and Dean had found out that Cas had let Sam out of the panic room and he'd yelled at him for it and  _fuck._

Castiel shakes his head in reply, face still buried and Dean just wants to kick himself, to go to his past self and fucking nut him one because he'd made Cas be this upset. He'd made Cas think that he really didn't want to see him, that he never wanted to even be in his company and fuck, just thinking about it makes Dean hate himself all the more. But now he has a second chance, now he can fix this, make Cas realise what had been really going on with Dean that night, he can  _fix_ this.

Gently, Dean pulls away from Castiel, taking Cas' hands from Dean's neck, linking their hands together with a sad smile. Castiel's body slumps more but obediently lets Dean lead him to the dining chair, falling heavily onto it as Dean kneels in front of him. Still, Castiel doesn't look at him, chooses to stare at their hands instead, his lips pressed together in worry.

"Cas, look at me," Dean murmurs and though hesitatingly, Castiel does, eyes linking with Dean's, making Dean nearly forget what they were talking about because those eyes are fucking distracting, even now, "When I said that to you I was just angry okay? I was really angry. Not even at you really, you were just there at the time, admitting that you'd done something wrong so I put all my anger on you and I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry okay?"

"Then what were you angry about?" Castiel asks quietly.

"At myself." Dean admits, tightening his grasp on Castiel's hands, still finding it hard to talk about this even though it's been so long now, "Seeing Lucifer in my dream, seeing  _Hell,_ being reminded that I'd tortured all those souls, that me torturing those people helped release that son of a bitch. Being reminded of all that just made me angry at myself, so angry that I hated myself. And then when you turned around and said you released Sam from the panic room I just flipped and put all my anger and hatred of myself on you, trying to blame you for everything so I wouldn't have to feel guilty any more. And then you turned around and reminded me that  _I'd_  broke the first seal and then it was all back on myself and I was so angry at you for reminding me. Most of all though I was angry at myself but I put it all on you because that was easier y'know?"

Castiel's eyes widen in understanding and then guilt over washes his face again as he says with a quiet voice, "I didn't really mean what I said about you breaking the first seal, none of this was your fault Dean."

Dean sighs, leans forward to press their foreheads together, says softly, "Yeah I know you didn't Cas, I know."

"I'm sorry Dean," Castiel whispers, eyes shut.

Dean kisses him softly, just a quick brush of the lips, "I'm sorry too."

"How long is present you going to stay angry at me?" Castiel asks quietly, eyes opening worriedly, obviously afraid of the answer.

And that's the exact time that Dean realises that his past self is going to kiss Cas tonight. And things are only going to get worse between his past self and Cas because Dean's a dick and a stupid dick at that because at the time he'd thought Cas hadn't loved him back and had tried to push him away and wow, this is getting more and more complicated.

Still, Dean can't let Cas know this because he's pretty sure telling him even the slightest bit of it, it'll change something and Dean's future won't be there anymore so instead, Dean gives the angel an easy smile, "For this? Not very long. Now, enough of all this serious talk, I've got two burgers with our names on and I know you don't really have to eat but you can if you want to and it would be weird if I sat here eating with you just staring at me while I did. So what do you say, burgers?"

Castiel smiles back, "A burger would be nice."

"Good," Dean stands up, kissing Castiel on the way up, releasing Cas' hands, "They'll be done in a couple of minutes, go put the TV on and find us something to watch."

Dean goes back to the burgers, thinking Cas has left before arms wrap around his waist from behind him, Castiel pressing his nose to Dean's neck as he murmurs, "Thank you Dean."

"You're welcome you idiot," Dean jokes, letting one hand glide up to Cas' and squeezing it for a moment, "Now leave me or else our burgers will get burnt."

"Okay," Castiel mutters, kissing Dean quickly on the cheek before leaving him to it, Dean relaxing as he flips the burgers over because he's managed to fix something, even if it's one thing, but it matters, oh it matters, because if Dean hadn't been here, if Cas would have had to deal with this alone, he's scared as to what would have happened, how Cas would have dealt with the situation. And by the situation, he means Dean being a complete and utter dick.

Sighing, he sorts out their food, grabs both plates and walks back to the sitting room, sitting as close to Cas as possible, leg hitting against his as he passes the plate to Cas.

"Find anything to watch?" Dean asks, watching as Cas stares at his burger before carefully picking it up.

"Oh," Castiel mutters, "No, sorry."

"S'okay," Dean murmurs, kisses the side of Cas' cheek, "I'll find something."

And okay, maybe he straight away goes back to the Dr. Sexy marathon but so what, he fucking likes it okay?

He's not even watching it at first though, his eyes trained on Castiel as he takes his first bite of the burger, which Dean is pretty sure is the first thing he's eaten  _ever_ so yeah, it's kind of a big deal.

"So," Dean prompts, "Do you like it?"

Castiel turns to meet his gaze, his face lighting up, "Yes."

"Good," Dean grins, pecks him on the mouth before he starts on his own burger and seriously, Dean is a fucking good cook because this burger is  _delicious._

Once they've both finished eating, Dean puts their plates on the table in front of them and pulls Cas closer to his side, arms wrapping around him easily. Castiel hums in contentment, shifts his body so his legs rest over Dean's, dangling over Dean's comfortably. Dean kisses his temple with a smile before focusing back on the television, one hand snaking up to rest at the nape of Castiel's neck as Castiel's own hands finds Dean's shirt and fiddles with it absentmindedly. They watch in silence, Dean's gaze more often than not guiding back to Cas' face, watches the curious look on his face as he watches the television screen.

At times though, what's happening on the screen is enough to distract himself from Cas' face, watching aptly as Dr. Sexy does surgery on his long lost brother. It isn't until the episode goes to an advert break that he realises that Castiel isn't watching the show anymore, rather watching  _him._

"What?" Dean asks, eyebrows raised.

Castiel watches him for a moment before asking matter-of-factly, "You like Dr Sexy?"

Dean feels his cheeks redden under Cas' gaze and squirms uncomfortably but it doesn't perturb Cas who remarks, "You find Dr Sexy attractive?"

Dean squirms even more, mumbles, "Um, maybe?"

"Oh," Castiel mutters back, averting his gaze back to his fingers fiddling with Dean's shirt, opening and closing one button over and over.

"Wait," Dean says, very nearly laughing because he can't be reading this situation right but if he is, it's downright fucking hilarious, "Are you jealous Cas?"

"No!" Castiel grumbles, forehead creased.

"Aw you totally are," Dean laughs, dropping his head to fall against Cas' temple.

"No, I am not," Castiel mutters and Dean can feel Cas' cheeks warm up and okay, his angel is freaking adorable.

Dean drops his head so he can kiss Cas' neck gently, "Don't worry Cas, you're still number one for me."

"I am?" Castiel asks timidly, cheeks still red.

"Definitely," Dean reaffirms, feels himself smile fondly at the angel as he kisses him. He's not sure which one of them deepens the kiss, tongues gliding against each other as Castiel leans into it, hands grasping onto Dean's shirt, making Dean smile with the kiss, one hand at the back of Cas' neck, the other around his waist, pulling him in as close as possible.

And that's when the phone starts ringing.

Groaning, Dean pulls back because he knows who's calling Cas, that it's his completely and utterly drunk past self who needs Cas arguably more than Dean needs him right at this moment (And that just makes Dean feel jealous of his past self which is so fucking ridiculous it's untrue.)

Castiel pulls his phone out, eyes widening in worry when he must see who's calling, answers it as quickly as possible, his voice rising to panic, "Dean?"

There's a moment of silence as Dean's past self must be saying some drunken shit, something that Dean can't even remember anymore because he'd been so fucking drunk at the time.

"Dean, where are you?" Castiel asks urgently down the phone and then adds, still frantic, "Just tell me where you are Dean."

Castiel turns to Dean when his past self must hang up the phone, asks, "Where is he?"

Dean sighs, "At the bar just around the corner from the motel, I can't remember the name. Now go."

Castiel looks at him for a moment hesitatingly before he leans in and kisses Dean on the forehead and then he's gone.

Dean lets out a long sigh, knowing that Cas won't be gone long but a little worried as to how he's going to be when he gets back. His past self is going to kiss Cas and then through his own self hatred, is going to push Cas away which is probably going to confuse the fuck out of Cas and wow, he really wants to punch himself in the face for being a dick to Cas. It's kind of worrying how much he gets that thought.

Pushing that thought out of the way, he goes back to watching the television, nervous as to what Cas is going to be feeling when he comes back.

After a little while, Castiel reappears, a confused look on his face as he looks at Dean and yeah, Cas kind of has every right to because there's two Dean's in his life, one of them kisses him, the other pushes him away and that must be completely confusing to the guy.

Dean smiles at him as normally as possible as he turns off the television because Cas needs all of his attention right now. Castiel stays where is he is, watching him with a small frown so Dean gestures for him to sit next to him. The angel slowly makes his way to the couch and sits next to him and Dean realises that the guy is shaking.

"You okay Cas?" Dean asks even though it's a stupid question because he is so obviously  _not_ okay.

"I'm not sure," Castiel replies with his usual honesty.

"Past me just kissed you huh?" Dean murmurs, wrapping his arms around Castiel and pulling him into a hug that's gentle enough that Castiel can move away from him if he wants to. With the same gentleness, Dean kisses Cas' neck, Cas relaxing somewhat under his touch, leaning into Dean.

"Yes," Castiel replies, still sounding unsure.

"And now you're really confused," Dean points out, hands gliding up and down Cas' back soothingly.

"Yes."

"And you're worried about how past me is going to act after this," Dean murmurs, kissing Cas on the neck again, one hand gliding up to stroke through Cas' hair.

"Yes," Castiel mumbles, sounding disheveled, probably because he knows Dean too well, that he runs away and outright ignores anything.

Dean sighs as he admits, "I'm not going to lie to you Cas, past me is going to act like a bit of a dick to you for a while."

Castiel stiffens under his hold, making Dean's heart wrench painfully as he pulls out to see Cas' terrified expression.

"Hey Cas, it's going to be okay though," Dean murmurs and kisses Cas gently on the forehead, "It'll all work out in the end."

That doesn't seem to calm Cas though, just makes him frown harder, "I don't understand how it can, how that Dean can become you."

"A lot of things happen between now and the future," Dean murmurs, feels his lower lip tremble at that because  _too much_ happens so he distracts Cas from noticing by resting their foreheads together, promises, "But trust me when I say this, it  _will_  work out, you and me  _will_ get together after I, y'know, get my shit together and finally admit to it all."

"How long until past you gets your shit together?" Castiel sniffs, his arms wrapping around Dean's waist loosely.

Dean snorts because hearing Cas swear never gets old, "Not long, but give him a break okay? He's not exactly going through the best of times. He's just helped start the apocalypse, just been touched up mentally by the freaking Devil and oh, he's just kissed his best friend."

"I'm your best friend?" Castiel asks, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

"Course you are," Dean grins, "But you're a lot more than that, trust me."

"I am?" Castiel asks curiously, blinking at Dean with those damn baby blues.

"Want me to show you how much more?" Dean can't help but ask. Castiel doesn't waste any time on speech, grabs Dean by his hair and smashes their mouths together, kissing him roughly, making Dean involuntarily moan. Castiel pulls him even further into the kiss, tongue fighting for dominance in Dean's mouth. Without thought, Dean instinctively tugs at Cas' trench coat impatiently and Castiel quickly gets what Dean wants, takes his hands from Dean's hair for a short moment to pull off his trench coat, the suit jacket following it to the floor. Hands are back in Dean's hair again, tugging at the strands on the right side of painful as Castiel leans even further into Dean's space. Compliantly, Dean drops to his back, head hitting against the couch's arm chair but he doesn't have any time to even consider the pain as Castiel attacks him with kisses.

With an impatient growl, Dean tugs at Cas' shirt, untucking it from his pants so he can trail his hands up and down Cas' back, fingernails scraping against bare skin as he carries on kissing him, letting everything feed into the kiss. Castiel moans into his mouth, hands roaming over Dean's shirt and jeans, like he's not sure of which one to work on first, shifting in Dean's grip and then their cocks are pressed against each other and  _fuck_ it feels good. Castiel groans, rolling his hips to get even more contact, fingers digging into Dean's shoulders.

Finally, Dean's patience has run out so he pulls from Cas' mouth just for long enough that he can gasp, "Bed."

With a blink, they're on the bed, Castiel still straddling his hips, hair debauched, lips puffy. Dean rolls them over so he's on top looking down at his angel, letting himself have a moment to stare at Cas, to take every little thing about him in and then he needs to touch, for there to be nothing between them so in between furious kisses, he pulls off his own shirt over his head and then scrambles to get his jeans off, dropping them to the side of the bed. When he glances back at Castiel though, the angel is distracted, fingers tracing the new scar that Dean had gotten from the demon attack that seems so long a go now, not a few weeks ago.

Dean takes Cas' hand and presses it to his mouth, kissing his fingers softly, murmurs, "Just another war wound."

Before Castiel can question any further, Dean presses their mouths together, his tongue granting access easily, moaning into each other's mouths.

"De-Dean," Castiel manages to pant between kisses, breathlessly looks up to Dean. Dean stops what he's doing and notices what's going on, that Cas is struggling to undo the buttons of his own shirt as quick as he wants to. Dean can't help but chuckle at Cas' impatient face and undoes the buttons for him, kissing and licking at Cas' neck, occasionally nipping at him. As soon as the shirt is undone, Dean lets his mouth wander to Cas' collarbone, fingertips trailing teasingly down Cas' chest, landing on Cas' crotch, smiling against Cas' skin when the angel bucks up to the touch. Dean's mouth finds Cas nipples, sucking on both of them, knowing that this is one of the things that truly gets Cas off, his hands clumsily unbuckling Cas' trousers, tugging them down with an impatient growl because he needs to be fucking inside Cas  _now._

Dean shuffles down Cas' body, gripping onto the edge of Cas' trousers and boxers and pulling them down, throwing them across the room with his own boxers. As quickly as possible, Dean crawls back onto Cas, straddling him so their cocks are pressed together, Cas lifting his hips to meet Dean's rutting.

Dean lets his head fall to Cas' neck, moans, very nearly incoherent, "You want me inside you baby?"

"Yes," Castiel groans and that's all Dean needs to get this show on the road, to show Cas what this is like, that Dean can make it good for him. Dean leans over, one hand still on Cas' chest, fingers trailing up and down as he wrenches open the bedside drawer, grabbing the lube. He doesn't take long to coat his fingers and his cock, feels Cas' gaze on him so Dean meets those eyes, smiles at how completely wrecked Cas already looks, realises he'd missed this. He fucking loves sitting on the couch and cuddling, loves just talking, but he also loves this right here, to pull Cas apart, to make him moan his name, completely undone, for them to properly be as one.

"You ready?" Dean asks, voice unsteady as he watches Cas nod feverishly. Dean circles Cas' hole first, one hand brushing up and down Cas' thigh to distract him as he pushes the finger in, Castiel groaning below him. Dean watches his face, sees that he's tense (and who the fuck can blame him when this is his first time doing this?) so he kisses Cas on the mouth, wanting to distract Cas from any of the pain, needing Cas to like this, for this to be good. Castiel's body relaxes around Dean as he kisses back just as roughly and after a while, he finally breaks the kiss to demand, completely out of breath, "More Dean."

"Okay baby," Dean murmurs, slowly pushing a second finger in, shifting them inside Cas, desperate to find the sweet spot that he knows will make Cas become completely undone. It doesn't take him long as he kisses Castiel, Cas' fingers digging into whatever part he can grab of Dean, the fingernails digging into Dean's skin as Castiel moans, the loudest so far and Dean knows he's found his prostrate. Dean watches as Castiel arches his head back, sweat gathering on his forehead, as his mouth forms a tiny 'o', hips pushing up to meet Dean's fingers. Dean lets his fingers work some more, occasionally hitting against Cas' prostrate to keep him going, to get as many moans and breathless pants out of his angel as possible.

"Dean, I- I want-" Cas pants, not even able to form a sentence, body trembling with need under Dean.

"I got you," Dean promises, "And you're going to have all of me in you, you want that don't you?"

"Dean, please," Castiel cries and then whimpers as Dean pulls out his fingers, knowing that Cas is ready now, that he's not going to hurt him. Dean shifts into a better position, Castiel instinctively wrapping his legs around Dean, eyes never leaving Dean's.

"You ready baby?" Dean asks.

Castiel nods, stutters, "Ye-Yes."

With permission, Dean slowly pushes himself in, aware that this is Cas' first time, that the feeling must be overwhelming so he presses their mouths together once more as he bottoms out, staying like that for a little while, hands balanced on Cas' chest as he kisses him with a mix of gentle and rough kisses, teeth and tongue clashing against each other.

After the feeling of not moving is too much, Dean starts to move, slow at first, thrusting in and out of Castiel, moaning into Cas' mouth. Castiel groans, one arm wrapping around Dean's back to pull him closer, the other landing on the hand print on Dean's shoulder. And that's when Dean nearly fucking loses it, quickening his pace, head falling to Cas' shoulder, no longer able to keep up with the kissing, thrusting in and out, Cas' name on his lips each time, a breathless prayer. Castiel copies him, moans Dean's name, hand tightening on Dean's shoulder, making Dean give his hardest thrust yet and he knows he's hitting Cas' prostate, Cas screaming Dean's name now, legs wrapped around Dean tightening, pulling him even further inside him, bucking his hips to each thrust.

Dean takes himself from Cas' shoulder, looks down at how fucking perfect Cas looks below him, doesn't even stop himself from gasping, "You're so fucking beautiful."

He kisses Cas, still thrusting and then Castiel is coming hard and fast, come spurting on both of their chests, fingernails digging into Dean's back, very nearly drawing blood. Dean's thrusts start to stutter, losing rhythm as he feels himself coming inside of the angel, forehead pressed against Cas' as he does, Cas' name on his lips.

He slows his thrusts until he stops completely, pulling himself out of Cas before dropping heavily on Cas' chest, burying his head in Cas' neck, hardly able to  _think_  let alone form a sentence. Castiel's arms wrap around his waist, holding onto him tightly as they both come down from their highs, Dean never wanting to leave the angel's hold.

 


	28. Chapter 28

Dean should have expected it really, should have known that the gap in his nightmares wouldn't last, not even when he's in Cas' arms. It's the same dream as the rest, the screaming of Cas' grace as it dissipates into nothing, his body falling to the ground, empty now, his body burning. Even his dreams don't have to distort it, reality is much worse than what even his brain can create.

Thankfully, this time Castiel is there to wake him before the dream turns to the worst part, hands tightly bracing his shoulders as he shakes him awake. At first, Dean doesn't know what's happening, doesn't realise its Cas, fights out, until hands grab onto his wrists, stopping himself from thrashing against him.

"It's okay Dean, it's okay, it was just a dream," Castiel calls out and Dean finally wakes up properly, the dream flying away from him as he looks up at Castiel, looks at the angel that he's watched die, has had to say goodbye to and it's all too much, too much to look into those blue eyes when he's seen them lifeless, so he buries himself against Cas' chest, hands grasping onto any part of Cas he can hold onto, to tell him that he's  _alive,_ that he's still there beside him.

"It's okay Dean, you're safe," Castiel whispers calmly, fingers gently guiding through Dean's hair as soothingly as possible. Dean lets out a whimper, trying his hardest to steady his breathing as he listens to Cas' heartbeat, a reminder that Cas is alive.

"It was just a dream," Castiel murmurs, kissing the top of Dean's head. Shivering, Dean wants to scream that no, it hadn't been just a dream, it had been reality, a reality that no matter what he does, he won't be able to stop.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Castiel asks, hands still carding through Dean's hair. Not trusting his voice, Dean just shakes his head because even if he  _could_ tell Cas the dream, could tell him what happens, he's pretty sure that he wouldn't be able to say it out loud, wouldn't be able to get the words out. Because in Cas' arms, he can dump it to the back of his mind, forget it happens but if he were to say it loud, were to tell Cas what happens, it would all come billowing back to the surface, would make it all the more  _real._

Castiel doesn't seem perturbed that Dean doesn't want to talk about it, just murmurs softly, "Okay Dean, just try and go back to sleep."

Dean stays buried in Cas' chest, knowing that he will sleep eventually, it'll just take an hour or so, that's all. It takes him that long to re-bury the nightmare, to pretend that it never happened. Castiel carries on stroking Dean's hair, a sign that he's not asleep either, probably staying awake until Dean sleep, his very own watcher. What had his mother said?  _Angels are watching over you._ He doubts his mother had meant that quite so literally.

Dean receives another kiss to his hair as he finds his mind finally beginning to drift, thinks about how much his and Cas' roles have reversed. In the future, Dean is the one to look after Cas, to watch over him at night after a nightmare, to soothe him when he wakes up screaming. But here and now, Cas is the one to care for Dean, to watch over him as he sleeps and Dean hates it, hates the fact that Cas has to look after him for even a minute. Because Dean has saw Cas die, has saw him obliterate into nothing and that just makes his need to care for him go into overdrive, makes him want to bundle Cas up and never let go, not even let him go see Dean's past self because he knows it's going to hurt Cas and he doesn't want to hurt him, can't bear the thought of hurting him, not now. But he knows he can't do that, can't be that overbearing but he can damn sure care for him and if Cas has to keep looking out for him instead of the other way around, well, that just defeats the purpose. Dean should be caring for Cas, not the other way around.

He's vehemently ignoring the fact that he, in the same situation with Cas in the future but with the roles reversed, had took care of Cas too, that Cas had let himself be cared for because he refuses to even entertain the idea that Cas should have to look after him, even now. During his whole life, Dean has and will always be the protector, the one who does the caring no matter what. He's not going to make it so that Cas will have to take care of him in the few weeks before Dean marches to his death, he's  _not_ going to do that to Cas, he doesn't want to do that to Cas,  _he_ wants to be the protector, the one to look after Cas, to show him how much he loves him before he dies, before he leaves him behind.

That's his last coherent thought before he drifts to unconsciousness, hoping that one nightmare will be enough for tonight.

Dean is woken up with how he loves to be awoken, Cas' soothing hand running through his hair and a kiss to the forehead. Smiling, Dean slowly opens his eyes, looking up to a concerned looking angel who doesn't look like he's slept much. But then again, Castiel doesn't quite need sleep as much as his future self so Dean supposes it’s to be expected.

"How are you feeling?" Castiel asks worriedly, fingers still running through Dean's hair until it rests on the nape of his neck, making the hairs there stand on end.

"Perfect," Dean grins because he is, he's woken up with Cas beside him, arms wrapped around his waist and that's more than Dean can even ask for.

Castiel takes a hesitant breath before murmuring, "Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be perfect?" Dean asks, kissing the corner of Cas' mouth, a kiss that Cas hardly reciprocates because he's still looking at Dean with concerned eyes. At first, Dean's wonders why Cas is looking at him so worriedly but then he remembers last night, remembers how he'd woken up with yet another nightmare but this time Cas had been there, had been there to see how much of a mess Dean had been. So yeah, Cas has every right to wonder whether Dean is okay. Cas isn't to know that Dean is used to these nightmares now, that he's gotten better at brushing them aside when the sun comes up.

"Seriously Cas, I'm fine," Dean assures, rolling his eyes because he is, he's fine now but he won't be if he keeps having to think about it, "You want breakfast?"

"Yes, that would be nice," Castiel replies with a relaxed smile but Dean can still see the underlying worry there that he chooses to ignore.

"We'll have some when I can be bothered to get out of bed okay?" Dean mumbles, letting himself cuddle back into Cas' chest, shutting his eyes and thinking now would be a great time to have another nap, perhaps using Cas as a pillow because he's much more comfy.

"I can go get us some food if you wish," Castiel offers, clearly not getting what Dean is really saying, taking what Dean says literally as usual.

"You being in the bed is the reason I want to stay in the bed longer you dumbass," Dean rolls his eyes, lets his finger prod Cas in the ribs teasingly.

"Oh," Castiel hums in understanding, goes back to stroking Dean's hair again, "Then I won't leave."

Dean laughs throatily at that, throat still thick from sleep as he listens to Cas' heart thud gently against Dean's forehead. Dean smiles at how  _alive_ Cas is, wraps an arm easily around his waist and pulls him closer as he shifts upwards so he can see Cas' face smiling back at him.

Dean thinks about what happens today, if there's anything that he needs to do in his 'Superman' duties, his mind venturing towards Castiel and his past self, mainly at the fact that his past self is currently pacing the floor and vomiting everywhere, thinking he's fucked everything up with Cas and that he's never going to return to them again. Dean remembers feeling that, all the guilt and shame and okay, as much as he hates his past self for being a dick to Cas after they kiss, especially after seeing how Cas had truly reacted after it all, he still can't help but remember how messed up he'd felt at the time too, how much he'd thought that Cas hated him. It's difficult when Dean can see both sides of the fallout, it makes it tougher as to whose side he thinks he should be on.

"You going to see past me and Sammy today?" Dean asks before he even thinks about what he's saying.

Castiel freezes, opening his mouth in surprise and then he's frowning, saying stiffly, "I don't think I would be welcome."

And okay, Dean deserves that.

Dean feels himself redden as he mutters, "You should go see them, you're going to have to see them eventually and I know at the time I told you not to come see us-"

"I recall it being said a different way than that," Castiel interrupts, eyes narrowing.

"Yeah, okay, I was a dick, happy now?" Dean retorts, letting out a huff of annoyance at himself, rather than Cas, "But you should go see them, me calling you when I was drunk was my way of saying that you could stick around okay?"

Castiel's face goes blank as he says matter-of-factly, "Yes but then you kissed me."

"Well yeah, but you should still go okay," Dean shrugs, trying to be as casual as possible.

Castiel's gaze lowers as he shifts uncomfortably, murmurs honestly, "I don't know."

"Cas, please will you go see them?" Dean pleads because if Cas doesn't go see his past self today he's going to change a lot of shit. Because he remembers how fucked up his head had been after he'd kissed Cas that first time, how he'd assumed that Cas would never come back, that he hated Dean. And if Cas doesn't turn up that morning like he did then Dean would assume he'd been right and everything would get completely fucked up, could change everything, could stop them from ever getting together and no way is Dean going to let that happen. Cas  _has_ to go see them, he  _has_ to.

Castiel obviously doesn't understand the urgency, raises his eyebrows at Dean, "Why are you so anxious for me to go see them today?"

Dean wants to tell him why, wants to tell him why his past self is going to push Cas away, what he's really feeling, that he's not really angry with Cas, he's angry with himself. But he knows he can't. He has to let this play out, let his past self and Cas go through all the shit which will ultimately lead them to be together. He wants to change it, wants to make it so his past self isn't tormented for weeks thinking that Cas hates him and he wants to make it so Cas doesn't feel like Dean hates him either but he knows he has to let it happen. And it's the worst feeling in the world.

Dean lowers his gaze to Cas' mouth, hating having to lie to Cas even when it's for his benefit, "I just want you to go see them that's all. I mean, you guys have the colt now, Lucifer is on your ass, you guys should be making up some sort of plan."

Castiel mulls this over, says slowly, "I suppose."

"Just do it for me okay baby?" Dean murmurs, knowing that that's a sure way to get Cas to say yes, alongside either pouting or kissing. He decides to go with the kiss, slow and gentle, smiling against Cas' mouth as Castiel's thumbs brush alongside his jaw softly.

Castiel studies Dean's face for a moment before saying, "You call me baby."

"Yeah. Why, don't you like it?" Dean frowns because wouldn't that be fucking great, he's been calling Cas baby for ages now and he's never said anything about him not liking it before but how fucking awkward would it be if he didn't?

"No, I like it," Castiel smiles making Dean sigh in relief then frown again because Cas is frowning at him, "But you call your car baby too."

Dean can't help but grin at that, pecks Cas' on the lips and replies, "You're both my babies."

Castiel seems to consider this and his conclusion must be good because his face lights up, a small cautious smile on his face due to whatever he's thinking about. Dean smiles, waits for Cas to come out of his thoughts, lets his fingers glide up and down Cas' side, not that Cas seems to notice.

Finally, Cas comes out of his thoughts, asks out of the blue, "Why does past you and Sam call you _Superman_?"

"You don't know who _Superman_ is?" Dean asks horrified because sure, he knows Cas isn't exactly one for pop culture but he'd figured that he'd know who Superman is because well, it's  _Superman._ Come to think of it, he's not exactly giving Cas much credit here because it's technically not been that long since Cas has been forced into humanity so he guesses he wouldn't know. In the future, Cas is pretty good with pop culture due to Dean's awesome teaching but right now, he hasn't been taught anything yet, doesn't even know who freaking _Superman_ is.

"No," Castiel mumbles, looking embarrassed that he doesn't know, "Who is he? I'm supposing he is a man who is super?"

"He's a superhero from another planet. He goes around as Clark Kent but he's secretly _Superman_ , going around saving everyone in secret. He has a cape," Dean explains with a nod, figures that's an easy explanation but Cas is looking at him like he's grew two heads.

"Dean," Castiel says slowly as if he were talking to a really thick kid, "There are no other planets with aliens... Are you feeling okay?"

Dean drops his head to Cas' neck and laughs, poking Cas in the ribs again, "He's fictional you idiot!"

"Oh," Castiel mumbles and when Dean leans out, he can't help but laugh again at how red Cas has gotten.

"Seriously, when you get back here tonight we'll have to watch some of the films," Dean promises because he's pretty sure that the collection of DVD's he brought to this cabin a few years ago after the time he, Sam and Bobby had been stuck here in a storm with no entertainment whatsoever has Superman in there somewhere.

"I'd like that," Castiel replies with a smile.

Dean kisses Cas lazily and then feels his stomach rumble, "Okay, we've really got to get up now because I'm starving and even you cuddling me isn't worth me dying of hunger."

Castiel hums in agreement and steadily watches as Dean pulls himself from Cas' warm body and grumpily get out of bed, throwing on a pair of sweats. He turns back to Cas who's still in bed, staring at Dean unabashedly.

"You coming or what?" Dean raises an eyebrow.

Castiel seems to jolt out of his staring match with Dean's body, mumbles a quick yes before leaving the bed, ignoring Dean's knowing smirk. He picks up his scattered clothes and with a blink of the eye, he's dressed in his usual attire, trench coat and all. He looks at Dean proudly, raising an eyebrow.

Dean huffs, "I was kind of enjoying the view Cas."

"The view?" Castiel asks with a confused, adorable frown.

Dean sighs, makes his way over to Cas and fiddles with Cas' collar, "The view of you being naked."

"Oh," Castiel breathes out, his gaze lowering to Dean's mouth which makes Dean really want to do something that involves getting Cas out of those damn clothes all over again but he knows he can't, not right this minute anyway.

"Come on baby, let’s go have breakfast, I'll teach you how to make pancakes," Dean grins, grabbing a hold of Cas' hand and dragging him to the kitchen, smirking at what sounds like a grunt of dissatisfaction from Cas that their little bedroom moment is cut short.

Turns out, teaching Cas to heat up pancakes in the microwave is more fun than it sounds (well, to Dean it had sounded like loads of fun but he figures anyone else looking in would probably think he was weird for thinking that but again, who gives a fuck). Cas doesn't seem to find it difficult and let's be honest, it's not difficult, but Dean still praises him with kisses up and down his jaw, nudging him with his hip when he pours dollops of syrup on his own pancakes.

Cas freezes and looks down at the syrupy mess and looks horrified.

"What?" Dean cocks his head confused, "You love syrup."

"I do?" Castiel asks with a wrinkled nose of disdain.

"Oh, um," Dean mumbles because he'd forgotten that this is past Cas and he hasn't decided whether he likes pancakes yet, hasn't even tasted them before, "How about you take a bite from my plate with all the syrup, then if you like it, you can bury your own pancakes with syrup?"

Castiel contemplates it and impatiently, Dean gets a forkful of pancakes covered in syrup and brings it to Cas' mouth. Castiel looks down at it and then back at Dean's eyes questionably.

"Just try it baby," Dean says. Castiel gives him a small smile at that, clearly showing that yep, he does actually like the pet-name before tentatively taking a bite. Eagerly, Dean waits for Castiel's reaction which Cas doesn't give to him, just chews with a straight face, swallowing the last bit of it, his face still having unchanged.

"Well?"

Castiel doesn't reply, just grabs the syrup bottle and pours a shit load of syrup onto his own plate of pancakes. Dean grins, kissing Cas on the cheek before grabbing his plate and making his way to the couch, Cas on his tails. Dean hooks an arm around Cas' shoulders before letting his hand rest on the nape of Cas' neck, playing with the hair there as they both eat in silence, Cas' free hand snaking to rest on Dean's thigh, making Dean smile wider.

It doesn't take long for them to both finish eating their pancakes and as Dean drops his plate to the table, leaning back with a full stomach, he wonders whether this is where Cas had gotten the idea to give Dean's past self the pancakes. It seems that it's yet another thing that Dean may have influenced by accident, another thing he's caused between his past self and Cas.

Castiel drops his plate to the table too, turns to Dean, a hint of sugar on his lips and the moment is too easy to pass.

"You have a little sugar on your-" Dean murmurs, leaning forward as he says it, brushing their lips together before he can finish the sentence, grinning against Cas' mouth.

Castiel sighs happily against his mouth, "Are you sure you have it all?"

"You're such an idiot," Dean murmurs with a grin, kissing Cas once more to tell him that he's joking, nuzzling their noses together before leaning back out of it to see Cas' face.

Castiel looks at him for a moment before saying, somewhat regretfully, "I'm going to go see Sam and Dean now."

"Okay," Dean nods because he'd been waiting for this, knowing that Cas really needs to see his past self today or shit will happen,  _major_ shit. He doesn't exactly want Cas to go, not just because he'll miss him for those few hours, but because he knows Cas is more than likely going to come back to him upset. And every time Cas comes to him upset after Dean knows it's because of his past self, it makes Dean hate himself a little bit more, makes him think even more that he doesn't deserve Cas, didn't deserve Cas to forgive him and want him back. And that's definitely not a nice feeling to have.

Castiel seems to hesitate, not wanting to leave Dean either, probably not wanting to have to face the Dean that kissed him only a few hours ago while he'd been drunk and Dean can see why Cas wouldn't want that. Because if there's anyone that knows Dean, knows how he fights out after something big has happened, it's Cas.

"Hey Cas, it'll be fine," Dean says even though he knows it's not exactly going to be fine for a while at least, arguably it'll never be fine but he can't let Cas know that. He stands up, ruffling Cas' hair, smiling easily at the angel, "I'll be here when you're finished with them okay?"

Castiel looks up at him and nods before disappearing altogether.

Dean sighs, picks up the two, now empty, plates and takes them to the kitchen, cleaning them up now because he doesn't really have anything better to do. Still feeling hungry and knowing that Cas will be gone for the morning anyway, Dean busies himself with making lunch early, trying his hardest not to think about how his past self is treating Cas shittily at this very moment. While his lunch is cooking, he goes to the DVD collection, flicking through DVD after DVD until he hits the jackpot and finds one or two  _Superman_  films hidden in the mix. He grabs them, scoops the first one out of its holder and puts it in the DVD player, waiting until it's on the title screen, pressing play for the film to start and then pausing it, smiling knowingly at the fact that he and Cas are going to be disgustingly domestic tonight and have a movie night. It makes him wish yet again that they had been a normal couple, two normal guys that happened to meet in a mundane place like a grocery store, one of them accidentally on purpose hitting their shopping trolley against the others, their life leading from there where they would go on normal dates, would have a normal life. Not this life where it involves time travel and Lucifer and the apocalypse and both of them dying for each other. But no, they can't have that, have to live with the time travel and the apocalypse and Lucifer so they can be together. They have to deal with all that for them to have this time and honestly, Dean's okay with it. Sure, he'd prefer it if they were a normal, boring couple, but being together is worth the added shit.

He eats his lunch in silence and then goes about doing basic chores, cleaning up some of the messes he's made the past few days, some of it even messes that Cas has contributed to which makes Dean grin at which yeah, he should probably feel like an idiot for but he doesn't care, there's no-one here to judge him for. Oh, except Chuck's creepy prophet dreams but he's past worrying about what Chuck thinks of him seeing as the guy already knows everything about him and somehow still wants to be his friend. Come on, the dude's wrote  _sex scenes_ about him, he's not going to give a fuck if Dean is laughing to himself because he's happy that Cas is freaking around  _to_ make a mess.

Once he's finished with his cleaning, he goes back to check that the chain he's bought is still in the back of the drawer, like it could have gone somewhere. He'd bought it between saving Cas from Zachariah and getting here. He had drove past a jewellers and had just  _known_ that was the place where Dean would buy the chain for Cas, the chain that would hold his ring around Cas' neck until Dean's past self would notice it and slip it on Cas' finger.

He picks up the chain and runs it through his fingers, dropping it in his palm to inspect it. It's nothing special, not overly expensive, but still, it's important, one of the most, if  _the_ most important things he's bought in his life. Because this is the chain that he'll give to Cas alongside the ring, to show him not only that he loves him, but how fucking  _much_ he loves him, that he'd give him his ring, not just because he knows that his future self already had, that it had already happened so Dean should follow through, no, not because of that all. He's going to give him the ring because he  _wants_ to, he wants Cas to have a part of him before he dies, wants Cas to always have him with him, that even when Dean gets killed by Lucifer, Cas will be able to look down at the chain around his neck and remember that Dean is still there with him, that even in death, he's still there protecting him.

The problem is, Dean is waiting. He's waiting for something to happen before he gives the ring and chain to Cas.

He's waiting for Cas to tell him he loves him.

Dean knows it’s stupid, that they've only been together like this for such a small amount of time but he's still waiting for it, is still hoping that he'll hear those three words at least one more time before he has to walk into that warehouse and die. He craves to hear those words, for Cas to look up to him, look right into his soul and tell him he loves him, that he'll always love him. He's starting to think that maybe it won't happen though, that Cas isn't ready to say those words, that maybe he won't be ready till he sees Dean die, that the moment of losing him is the moment that triggers Cas to realise he loves him. And Dean's ready for that, is ready to not hear those words, is prepared to give Cas his ring even if he doesn't say it but still, he hopes and hopes that he'll be able to hear it, just one more time, even if it's the last thing he hears.

He shoves the chain to the back of the drawer again and shuts it with a sigh because thinking about shit like this doesn't help things so he makes his way back to the couch, falls back on it with a thud, letting his feet rest on the coffee table in front of him. He must be psychic or something because that's the exact time that Castiel appears in the living room, looking a little worse for wear, probably from Dean's past self being a dick.

This doesn't deter Dean from grinning and reaching over to grab Cas' hand. He pulls a compliant Cas to sit next to him on the couch, the angel leaning against him heavily before Dean thinks fuck it and pulls Cas to sit on his lap instead, Cas leaning his back against Dean's chest. Dean looks at the still image of the starting credits of Superman on the screen, thinking that Cas is probably going to want to talk before they watch it, which might get a little awkward because he will technically be bitching about Dean but hey, Dean kinda deserves it.

Dean doesn't have to wait long before Castiel notes dryly, "At the moment, being with present you is exasperating."

"Hey, that's still  _me_  you're talking about," Dean says, trying to keep the conversation as light as possible, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist and pulling him tighter to his chest, kissing the back of his neck as a way of greeting.

"The statement still stands," Castiel replies flatly.

Dean can't help but chuckle at Cas' matter-of-fact manner, presses his nose to Cas' neck, "Okay Cas, I get it, he's pissed you off."

Castiel shivers, his hand resting heavily on Dean's, murmurs, "Yes."

"Are you pissed at me as well?" Dean asks with a frown because it would make sense for Cas to be angry at him because he's the same guy as the one that has just upset him, wouldn't blame Cas is he turned around, yelled at him and left.

"No, why would I be?" Castiel replies, obviously not making the connection. He must see the Dean's as separate people and Dean isn't sure whether that's a good thing or not.

"Because like I said, the person who has pissed you off is still me. I mean sure, it's past me but all the stuff he's done to piss you off, I did all of that to you," Dean mumbles, resting his chin on Cas' shoulder, unsure of whether it's a good idea to be pointing out this to Cas because the guy might come to the conclusion that both Deans are dicks and walk away from him.

"Oh," Castiel murmurs, seeming to contemplate it for a little while before asking, "Are you sorry?"

"Yes," Dean says, tightening his hold of the angel because he is, he's more than sorry. He wishes he could take it all back, wishes he could re-do it all and just fucking kiss the guy, kiss him as soon as he appeared in Chuck's home after Chuck had just told them that he'd died. He wishes he could go back and do that, change it all because then, even if both of them would end up dying anyway, they wouldn't have to deal with the shit of both of them thinking the other doesn't want them that way, would have had a longer time together.

"Then I forgive you," Castiel says simply, leaning further back onto Dean's chest, head tilting back slightly.

"Well that was easy," Dean jokes as he relaxes, lets his mouth find Cas' neck and kissing it. He finds his pressure point easily, grazing his tongue against it before nipping the skin.

Castiel shudders under his touch, breathes out, "On- On second thoughts I don't forgive you."

"You don't?" Dean pulls back a little from his arms, stilling.

Castiel's breath gets heavier, mumbles uncertainly, "I think you need to  _show_ me how sorry you are."

"Oh yeah?" Dean relaxes again, smirking against Cas' neck.

"Yes," Castiel smiles, eyelashes fluttering, "I will only believe that you're sorry if you show me."

"Cas?" Dean asks, going back to kissing Cas' neck, then going to nibble on Cas' ear.

"Yes Dean?" Castiel's voice wavers, head tilting back to give Dean an easier access.

Dean lets his mouth brush against Cas' ear, orders, "Take off your clothes.  _Now."_

Castiel nods with a pant and in a split second they're both naked, skin pressed against skin and well, _fuck._

"Jesus Cas," Dean stutters, nearly losing it.

"Language Dean," Castiel lectures but Dean knows there's not much conviction behind it, especially when Cas is naked on his lap, head tilting back brazenly so Dean can go back to Cas' neck.

"Sorry," Dean murmurs automatically, kissing Cas' neck teasingly, as his hands roam around Cas' chest and stomach, one hand lingering lower until his hand wraps around Cas' cock, starting a slow rhythm. Castiel lets out a moan, his breath getting even more unsteady, finally managing to gasp out, "Dean, I want you in me, please."

"Oh," Dean breathes out, feeling himself harden more at just the idea of being inside Cas again. He slows his pace of stroking before stopping altogether, fingers grazing against Cas' ribs, "Then we kind of need to move because we need lube."

"We do?" Castiel gasps, shivering under Dean's touch.

"It'll hurt without it and I don't want to hurt you baby," Dean murmurs, makes a small trail of kisses on Cas' bare shoulder. With a blink and midway to another kiss, Cas disappears on him, reappearing a few seconds later with a bottle of lube in his hands.

"Fuck, Cas," Dean says, taking the lube from Cas' hands and quickly coating his fingers because he is really fucking impatient now because he has a naked Cas on his lap who wants this and fuck, Dean wants it too.

"Now show me how sorry you are," Castiel orders, shifting further forward on Dean's lap to give Dean easier access, ass lifting slightly in the air.

"You're really hungry for it today aren't you?" Dean teases against Cas' ear and before Cas can reply, Dean pushes a finger in, nice and slowly, Castiel's breath stuttering as he pushes down on Dean's lone finger, clearly aching for more. Dean inches forward, kissing Cas' neck again as he curls his free fist around Cas' cock, stroking him slowly as he pushes another finger in. Castiel groans, head tipping back as he tries to push further down onto Dean's fingers. Dean lets his fingers open up Cas, working just from the breathy moans that escapes Cas' mouth, how Cas keeps pressing down for more and more. Dean crooks his fingers and he smirks when Cas' body shudders as soon as Dean tilts his fingers in the right spot.

"You like that huh?" Dean murmurs.

"Yes, Dean please, I want- I want you," Castiel pleads with a pant. Dean smirks, letting his fingers crook against Cas' prostrate again before pulling his fingers out, taking his hand off Cas' cock too. Castiel whimpers, making Dean hurry the process up, one hand gripping onto Cas' hips, fingernails digging in, guiding him to meet Dean's cock that he's holding in his grip, placing it against his entrance, the tip grazing.

"Okay, push down Cas," Dean commands and Castiel listens, slowly sitting down on Dean's cock, Castiel's head tilting back to rest on Dean's shoulder. Dean moans breathlessly into Cas' ear as the muscles tighten around him, the urge to move getting more and more insistent.

"I want you to touch yourself while we do this baby," Dean orders, voice cracking when Castiel lets out another beautiful moan. He lets his other hand hold onto Cas' other hip bone, making slow circles there with his thumbs, watches over Cas' shoulder as Castiel slowly wraps a hand around his own dick. Castiel seems to stutter for a moment, seeming unsure of what to do next but then he lets his hand jerk up and down his length, his thumb going over the slit. And watching this, Dean really needs Cas to fucking move now.

"Cas, I kind of need you to move for me," Dean says with a strained voice. Castiel follows his orders automatically, rocking against Dean's cock slowly. Dean groans at the feeling, fingernails digging into Cas' hips as he urges Cas to go faster, manoeuvring him to a better position for the both of them.

"You always want this don't you baby? Wherever you are, you're wanting this," Dean babbles against Cas' ear, taking a gentle bite of his ear as Cas starts to ride him faster.

"Yes," Castiel moans, his head hitting back against Dean's shoulder with a thud, moving up and down on Dean's dick faster and faster.

"You know why Cas?" Dean groans, fingers nearly slipping off Cas' hips as they both start to sweat. Castiel shudders as a reply and Dean doesn't give him any more time to give a proper reply, slamming Castiel down on his cock fast and hard, both of them moaning, panting breathlessly. Dean lets his mouth find Cas' ear again, whispers commandingly, "It's because you're mine."

Castiel cries out, come spurting out as he screams out, "I-I'm yours Dean."

And yep, Dean is completely gone then, screams Cas' name hoarsely as he comes, his vision going white for a moment, his only sense of stability being his fingers digging into Cas' hips. He rests his forehead against Cas' bare back as he tries to recover and feels like he's pretty much failing, not even able to move an inch, his heart thudding crazily against his chest.

Castiel tilts his head so he can kiss Dean's temple, voice wavering, "I think you showed me how sorry you were."

Dean smiles tiredly against Cas' back, kisses his bare back, still unable to move, his whole body spent as he says quietly, voice thick, "So I'm forgiven?"

"Yes," Castiel smiles easily, hands brushing over Dean's as he lifts from Dean's cock, Dean whimpering at the loss of contact until Castiel sits back down on his thighs. Dean finds the energy to wrap his arms around Cas' waist, pulling him back so there's no space between his chest and Cas' back. Cas lets out a content sigh as Dean holds onto him tightly, trailing light kisses down Cas' neck and shoulders. Castiel's hands find Dean's, resting on them gently as Dean carries on kissing him, sighing, "We should get cleaned up."

"Okay," Castiel replies, not sounding like he likes the idea of getting off Dean's lap either.

"I don't really want to move though," Dean replies honestly, burying his head in Cas' neck and sighing.

"Am I going to need my grace in the next few hours?" Castiel asks, one hand reaching up to brush through Dean's hair.

Dean considers this for a moment before replying, "Nope."

Castiel nods and then their bodies are clean, even the slickness of sweat disappearing. Dean smiles, asking quietly, feeling like it would be an intrusion to louden his voice to anything more than a murmur, "Cas?"

"What?" Castiel asks, his voice matching Dean's quietness, a hand still brushing through Dean's hair soothingly.

"Want to watch some Superman now?" Dean asks, smiling against Cas' neck, "The disc is already in on pause and I was going to play it when you got here but you kinda distracted me."

"Yes, I would like that very much Dean," Castiel replies, turning his head to kiss Dean's temple again. With a smile, Dean reaches for the remote, one arm still placed around Cas' waist and then he gathers the blanket from the back of the couch, pulling it over them both easily. Castiel shifts on Dean's lap as if to get off him but Dean grips onto him tighter, his other arm wrapping around Cas' waist too, pulling him even closer. Castiel leans back with him, smiling at Dean easily as Dean presses play, the title credits blaring out. Dean smiles back and kisses the side of Cas' face, Cas' hand yet again reaching up to stroke through Dean's hair as they both focus on the movie.

"So, what do you think baby?" Dean asks once the ending credits start to blare out.

Castiel turns to gaze at him, a knowing smile playing on his face, "I finally understand the reference."

"Yeah you do," Dean grins, kissing the corner of Cas' mouth, "Still kind of hate my past self for being stupid and calling me _Superman_. I'm nothing like him, I can't fly, I don't have a cape and I most definitely do  _not_ wear tights."

Castiel's mouth quirks upwards, "No, you don't wear tights."

"Hmm," Dean hums, pressing his mouth against Cas' cheek, "So, do you prefer me or the real _Superman_?"

"You," Castiel replies instantly.

"Even though I don't have a fancy cape or tights?" Dean jokes.

Castiel turns his head to kiss Dean softly on the lips, smiling against Dean's mouth, "Especially because of that."

Dean grins, pecking Cas on the mouth once more, "You're an idiot."

Castiel's eyes wrinkle, "And you're _Superman_."

Dean tickles Cas' ribs as a retort, "Shut up."

 

 


	29. Chapter 29

Dean wakes to a hand running through his hair, another hand laced through his own fingers. Blinking, Dean opens his eyes to see that his head is resting on Cas' chest, their linked hands resting next to his face. Dean looks up, Castiel's face lighting up with a small smile when he notices not only that Dean is awake but that he's looking at him.

"Hey," Dean mumbles, squeezing Cas' hand.

Castiel squeezes Dean's hand back as a reply, murmurs, "Hello Dean."

"How long have you been awake?" Dean asks, voice scratchy from sleep.

"A while," Cas admits, "But I didn't want to wake you and-" Castiel flushes, "I like watching you sleep."

"Little creep," Dean jokes, tilting his head up so Cas can kiss him, light and soft for their first kiss of the day. Cas hums contently against Dean's mouth, unravelling his hand from Dean's so he can wrap one of his arms around Dean's waist, the other still in his hair, pulling him in close. Dean kisses Cas again, deeper this time, his mouth then wandering to Cas' jaw, giving him open mouth kisses there and on his neck. Cas lets out a breathy moan, another one when Dean starts to crawl down Cas' torso, leaving trails of kisses down the angel's bare chest, a lick or bite here and there.

"Hey, baby?" Dean murmurs against Cas' hipbone.

"Wh-What?" Cas breathes out, body trembling under Dean's touch.

"You ever heard of the concept 'morning sex'?" Dean asks, looking up to smirk at Cas. And that's when Dean gets flipped over on to his back, Castiel on him like a fucking rash, making Dean realise that he really should have brought the idea of morning sex up sooner.

Once they've both cleaned up, Castiel wearing his usual attire besides the tie and jackets, Dean wearing a t-shirt and jeans, they make their way to the kitchen, Dean being ridiculously handsy with Cas along the way, stopping their trail more than once to wrap his arms around Cas and kiss him. He knows he's acting like a horny teenager but he doesn't really give a fuck, Cas enjoys it and the days that he's got left with Cas are spindling into nothing so Dean is taking every chance he can get to make Cas smile, another memory he can hold onto while he waits for present Dean to get his shit together.

"What do you want for breakfast Cas?" Dean murmurs, arms still wrapped around Castiel, lips mere inches away from Cas'.

Castiel smiles at him easily, "I'm going to make us pancakes."

Dean raises his eyebrows, "Oh, you are, are you?"

"Yes," Castiel replies, taking himself from Dean's arms with a determined expression, grabbing hold of one of Dean's hands and walking the few steps towards the kitchen. Dean watches from the door frame as Cas opens the fridge and carefully takes the pancakes from the packaging, a careful concentration on his face. Not holding back, Dean walks into the kitchen and wraps his arms around Cas' waist, burying his nose in Cas' neck. The angel hums happily as he pushes his back further into Dean's chest, turning his head to kiss Dean's hair.

They wait in an easy silence as the microwave heats their breakfast up, Cas grabbing the syrup from the side, handling it from one hand to the other until the microwave pings that it's ready. Hastily, Castiel opens the door, pouring a dollop of syrup on each of the plates before grabbing two forks from the drawer.

"Dean?" Castiel asks.

"Hmm?" Dean hums, nuzzling his nose against Cas' neck, tightening his hold of Cas' waist.

"As much as I enjoy your affections, we can't eat our pancakes in this position," Castiel tells him. Dean laughs, pecks Cas on the cheek, twice for good measure, before releasing his hold of the angel, ruffling his hair before grabbing his plate of pancakes. Castiel smiles at him bashfully, pecking Dean on the mouth before grabbing his own plate. They lazily make their way to the couch, eating their pancakes with small talk, Dean taking short breaks to kiss Cas on the mouth, on the nose, hair, anywhere he can kiss him. Castiel lets him, a tiny smile on his face, sitting as close to Dean as he can without actually sitting on him.

"I'll clean up," Dean says once they've both finished and they've shared a few lazy kisses, "Seeing as you made them."

"Dean, all I did was put them in a microwave, I'll help clean the dishes," Castiel replies, thumb brushing against Dean's jaw.

"Making me breakfast  _and_ helping me clean the dishes, aren't you treating me well today?" Dean jokes. Castiel only smiles in reply, kissing Dean one last time before standing up, taking Dean's plate from his hands. Dean follows him to the kitchen, grabbing the plates and dropping them in the sink before Castiel stands in front of Dean again, bumping his back against Dean's front. Smiling, Dean wraps his arms around Cas' waist again, resting his chin on Cas' shoulder as he watches over Castiel cleaning up the messy plates, pouring more washing up liquid than necessary into the bowl. The bubbles soon accumulate, rising above the bowl and Dean can't help but start chuckling into Cas' neck.

"Dean?" Castiel asks, Dean still laughing throatily, making Cas ask, sounding slightly miffed, "Dean, why are you laughing?"

"Baby, you put way too much washing up liquid in there for so few plates," Dean remarks with a grin, reaching his hand forward and flicking bubbles at Cas. The angel lets out a surprised squeal, making Dean laugh harder at how undignified Castiel had sounded. The laughing is apparently a bad idea as Castiel scoops up a load of bubbles and then smushes them on Dean's nose, making Dean squeal this time.

"Oh, it's on," Dean sings, holding Castiel tightly around the waist as he scoops up his own handful of bubbles, slathering them over Cas' face and hair. Castiel squirms in his grip, scooping up water, rather than bubbles and splashing it on Dean's face. It's the perfect distraction for Cas to get out of Dean's hold, pulling away from him just in time before Dean grabs another handful of bubbles, throwing them at Cas' chest, getting a scandalised look from the angel. While Cas is looking down distractedly at his now wet shirt, Dean takes the chance and grabs two scoopfuls of water and bubbles and throws them at Cas' way, splashing Cas' face and chest.

Castiel looks up at him with a stunned expression and then he disappears on him. Twirling around, Dean tries to find where Cas has flew off to, shouting, "Hey, that's cheating!"

An arm wraps around Dean's waist from behind, hand pressed against his chest to still him. On what can only be instinct, Dean looks up and startles when he sees that Cas is holding a bucket full of water over his head, tipping just close enough that if it were to be moved anymore, Dean would get completely and utterly soaked.

"Cas," Dean warns.

"Do you surrender?" Castiel mutters softly against Dean's ear, sounding smug, the little shit.

"I surrender!" Dean laughs, "I surrender, you win baby."

"Good," Castiel murmurs, presses a kiss behind Dean's ear before he slowly takes the bucket from hanging over Dean's head, dropping it onto the table.

Dean turns around in Cas' arms, arms wrapping around Cas' neck, "No need to look so smug you dick."

Castiel smiles widely, "I won."

"Yeah you did baby," Dean smiles back, gaze gliding over to the bucket on the table filled with water.

"Don't even think about it," Castiel warns, reading Dean's thoughts.

Dean kisses Cas' nose, wrinkling his own when he tastes soap on his lips, "All I was thinking was how cute you look with bubbles all over your nose."

"Hmm," Castiel hums, nuzzling their wet noses together. Dean smiles contently, kissing Cas on the lips softly, before brushing the back of his hand over Cas' face to wipe away the bubbles before wiping at his own face. Castiel just smiles at him, hair and shirt slightly damp, arms still wrapped around Dean's waist tightly as he just stares contently at Dean. Staring back at Cas, Dean thinks about how this is what it would have been like if they had both survived the apocalypse, if they had decided to finally end their hunting ways and just found a house somewhere and  _lived,_ had a disgustingly domestic, fluffy life where Sam would visit with his wife and cute kids, where Dean and Cas would wake up late, have lazy morning sex, breakfast in bed and water fights. This is what they could have had, this right here.

But they won't have this, they never will. They'll both die and they'll never get this, they'll never get to retire from hunting, never get to have their own house, never get to have the holiday that Dean had promised him. They'll never get anything they want, anything they deserve.

Dean is forced out of his dire thoughts when Castiel leans in and kisses him softly, just a small brush of the lips. Dean relaxes under his touch, gives Cas a small smile back, shutting his eyes and resting their foreheads together. He's noticed that Cas has been doing that a lot, that whenever Dean's mind wanders into things that he doesn't want to think about, Castiel kisses him and pushes him out of his thoughts and back to the present. He's not sure how Cas knows, Dean must get a look on his face or something, but every time without fail, Castiel kisses him and brings him back to reality, back to the present with Cas in front of him.

"Do you want to go watch television?" Castiel asks.

Dean opens his eyes and smiles, trying to ignore the worry that's in the angels eyes, "Yeah, okay."

Castiel nods, kisses Dean again before taking a hold of his hand and taking them both to the couch. Dean lets go off Cas' hand for a moment as he turns the television on, rooting around for the remote, until Castiel coughs pointedly, holding the remote in his hands. Rolling his eyes, Dean plops himself onto the couch, turning so his legs are resting on Cas' lap. Automatically, Cas rests his hands on Dean's legs, flicking through the channels until he finds a random documentary that Dean already knows is going to be horrifically boring. Still, Cas deserves to watch his TV shows for a bit after being forced to watch _Dr Sexy MD_ with Dean so many damn times.

"Dean, can I ask you something?" Castiel asks a little into the show.

"Hmm?" Dean replies, slowly turning his gaze from the television to Castiel's open face, finding himself getting strangely involved with the documentary about bees.

Castiel asks, picking at the hem of Dean's jeans, "How do you know when to help us?"

"Well, I still have my phone where I got all the messages from  _Superman_ ," Dean rolls his eyes at the stupid fucking nickname, "So I look at that for the dates and times for when I need to send texts to my past self. And with the other things, I know because I either was there in the past, like with me saving Sammy from the werewolf, or because other people have told me about it."

"Other people? You mean Chuck?" Castiel questions calmly and Dean only nods in reply, Castiel adding, "And why do you locate yourself here?"

Dean's mood instantly changes because the conversation is turning into dangerous territory that Dean doesn't want to think about, let alone talk about so he turns his gaze back to the television, crossing his arms, replying shortly, "Because this is where I need to be."

"Oh," Castiel mutters, slumping his shoulders, asking quietly, like he's afraid that he's pushing too hard, "So you're not staying here to hide out? Because I was going to say if you were I would take you somewhere safe, somewhere like where I took Chuck"

Dean feels himself relax somewhat and can't help but smile at Cas' offer and turn his gaze back to the angel, "Well that sounds pretty good Cas and I wish you could take me to Hawaii or some shit like that but like I said, I gotta stay here."

"Okay," Castiel smiles back but then he starts to frown, his gaze lowering as his frown hardens, lips pressing against each other as he thinks about what Dean has said. Dean knows that if he were in Cas' position, he'd be frustrated too, would want to know everything, so he can't really blame Cas for trying to get more information off him. If it were the other way around, Dean would be way more persistent with his questions and wouldn't take no for an answer so he can't really be annoyed by Cas wanting to know more.

"Hey, stop working your feathery brain into a twist," Dean jokes, digging his foot into Cas' thigh, bringing Cas out of his thoughts.

"I'm not," Castiel says, posture defensive as he looks at Dean squarely.

"Yeah you are," Dean retorts with a smirk. Castiel frowns at him so Dean sits up, leaning forward to kiss Cas' jaw softly, fingertips dancing across Cas' cheek before he settles back onto the couch again.

"I wouldn't have to think so much if you just told me everything," Castiel murmurs stubbornly, his frown having turned into a pout.

"Not gonna happen," Dean smirks back, trying not to think about  _what_ he's not telling Cas and why.

"You're insufferable," Castiel mutters as he crosses his arms, looking very much like a child who has been refused sweets.

"Yep," Dean agrees with a grin, "That's me."

Castiel turns to him, still pouting, his forehead creased and jesus, an angel of the lord that is thousands of years old should not be allowed to look this adorable, no way, not ever.

Dean sits up again and kisses the corner of Cas' mouth, one hand finding the back of Cas' neck and playing with the hair there as he purrs, "Come on baby, smile for me."

"No," Cas sniffs.

"Oh come on baby, you know you want to," Dean replies as he lets his mouth wander, kissing Cas' jaw and neck, one hand running down Cas' chest and stomach. Dean feels Cas start to relax under his touch so Dean kisses Cas squarely on the mouth, just a quick peck and then another and then another, grinning between each one. Not being able to fight it any longer, Castiel smiles, a small one at first before he attacks Dean's mouth with his own, smiling widely once they release each other.

"Mmm, there it is," Dean smiles, kissing Cas' nose.

"I still think you're insufferable," Castiel replies gruffly.

"Yeah, okay," Dean smirks, kissing Cas one last time on the mouth before kissing his neck, careful not to leave any marks because he knows that the angel is going to see Dean's past self tonight and he's unsure of whether Cas' depleting grace would be able to lose the mark in time. Dean really doesn't want Cas to have to try and explain to Dean's past self where he got a hickey, especially when he knows what state Dean's past self is already going to be in due to Lucifer's fucked up dreams.

Castiel hums happily, an arm wrapping around Dean's waist and pulling him in closer to him. With difficulty, Dean pulls free, smiling at Cas' frown. He kisses Cas' nose again before leaning back to the arm of the couch, "You're missing your bee documentary."

Castiel huffs but his eyes go back to the television screen, hands resting back on Dean's legs before absentmindedly taking one of Dean's feet in both hands, massaging it carefully and thank fuck Dean isn't ticklish or he'd be squirming and screaming like a girl right now. Castiel gives him a quick glance, a silent question as to whether what he's doing is okay and Dean just shuts his eyes and nods with a smile, relaxing deeper into the couch, eyes staying shut as Cas continues to massage his feet delicately.

Dean doesn't realise he's fallen asleep until he wakes up with a jolt, breathing heavy after having  _that_ dream yet again. He sits up blearily, rubbing his eyes, looking around the room when he realises that Cas isn't seated on the couch next to him anymore.

"Cas?" Dean calls out, twisting his body on the couch so his feet are on the floor, blinking at the television screen that's still on the documentary channel but now in mute. Dean's eyes wanders to the coffee table, only just noticing the note. Still slightly blearily, he picks it up and reads it, smiling fondly as he reads Cas' scrawl-

_Dean,_

_I have decided to spend some time on my search for my Father and whoever else who will help us end the apocalypse. I thought now would be the best time as you are asleep so I won't be missing any time with you which is the reason as to why I didn't wake you before I left. I'll be back before sundown, though you should perhaps have dinner without me._

_I will see you tonight (because even though I should perhaps spend nights to further my search as you are asleep, I enjoy spending the nights with you (especially the extra activities involved that happen before and sometimes after sleep)),_

_Castiel_

Dean can't help but chuckle to himself as he re-reads the letter to him. One of the many things he loves about Cas is his brazen honesty, how he isn't ashamed to say what he likes or wants, never having reason to be ashamed and that honesty even transcends through little goodbye notes.

Still holding on to the note, Dean stands up, stretching his aching muscles from where he's slept funny, making his way to the kitchen. Without much thought, he sticks the note on the fridge with a magnet and then shoves a pizza in the over, still smiling to himself at the content of the note, thinking of what 'extra activities' they could get up to tonight. His smile fades when he realises what's going to happen tonight which could kill the mood somewhat. He knows Cas is on his search at the moment but tonight is the night that Cas will see Dean's past self again, that everything will arguably go to shit (again), that it will be the last time Dean's past self and Cas will see each other for a while. Tonight is the night that Dean will have another nightmare with Lucifer, the nightmare of Cas dying in his arms which he'll think  _is_ Cas until he turns into Lucifer, the night that Cas will pull Dean out of the dream and Dean will thank him by screaming at him and running away to pummel his fists into concrete.

Dean knows Cas and he knows that Cas is going to be upset and he knows that sex isn't exactly going to take his mind off it like last time. Dean had treated him horribly at the time, had gave him all these mixed signals that he actually didn't want him around when in reality, Dean had wanted him to never leave. Castiel doesn't know what Dean had dreamt, what Lucifer had made him see and Cas certainly doesn't know that Dean will leave that motel room sobbing and hating himself all the more. All the angel will know is that Dean shouted at him and made him feel like utter shit.

Sighing, Dean pulls the pizza out and throws it onto the plate, wishing everything could be simpler, wishes he could change it all and make it so Cas wouldn't appear here tonight upset. Even now, Dean worries that this time, Cas is going to get so pissed at Dean's past self that he'll put that anger on this Dean too and won't want to be with him, won't be able to look him in the eye, let alone  _be_ with him like that. And if that happens, it's going to break Dean because he's hardly got any days left and he can't lose those days with Cas, he  _can't._

He eats his pizza in contemplative silence, hardly paying attention to the television as he finds he can't even stomach half of it, worry building and building as he waits for Cas to come back to him. To give him something to do, he cleans the few dishes which is kind of a bad idea because it reminds him of the water come bubble fight they had had in the morning and fuck, what if they never get to do something like that again? What if Cas doesn't even come back at all? That the next time he sees him will be in that damn warehouse where Dean will die in front of him?

Shaking his head as if to try and disengage his thoughts, he goes back to the couch and lies down, trying to pay attention to the television and shut out wherever his mind tries to take him. He turns the volume up loud, eager to stay awake and be ready for when (if?) Cas comes back because he'll need to be there for him, to make it okay again.

Again, he doesn't realise he's drifted off until he wakes when the couch sinks further, a warm body pressing against him. Hazily, Dean wraps an arm around Cas, pulling his back closer to Dean's chest, noticing that Cas had turned the television off when he had arrived, the room dark around them.

"I did try and stay awake for you but I guess I kinda failed," Dean admits, mentally cursing himself for falling asleep when he had so badly needed to stay awake for when Cas would arrive. Still, at least Cas has come back, even after how he's just been treated by Dean's past self, he had still came back for Dean, had chosen to be with Dean.

"Its fine Dean," Castiel mumbles, making Dean's heart lurch at how sad he sounds, how  _tired._

"You okay?" Dean asks softly, afraid to hear the answer, to hear how much his past self has upset him.

"I'm just fatigued," Castiel replies, voice quiet.

"Okay Cas," Dean answers back, tightening his hold of the angel. He knows that Cas isn't just fatigued, that it's not because of that at all. Still, he doesn't push because he knows that Cas probably won't want to talk about it, least of all with the same guy that had upset him in the first place.

Castiel sighs and asks tiredly, "Can we perhaps just lie here instead of having intercourse?"

Dean can't help but laugh at that, mouth pressed against Cas' neck as he chuckles, "Sure we can Cas."

Castiel takes a slow breath out before asking, voice still quiet, "Can we have sex tomorrow morning instead?"

"I'll never say no to morning sex Cas," Dean smiles, nuzzling his nose against Cas' hair after he kisses him there, letting his legs tangle with Castiel's messily.

Castiel relaxes more into Dean, murmurs, "Okay, good."

Dean holds onto Cas tighter, wishing he could make Cas happy again, stop him from sounding so sad. He hates hearing Cas like this, it reminds him too much of the future where Cas had been completely broken which had also been because of Dean. Every time that Cas is upset, every time he's like this, it's because of Dean. Whether it be because of Dean's past self or what he'll do in the future, it's  _always_  because of Dean.

"I'm sorry you know," Dean says softly because he needs to apologise, to show Cas how sorry he is. Desperately, he needs to be forgiven before he walks into that warehouse. He needs Cas to  _know_  how sorry he is, how he wishes he could change it all so Cas could be happy because Cas deserves it more than anyone.

Castiel stiffens, "What?"

Dean forces him to carry on with his apology because Cas needs to hear this, "For all the shit things I've said and done to you in the past. I didn't mean any of it and if I could go back and take it all back I would because I meant  _none_ of it Cas and you should know that."

Castiel relaxes again, whispers, "Thank you."

"You've done so many things for me Cas, even more than you know and I guess I want to say thanks as well as sorry," Dean protectively tightening his hold of the angel, burying himself to the back of Cas' neck, trying his hardest for his voice not to waver, for himself not to cry because Cas can't see him like that. It's hard not to cry though, especially when Cas grasps onto Dean's hand and brings it to his lips before dropping it back against his waist. Because this is his angel in his arms that he loves with everything, the angel that he's going to have to say goodbye to in a few days, the angel that he's most likely never going to see again after that, will have to spend the rest of eternity in Heaven without him.

"Can I ask you something?" Dean asks softly.

"Anything," Castiel replies back instantly without a thought, always so open, always there for Dean no matter what.

"When you said you'd handle the archangels and you dropped me off to stop Lilith, did you know that you'd die?" Dean asks because this is the only way he can get to the conversation he craves because he can't ask the question he really wants to outright, he has to be clever about this. And this is the way to get around to that question, for him to find out what happens to angels when they die because he needs to know. Before he walks into that warehouse and sacrifices himself, he needs to know that Cas is okay wherever he is, that he's safe and happy wherever angels go once they die.

"I knew it was more than likely," Castiel admits.

"Shit, Cas," Dean blurts out, feeling even more unworthy of Cas because the angel had sacrificed himself before they had even gotten together, had put himself in the firing line just so Dean had had the chance to stop the apocalypse and he'd gone and failed anyway.

"I did what was necessary," Castiel replies, sounding like it's not a big deal when it  _is._

"You did way more than necessary Cas, way _way_ more," Dean mutters, his throat thickening as he asks the next question, "When- When Raphael killed you, where did you go, when you were- when you were dead?"

"I don't know. I remember being killed and the next thing I remember was waking up in a park with an eighty year old man named Samuel asking me if I was okay," Castiel replies thoughtfully.

"So you don't know what happens to angels when they die?" Dean asks, trying not to push too hard because Cas can't see how desperate he is to know else he'll start asking questions that Dean can't answer.

"No, I've never really thought about it before," Castiel replies.

"Never thought about it, how can you have not thought about it?" Dean retorts because how can you have never thought about death? Even those that live cushy lives must have thoughts about death and where they'll go when they die at some point. So how could Cas, having walked to his death one time already, have never thought about it?

"Angels see life and death differently to humans. Before the seals and the apocalypse, angels didn't die very often; it was unheard of so there was no need to think about it."

"Oh," Dean says quietly, feeling shit for asking the question now because Cas is thousands of years old, had lived in Heaven with all his family for all that time, never having to worry about death and then Dean comes along and basically fucks his entire life up, makes it so he doesn't have a family up in Heaven anymore, makes it so he  _has_  to think about death.

"So you have no idea where angels go when they die?" Dean asks quietly, trying his best to gulp down the lump in his throat.

"No," Castiel sighs tiredly, "Perhaps we just cease to exist."

"Maybe you have your own angel Heaven thing going on?" Dean tries his best to joke but underneath the layers he's serious, because angels can't just stop existing. Surely, God wouldn't want his soldiers, his  _children_ to stop existing. And Dean still hasn't forgotten the prayer he had sent God's way, the promise he'd asked him to keep, that as long as he made sure Cas and Sam would be okay in the end, Dean would do anything he wanted. And being okay for Cas means that he needs to be okay wherever he goes after death and Dean refuses to believe that death equals nothingness, that Cas will just stop existing, that there'll be nothing for him, no reward after everything that he's done.

"Maybe," Castiel replies fondly, like he's just playing along with Dean to make Dean feel better.

"What's Heaven actually like? Is it different for humans and angels?" Dean asks, changing the subject because he doesn't want to think about Cas dying anymore. And as much as he wants to know about where angels go after death, he also wants to know about where he himself will go once he's died. He wants to know, if he were to go to Heaven (and he'll be pissed if he doesn't because he fucking saved the world) he wants to know what it'll be like, especially seeing as he'll be there for eternity.

"Yes, for angels it's... Home," Castiel says quietly, his voice awe-like and again, Dean feels bad for bringing it up, for reminding Cas that Heaven isn't his home anymore, that he can't go back to what had been his home for centuries and centuries.

Dean kisses the back of his head in what he hopes Cas sees as Dean apologising before he asks, "And for humans?"

"For humans Heaven is whatever they want it to be," Castiel says simply.

"So if I wanted it to be a cloud full of naked women it would be that?" Dean jokes.

"Dean!" Castiel admonishes, nudging Dean.

"Joking Cas," Dean states, shifting slightly so he can kiss Cas' neck. He stays there until Castiel turns his head to meet his mouth, kissing him softly on the lips before asking quietly, "So if I went to Heaven, I could make it what I want?"

" _When_ , not if," Castiel replies strongly with a frown, "And yes."

"So I could see all my family again, my mom and dad? And Sam when he dies?" Dean asks quietly because he doesn't know how Heaven works, what if you're stuck up there alone for the rest of eternity? What if Dean never gets to see Sam again, like he had promised?

"Yes, you would get to see them all," Castiel replies, squeezing Dean's hand before letting his thumb make little circular motions on Dean's hand in comfort. Dean shuts his eyes for a moments and sighs in relief because he's going to get to see Sammy again, he's going to see him way way down the line when he dies of old age with grandkids and great grandkids. And he'll get to see his dad and his mom, he'll finally be able to see her again, to be in her arms, to finally make new memories with his mother. And it all sounds so perfect, too good to be true but there would only be one thing, no, one person, missing that would ruin it all.

"What about you, would you be there?" Dean asks, throat tight.

"You would want me there?" Castiel says slowly, almost like he can't believe that that's what Dean wants.

"Course I would," Dean replies, kissing Cas' hair again, "Would it actually be you or some weird carbon copy that Heaven conjures up for me?"

Castiel stays silent for a moment before saying, "If I were allowed to be back in Heaven without being executed then yes, it would be me, not a copy. And I would stay with you in your Heaven for as long as you would want me."

"So forever then?" Dean asks, nuzzling Cas' neck and trying to ignore the fact that what Cas has said is impossible, because Cas is already dead, died before he could even be okay'd with Heaven and his family and he won't be able to come see Dean in Heaven, it's an impossible idea that Dean so desperately wants to cling onto.

"Forever," Castiel agrees quietly.

"Good," Dean whispers and Dean so badly wants it to happen, wishes he could change things so Dean is the only one to die so Cas could join him in Heaven as an angel, living happily ever after like they fucking deserve. Dean would get to introduce Cas to his mom (and to his dad but he's not sure how  _that_ introduction would go down), could make their Heaven a continuous holiday of beaches and carnivals and anything else Cas wanted. He so badly wants it to be real, wants it to be a possibility for the both of them, so much so that he even concocts an idea into his head that could make it work, "I think that your dad will make it so you can be in my heaven anyway. I mean, you're obviously one of his favourites, he brought you back to life and everything and he obviously loves me because I'm the chosen one or some shit who kills Lucifer so I think even if you wasn't allowed to come back to Heaven or if you- you died then God would make it so you'd be in my Heaven with me."

"I'm not one of his favourites," Castiel says instantly, sounding bemused at the thought.

"Sure you are," Dean argues because Cas  _has_ to be, after everything he's done, after everything he has sacrificed, he  _has_ to be and that means Dean's sleep ridden idea based on desperation could happen, Cas could be waiting for him up in Heaven,  _his_ Cas, "If God has good taste then you're definitely his favourite and don't even bother arguing with me because I'm always right so there."

"You are most definitely not always right," Castiel mutters under his breath.

"Hey, I heard that you dick," Dean retorts, not finding the energy to think about this conversation anymore, not when he knows his ideas aren't going to come true. He knows that God really doesn't give a shit and he won't bend the rules, not even for the guys that fucking stopped the apocalypse because God simply doesn't care, not enough to make it so Cas is happy, not even after death.

Instead of thinking too deeply into his thoughts he focuses on the here and now, of the angel currently bundled in his arms, the angel he doesn't have very long left with anymore, the angel who is going to be broken in a few days and not laugh for a very long time because of Dean walking into that damn warehouse.

Dean lets his fingers teasingly tickle Cas' ribs, wanting to make Cas laugh as much as possible before his days are up, Castiel choking out a laugh as he tries to squirm out of Dean's hold. The fight ends up with Dean straddling Cas' hips, mercilessly tickling Cas' sides and armpits as he shouts for Cas to admit that Dean is, in fact, always right. It doesn't take long for Cas to repeat it back to him breathlessly, cheeks red. As a reward Dean links their hands together before kissing Cas on the mouth, biting down on Cas' bottom lip gently.

"Want to go to bed?" Dean asks with a teasing smirk, "To sleep, not have 'intercourse'."

Still with red cheeks, Castiel smiles, "Yes, let's go to bed."

Dean nods before climbing off Cas, pulling Cas up with him before leading them to the bedroom, only letting go of his hand for them both to strip to their boxers. Dean gets into bed first, watching patiently as Castiel struggles out of his shirt, bottom lip held by his teeth as he frowns. When Cas is finally finished with stripping off, he crawls into Dean's arms and buries himself in Dean's neck, sighing happily, though tiredly, there.

"Remember, you promised me morning sex," Dean murmurs against Cas' ear.

"I won't disappoint," Castiel promises, kissing Dean on the neck gently, "Now, go to sleep."

"Okay, night Cas," Dean mumbles.

 


	30. Chapter 30

The day before Dean has to walk into that warehouse tumbles out of nowhere. It's Dean's fault that it comes to him like a terrible surprise birthday party. He's been trying so hard, so terribly hard, to not count down the days, to try and focus on the here and now with Cas, to try and make every second with Cas count in the knowledge that soon he'll have no seconds left. It had worked well, focusing on the present, on the kisses, the gentle touches that sometimes stem to sex, the easy conversation they have while lounging on the sofa. Thoughts rarely migrated to the future, of what he would have to do. Dean would be lying in saying he didn't think of the past over those few days, didn't still have nightmares or have flashbacks to something he and Cas had done in the past, in Cas' future, but Cas had always been there to help him through it, to kiss the thoughts away even though the angel didn't know what he had been forcing out of Dean's memory. Ultimately, things had been easy, a perfect last few days with the angel he doesn't want to say goodbye to.

All in all, it's Dean fault when he looks at the calendar and realises that the next day will be his last full day with Cas, that in two day’s time he'll have to say goodbye to Cas, how he'll have to die in front of the angel he loves and ultimately break him. It shouldn't have been a shock really, he should have known that his days had been dwindling, hell, this is why he had come to the past in the first place, so he could save Cas' life so he needs to man up and deal with it. And by dealing with it, he means promising himself the night before as he drifts off to sleep that he'll make sure that his last day with Cas is perfect, a great memory he can hold onto when he goes to Heaven and a good memory for Cas to hold onto until he and Dean's past self get together.

The morning starts off like any other morning between them, Cas buried in his chest with his arm lazily wrapped around Dean's torso, Dean's one hand splayed on Cas' lower back, the other curled around the back of Cas' head, gliding through the hair slowly as Dean starts to stir. It doesn't take long before Cas' eyelashes start to flutter as he looks up at Dean lazily.

"Mm," Dean smiles, kissing Cas on the forehead, "Morning."

"Good morning Dean," Castiel smiles easily, hands drifting up and down Dean's back, making Dean's skin prickle.

"How about I make us breakfast in bed?" Dean mumbles, vaguely thinking about how he'd started his other last day with future Cas exactly the same way. Guess Dean is predictable.

Castiel nods, shuffling up to catch Dean's lips against his own, "I would like that."

Dean grins, lazily kissing Cas a few times before disentangling himself from the angel, "Don't move baby."

"Okay," Castiel nods fondly, stretching himself on the bed like a freaking cat. Dean only shakes his head with a laugh before throwing on a pair of boxers, not bothering to wear anything else. Castiel huffs, crossing his arms as he sits up on the bed, hair askew.

Dean lifts an eyebrow, "What?"

Castiel grumbles, cheeks reddening, "I was enjoying the view Dean."

"Oh yeah?" Dean grins, seeing where this is going already, his own words being relayed back to him, but he plays along all the same, "The view of what baby?"

"Of you being naked," Castiel says shortly.

"Idiot," Dean chuckles, leaning down to kiss Cas on the forehead, ruffling his hair affectionately, "But you're my idiot."

Cas huffs out a laugh, curling a hand around the back of Dean's neck and pulling him in for a slow, lingering kiss. After they've broken free of each other, Dean pecks him one last time before leaning out of Cas' hold, "I'll be back baby."

"Sooner rather than later please," Castiel says before lying back down on the pillows with a lazy smile. Quickly, Dean makes his way to the kitchen, deciding to make waffles today instead of their usual pancakes, something to make the day special but not in a way that Cas will start asking questions. As he waits for them to cook, he realises that he doesn't need to make an extra effort today, doesn't need to try and make it perfect because it's their last day. Dean just needs to do what he would normally do around Cas, just be himself around him. They've arguably already had their special last day, their day on the beach. This time, the fact that Dean will make it like it's any other day with Cas  _will_  be the reason it's special, because even when they're lounging on a couch together lazily watching television in each other’s arms, it's perfect.

He finds a tray underneath the sink and places the waffles and orange juice on there, carefully making his way back to the bedroom, Castiel in the exact position where he had left him.

"Breakfast time baby," Dean sings. Castiel's eyes shift open, smiling idly as he sits up so he can lean back on the headboard, taking the tray from Dean's hands and placing it on his lap. Dean slides next to him on the bed, wrapping an arm around Cas' shoulder before taking a bite of waffle.

"Thank you for making me breakfast Dean," Cas kisses his cheek before taking a bite of his own.

"You're welcome," Dean smiles, feeling himself warm at just the fact that he's near Cas.

They eat in silence for a while before Castiel murmurs, "After breakfast I should probably go back to my search."

Dean stills, his arm unconsciously pulling Cas closer to him. He doesn't want Cas to leave him, not today, not even for a minute. He just wants this one day, their last day to be them together, with no thoughts of God or of the apocalypse. Dean clears his throat before brushing his nose against Cas' jaw, "Take a day off."

"What?" Castiel asks, turning his head so their eyes are linked, Cas' eyebrows furrowing slightly.

"I said take a day off," Dean says, kissing the corner of Cas' mouth, "Have a lazy selfish day with me."

"Dean," Castiel frowns, though he doesn't look like he wants to argue Dean's idea, actually looking rather the opposite.

"Come on Cas, just one day," Dean smiles, brushing his free hand across Cas' jaw, "Nothing’s going to happen if you take one day off baby, I promise."

Castiel's mouth quirks upwards, "A lazy selfish day?"

"Yeah," Dean grins, brushing their noses together, "How do you fancy it Cas?"

Cas kisses him shortly on the mouth, "Let's have a lazy selfish day."

Dean grins wider, kissing Cas on the nose, "Okay."

Cas leans in closer to kiss him before asking with slight confusion, "What does a lazy selfish day actually entail of?"

"Basically, you stay in bed till the afternoon then slowly make your way to the couch and watch tv and movies all day. And you only vacate from the bed or sofa for bathroom breaks or for food, those are the rules Cas."

Castiel nods seriously, like this is the most important lesson he will ever have to learn, his fingers tracing gentle circles on Dean's spine, up and down Dean's bare back. Suppressing a shiver (which is really fucking hard to do when Cas knows what he's fucking doing), Dean gives Cas a gentle kiss, not being able to stop himself from smiling against Cas' mouth, smiling wider when Cas wraps his arms lazily around Dean's neck. Not being able to stop himself, Dean deepens the kiss, Cas' grip tightening, one hand migrating to tug on Dean's hair.

"Hey baby?" Dean asks breathlessly, breaking free of Cas' mouth after several minutes of fucking perfect making out.

"What?" Castiel pants, eyes wide and lips flushed red.

"You know what the first rule of having a lazy day is?"

Castiel's eyes widen more, until his gaze lowers to Dean's mouth, eyes becoming half lidded as his hand falls to Dean's lower back, breath still heavy.

Dean smirks, leans forward to rest his mouth against Cas' ear, "Lazy morning sex."

He feels Cas' grin rather than sees it as Cas' arms pull him closer until Dean has no choice to fall heavily onto Cas, laughing into Cas' neck as they collapse onto the bed, fingers clumsily dragging over each other’s skin as they take their time with it because that's what it feels like even though Dean knows it's not true, but lying there with Cas as they both laugh into each other’s mouths through pure happiness alone, makes it seem like they have all the time in the world.

It isn't until a few hours later when Dean's stomach starts to rumble that he decides that they should perhaps move to the couch, mainly because it's closer to the kitchen and food so Dean won't have to leave Cas' side for as long. Getting Cas to get out of bed, however, proves to be more difficult than it used to be, reminding Dean of how hard it had been to get Cas out of bed in the future, how Dean would have to pry him out of the covers with kisses and promises of more if he would just get out of the fucking bed. This time, Dean kisses Cas once more before skirting out of bed, throwing on a t-shirt and sweats and leaving Cas to it. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't take long until Cas follows, dressed like normal besides his tie, jackets and shoes, though his hair is matted, sticking out around his head.

"Baby, a lazy day means wearing sweats or pyjamas, not a suit," Dean frowns.

Castiel sighs but takes a hold of Dean's extended hand and falls next to him on the couch, "I don't have sweats or pyjamas."

"You could have worn some of mine," Dean offers, lifting their linked hands to his lips and kissing Cas' hand.

Castiel smiles, a faint quirk of the lips as he burrows next to Dean's side, nuzzling his nose against Dean's neck before resting his head on Dean's shoulder, "Perhaps next time."

"Yeah," Dean whispers, wrapping an arm around Cas' shoulder and pulling him in even closer, resting his chin on the top of Cas' head and swallowing down the thoughts he doesn't want to think about.

"Dean, aren't you going to put the television on?" Castiel asks lightly.

"Oh, right," Dean mumbles and then gets an idea, "Hey, before we do, can I do something?"

"What?" Castiel asks with a head tilt.

Dean rummages around the couch before finding his phone, flicking it on before looking back to Cas, feeling oddly nervous about asking this, "Can I take a picture of us?"

Castiel's eyebrows lift in surprise, "Oh," his face recovers into a warm smile, "Yes, I would like that."

Dean smiles back at him before fiddling with his phone until he gets to the camera, turning it to face them. Dean lets off an easy grin, one arm still wrapped around Cas' shoulder, holding him close to his side so their faces are nearly pressed together as he presses the capture button. It isn't until there's a faint click and flash that Dean looks at Cas, rolling his eyes when he sees Cas staring at the phone with a deadpan look, chin tilting upwards.

"Baby, you're supposed to smile," Dean murmurs against Cas' cheek.

"Oh," Castiel gives him an apologetic smile, "Take another one."

"Okay," Dean smiles against Cas' cheek, pecking him lightly there so Cas will give an honest smile and then Dean takes a picture, turning the phone to face him so he can see how it's turned out. It's a good picture of them, an honest one, Dean's nose pressed against the side of Cas' face, his lips turned into an easy grin, Cas smiling softly, head tilted to meet Dean's as he looks up at the camera. They look happy, content, and it makes Dean wish that he had took more pictures with Cas in the past. But it's too late for wishing stuff like that now, he can only focus on the present.

"Is that sufficient?" Castiel asks, resting his chin on Dean's shoulder.

"Yeah," Dean exhales, dropping the phone to the table before grabbing the remote that's stuffed underneath the cushion, flicking the television on and passing the remote to Cas, "You choose what you want."

"Okay," Castiel says, taking the remote and flicking from channel to channel before settling on yet another documentary. Dean's almost sad that it's not a religious one, last night had been hilarious as Cas had grumbled throughout the whole show saying that their 'supposed documentary' was all wrong. Cas' running commentary throughout it had made Dean forget about the whole apocalypse, Lucifer, God shit and just laugh into Cas' hair as he had gotten more and more irate throughout the show.

This documentary is about some shit that Dean doesn't really care about so he kisses the top of Cas' head before unravelling himself from Cas, winking at Cas' indignant expression before going to the kitchen, taking the pizza he had put in earlier out of the oven, humming to himself as he drops it onto a tray, cutting it into slices.

Cas' face lights up when Dean reappears with the pizza and some drinks for them, taking a slice off the tray before Dean has even sat down, taking a small nibble as his gaze goes back to the documentary. Dean shakes his head in amusement and kisses the side of Cas' head before sitting down next to him, curling an arm easily around Cas' waist, tugging him in close. Still with his gaze on the television screen, Castiel lifts his feet to the couch before sliding closer to Dean, feet resting on Dean's thighs as he rests his head on Dean's shoulder again. With a mouthful of food, Dean can't kiss Cas' hair so he settles on bringing his hand up to Cas' head, sifting through his hair absentmindedly as he carries on eating the pizza, finding himself watching Cas more than the television.

Once they've eaten the majority of the pizza, they lounge further onto the couch, Cas collapsing further into Dean, snuggling into Dean's chest. They don't really move from the spot all day, Dean sighing dramatically every time he has to leave the couch to go to the bathroom or to get more snacks, Cas mirroring his sigh and pouting every time too. But the leaving is worth it to see Cas' face light up to a grin when he comes back, wrapping his arms around Cas and pulling him in closer and closer every time, Dean's mouth trailing Cas' neck and jaw, often kissing his hair too or at least running a hand through it. It's easy, comfortable and without realising it, everything Dean wanted his last day to be, minus the fact that Sam isn't there but he can't focus on that, he's already said goodbye to his brother and he'll see him again. He won't see Cas again. And this is the perfect way to say goodbye, by doing exactly what they normally do, by just having a day wrapped in each other’s arms and giving each other lazy kisses whenever they feel the need.

It isn't until the sky starts to darken outside that Dean realises that their last day is starting to leave them, that soon it will be tomorrow and Dean is going to have to walk into that warehouse and come face to face with his own death and Cas' murderer.

Dean looks down at his hands, more importantly on the ring on his finger. He'd been waiting for the three words off Cas but it's the day before and he knows he's not going to get them and sure, it hurts like hell knowing that he's never going to hear those words come from Cas' mouth again but all in all, he's okay with it. He can't expect this Cas to already feel that way and he's not going to punish him for it. He still wants Cas to have his ring, still wants him to wear it around his neck and then clasp it around his finger, for him to have a part of Dean with him.

Dean shuts the television off, turning the ring around his finger, as he says quietly, "Hey Cas?"

Castiel turns to him with a frown, his arms wrapped around Dean's waist tightening as Castiel looks at him curiously, "Yes Dean?"

Dean bites his lip, not sure why he's so nervous about this, he knows that Cas will accept the gift, will love the gift enough to want to wear it all the time so why the hell is Dean so worried as to what Cas' reaction will be?

"I want to give you something," Dean replies, smiling shyly as his cheeks tint pink like he's a freaking girl or something.

"What?" Castiel asks, his eyes flickering down to Dean's mouth and back up to his eyes as he licks his lips.

Dean decides to stop faffing about and simply says "Here," hurriedly taking Cas' hand in his and opening it up, palm facing upwards. Quickly, he pulls off his ring and places it in the centre of the angel's palm.

"Dean?" Castiel asks, eyes wide as he stares at the ring in his hand and Dean shouldn't have worried that Cas wouldn't see the importance of it all, the angel clearly gets it, clearly understands how important this is to Dean, to both of them.

"I want you to have it Cas," Dean says, smiling now as he gages Cas' reaction.

Cas still doesn't take his eyes off the ring as he shakes his head, replies quietly, "I can't."

"Yes you can," Dean replies shortly, leaning forward to kiss Cas' shocked mouth, "I want you to have it so you're having it okay?"

Castiel finally looks up at Dean and stutters, slightly awe-like, "O-Okay."

Dean can't stop himself from leaning in again and kissing him, soft this time as his hands rest at the back of Cas' neck, both of them leaning forward to each other as if they were magnets not being able to stop themselves and when Dean rests his forehead against Cas', simply breathing into each other’s mouths, Dean supposes they are. Through everything, Dean and Cas had somehow found each other. Sometimes, they had lost each other through miscommunication, through their own fucking stupidity but somehow, they always found their way back to each other, to each other’s hold. They were each other’s magnets.

Before he can be incredibly sappy and say this aloud (and dammit, it's their last day together, Dean can be as soppy as he fucking wants to, to the love of his fucking life), Cas interrupts him, saying with a disheartened voice, "I won't be able to wear it, Sam and past you will see it."

Dean smiles, finally finding out that he had indeed been the one to give Cas the necklace chain. Even as he had bought it, he'd wondered that perhaps Cas had gotten it himself, that he'd worn it on his hand until Dean had died and he'd been sent back to an oblivious present Sam and Dean.

"Hold on a sec," Dean says after he kisses the corner of Cas' mouth, standing up when Castiel lets him go, still looking slightly in awe at how their evening has ended up.

It isn't until Dean leaves the room that Cas calls out his name cautiously. Dean doesn't answer, too busy with finding the chain at the back of the drawer, quickly lifting it to the light to admire it before walking back to Cas. Castiel only blinks at him when he takes the ring from his palm, Dean linking it onto the chain with a little difficulty seeing as the chain is so fucking thin and spindly. When he's finally accomplished it, he leans down to Cas' level but the angel has other ideas as he takes a hold of Dean's hips and tugs on him until Dean falls onto his lap, his legs either side of Cas'. Dean smirks, quickly pecking his lips against Cas'.

"Here," Dean smiles as he wires the necklace around Cas' neck. The smile quickly turns into a frown as he tries to fix the clasp, letting out a few swear words at how fucking fiddly the thing is. It's not like Dean has had experience in giving his partner a necklace or any other present if he's honest. It's yet another soppy thing that Cas has brought out of him, another thing that Sam would probably make fun of him for if he were in the room to witness it.

"Now you can wear it all the time," Dean smiles easily, dropping his hands and resting them against Cas' chest. Castiel's eyes drop to look at the necklace now around his neck, his hand reaching up to grasp the ring settled on the chain. Cas looks up again and stares at Dean for a moment, almost like he's forgotten how to use words. Dean watches him patiently, still smiling as Cas continues to hold onto the ring.

"Thank you Dean, I love it," Castiel says, ever the one to make it simple, to just say what he needs to say and not over-complicate it. The angel swallows, the smile dropping as he says seriously, "I love  _you_."

For a very short moment, Dean forgets how to speak, forgets to even fucking breathe because this right here is what he had wanted so badly, for the angel that he loves with  _everything,_ to say it back, to hear those three simple words before he walks to his death, before he never sees the angel again.

Without even realising it, his face is suddenly buried in Cas' neck, his arms wrapped tightly around Cas, holding on like a fucking octopus and never wanting to let to go because his angel loves him, even now, had probably loved him for as long as Dean had loved him, if not maybe even more. And he's going to have to say goodbye to him, is going to have to  _leave_ him and  _no,_ he can't think about that, not now, he needs to focus on Cas, on the here and now and more importantly, he needs to fucking say those three words back before Cas suspects that he doesn't feel it back.

"Love you Cas, so much," Dean chokes into Cas' neck, trying his best to hold down the tears that are threatening to escape and while he doesn't think Cas would question it that much, not at a moment like this, Dean knows if he lets himself even shed one tear, the whole fucking floodgates will go and he'll be sobbing into Cas' neck all the night without being able to stop himself and he really doesn't want the night to go that way, not their last one. He's not letting any tears fall tonight, not one.

Castiel's fingers glide through Dean's hair, the other arm tight around Dean's waist as he murmurs, "I love you."

"You just said that baby," Dean laughs into Cas' neck, pure happiness rippling through him, knowing that if Cas were to say those words a million times they would never get old, Dean would never get sick of them.

"I know but I wanted to say it again," Castiel whispers.

Dean shuts his eyes in the glow, kissing Cas lightly on the neck, not quite ready to pull away from Cas' hold. The angel only sighs in contentment back, hand still brushing through Dean's hair gently. Buried in Cas' neck, Dean can think about things, certain thoughts and ideas he's entertained but never said aloud, not yet anyway. And he realises that it's now or never with those ideas, that this is his last chance to put those thoughts into words.

"Can you do something for me?" Dean asks quietly, voice muffled against Cas' neck.

Castiel doesn't even think about it, replies instantly, "Anything."

With his eyes twinkling in amusement, he pulls away to look Cas in the eyes, "You know, you really shouldn't say that. What if I asked you to go and flash the president or something?"

Cas tilts his head, looking like a confused owl, "You wouldn't ask me to do that."

"No, I wouldn't," Dean smiles, "But still, you shouldn't say yes to something when you don't know what you're being asked of."

Castiel tilts his head, "Dean, stop stalling and tell me what you want me to do."

Dean opens his mouth to protest his stalling but of course Cas knows him, even now he knows when Dean is talking about random shit so he doesn't have to say what he actually wants. Dean bites his lip, wondering how the hell you're supposed to say something like this out loud. It's times like this he wishes he had Cas' brazen honesty, it's definitely something that Dean would really really like right about now. Dean reburies himself in Cas' neck, feeling his cheeks redden at just the thought of this conversation. He doesn't even know why he's no nervous about asking it aloud, this is Cas who has never judged him, not even his torturing past so it's not like he's going to judge him for this for fucks sake.

"Dean?" Castiel asks, sounding a balance of bemusement and pure confusion. Dean mutters his request against Cas' neck as quietly as possible, mentally cursing himself for being such a chicken.

"Dean, what do you want?" Castiel asks carefully, no longer sounding bemused at the conversation, hand softly running through Dean's hair as if to soothe him.

Dean stays in Cas' neck and says, louder this time, but barely a mutter, "Want to feel you inside me Cas."

Castiel's hand stills, his whole body going tight before he says, unsure, "But I've never done that before."

"I trust you Cas," Dean whispers and he does. He trusts Cas with everything, trusts him with his life, with Bobby's, hell even with Sam's. And he damn sure trusts him with his body, especially seeing as the guy did remake him after his hell stint. There's no one else that Dean would trust like this and he honestly never thought he would ever find someone that he could trust so much but Cas had come along and proven him wrong in this and in so many other things too.

Castiel asks quietly, "You do?"

Dean leans out of Cas' neck and looks at Cas squarely in the eye as he says calmly and truthfully, "Yes."

Castiel watches him for a moment, gaze lingering across Dean's face before he nods and reaches forward to kiss Dean, softly and carefully. Willingly, Dean lets him, deepening the kiss with the angel when he wants more, wrapping his arms around Cas' neck to pull them closer against each other. It's not long before the kisses turn messy and fevered, both wanting more as their tongues hit against each other, battling for dominance. Cas' hand migrates down from Dean's hair and lower back, not stopping until they've slid under Dean's ass, pulling him close to his body before he lifts them both of the couch. Automatically, Dean wraps his legs around Cas' torso, not stopping the kiss for a minute.

The kissing carries on as Cas walks them to the bedroom, their mouths only breaking free when the angel drops Dean onto the bed but even then the moment doesn't last long as Dean grabs a hold of Cas' shirt and pulls him on top of him and then they're back to kissing again, rougher this time, more desperate. Dean goes to strip himself of his own t-shirt to get this show on the road but Cas stills his hands pointedly so Dean goes back to grabbing Cas' shirt, crumpling it in his hands as he pulls Cas as close as possible, not even caring at the whimpers and moans escaping from his throat.

Castiel breaks the kiss and Dean may or may not whimper at that, his eyes following Cas' fingers running down Dean's chest, barely grazing him before he grabs at the hem of Dean's t-shirt and pulls it over Dean's head, flying it across the room. Greedily, Cas doesn't let Dean unbutton Cas' shirt and instead attacks Dean's chest with his mouth and hands. His fingers explore his bare torso, running up and down Dean's chest and sides as his mouth focuses on a nipple, sucking on it teasingly before running his tongue down Dean's chest. His mouth lowers, leaving a kiss here and there on Dean's stomach, for a moment focusing on Dean's scar, kissing it gently, fingers gliding over it carefully. Once Cas seems to tire of that and Dean is basically a writhing mess below, his mouth goes even lower, not stopping until he is just above the hemline of Dean's jeans, sucking on the skin there.

" _Cas_ ," Dean tries to say it as an order to hurry the fuck up and stop teasing but it comes out as a moan, a plead, his hips jerking up. Castiel looks up at him, pupils blown as he yanks down Dean's jeans, boxers dragging down slightly with them until they fall just below his hips. Cas doesn't waste time in pulling the jeans off, another item of clothing thrown across the room. Cas looks up at him again, a knowing smirk on his face as takes a hold of Dean's boxers, pulling them down quickly and efficiently, dropping them to the floor. Because Cas is apparently being a fucking  _tease,_ his hand brushes quickly against Dean's length, making Dean buck up to the touch but then Cas' hand is gone. Desperately, Dean tugs at Cas' shirt, trying to hit their mouths together as he rolls his hips against Cas'. And okay, Dean isn't normally the begging type but he can't help it when he rolls off, "Cas, please."

"Patience Dean," Castiel murmurs with a fucking smirk. Impatiently, Dean lets out a small growl, tugging at Cas' shirt some more, fingers fumbling with the buttons as he tries to get the fucking thing off because he's naked and Cas is fully clothed and that shit is not fucking fair. It seems like Cas wants to finally get the show on the road too as he joins Dean with tugging at the buttons of his shirt and it doesn't take them long to rip it off. Next is Cas' belt and Dean undoes that easily, letting his hands rest on Cas' sides as Cas pulls his trousers off and then his boxers and finally, fucking  _finally,_ they're both naked with their bodies pressed against each other. Dean cuts off Cas' moans with a kiss, mouths clashing against each other roughly as Dean's fingernails scrape up and down Cas' back.

Just when Dean starts to get really into it, Cas breaks free, panting as he asks, "Are you sure you want this?"

"Cas, just fucking get on with it," Dean growls impatiently and Cas chuckles against Dean's mouth before leaning over to grab the lube that's always there, quickly prepping himself before attacking Dean's mouth again. The kissing is fevered, desperate to inhale each other as Cas teases Dean's hole before slowly pushing a finger in. Dean groans at the new feeling, fingernails digging into Cas' back sharply as he tries to get used to it, especially when Cas starts to move it around inside of him. And then the slight pain is gone as Cas finds his prostrate, his vision going white with pleasure as he moans into Cas' mouth, body jerking up to Cas' touch to tell him to do it again. Cas complies, letting his finger glide against there again and Dean can't stop his head from arching backwards, letting out another moan.

Without warning, Cas pushes a second finger in, brushing both fingers against Dean's prostrate and Dean doesn't know whether it's because he's an angel or what but Cas is a fucking pro at finding that spot and making Dean barely able to form words. He's fairly sure that he babbles nonsense, not even above a murmur as Castiel lets another finger glide in, opening Dean up with careful precision, every now and then brushing against Dean's prostrate and it's all too much and not enough and Dean just needs and wants and everything in between.

"Cas," Dean hears himself gasp, "Want you."

"Okay Dean," Castiel murmurs, mouth against Dean's jaw. He kisses Dean softly on the mouth as he pulls his fingers out and Dean misses it already, hears himself whimper as his body tries to find something to hold on to. Seeing as Cas has been on Dean's side of things so many times now, he seems to understand how Dean feels and leans down and kisses Dean's damp forehead. He leans out, looking down at Dean for a moment before murmuring, "I love you Dean."

"Love you baby," Dean replies and then all coherent thoughts are out of the window as Cas pushes inside of Dean slowly and it feels strange and right, oh so right and Dean can't even form words, can only grab onto any part of Cas he can find, fingernails digging into Cas' shoulders as he tries to get used to the feeling of Cas being inside him. Having not taken his eyes of Cas for a second, he knows that the feeling is overwhelming for Cas too, the angel having to stop when he's about half way through, letting out little gasps as he looks down at Dean. Dean's about to say something or do something to make Cas at ease but then Cas starts pushing in again, forehead resting in the crook of Dean's neck, panting against his skin as he fills Dean completely. While trying to get to grips with it himself, of being completely filled, of knowing that Cas is inside him like this, he tries to soothe Cas by running his fingers through Cas' hair, the other hand making slow motions up and down Cas' back as they both just stop and feel the new sensations.

Castiel breaks the silence of laboured breaths by pulling out of Dean's neck, face flushed as he looks over Dean's face, "Am I- Am I hurting you?"

"No baby," Dean assures, leaning forward to brush their lips together before dropping his head back to the pillow, "I just want you to-" Dean takes a deep breath, "Just move for me Cas."

Castiel looks at him for a moment before starting to thrust in and out of Dean, a slow drag at first to steady them both into this. Dean grabs a hold of Cas' forearms so tight it'll probably bruise as he meets his hips to every thrust off Cas. The feeling is overwhelming, Dean arches his neck, the back of his head digging into the pillow as Cas starts to move quicker now, changing from slow and long thrusts to quick and sharp. Dean feels himself getting close without even being touched besides Cas' cock inside of him because this is enough to send him to the edge, of Cas, the man he loves, the man he's going to die for, being inside him, staring down at him with awe as he rocks them both as one. The feeling to come grows even more insistent when Cas grips onto Dean's thighs and pulls them up higher, changing the angle of his thrusts and it's just the right angle, just the right thrust from Cas, deep and hard into Dean that hits against his prostrate. Dean gasps and moans something, not entirely sure what it is and he gets cut off with Cas' mouth as he leans down and kisses him roughly and everything is too much for Dean, this right here, is too much for him to handle and he comes hard, mouth brushing against Cas' as he gasps.

With their foreheads still pressed together, Cas carries on moving and even though he feels spent, Dean still bucks his hips up to meet Cas every time and it's not long before Cas comes too, head burying in Dean's neck as he lets out a broken moan, his whole body collapsing onto Dean heavily. Knowing exactly how Cas is feeling right now, Dean brushes his fingers through Cas' damp hair, murmuring how much he loves him, how good Cas is to him, voice barely audible even in the silence of laboured breaths. Castiel doesn't reply, face still buried in Dean's neck, doesn't even signify he can hear him and Dean doesn't know whether it's a good thing if he doesn't hear Dean's quiet admissions or not.

It's a while before Cas moves and he pulls himself out of Dean with ease, Dean holding down the whimper threatening to escape his throat and instead pulls Cas by the waist until Cas' head is resting against Dean's chest. Dean kisses the top of his head, hair damp and curling and murmurs, rather breathlessly, "Why the fuck did I take this long to try that?"

Castiel lifts his head so he can see Dean's face and he raises an eyebrow, "That's the first time we did this?"

"Yeah," Dean mumbles, shuffling his body uncomfortably because now that it's over, now that they're lying in each other’s arms, it's easy to remember all the other shit around them, of the things Dean will have to do tomorrow.

"Then why now?" Castiel frowns and it's a valid question, just not an answer Dean wants to answer right now.

Dean shrugs, lips thinning as he tries not to show any expression on his face, "I don't know, now seemed like the right time. It's kind of a big deal to let myself be you know," Dean tries to think of the right word, "vulnerable like that."

Castiel smiles faintly and leans upwards to kiss Dean's forehead, "I love you Dean."

"Now that we've ripped the band-aid off, you're not going to stop saying that are you?" Dean smiles easily because this is everything he'd wanted in a last day with Cas, more than he could have even hoped for.

Castiel frowns, "Band-aid? What band-aid?"

Dean rolls his eyes at Cas' confusion and kisses Cas on the mouth, "Nothing Cas, just, I love you too."

"Good," Castiel states, kisses Dean once more on the mouth before collapsing his head back onto Dean's chest. Automatically, Dean brushes a hand through Cas' hair, the other tracing patterns on Cas' upper back before swirling down lower and then starting all over again, Cas shivering underneath his touch. Dean feels himself starting to drift off but he fights the feeling just for a little longer, desperate for more of Cas, just a few more minutes that he can remember Cas by when he's in Heaven without him. He manages a few more minutes, minutes of trying his hardest not to think about tomorrow but rather everything he and Cas have had, the big things but also the little things, small things that Dean wouldn't have even remembered if they had been with someone else. All the things they had had together, the things that they will, or at least his past self and Cas, will have together. And honestly, even through all the shit, the fact they had to meet through Hell and spend the rest of their time trying to stop an inevitable apocalypse, Dean wouldn't change a thing.

 

 


	31. Chapter 31

Dean is woken up to how he loves to be awoken, Cas' mouth against his and as Dean flutters his eyes open to meet Cas' gaze, he realises with a heavy heart that this will be the last time he'll ever be woken like this. It's the last time that he'll wake to see Cas lying next to him, the last time he'll wake with an armful of angel. And that means he is damn going to enjoy it.

Dean smiles at Cas, who is already smiling warmly at him, legs entangled with Dean's messily and oh so perfectly. Dean kisses Cas this time, lazily on the mouth before trailing down to brush his mouth against Cas' jaw and neck before heading back to his mouth again.

"Morning," Dean smiles softly against the angel's lips.

Castiel smiles back, a hand having tangled into Dean's hair, "Good morning."

Dean tries to capture it in his memory, the easy quirk of lips that Cas gives him, eyes warm and trusting, hair dishevelled and pointing out in fifty different ways. Cas is perfect like this, adorable and beautiful all rolled into one and Dean loves him more than he can even comprehend, more than he could ever have imagined. And Dean will never forget that, not even after spending an eternity in Heaven, he'll never forget Cas, never forget this moment right here.

"I really need to shower," Dean says, smirking against Cas' mouth, desperate to spend their last few hours as themselves and not with Dean being too busy with thoughts of the past or the future, of what he will have to do later today. Cas deserves his full attention in their last few hours and Dean damn sure wants to give it to him.

Castiel smiles at him knowingly, "Me too, I suppose I could use my grace but.."

"Hmm," Dean grins, glad that they can have this, at least one more time, "Using your grace would be cheating."

Castiel leans closer to him, lips brushing against each other teasingly as he murmurs, "So I guess I need to shower with you then."

Grinning, Dean jumps off the bed and grabs Cas by the hand and pulls him off too, dragging them both to the bathroom, not even making it to the shower before he's kissing Cas urgently, hands trailing across Cas' body, desperate to commit every inch of him to memory, his shoulders, his hip bones, every freckle or mole.

Dean murmurs 'I love you' against Cas' throat, against his jaw, shows it by the slow drag of his fingers against Cas' skin, the light scrape of his fingernails into Cas' hair. He lets Cas know he loves him by kissing him with everything, with all he has as Cas holds him up against the tiles, Dean's legs wrapped around Cas' waist. He shows his love by holding onto Cas and never letting go as Cas thrusts into him, moans muffled into Cas' neck, words of need, want and love and everything in between gasped against Cas' neck, against his jaw, against his mouth as their foreheads are pressed together, neither taking their gaze from each other, still not letting go even when they've both came, just staying where they are, drenching in each other, both for entirely different reasons.

When they finally get out of the shower, they both dry off, Dean still not bearing to take his eyes off Cas for a second which Cas copies, sending small coy smiles Dean's way that make Dean's heart swell painfully. Dean doesn't stop himself from taking the very few steps to Cas, taking the towel from Cas' hand and rubbing it gently against Cas' hair before dropping it to the floor. He lets his thumb follow a droplet of water down the side of Cas' face, cutting it off before it can drip off Cas' chin.

"You're beautiful like this you know," Dean murmurs as he guides his thumb to Cas' lower lip, dragging it down softly, Castiel watching him with precision, "I mean, you're always beautiful," Dean adds, staring down at Cas' mouth, not being able to look away as if he were hypnotised, "But especially now."

Castiel doesn't say anything, almost as if he is afraid to ruin the moment, to break whatever they're having right now and Dean silently thanks him for it because Dean needs this, just this small moment.

"I love you Cas," Dean murmurs, lifting his eyes up to meet Cas' as he says this, "Love you, so much."

Castiel's mouth lifts into a smile and he takes a hold of Dean's hand, linking their hands together as he leans forward to press a chaste kiss to Dean, "I love you Dean, more than anything,  _always._ "

Dean nods and breathes out, "Always be you, remember?"

Castiel presses another kiss to his mouth, "And it's always been you."

"Yeah," Dean smiles against Cas' mouth and he knows the moment has to be over now, else Cas will start to question Dean's actions so Dean kisses him one last time, deep enough to elicit a moan from Cas before he breaks free, disentangling his hand from Cas', "Now get dressed baby."

Castiel nods, reaching forward to kiss Dean on the forehead before making his way back to the bedroom to put on his damn suit and backwards tie, the very outfit that Dean had first saw him in- what had he called him? A holy tax accountant. Who would have thought that that would have turned into this?

Dean takes a deep breath before going back to the bedroom himself, snaking a hand through Cas' hair as he walks by him, picking up a pair of sweats from the drawer and putting them on, not bothering with anything else. He'll decide on what he wants to die in when Cas leaves, he doesn't want to waste any time on that when Cas is in the room with him. Once Dean has pulled them on he makes his way back to Cas and helps him button up his shirt, kissing his jaw before settling to sit on the edge of the bed and watch as Castiel pulls on the rest of his clothes. After Cas is dressed, donned even in his trench coat, Dean entwines their fingers together and walks them both to the kitchen, only letting go when they get there so Dean can rummage around in the top cupboard, Castiel leaning against the counter and watching him, his eyes glancing up and down Dean's body. Purposely, Dean stretches, lifting his arms up as his jogging bottoms ride down to showcase his hips. Cas lets out a growl and Dean lifts his eyebrows in return, pushing down the smirk he wants to send Cas' way.

Cas crosses his arms, "You're doing that on purpose."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Dean feigns innocence, widening his eyes as he walks across the kitchen floor to kiss Cas' forehead.

"Yes you do," Castiel complains, fingers curling around Dean's jaw and pulling Dean into a forceful kiss, "I'm going to go search for my Father now before I jump on you."

"You're going now?" Dean asks, stilling in Cas' grip because he'd thought they would have longer, at least breakfast, something more. But maybe it's for the best that Cas does leave now because the longer he leaves it, the worse it's going to get, the harder it's going to be for Dean to let Cas go.

Castiel tilts his head uncertainly at Dean's behaviour before promising, "Yes, I won't be long."

"Yeah okay," Dean smiles thinly.

"I'll see you later Dean," Castiel smiles, happily ignorant in what will happen in a few hours. Dean gulps as Cas presses a kiss to Deans forehead. Tightly, he wraps a hand around Cas' wrist, the other hand reaching to cup Cas' cheek as he kisses Cas softly on the mouth, knowing that this is really it, these are their last moments together and Dean wants to do something, wants to find the right thing to say but he guesses there is no right thing to say in this situation, nothing that will make this better for either of them. It is what it is and no matter what Dean does or says isn't going to change what Dean will have to do in a few hours.

Dean presses their foreheads against each other, inhaling all of Cas one last time before he murmurs the only thing he can think of, "Love you baby, never forget that."

"Love you Dean, always," Castiel replies with an honest smile, a smile that Dean knows won't light up Cas' face for a long time. Cas leans his hands up to cup Dean's face, "I'll see you in a few hours."

Dean takes a moment, just a few more seconds before he drops his hand from Cas' cheek and slowly unwraps his other fingers from Cas' wrist, knowing that this time Dean really is letting him go for good. Dean forces himself to nod as he looks up at Cas' face, committing every inch of his face to memory, "Okay, see you in a few hours."

Castiel gives him one last kiss, a quick nuzzle of their noses together before he disappears altogether and that's the precise moment that Dean collapses, right there in the kitchen, as reality hits him, that this really is it. That that right there was his last official moment with Cas, that the only time he'll see him again is that small moment in the warehouse before Lucifer tears him to shreds. Never again is he going to see him smile or wake up with him beside him. He's never going to get the chance to retire from hunting, to find a home for them both, a home where their nieces and nephews can stay over, hell, even the possibility of having their own children, mini-Cas' running around in mini-trench coats. He's never going to grow old with him, to be able to complain about his aching bones and grey hair. He's never going to be able to just live his life with him.

Dean buries his face in his hands as he kneels on the cold kitchen floor, grating his teeth together as short, painful sobs tumble from his throat, heavy tears dripping down his face and he doesn't even bother to stop them, to try and stop any of it. He lets himself go to pieces on the floor, broken sobs ricocheting through his whole body and he hasn't broken down like this since Cas had died and it's like he's mourning him all over again, mourning  _both_ of them, of what they could have had if the universe had been better to them.

An irritating beeping tears him from his thoughts and he very nearly ignores it, not sure whether he could even get up right now, let alone talk, but he knows there's only one person who will be calling him and he's got a good guess on what they're going to want to talk about and he knows he has to answer that damn phone call.

"Fuck," Dean mutters, rubbing at his eyes and trying to calm his breathing as he stumbles to the living room, barely able to keep upright as he scrambles for his phone, taking three attempts to press the right button to answer the call and stop the shrill beeping.

"What the fuck did I just dream Dean?!" Chuck screams down the phone.

Dean collapses on to the couch and digs his thumb and fingers into his shut eyes, "Hi Chuck."

"Dean, why did I just dream of you walking into a warehouse and getting killed by Lucifer?" Chuck shouts, panicked.

Dean sighs, voice scratchy, "You dreamt it, you know why."

Chuck stays silent for a short while before asking quietly, "Is that why you came back here, to save Cas from Lucifer?"

Dean sighs again, feeling on the brink of yet more tears, "Yeah and to save Sammy and I guess to save my past self too."

"If you came back to save Cas, if you know how it happens, why not just stop Cas from walking into that warehouse trap in the first place, why not just warn him?" Chuck questions.

"Because this is how it has to happen," Dean explains tiredly, "This is how it's already happened Chuck."

"Then change it!" Chuck shouts desperately, "You're Dean Winchester, since when did you follow through on what's supposed to happen? You're like the King of Free Will and changing your own fate!"

Dean takes a deep breath, trying to keep his voice steady, "Because if I change it then everything will get fucked and we won't defeat Lucifer in the future."

Chuck doesn't seem perturbed though and if it were any other time Dean would be touched that Chuck actually cares about him, "But couldn't you-"

"I don't want to fucking change it Chuck!" Dean yells, voice breaking, his eyes widening when he realises that he's just screamed at the guy that's just trying to save his life. Dean gulps, shutting his eyes yet again as he murmurs, voice barely above a whisper, "I don't want to change it Chuck. Just- Just let me die how I want to die okay? I deserve that much, I deserve to decide on when I die."

"Dean," Chuck falters, clearly not knowing what to say to that and Dean supposes there isn't anything  _to_ say back to that, nothing Chuck can say can make any of this better. He can't fix this and they both know it.

Dean clears his throat, wiping away the fresh tears, not really knowing why he's bothering to because it seems like he's not going to stop crying until he makes his way to that damn warehouse, "Can you do something for me?"

"Anything," Chuck replies instantly, still sounding distressed.

"When I- In the future when I go back to the past, to here, can you- can you tell Sam that in the spare bedroom of Bobby's cabin, in the top drawer of the cabinet nearest to the window, there's a letter there from me. Can you do that for me Chuck?" Dean asks, not even bothering to wipe away the tears now, letting them drip heavily down his cheeks, briefly hoping that Cas doesn't decide to check on him before the whole warehouse shit, else it's going to lead to some awkward conversation.

"Yeah, of course I will, I'll tell him Dean," Chuck replies quietly.

"Yeah, okay," Dean gulps, "Thanks Chuck and not just for this, for everything. I mean, you didn't exactly ask to live this life, you were kind of thrown into it kicking and screaming and even then you managed to choose the right side," Dean smiles faintly, "You helped save the world Chuck."

Chuck laughs tiredly through the phone, "Not yet I haven't."

"Yeah," Dean murmurs, "But you will."

"And you already have," Chuck says, "Thanks for saving the world Dean."

"Just doing what I was apparently made to do," Dean sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers, "But you're welcome."

Chuck lets out a short, tired laugh, "Yeah."

"I guess- I guess I'll be seeing you then," Dean says softly.

"Yeah," Chuck replies, sounding teary eyed himself.

"But not too soon, I didn't save the world just so you could die right after," Dean jokes.

"I wouldn't dream of it, there's loads of Hawaiian girls that I need to hit on and then be turned down by yet," Chuck jokes back.

Dean laughs, just a short burst and in the back of his mind he knows it's the last laugh he's ever going to have while he's alive. Dean gulps, "Goodbye Chuck."

"Goodbye Dean," Chuck murmurs back and Dean knows it's the time to end the call now, to shut one last chapter. With a deep breath, Dean hangs up the phone and walks back to the kitchen, dropping the now turned off phone on the table. He quickly checks the time, with a heavy heart realising he only has a few hours left. Dean shakes his head and tries to focus on what he has to do right now, going back to the living room to grab some paper and a pen, settling down at the dining table in the kitchen. With a slow exhale and yet more tears starting to flood, he starts to write.

" _Sammy,_

_I guess I should start off with saying sorry, huh? I mean, I didn't exactly say goodbye in the best way I could have done. I was a mess and that's not really what I wanted your last memory of me to be and I'm sorry for that. But I think if I would have stayed in the future any longer after what happened, it would have only got worse and you know me Sammy, I like to suffer alone even if it pisses you off. So yeah, sorry that our goodbye was fucked up, I'm sorry that I didn't stay longer to explain everything but let's be honest, I wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind to be explaining anything._

_I'm going to just assume that Chuck told you everything I failed to tell you. And hopefully that means that you understand why I did what I did, what I'm about to do. I don't need you to be happy about it and I don't really expect you to be (because seriously, if it was the other way around I would be as pissed as anything and I don't really expect anything less from you) but I just need you to understand. I need you to get why I came back, to understand that I had to save you and Cas and I just- I hope that you do Sammy. And I hope that you're not too angry with me. I guess I'll find that out once you come to Heaven and whether you try and kick my ass or not._

_And I'm sorry that I left so quickly, I really am. And I hope you get this letter sooner rather than later so I can get you to stop worrying about me. Because the last time you saw me I was a complete wreck and I'm not going to lie to you (because I know if I did, you'd know I was lying anyway you little shit), the first few weeks of being in the past, I was fucked up. I was a mess and at the start I suffered alone (and yes, I can practically hear you bitching about that from here in the past, shut up Samantha) but then I started to talk to Chuck and he kind of helped me. Chuck's a good guy, stay friends with him (and don't you dare blame any of this shit on him, he tried to stop me from doing this so don't fucking blame him or I'll find a way to crawl down from heaven and kick your ass). Anyway, he helped me through some of the shit but I still wasn't exactly happy._

_But then I had Cas again and I'm not lying when I say this (honestly, I'm not), he made me better. These last few weeks, I've been happy. I mean sure, I'm not exactly vomiting rainbows and sunshine, it has been far from easy but being with Cas has made it easier. And trust me when I say this, I was okay, we were happy. And to prove my point, in the phone on top of this letter is a picture or two of me and Cas. I figured seeing as you didn't have a picture of Cas and I (well, we didn't have a picture of Cas at all), you'd want one of us. And hopefully, that picture will show you that I was happy in the end because I was Sammy and just, don't forget that for me okay? Don't go around fretting for the rest of your life, worrying about could haves and should haves and how you could have helped me more or how I'm suffering in the past. Don't do any of that shit because it worked out how I wanted. I got to save you from that fucking werewolf, I got to save us all from that demon trap, I got to save Cas from Lucifer and by doing that, I also helped us with defeating Lucifer and saving the world in the future. And in the end, I got what I wanted, what I needed, I got to be with Cas again, even just for a few more weeks and I fell in love with him all over again (and I know that's a soppy line right there but you're like the king of talking about feelings so I figured you'd like that and swoon over it like the big girl you are)._

_And now to you. First of all, you better not go out of our deal. I don't want you wasting any of your time trying to prevent any of this shit, to try and save me because first of all, you'll get nowhere, you won't be able to stop this and if you try to, you'll only end up hating yourself and I don't want that. Second of all, if you try and change the past, if you try and change any of this by somehow stopping me or Cas from dying, you might undo us saving the world and killing Lucifer and I did not go through all this shit for you to undo it all. Third and most important of all, I don't want you to. I don't want you to try and stop any of this and not just because I don't want you to waste any of your precious time when you could be finding a hot girl, it's also because I really don't want you to stop me. This, me coming back, me saving all our lives and dying so me and Cas can have more time together, this is my decision and I want you to respect it. Respect that I want to die Sam, even though it's damn difficult to accept._

_Now stick with our deal. Go live your life however you want to. All your life, you've never been able to do that. Dad stopped you and then even when you got out, you were sucked back in again because of that dick Azazel. You never got to live your life Sammy but now you do. You saved the world, you did what you needed to do so go out there and do whatever the fuck you want. Don't worry about what others want of you, you ignore them all and live how you want to live. If you want to go back to school, do it. If you want to buy a house, have a 9 to 5 job, do it. Hell, if you want to become a fucking nudist, do it. Do whatever you want and just, live your life Sam and I know whatever you choose to do, you'll be fucking great at it and you'll make me proud. You've always made me proud Sam no matter what and that's never going to go away._

_So I guess that's all the important stuff. You know I'm not great with my words Sam so if you don't mind I'm going to end this now and I hope this is enough for you._

_I'll see you in Heaven way way into the future (and it better be way way into the future after you've lived a fucking fantastic life or I will beat your ass)._

_Love you little brother,_

_Dean._

_p.s. You better take care of that impala and by taking care, I mean not putting any shitty iPod docks into it, my baby doesn't deserve that."_

Dean doesn't re-read the letter, finds he can't, so he folds it up neatly, grabs the phone and buries it in the drawer that he had told Chuck about. He doesn't look back when he's shut the drawer, walks right out of the room and closes the door with a click because he can't look back, he just-  _can't._

Slowly, with his mind now clear of thoughts, drained of any emotion he can muster, Dean makes his way back to his bedroom, to his and Cas' bedroom and chooses his clothes. He doesn't go for anything special because there's no point. He throws on his usual attire, a plaid shirt over a plain grey t-shirt, slightly worn jeans and his boots. He doesn't check himself in the mirror because again, there's no point. He doesn't care how he looks when he's going to be nothing but a corpse soon anyway.

Again, he doesn't look back when he walks out of their bedroom, feeling strangely empty when he shuts the door behind him but Dean's glad for that. He's cried too much today and now he needs to focus, to get his hunter-head in gear so he can do this right. He can't let any emotions get in the way of this, not when it's so vitally important that he does it perfectly right.

Dean checks the time, finds that it's time to leave and hollowly, he stands up and leaves the cabin, not looking back once. It feels strange to leave with no weapons, to not even have a gun or knife tucked into the back of his pants. He feels like a part of him is missing, that he's leaving himself exposed but Dean supposes that's the whole point. He doesn't need weapons because he's not going to be fighting back.

He wishes that he's in the impala though, that he was driving to his death in his car rather than the shit Gabriel has given to him. He wishes for the familiarity of his baby, one last thing he could say goodbye to before he dies. But still, he can't change that now and he'll have to deal with driving this car to his death instead.

He doesn't listen to music, the drive to the warehouse eerily quiet, only the quiet thrum of the engine and the gravel under the wheels filling the air. Even Dean's thoughts are empty. He doesn't know whether it's due to the fact that he's thought and felt way too much the past few weeks that now it's nearly over, he's just drained himself completely or it's due to anticipation alone, but Dean welcomes the emptiness, the hollowness settling within him because having no thoughts or feelings is better for him right now, it's easier for him to drive to his destination without any thought popping up in his mind.

Dean stops the car when he's within a mile of the warehouse, knowing from Chuck in the future that he has to walk the rest of the way and wait outside of the warehouse until the exact time, safe in the knowledge that no one will notice him there, not even Lucifer, until he walks into that warehouse unannounced.

He gets there early, only a few minutes ahead of his time of death and it doesn't even sound like Cas has arrived yet. Dean can only assume that's a good thing. The less time Cas is in a room with Lucifer, the less time that Lucifer can hurt him. Dean knows that if Cas had already been there and was being tortured by Lucifer, Dean wouldn't have been able to wait for the allotted time before storming in there.

He hears Lucifer say some shit to other people in the room and Dean can only assume they're demons, sounding like there's only two of them there.

Dean's ears perk up when he hears his own voice, his fists clenching when he hears Lucifer projecting his voice and talking to Cas through the phone, pretending to be Dean and needing help, just like Cas had told him how it had went down in the future.

It isn't until he hears Cas' voice that he feels his heart start to crumble, emotions hitting him hard in his gut as he listens to Cas asking where Dean is, how his voice relaxes when he realises that Dean isn't there, that he's safe. He listens as Cas refuses to tell Lucifer where Dean is, which is to be expected but it still physically hurts when the angel says proudly, to Satan himself, that he will die for Dean, that he should just kill him already because he's not going to get any information from him.

It gets even worse when Lucifer starts doing something to him that makes Cas scream out and Dean has to shut his eyes and dig his fingernails into the palm of his hand to stop himself from walking in there to stop it because he can't listen to Cas being hurt, he can't have the last noise he hears from Cas' voice to be a scream of pain.

The screaming stops and Dean's body slumps down in relief, hoping that that's the last of it, that there'll be no more torturing before he gets in there. His body stiffens again when he hears Lucifer's taunt, how he's going to stretch out Cas' death to make it more painful. But then Cas retorts back with a curt 'Fuck you' and Dean doesn't know whether to applaud Cas' down right defiance or shout at him for being so careless with himself.

Cas' screaming fills the air again and Dean checks his watch to stop himself from vomiting and focuses on the seconds hand, watches it slowly make its way to twelve again and Dean has less than a minute now before he stops it all, before he can save Cas. This is really it and he's so focused on that damn second hand he almost doesn't notice the screaming stopping again. His head whips up, and he hears Lucifer, clear as a bell, "All you have to do is tell me where Dean Winchester is and I'll stop."

Dean knows without even looking at his watch that this is the time now, that that line is practically begging him to make his entrance and hey, Dean's always been one to make one hell of an entrance, even if it's to his death.

"Dean Winchester? Now why the fuck would you want him?" Dean swings open the door and strides in, a smug, calculated look on his face, trying his best to swallow down the nerves as Lucifer slowly turns around to meet him because this is it, he's going to be destroyed by Satan himself, the king of Hell and Dean knows it's not going to be pretty.

He does get a small sense of satisfaction when he catches Lucifer's face, a look of surprise that looks odd moulded on to his face and Dean quickly appreciates that he's caused the King of Hell to look like this.

It's only then that he realises that the demons are gone, that it's just the three of them now and Dean supposes it's for the best because this is personal.

"Dean, leave," Castiel gasps in horror and Dean finally lets his gaze flicker over to Castiel's, throat thick when he sees the angel slumped on the floor, blood dripping out of his ears and nose. But that's not the worst of it, not what makes Dean's breath catch. It's the look on Cas' face, the look of pure horror etched onto his face, how terrified he is that Dean is there. Cas doesn't care about himself and Dean just  _knows_ that before Dean had walked into the room, Castiel had had no fear on his face but now, there's nothing  _but_ fear radiating from the angel. And that right there, seeing Cas' face and knowing how much this will break him is the worst thing in the world.

"Dean, Dean, Dean," Lucifer says and even though Dean doesn't look at him, can't take his eyes from Cas, it sounds like he's recovered from his shock of Dean's appearance, "Nice to finally meet you in the real world."

Dean can spot the moment on Cas' face when he realises that this is  _his_ Dean, how his eyes widen in horror, his face falling, jaw going slack, as he stares from Dean to Lucifer and Dean wants to reach out to him, wants nothing more than to kiss that look off Cas' face to make it better, to reassure him that everything will be okay but he can't and he won't.

Dean lets his gaze flicker to Lucifer and fuck, he wants to kill him, wants to throttle him and beat him to a pulp, wants to use everything he had learnt in hell on the King of Hell himself because the man in front of him had killed the love of his life. And not only that, he had killed Cas when he had known that it was all over for himself anyway, that he was dead as soon as he hit the floor but he had killed Cas all the same, had made that extra effort, had used the last of his grace to kill Cas along with him. And that's what makes it worse, what makes Dean want to string him, because if Lucifer had just fucking died, had dealt with it and realised his defeat, Cas would still be alive, could still live his life, could even have possibly joined Dean up in Heaven now that Gabriel was up there manning the ship.

Dean doesn't stop himself from taking a step forward, clenching his fists to restrain himself, "Yeah, it's fucking great to see you too. Now let Cas go. You can do whatever the fuck you want to me but you are not hurting Cas, you understand me?"

But it's too late for that now, it's too late to threaten because it's already done, they're both already dead and no matter what Dean says here isn't going to change that. All three of them are dead men anyway.

Lucifer pouts, swaying back and forth as he pretends to consider before sending a toothy grin Dean's way that makes Dean want to tear his face off, "How about I just have you both instead? Win-win situation for me!"

"No!" Castiel roars and Dean lets his gaze go back to Cas and he almost wishes that he hadn't have because he's forced into watching him try to get out of what can only be Lucifer's hold, like he's in an invisible cage and Dean can't look away as a terrified Castiel tries to thrash his way out of it, eyes wild.

Lucifer looks over at Castiel, grin still lighting up his face, "I'll finish up with you in a bit Castiel but first, I've got to deal with pesky little Dean here. And don't worry Castiel, I'll make it nice and painful for him."

With wide eyes, Castiel looks back at Dean. And it's too much, to watch Castiel look so terrified for him, how desperate he is to try and save him and the worst thing is that Dean knows how it's going to end. He knows that Cas will be so broken and horrifically, Dean can relate to him, knows perfectly well how it's going to feel for Cas, how it feels to lose the love of your life, to feel that you've failed them. And Dean's here forcing Cas to go through it all just like Dean did. He's forcing Cas to be as broken as he is himself.

"I'm sorry," Dean whispers but he knows it will never be enough and it's too late anyway as he falls to his knees, hands blindly reaching for his stomach as he starts to bleed out and he doesn't know what Lucifer has done but it feels like the fucker has stabbed him and turned his insides into liquid.

"No!" Castiel's scream fills the air, echoing around the room as Dean drops to his back, trying his best to stay conscious, just for a little longer, just to know that Cas gets out of here alive. It isn't even five seconds before a gun shot ripples around the room and Dean hazily thinks back to the colt, how it had been ripped from their motel room, how this is how they had found out that the colt doesn't work on Lucifer. It must do something though as there's the sound of another body falling.

"Cas?" Dean weakly calls out, trying his best to lift his head to find Cas because he needs to see him, just one last time,  _please just let him see him._

Castiel appears at his side, dropping to his knees and carefully lifting Dean's head to rest on his lap, a hand brushing through his hair as Castiel tries to soothe him, "Dean, it's okay, I'm going to take you to a hospital and you're going to-"

"No!" Dean tries his hardest to shout, but it barely comes out at all. His eyes track around until he finds Cas' hand, gripping onto it tightly as he gasps out, "It's too late Cas, they won't be able to do anything."

Furiously, Cas shakes his head, "No, no, they have to be able to do something, I'm not going to-" Cas' face crumbles, eyes filling, "I'm not going to let you die Dean."

Dean smiles tiredly, still holding onto Cas' hand with all the strength he has left, trying his hardest to force his brain to focus, to get the words out because they're important, oh they're important, "You have to Cas. You have to. This is always how it's supposed to happen. You've got to let me die Cas."

Castiel tightens his hold of his hand though Dean barely feels it, voice small, already broken, "You- You knew that this was going to happen?"

"Yeah, but it's okay Cas, it's going to okay," Dean reassures him because it will be, at least for a little while. They'll be together again, Cas will have more time with Dean, this isn't it for Cas.

Dean tugs at Cas' hand, needing more touch between them and Castiel complies, tightening his hold of Dean's hand while dropping his forehead to rest against Dean's. Castiel lets out a broken sob before pleading, "How can it be? I can't lose you Dean,  _please."_

"I'm still going to be here," Dean gulps out because he is, he knows that at some point, Castiel will have Dean again, he'll be able to smile again. It's not over for Cas,  _they're_ not over.

Cas is struggling to breathe now, voice panicked as he gasps out, "But he's not  _you_ Dean, I'm not his and he's not mine and I can't do this-"

"Yes you can Cas,  _you_ _can_  and you will," Dean replies, feeling blood running out of his mouth now and he knows it's nearly over,  _he's_ nearly over and he still hasn't told Cas the most important things yet. He looks up at Castiel who lifts his head to look at Dean properly, horror reflected in his eyes. Dean takes a deep, painful breath, "And you need to listen to me okay, you need to promise me that you won't try and stop this from happening or that you'll try and bring me back and you need- you need to make it so no angel can bring me back."

Cas shakes his head, face covered in tears, "No, I won't promise that, I won't."

"If you love me you'll promise me Cas," Dean chokes out, feeling on the edge of losing himself and he hates using Cas' love against him like this, hates using it to make Cas do what Dean wants but it needs to be done, Dean can't be brought back, he doesn't want to, not when there's no Cas to come back to, "This is important now promise me,  _please."_

"I- I promise Dean," Cas shuts his eyes and takes a stuttered breath, eyes and cheeks wet and Dean really wants to wipe them away but he doesn't have the energy, hardly has any energy to look up to Cas anymore and he knows this is it, that he barely has any time left. But he's okay with it, because he's in the knowledge that Cas will be okay, that he'll be with Dean again, that they'll have their fumbles in the impala, their nights of cuddling up in front of the TV and they'll have their damn day at the beach. It's all to come for Cas and all to come for Dean's past self. And then they'll go through it all over again, Cas will die and Dean will come back, make Cas fall in love with him, die himself and then Cas will join with Dean's past self and have that beach date again, then Cas'll die by Lucifer's hand and they'll just keep going around and around in circles. Their story will never end, they'll both keep dying for each other, both keep finding each other and isn't that the whole point?

"Love you Cas, so much," Dean whispers, a small smile on his lips as he looks up at Cas, barely even seeing him now, his vision going cloudy but he faintly feels Cas' tear drops splashing onto Dean's cheeks, mixing with Dean's own drying tears, a promise that Cas is still with him, still with him until he takes his last breath.

"I love you too Dean," Castiel tumbles out, barely able to speak anymore.

Dean tries to think of great last words, something that will make Cas smile, something that he can hold onto. He doesn't know why he hadn't thought of it sooner because the supposed hero always has great last words didn't they? And with his last coherent thought, he thinks of some, a joke no less.

Dean forces his eyes to flicker open and looks up at Castiel with a small smile, "You better make past me fall in love with you or I swear I'll haunt your ass."

And it's a joke because Cas doesn't need to do fuck all, Dean's already hopelessly in love with him.


	32. Chapter 32

The first thing Dean sees in Heaven isn't what he expects. In fact, if he had been forced into making a list prior to dying, this would have been way  _way_  down on the list.

"Gabriel?" Dean furrows his eyebrows, "What the fuck are you doing in my Heaven dude?"

Gabriel steps forward and rolls his eyes, hands in pockets, "Nice to see you too Deano."

"No, I didn't mean-" Dean tries to backtrack because he doesn't want to be a dick here. And surprisingly, he's ridiculously glad to see the archangel, to see a familiar face. But as he starts to think of how to say this out loud without sounding sappy he realises something, something that makes him take a step back, though he's not sure why because he's fucking dead so it's not like he can die again. And he's in Heaven so he can only assume that means that he can't be hurt in any way.

"Wait," Dean takes another step back which the archangel pulls a face at, "This is in the past, down on Earth, I haven't met you yet, not as the true archangel you."

Gabriel rolls his eyes, "Relax, it's the Gabriel that you know and love. If it wasn't, how could I know that I sent you back to the past on what I've since found out to be basically a suicide mission?"

"Oh," Dean relaxes, ignoring the latter of what Gabriel had said, "But how are you here? I mean, I didn't think angels could go back in time in Heaven, I thought that would be impossible."

"Ah, but is is," Gabriel grins, taking a step forward to fill the large gap between them, "It  _is_ impossible, that is unless you're an incredibly clever, sneaky, archangel and then it's not impossible."

"So basically, just you then," Dean points out deadpan before smiling himself, feeling his shoulders release the tension.

"Yeah, just me," Gabriel grins wider, pulling a lollipop from thin air and stuffing it in his mouth.

"So, erm, not that I'm not happy to see you or anything but seriously, what are you doing in my Heaven?" Dean asks dubiously, looking around and seeing nothing but white and he seriously hopes this isn't it for the rest of eternity or he'll go insane. But hadn't Cas told him that Heaven could be whatever he wanted? What he's seeing right now is probably Gabriel's projection rather than his own.

"Well, I'm mainly here because Chuck told me that he dreamt me here," Gabriel explains around the lollipop.

"Wait, Chuck dreamt this? But I'm-" Dean stumbles on his words, "I'm dead."

Gabriel slow claps before rolling his eyes, "Wow, nothing gets past you does it?"

"Gabriel," Dean warns, crossing his arms because he's just died, has just had to say goodbye to Cas for forever and he really isn't in the mood for any shit.

"Come on Deano, use your brain. He still dreamt of you when you were in Hell," Gabriel says.

"Yeah but that was different," Dean frowns, "I hadn't finished my prophecy of killing Lucifer yet. I thought that after I did that, after I stopped the apocalypse and did what I was supposed to do, Chuck would get to stop dreaming about me. And Sam too."

"And you're right about that Dean," Gabriel points at him, smiling broadly, "A point to you. But technically, this right now is  _before_ you completed the prophecy because down there on Earth, you haven't ended the apocalypse yet. And all this that's happening now, Chuck has already dreamt it, he was dreaming of you being in Heaven alongside past you that's still down on Earth living his little old life."

Dean puzzles this over, shutting his eyes, "My head hurts."

"Yep," Gabriel nods and with a snap of his fingers, a bench appears which Dean sits on automatically, Gabriel lounging next to him, "So Chuck has already dreamt all this and that's why I knew I had to do my little trick to get here to talk to you. When a prophet tells you something has already happened that you need to do, it's not the best of ideas to ignore them."

"Right," Dean nods, starting to understand what Gabriel is saying but still wishing his life (shit, not life anymore) isn't so complicated, "So in the future," Dean adds slowly, "After I've killed- you know."

"My big brother?" Gabriel interrupts with raised eyebrows.

"Uh, yeah," Dean mumbles before saying, "After I've killed Lucifer, Chuck has stopped dreaming about me, about Sam?"

"Yeah," Gabriel nods, "From what I know after having a quick look into the future, a few days after you killed my brother and fulfilled your prophecy, Chuck stopped with the prophecy shit, no more dreams for him."

"So, he's okay then?" Dean asks because he really wants Chuck to be okay, he'd done a lot for Dean and for Cas too, more than necessary and he doesn't want the guy to be plagued by dreams of Dean in Heaven and Sam living his own life till the day Chuck dies himself.

"Chuck?" Gabriel snorts, "He's fine, living it up in Hawaii. I'm actually going to teach him a few tricks with the ladies, think he needs it."

Dean laughs, "Yeah, I bet he'll be grateful for that."

Gabriel nods, leaning further back on the bench, head tilting up as if there is a Sun in the sky, hell, that there is a sky at all.

"So, Chuck dreamt that you coming back to see me was important. Why is it so important?" Dean asks.

Gabriel turns his head to look at Dean, "Well, first of all, to protect you. You died right in the middle of the apocalypse, at the time that the angels are after you."

"Yeah, but I'm dead, I thought that's what they wanted," Dean shrugs.

"Oh, they do, but Deano, you pissed quite a few angels off and I don't think it's in your best interest that the entirety of Heaven know that you're here," Gabriel smirks, "So that's where I come in. Being the amazing archangel that I am, I've hidden you. No angel knows you're here and they never will, not even after Lucifer is dead. They'll never be able to find you and you can live, well, er,  _enjoy_ your time in Heaven for eternity without being tortured by angels. That sound good to you?"

Dean opens his mouth then shuts it, not quite sure how to put his gratitude into words, especially when it's having to be directed to  _Gabriel,_ the guy that once killed him a hundred times, "Huh, Gabriel, erm, thanks."

Gabriel rolls his eyes, "You're welcome Deano."

"So, that's why you came back here, just to do that?" Dean lifts an eyebrow, his left leg tapping away restlessly.

"Well," Gabriel tilts his head, "I figured I could answer all your questions while I was back here too, I'm assuming you have a shit load."

"I do," Dean nods, his stomach knotting in anticipation, "Sam- how- is Sammy okay? In the future I mean, without me?"

Gabriel doesn't look surprised by the question and smiles wider with a shake of his head which makes Dean relax because if Gabriel is smiling, it can't be bad news. Surely it can't be bad news?

"Before I came back here, I had a couple of looks into the future down on Earth, to see how everyone, including your little brother, was doing. I figured the first question you'd ask was about him," Gabriel smiles, "But you don't need to worry, he's doing fine. I mean, sure, at the start he was kind of a mess, well, a complete and utter mess," Dean frowns, feeling guilt settle into his stomach but Gabriel pokes his shoulder, "Hey, none of the brooding crap, I haven't finished yet. So yeah, he was a mess for a little while but he wasn't alone, he had Bobby, he stayed with him for a little while, talked with Chuck over the phone a couple of times. And slowly he got better. He got your letter by the way and whatever you wrote seemed to help him. He didn't go back to school, said he didn't want to but he got a nice nine to five job, nice house and oh, a nice girl. Don't worry Deano, your little brother did good, she's hot," Gabriel waggles his eyebrows before adding seriously, "Your brother's doing fine Dean and sorry, but you won't be seeing him for a while."

"Good," Dean gulps because the longer he has to wait to be reunited with his little brother, is the longer Sam is alive and happy. And that's more important than Dean missing him. Much more important because his little brother is finally getting what he's always wanted, what he deserved.

Gabriel nods as if he understands and Dean supposes he does, the guy does have millions of brothers and sisters after all. It's strange but he guesses he and Gabriel have more in common than he could have ever originally thought. Weird how things turn out.

"Oh and when you do finally see him again, he's going to be bringing a wife in tow not too long after," Gabriel shrugs before adding, his voice softening, "And you're going to have to wait even longer to meet your nephew."

Dean gulps, feeling his eyes moisten as he whispers, "I have a nephew?"

"Well, not for a few years yet," Gabriel nudges him.

"And I won't even be there," Dean mumbles, throat thick, tears falling heavier now because he's going to miss out on everything. He's not going to be a best man at the wedding, be an uncle to his nephew, watch as he grows up. It's yet another sacrifice he's had to make.

"Hey, don't worry, when you do finally meet him up here in the clouds, he'll know everything about you. Sam's going to tell him everything about his Uncle Dean," Gabriel smiles, "And his Uncle Cas too."

Dean lets out a bubble of laughter through the tears, looking up to the endless white sky as he thinks about it all. About how Sam's little boy will grow up on stories of Dean, of Cas, hell, with their lives, it could be turned into a freaking fairy tale, a depressing one, but aren't all fairy tales kind of depressing anyway?  _The Hunter and His Angel,_ Dean thinks tiredly as he brushes his hands across his face to wipe away the drenched tears dripping down his face.

"Hey, enough of the crying shit," Gabriel pouts, crossing his arms as he shifts uncomfortably.

"Right, sorry," Dean replies gruffly, swallowing yet more tears as he rubs as his eyes, trying not to think about how Sam's son will meet his Uncle Dean someday but never his Uncle Cas. That's yet another thing he can't let his mind wander to for eternity.  _Shit._

"So," Dean coughs, changing the subject because talking about Sam  _hurts,_  "How's Bobby?"

"Bobby's Bobby," Gabriel shrugs, "He doesn't like me though, as soon as I came back from sending you to the past, he tried to stab me."

Dean barks out a laugh, "Yeah, that sounds like Bobby. He tried to stab you anymore times?"

"I'm only three hours into the future after I sent you back so no, not yet, but I'm sure he will," Gabriel nods, rolling his eyes like a scolded child.

Dean considers this, "So you're not actually that far ahead then."

"Nope, I did a couple of jumps into the future before I came to see you but that's it."

"So, have you been back to Heaven yet?" Dean asks.

Gabriel smirks childishly, "Yeah, I went up there for a quick second before I came to see you. I yelled at them all and told them I was back to sort their shit out and then I left. Actually, I should probably get back there before they do something stupid. But hey, I did go into the future on Earth and it was still intact, that's got to be a good sign right?"

"Right," Dean nods with a smile, realising their conversation is coming to a close now, oddly wishing it could last longer because Gabriel knows him, understands him and everything that he's been through. And he needs that, someone to be there that knows him and truthfully, a selfish part of him wants Gabriel to stay with him because in the end, the archangel is the closest thing he has of Cas left. He's his brother and Dean can only assume that he has stories of Castiel that Dean hasn't heard before, hell, Cas has millions of untold stories and Gabriel could be the one to tell him, something that could make Dean feel closer to Cas even though he isn't here. But he knows Gabriel can't stay forever, he needs to go back and sort Heaven out so Cas' death hadn't been for nothing.

Dean slaps his thighs before standing up, Gabriel following him to stand too, the bench disappearing behind them as Dean gives a tired smile to Gabriel before reaching forward and pulling him into a hug. Gabriel lets out a startled shriek but he lets Dean hug him all the same, awkwardly patting his back in return.

"Thanks Gabriel, for everything," Dean mutters, patting the archangel's back one more time before letting him go.

"Just trying to save the world Deano," Gabriel smirks before adding, "But you're welcome," he pulls a face, "I guess I'm supposed to say thank you back right?"

"You're welcome," Dean grins before adding, feeling strangely nervous to ask this, "Um, if you ever get sick of shouting at angels you can always come say hi to me, if you want."

Gabriel smiles, "I was going to anyway. Even though you're dead Dean, I can still think of a million different ways to fuck your shit up."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Dean grins, rolling his eyes.

"But you won't see me for a while," Gabriel adds, "This coming back in time in Heaven, even for me, is fucking difficult so I won't be doing this again, so you won't see me till after Earth catches up, you know after you end the apocalypse."

"Right, okay then," Dean nods, before realising something, "Oh, and I doubt that you will, but if you ever run into your dad out there, tell him I haven't forgotten that he went out on our deal and if I ever find him, I'm going to kick his ass and then some."

Gabriel tilts his head, "What was the deal?"

Dean gives him a look, one to tell him that he's fucking stupid for even asking because even now, there's some things that Dean won't talk about with Gabriel, not because he doesn't trust him, just because there's some things that Dean simply doesn't want to talk about. And the fact that he had once cried in a fucking parking lot while asking God to just make sure Sam and Cas ended happy is one of them.

"Right, so you kill my big brother and now you're threatening my dad, awesome," Gabriel rolls his eyes before shaking his head in amusement, "You really are something Deano."

"Yep," Dean nods before adding more softly, "So I guess I'll be seeing you then."

"Yeah, you will," Gabriel winks at him before disappearing on him. Dean blinks, the white wash surrounding him crumbling until the scenery changes and with a catch of his throat, he realises where he is.

He's home.

With a quick laugh of disbelief he slowly walks up the steps and opens the door cautiously, not knowing what he will find. He stops in the doorway to the kitchen, not able to move as he takes in his view, his mother and father giggling away, clearly in the process of cooking something that smells like pie that's led to a food fight.

His father looks different to when he had last seen him, he looks younger, less lines of grief and unhappiness etched onto his face. His eyes aren't tired anymore, his mouth in a genuine smile rather than a grim one.

And his mother? His mother looks exactly like Dean remembers her to be and more, her smile warm, eyes lighting up, looking just as beautiful.

It's his mother that notices him first, her head turning away from John as she laughs, body stilling when she realises that they're not alone anymore, hands slowly falling to her sides as she stares. John catches her change of expression and turns his head too, mouth opening in surprise.

"Dean?" Mary whispers and hearing her speak propels Dean forward, stumbling towards his mother and wrapping his arms around her. Mary makes a surprised noise from the back of her throat but wraps an arm around Dean's torso, the other one steadily resting at the back of Dean's head.

" _Mom,"_ Dean sobs, burying his head against her shoulder as he feels his father tap him on the back, a gesture to show that he's there too.

Mary strokes his back, holding him close to her as she murmurs, "It's okay honey, you're home now, you're home."

* * *

Dean watches the horizon, the sun beginning to set once again and Dean wonders how many sunrises and sunsets he has witnessed here yet, how many times he has tortured himself into sitting on this damn beach and watching the fake sun rise and fall. Because he knows that's what he's doing to himself, he's torturing himself, he's forcing himself to think about what had happened on this beach when he had been alive. He'd had Cas here, had held his hand as they both nearly got washed away by the sea, had been able to watch Cas close his eyes and genuinely smile against the sunlight, happy to just be with Dean. And that hurts to think about, hurts Dean to think about how they could have had more.

And it's not just that. Because he'd spent a selfish day with Cas here but he'd also said goodbye to him here too. He'd watched his body burn as the sun had set, just like it is now and it isn't hard to picture it yet again.

But even with all the pain brushed into this damn beach, it's the closest thing Dean has to Cas, the closest thing he'll ever have.

"Miss you Cas," Dean whispers into the wind, bringing his knees up to his chin, wrapping his arms around his legs as the sky deepens into a darker red, purple bruising where the sky meets the sea.

Dean knows that he could recreate a Cas for himself, that Heaven gives you whatever you want. And he wants to, wants nothing more for Cas to be beside him but he knows he can't. He wouldn't be able to do Cas right, his imagination wouldn't be able to paint Cas as beautiful as he really had been. He'd get something wrong, he'd get the blue in his eyes too dull, his hair not the right messiness, nor the way he flickered his eyes adorably down then up as he spoke. No, if he can't have the real Cas, he won't have Cas at all.

"It's pretty here," his mother says to his right and Dean looks up, wondering how long she's been there watching him. He knows it's possible that he could shut her out, shut his father out too so he could be alone but he doesn't want to do that. Yes, there are times, a large amount of times, where he wants to be alone with his thoughts but that doesn't mean he will shut his family out, not after having lost them for so long.

"Hawaii," Dean notes, gesturing to Mary that she can sit down which she does, giving him what Dean knows is a worried smile.

"You've been to Hawaii?" Mary asks, "Your father never mentioned you going abroad."

"Yeah," Dean mumbles, "Well, it was after he died, not long before I died myself actually."

"Oh," his mother sighs, placing a tentative arm on his shoulder, the shoulder that holds the damn hand print that's covered by his t-shirt. Dean can't help but wince and Mary drops her hand instantly before she murmurs, "Dean, we're worried about you."

Dean forces a smile, "You don't need to worry about me mom."

Mary gives a tired smile back, "Honey, you're my son, I know when my son isn't happy."

Dean looks away from his mother and goes back to watching the waves lap, the tide slowly coming in. He rests his chin on his knees, feeling like a little kid again under his mother's watchful gaze.

"Dean," Mary says softly, "You've been here for weeks and you still haven't told us what happened."

"I told you the most important parts," Dean argues back halfheartedly, "That Sammy's okay and that I saved the world."

"Yes, Sam is important but you know what else is important? _You_  are Dean and I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong," Mary presses her lips sadly together, eyes pained as she looks Dean over.

Dean shuts his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath before gazing back at his mother, "I wish I could mom but I just- I can't, not yet, I just- I can't talk about it mom."

"Okay honey, it's okay," Mary soothes, placing a comforting hand on Dean's cheek, "But if you're ever ready to talk about it, I'm here okay?"

Dean nods, tears pooling his eyes, "Yeah, okay."

"Now, enough of that," Mary smiles, standing up and offering Dean a hand, "I've made some of my legendary pie and I think it would be rude for you not to come eat some."

Dean laughs, rubs at his eyes until they're dry again before grabbing a hold of her hand, letting her hoist him up. He rubs at the back of his jeans to shake the sand away, knowing he could do it the easy way and just make it disappear with a blink but not really wanting to. He's in Heaven, he's not an invalid- if he can do something himself, he will.

Dean and Mary start to walk, the scenery slowly turning to their back garden, John already sitting at the picnic table, a plate of pie already in front of him.

"Hey, you better not have started without us Mister," Mary teases, letting go of Dean's hand to walk around the table to poke John's shoulder before kissing the top of his head.

"I might have done," John shrugs, winking at Dean. Dean smiles back before walking towards his mother and father, ready to take a seat and grab some of the best apple pie to ever exist. He gets cut off though as a certain archangel appears right in front of him, cheeks flushed, eyes wild.

"Jesus!" Dean startles, nearly falling over in surprise before he composes himself, "Gabe? Er, hi. "

"Hey Deano, now I don't have much time because Chuck literally dreamt this about two seconds ago and it's about to happen any minute," Gabriel rolls of the words, practically rocking on his heels in excitement, "So before you yell at me that I could have told you when I came to visit you all those weeks ago which was technically only a few minutes ago from my position, I didn't know then okay? So I couldn't have told you."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dean asks, his forehead scrunching in confusion because he's dead, he shouldn't have to be dealing with yet more conspiracies and secrets.

"Er, Dean, who is this?" Mary asks from behind the archangel, holding a spoon midway in the air as she takes in the situation.

Gabriel swerves to meet them, "Hi Mary, John, I'm Gabriel the archangel," he turns back to Dean, ignoring the confused noises forming behind him, "Right, okay, it's going to happen any minute and I had to come here because I know you, you're not going to believe it's real. So, listen to me when I say this, it's  _real,_ I don't know how, hell, I don't even know why, but trust me when I say this, it's real, just don't question it okay?"

"Uh," Dean utters, still not quite knowing what the hell is happening in front of him and before he can ask another question Gabriel disappears on him.

"Gabriel?" Dean yells.

"Did he just say he was Gabriel the archangel?" John asks slowly.

"And did you-" Mary asks, mouth open, hand to her chest, "Did you just call Gabriel the archangel  _Gabe_?"

"It's a long story," Dean says, brushing their questions aside as he tries to figure out what the fuck Gabriel could have been talking about.

"Well, I should think it is!" John crosses his arms, eyebrows raised.

"Seriously, it's a really long sto-" Dean starts, trailing off as he looks beyond his father and mother.

This can't be happening.

It can't.

But Gabriel had said, had made the effort to tell him that what he was about to see was real.

_He's real._

"Cas?" Dean whispers.

Castiel smiles at him, a look of disbelief on his face as he stands there, back in his trenchcoat and damn backwards tie, hands in his pockets as he stares right back at Dean, blue eyes shining, "Hello Dean."

"Cas," Dean chokes down a sob, not caring about his mother and father's confused faces as he runs forward, wrapping his arms around Cas' neck and bringing him as close as humanly possible, letting out a noise that's a mixture of a sob and laugh. Castiel mirrors the sound, arms wrapping around Dean's waist easily, his forehead burrowing into Dean's neck.

"How?" Dean asks, leaning out to cup Cas' cheeks, eyes darting to capture every part of Cas' face, the face he thought he would never see again and as he drenches him in he finds he doesn't even care about how, he doesn't care how Cas got here, he only cares that he's  _here,_ he doesn't need to worry about anything else because Cas is in his arms and who gives a fuck about details?

"I think- When I died, I think my Father must have done something to make me die human so I could come here and I-" Castiel shakes his head, lets out a disbelieving laugh and the sound is beautiful to Dean's ears, "I think you were right when you told me I was my Father's favourite."

Dean lets out a laugh himself, "I'm always right."

"Yes," Castiel grins, Dean's hands catching the tears that trickle down Cas' cheeks.

Dean leans forward, pressing their foreheads together, not shutting his eyes, too afraid to in case this is all some dream that will disappear on him as soon as he closes his eyes. Dean's lip trembles as he says brokenly, "I've missed you so much baby."

"I'm here now," Castiel murmurs, mirroring Dean's hand movements, a hand clasping Dean's cheek, the other spreading across the back of Dean's head, raveling into Dean's hair, pulling Dean closer in before their lips meet and it's only then that Dean trusts that Cas isn't going to disappear on him so he shuts his eyes and lets out a desperate moan, arms wrapping around Cas' neck again to hold onto him tighter. Dean lets himself get lost in the kiss, thinks about this is really it, his dreams can actually become a reality, he can really spend the rest of eternity with Cas right there in his arms. They could spend countless more days, weeks even, on the beach, brushing away Dean's bad memories of it and making new ones. They could go on the holiday that Dean had promised him all that time ago, they could go on millions of holidays if they wanted to. They could do anything they damn pleased.

Dean smiles against Cas' mouth and he can't help but laugh. Cas doesn't seem to mind, breaking the kiss and laughing with him, looking at Dean with wonder, a hand reaching up, fingers outlining Dean's jaw, "I love you Dean."

Dean laughs again, too happy to stop himself before he leans forward to kiss Cas once again, to taste him, to know that he's there, "Love you so much baby," Dean murmurs after he breaks free of another kiss, eyes twinkling as he runs a hand through Cas' hair.

Castiel watches him for a moment, cheeks flushed with happiness before he looks over Dean's shoulder, huffing out a small laugh before murmuring against Dean's mouth, "Dean, I think John and Mary are confused."

Dean grins, nuzzles their noses together before asking, "Ready to meet the parents?"

Castiel nods at him excitedly and Dean presses one more kiss to his mouth before disentangling himself a little from Castiel, just enough to slide next to Cas, arms wrapping around Cas' waist yet again but from his side this time. He watches as Castiel lifts his chin, straightening himself up as he looks at Mary and John. Dean sneaks a quick glance their way, just for a second, and takes note of Mary's teary smile, John's bewildered expression.

Dean looks back at Cas and presses his nose to the side of Cas' hair as he says happily, "Mom, dad, this is Cas," Dean presses a kiss to Cas' hair, "He's my angel."

Castiel turns his head to press his forehead against Dean's as he explains with a teary grin, "Both literally and figuratively."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed and kudo'd this fic, I hope you all liked the ending!  
> If you want to read this fic from Cas' point of view, you can do so [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/847083/chapters/1618127) though I don't think it's as well written as this fic (I wrote that fic before this one and I don't know, I think my writing is better in this one lol).  
> So yes, thank you to everyone who read this!


End file.
